I say, ‘Ryan, you said I could watch Toby’s video all the way to Lorna’s house!’
Ryan says, ‘So I did,’ and he gets his phone out and he lets me hold it and I get to watch the video again and again and again til Ryan leans forward and presses the bell and says, ‘Time to get off, Jesika.’
We get off the bus and I’m really surprised cos we’re at the bus stop outside the park gates and I say, ‘This isn’t the stop for going to Paige’s house.’
Ryan says, ‘It’s too late to go there now,’ and he holds my hand and turns away from the park and starts walking towards the shops and he says, ‘We’ll get some chips from the chip shop, yeah? And then we’ll eat them in the park and then I’ll take you straight to preschool.’
My eyes go wide and I say, ‘Chips! Mummy doesn’t let us have chips cos they’re bad for your heart.’
Ryan says, ‘They’re a bit naughty, but OK if you don’t have them too often. And they’re so tasty,’ and he licks his lips and makes a big slurping noise and I giggle and start skipping cos I always think the chip shop smells yummy and I’ve always wanted to eat chips from that shop.
After Ryan’s given pennies to the chip man, we walk back to the park and sit on a bench just inside the gate and Ryan opens up the paper that’s wrapped all round the chips and lots of steam flies out of the wrapping. He holds the chips out to me and they smell delicious and I take one but I drop it straight away cos it’s hot, hot, hot! Ryan blows on them and folds up some of the paper and waves it over the top of the chips to cool them up and then he picks one out and he bites it in the middle and says it’s OK to eat now and he holds it out to me and I try to take it but he pulls it away and he says, ‘Bite it,’ and I bite it from his fingers and my teeth crunch into the middle that’s all soft and hot and fluffy and so so yummy.
Ryan smiles big and says, ‘Not too hot?’
I shake my head and Ryan bites another chip in the middle and tells me to open my mouth so he can put the other bit in my mouth and he says, ‘Taste good?’
I nod and nod my head cos I can’t say yes cos my mouth’s all full up with chips.
Ryan says, ‘We don’t need to tell your Mum about this. It can be our secret,’ and he winks and wiggles his eyebrows and that remembers me about Liam and the trampoline secret.
I swallow the chips in my mouth and they go warm into my belly and I say, ‘Now I’ve got two secrets.’
Ryan’s eyebrows jump up and down. ‘Do you?’
I say, ‘Me and Liam had a secret about the trampoline. Do you know they’ve got a really huge, giantnormous trampoline, as big as THIS,’ and I stretch my arms as wide as they can go.
Ryan laughs and says, ‘Wow, that is big!’
I say, ‘Duncan said I was too little to go on it but Liam let me go on it as a secret, cept it’s not a secret now cos Duncan finded it out.’
Ryan pretends he’s cross and puts his hands on his sides but he’s also laughing and he says, ‘You didn’t tell your secret, did you? You’re not supposed to tell your secrets!’
I giggle and say, ‘I didn’t tell! It’s cos Duncan saw me bouncing. He came out into the garden cos we had to come to the hopsipal to see Mummy.’
Ryan’s nodding and he says, ‘Well, that’s OK then. I was worried there that you might tell everybody about our chips secret.’
I shake my head and swing my legs and say, ‘No, no, no, no, I’ll not tell anyone about the chips secret.’
Ryan laughs and says, ‘Good girl,’ and he strokes his hand down my hair.
Ryan said we had lots of time to eat chips but I think he’s wrong cos when we get to the preschool road there’s lots of Mummies and Daddies already coming out of the door and walking away from preschool and I start tugging Ryan’s hand and walking faster cos I don’t want Stella to shut the door on us cos then she gets cross about being late, but Ryan is heavy and hard to pull along, like an elephant, and it takes for ages to get to the preschool door.
The door isn’t shut but there’s only two people left in the peg room when we get inside and it’s Stella and Lorna and when they see us they both talk at the same time and Stella’s got a sad face and Lorna’s got a happy face and all their words jumble together and it sounds like they said, ‘Oh, Jesika, how are poor Paige’s difficult coming,’ but that doesn’t make sense at all and I’m not sure if it’s something I should be sad or happy about so I don’t be either, I just stop my ears listening and go and take my coat off and hang it on my peg.
Now Stella and Lorna and Ryan are all talking at the same time and there’s happy faces and sad faces and they keep changing and I hear someone say, ‘Tina,’ and that’s my Mummy but it’s too hard to listen so I say, ‘Can I go in now?’ cos I want to see Paige.
Stella says, ‘Of course, Jesika, in you go,’ and her voice is happy-squeaky and she pushes the door open and then she says, ‘Poor thing, she’s very subdued,’ and her voice is sad and slow. How can you be happy and sad at the same time?
Lorna calls out, ‘I’ll see you at—’ and the door shuts and everything is noisy and busy and Azim rushes past chasing Katy with a sword and I have to squeeze right up against the wall so I don’t get bashed and I’m looking and looking for Paige and I can’t see her, I can just see blue and blue and blue … oh! It’s Blue day! I look down at my clothes and I’m wearing my new pink shoes and my purple trousers and my green zippy top. I pull the zip down to look at my T-shirt and it’s the yellow one that’s got the red and orange butterfly on it. I haven’t got any blue at all. Stella will be sad.
‘Hi, Jesika! It’s lovely to see you back in today.’
I whirl round with a great big smile on my face cos I know that voice and I’m right, it’s Kali and I’m really very pleased to see Kali, then I remember that I’m not wearing blue and I stop smiling and I say, ‘I forgotted it was Blue day today.’
Kali says, ‘But you’ve come as a whole rainbow instead, how lovely!’ And she points to all my clothes and says all the rainbow colours, cept blue, and she’s right – I’ve got all the colours of the rainbow cept blue!
Kali crouches right down next to me and then she wobbles a bit and her hand shoots out and grabs hold of the edge of the house window and the house wobbles a bit too and Kali says, ‘I hear you’ve had quite a time since you were here on Tuesday. I hope your Mummy and little Toby feel better soon.’
I say, ‘I had to sleep in Duncan and Jane’s house.’
Kali says, ‘That must have felt a bit strange.’
My belly whooshes and then the Big Hurty pain is pressing again and I press it tight and try to push it away cos I don’t want it here.
Kali says, ‘Do you want to tell me about it in the Safe Place?’
I press more hard and shake my head and I look and I look all round the room and I say, ‘Is Paige here? I want to play with Paige.’
Kali nods and smiles and says, ‘She really missed you yesterday.’ She turns and points and says, ‘Look, she’s over there doing a puzzle. Go on, she’ll be so pleased to see you.’
I run all the way over to Paige and I think she’ll smile and smile when she sees it’s me and she’ll be so surprised. I’m almost there and I go slow so I’m creeping like a tiger and I creep right up beside her and tap her shoulder and shout, ‘Boo!’
She looks round at me but she doesn’t smile and she doesn’t look pleased, she just stares at me and blinks her eyes and then turns away and picks another piece of puzzle up and pushes it into the right hole.
I sit on the chair next to her and say, ‘Did you miss me, Paige?’
Paige turns herself even further away from me so I can only see the back of her head. I don’t know why she can’t hear me. Maybe if I tell her about the ambulance then she’ll hear me cos that’s something really exciting and people always listen to exciting things.
I stand up and skip to the chair on the other side of Paige and sit down and say, ‘Paige, guess what? I went in an ambulance in the middle of the night!�
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Paige looks at me and then looks away and puts another piece of puzzle in the right place.
I say, ‘Toby was really poorly and me and Mummy had to go with him in the ambulance and it went fast like this,’ and I zoom my hand through the air and I say, ‘Whoosh!’
Paige looks at me again and she says, ‘Did the ambulance do its flashing lights and nee-naw?’
I say, ‘Only the flashy lights cos it was the middle of the night and the siren could’ve waked everybody up.’
Paige says, ‘Oh,’ and then she picks up another piece of puzzle and tries putting it in the right place but she’s got it the wrong way round so I say, ‘You have to turn it round,’ and she turns it round and round and round and then gets it just right so it falls into the space and I say, ‘That’s it! Well done, Paige.’
Paige smiles and says, ‘What’s it like at the hospital?’
I say, ‘It’s a bit smelly,’ and I hold my nose and say, ‘Like wees and poos,’ and me and Paige giggle and then I say, ‘Lots of people had to help Toby and then I had to go in a different room with a lady called … I’ve forgotted her name … I keep forgetting her name! But she looked after me in a different room and then Mummy was apposed to come and get me but she got poorly too and now Mummy and Toby have to stay in hopsipal til they get better and I’m going to stay at your house now.’
Paige says, ‘I know, my Mummy told me. Is your Mummy and Toby going to die?’
I say, ‘I think they did almost die but now they’re getting better and they’re coming home soon.’ But my heart thumps hard and the Big Hurty squeezes my breathing. I know what die is. It means you go away and never come back again, not like Daddy who might come back and see me if he gets on a plane, but like Bab-bab when her heart stopped working and we stopped seeing her ever again and she can’t never come back to see us now, not even if I do wishes.
Paige says, ‘My Daddy went to hospital and he died.’
I say, ‘Did his heart stop working?’
Paige says, ‘No, he did a lot of bleeding in his head. You only die if you do lots of bleeding.’
I say, ‘Or if your heart stops working.’
Paige wrinkles her nose at me and lifts her shoulders up and down like she’s saying, ‘I don’t know.’
But I do know cos that’s what happened to Bab-bab. Then I think about Toby and the special breathing mask and I say, ‘I think you also die if you can’t do breathing and no one gives you a breathing mask.’
Paige says, ‘No, I think if you can’t do breathing you just go to sleep.’
I say, ‘Yeah, and then when you wake up you start breathing again. I think that’s what Toby did.’
Azim and Katy come zooming past like racing cars and bump our table and some of Paige’s puzzle pieces jump off the table and onto the floor and right under the table. I shout, ‘Oi!’ but Azim and Katy have zoomed right out of the door to the outside area. Paige looks at the pieces on the floor and she looks sad.
I say, ‘I’ll help you,’ and I get off my chair and crawl under the table to get the puzzle pieces and Paige crawls under too and we pick them all up but when we stand up at the table again Paige’s puzzle has gone. Amber and Lucia have it at the other side of the table and they’re breaking it up.
Paige just looks and looks but she doesn’t say anything so I say, ‘Hey, that’s Paige’s puzzle, you have to give it back.’
Lucia says, ‘It’s not. It belongs to preschool so anyone can do it.’
I say, ‘But Paige had it first!’ and I lean over the table and grab it but Lucia pushes my hand away and says, ‘Get off!’ and Amber says, ‘You don’t snatch. It’s not nice!’ and I say, ‘But you snatched it off Paige!’ and Amber says, ‘Paige wasn’t playing with it so that means it’s our turn now. You have to share.’
My cheeks sting and my breathing feels hot and spiky and I make my most scary, tiger-fierce face and I shout, ‘Give it back NOW!’ and I grab the puzzle again and Lucia pinches my hand hard and it hurts and I’m crying and crying and then Lauren’s right there saying, ‘Girls, girls, what’s going on here?’ and me and Amber and Lucia all talk at the same time and I don’t know what they’re saying but I say, ‘Amber and Lucia took Paige’s puzzle when we went to pick up the pieces on the floor and I told them to give it back and Lucia pinched me!’
Lauren holds both her hands up and says, ‘One at a time, girls,’ and she says, ‘Lucia, why did you pinch Jesika?’
Lucia says, ‘She snatched!’
Lauren says, ‘OK, but it’s not nice to pinch. You should say, “Stop it, I don’t like it when you do that.” Can you try saying that?’
Lucia says it and then Lauren asks her to say sorry for pinching and she does and then Lauren looks at me and her eyes are sad and she says, ‘Did you forget to ask for your turn nicely?’
I say, ‘But it was our go!’
Lauren says, ‘I know you wanted a turn, Jesika, but remember what we say? “Please can I have a turn when you’re finished?” Can you try saying that?’
My heart spikes hot and my cheeks sting and I say again, ‘But it was our go!’ cos I don’t think Lauren heard me the first time.
Amber picks up a piece of the jigsaw and she’s putting it in the wrong way and Lauren leans over and helps her to turn it the right way round and then she says, ‘Why don’t you have a turn with one of these other puzzles while you’re waiting. I’m sure Amber and Lucia will be finished with this one in a minute. Won’t you, girls?’
Amber smiles and says, ‘Yes, Lauren,’ and then she stands up and leans over the table and sweeps all the pieces we picked up off the floor over to her side with her arm.
Lauren smiles big at all of us and says, ‘There you go, girls,’ and then she helps Amber to put another piece of the jigsaw in.
Paige tugs at my hand and whispers, ‘Let’s run and hide from those two meany girls,’ and we both think of the same place to hide cos we both run all the way to the door and right outside and squeeze into the hidey-hole underneath the slide.
I say, ‘That wasn’t fair.’
Paige says, ‘They won’t find us here.’
I say, ‘No, we’re invibisle when we’re in here. Only you can see me and only I can see you.’
Paige claps her hands and says, ‘Yeah!’ Then she leans forward and whispers in my ear, ‘I missed you.’
I whisper back, ‘I missed you too.’
Paige wraps her arms around me and she’s squeezing me tight and tight like she’s not never going to let me go.
Lorna’s yellow sofa is bouncy under my bottom. I can’t sit still! My heart is thumping fast and hard like it’s about to burst like a balloon right inside me and then Lorna hands me her phone and I hold it in front of my mouth like Lorna did and I say, ‘Hello, Mummy!’ and there’s a voice coming out of the phone and it says, ‘Hello, Jesika, have you had a nice time at preschool?’
Lorna said it was Mummy talking on the phone but this voice doesn’t sound much like Mummy and I say, ‘Mummy? Is that you?’
The voice laughs and says, ‘Who else would it be, poppet?’ and then I know it’s Mummy cos only Mummy laughs like that and only Mummy calls me ‘poppet’ and a giggle pops right out of my mouth and I shout, ‘MUMMY!’ and it feels like my heart really has just burst inside me and it’s like fireworks and chocolate all at the same time.
Mummy says, ‘So did you have fun at preschool today?’ and I nod my head and I pick up the card that Kali and Paige helped me to make after snack-time and I wave it at the phone and I say, ‘Look, I made you and Toby a get-well-soon card!’
Mummy says, ‘Oh, that’s lovely, Jesika. I’ll be able to see that properly when I come home.’
I say, ‘Are you coming home today?’
Mummy says, ‘Not today, poppet, but maybe tomorrow. The doctor thinks I might be well enough by tomorrow.’
I say, ‘And Toby too?’
Mummy says, ‘Maybe Toby too. We’ll have to wait and see tomorrow. Fing
ers crossed!’
I try to cross my fingers like Mummy showed me another time but it’s tricky fiddly and when I try to use my other hand to help make my fingers stay crossed the phone slips out of my hand and bounces on the carpet. Lorna bends down to pick it up and she’s laughing at the phone and she says, ‘She’s trying to cross her fingers, bless her.’ And then she says, ‘Yes, yes, she’s fine. Honestly, please don’t worry. I know you’d do the same for me.’
Lorna passes the phone back to me and says, ‘Your Mummy wants to say bye, Jesika.’ I stop trying to cross my fingers and take the phone and I hear Mummy’s strange not-Mummy voice saying, ‘I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Jesika. Be good for Lorna.’
I say, ‘I will, Mummy. I love you, Mummy,’ and Mummy whispers, ‘I love you too,’ and she whispers, ‘Bye-bye, poppet,’ and I whisper back, ‘Bye-bye, Mummy,’ though I don’t know why we’re whispering.
I know why Mummy and Lorna like being friends. It’s cos they both like singing and dancing. I’m holding the living room door open a little crack so I can see right through into the kitchen and I can see Lorna standing at the cooker and she’s stirring something and singing loud as loud and bopping her head and wiggling her bottom and bouncing up and down and sometimes stuff in the pan bounces right out cos her stirring is a bit too wiggly. Mummy does that sometimes.
Paige says, ‘I can’t hear the telly, Jesika!’ So I shut the door again and Lorna’s music goes quiet and that remembers me about Nina and the New Rons and the invibisle sound waves and I think maybe sound waves can’t go through doors. Maybe they just crash against the door like a real water wave would do.
It’s Postman Pat on the telly but it’s not Postman Pat on CBeebies, it’s Postman Pat on a deeveedee and that’s a hard, shiny circle that you have to hold just by the edges and not touch and you slide it into the side of the telly and then it plays on the telly. I didn’t know you could make your telly play what you want! I’m going to tell Mummy to look and see if we’ve got a deeveedee hole in our telly.
Paige has lots and lots of deeveedees so she can watch them whenever she wants. She’s also got lots and lots of Postman Pat toys too and she’s laid them all out on the carpet in front of the telly so we can play with them and watch the telly at the same time.
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