Always Close to Home

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Laura didn’t back down. “You know you could talk about that after the Sunday service.”

  Nelson’s grin was lopsided. “Maybe, but then others might hear. We want the biggest buck we can find kept to ourselves.”

  Laura glared at him. “Then why will this evening include time spent speaking with me?”

  Nelson shrugged. “You don’t have to talk to him.”

  “You are pushing the limit,” Laura told him. “All of you are. And for the record, John will get better, and he will walk again. So let me be clear. Even if Wendell manages to corner me tonight—with your and Mamm’s help, of course—I will not change my mind.”

  Nelson looked at her with pity. “Okay, but just remember, Wendell is a decent man…and he’s healthy and available.”

  Laura kept silent. Was she wrong to be praying for a miracle? The human heart could easily be exalted if the Lord answered her prayer. Everyone knew that. Didn’t Bishop Ezra remind the congregation often of this danger? Better to keep one’s requests few and the heart grateful for what was given. But she had dared to ask, and not only ask, but ask for the best. No wonder her family was concerned, along with all of John’s family. When Laura visited today, Hilda had worn the same look on her face as Mamm often had. The two mothers had already accepted what she couldn’t. In the meantime John wasn’t any better—but at least he hadn’t passed.

  Laura retraced her steps down the stairs, and Daett glanced up to give her a warm smile. “Come sit,” he said, motioning toward the couch.

  “But Mamm…” Laura protested. “The dishes…”

  “Mamm understands,” Daett said with the same smile.

  Laura winced but took the side of the couch nearest Daett. This must be Daett’s version of speaking-to-my-stubborn-daughter time.

  “How is John?” Daett asked in his kind tone.

  “Not well.” Laura didn’t look at him. “But he will get better.”

  Daett cleared his throat. “Laura, surely you know that the Lord has His own plans in these matters. Are you hanging on too tight? Perhaps hoping for things that cannot happen?”

  “The Lord can do anything He wishes,” Laura declared. Who could find fault with that statement?”

  “Yah,” Daett agreed. “He can, but it’s our hearts that are the problem. Pride is so easily acquired. I hear you have asked for a miracle from the Lord.”

  “Well, I don’t know if it would be called a miracle,” Laura said, “but I have asked that John would get better. What’s wrong with that?”

  Daett appeared troubled. “You take too much upon yourself, Laura. Is this because of how the accident happened? Do you still blame yourself for distracting John?”

  Laura studied the hardwood floor. The truth was she didn’t know what to say anymore. Everything about this affair was blurred and ran together.

  “I heard that you led John away from his work and kissed him behind the shed only moments before he fell,” Daett continued. “But you’ve always been impulsive, Laura. You’ve always reached for the best, and for what you’ve wanted for yourself. I don’t fault you for kissing John, but it’s how you do things. Could you also be out of line with your prayers right now?”

  “John’s daett is praying with me,” Laura declared, unable to think of anything else to say.

  “Herman?” Daett looked astonished. “Herman has been praying with you?”

  “Nee, of course not,” Laura said. “But from the few words he’s spoken with me, I know his heart is with me.”

  Daett appeared skeptical. “I have heard no such thing. Herman’s words to me at the services have been completely surrendered to what the Lord wills.”

  “And so are mine. I will accept what the Lord gives.” Laura didn’t know what else to say, so she stood and said, “I’ll go help Mamm.”

  Daett didn’t object.

  As she entered the kitchen, Mamm met her with a hopeful look.

  “It didn’t do any goot,” Laura said.

  Mamm’s face fell. “You have us all so worried, Laura. Why can’t you be sensible about this?”

  “Hoping for John to get better is being sensible.”

  Mamm didn’t respond but motioned toward the fresh hot water she had run in the sink. Soapsuds rose above the dishes, and Laura plunged her hands in. From outside, she could hear the sound of a buggy in the driveway followed by Nelson’s quick footsteps down the stairs. Laura rattled the dishes as if in protest, but that wouldn’t help. She would have to speak with Wendell. Her family would see to that.

  As if Mamm had the same thoughts, she hurried out of the kitchen. Laura soon heard murmuring in the living room. Nelson must have brought Wendell inside. Laura ignored them and kept her back turned to the kitchen doorway. Maybe she was mistaken and Wendell would soon go upstairs to speak with Nelson and not bother her. She desperately hoped so.

  Laura rinsed a dish and lifted it onto the drying rack. The dish clicked against the others, the sound loud in the still kitchen. A man behind her cleared his throat and Laura jumped.

  “Sorry to startle you,” Wendell said. “But your mamm told me I could find you in here. She suggested I could speak with you here and…” His words trailed off.

  Laura forced herself to turn around and greet him. “Goot evening.”

  “Goot evening. And how are you doing?” His smile widened.

  “Okay, I guess. Nelson said you were coming over to talk about hunting for the biggest buck in the community.”

  “Oh, that.” Wendell grinned and took a seat at the kitchen table as if he belonged there. “I’ll be chatting with Nelson in a little bit about that big buck, but first I…” He stopped, apparently unable or unwilling to state the obvious. “How are things going with John?” he finished.

  “Not goot,” she said. “But I’m praying for the Lord to heal John, just like you once prayed with me.” There! She might as well come right out and say it.

  “That’s a little Englisha, isn’t it?” he asked, and they both knew the answer to that question. “I was a little out of hand that night,” he went on. “I was overwrought like everyone else was at the beginning, but my goot sense has prevailed now.”

  “Maybe Amish people can also experience miracles.” She gave him a sweet smile. “Maybe John will wake up fully and walk again. I love him, you know.”

  Wendell didn’t appear worried. “I don’t doubt that you do. You have a large heart, Laura. You’ll make some man a goot frau someday, but you must accept things for what they are. You must come to your senses like I did after that first evening. The Lord has His own plans, you know.”

  Laura busied herself with the dishes. She didn’t have the energy for another of these conversations. They would go nowhere anyway.

  “I want you to know that our prayers and concerns are with you, Laura,” Wendell finally said. “The whole community is involved in this, and with John’s family. They hope only for the best.”

  “Thank you,” Laura managed. What else was there to say? She couldn’t act stuck-up.

  “The Lord is working His will, you know,” Wendell continued. “Maybe not in ways that you think, but over half of John’s hospital bill has already been paid. As you probably know, Deacon William sent out letters to the other districts and to the home community in Wayne County. We expect the Lord to supply fully for the need before long, and the hospital has agreed to a sizable reduction in their fees. That can only happen with the Lord’s help. Those are the kinds of miracles our people believe in.”

  “I suppose so,” Laura said toward her dishwater.

  Wendell nodded. “I’m glad to hear that your heart is open to instruction, Laura. I know your parents have already told you this, but perhaps it’s easier to hear from someone else. You have to place John’s care in the Lord’s hands and leave him there. John may pass away soon, and if he doesn’t, he likely will never walk again or get out of bed. That will mean some adjustments for you, which should begin sooner and not later. That’s what I have
to say, and hopefully you will take it to heart.”

  “I will seek to surrender my will to the Lord’s,” Laura forced herself to say. She managed a weak smile, more to get rid of the man than anything.

  Wendell rose and offered a final warning. “The heart is deceitful above all things, Laura. I’m grateful the Lord has granted me the privilege of guiding yours through this difficult time. I’ll be in touch again.”

  Laura didn’t protest. That would have started Wendell up again. She wanted this conversation to end. She wanted to slip upstairs and crawl under the bed quilt and cry herself to sleep. She wanted…

  With a quick nod Wendell was gone, and Laura dipped her hands in the water and washed a dish slowly, going around and around and around until she was using only her fingers to finish the task.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Darkness was falling on Saturday evening as Nancy slipped out of her back door to glide across the yard. With a quick look in each direction she hurried south. When moments later the headlights of an Englisha automobile lit the woods around her, Nancy held her breath, but the car didn’t slow down. Few buggies drove on her road at this time of the evening, and if one did pass by, she would wave and smile. From all appearances, she was just the community’s Amish schoolteacher out for a late night stroll. No one could know her real intentions or see her heart caught in an impossible situation. Twice now she had been dealt this hand in love.

  First with Yost Mast all those years ago, when he decided that another woman fit his needs better. She couldn’t fault the man. Look at the splendid kinner Lavina had given him. Yost had two sons and two daughters, and the daughters were lovely twins. She could not have done half as well.

  Now there was Charles, the Englisha man she had met. Charles was impossible. Charles was forbidden. Charles could not be, and yet she was drawn to him as she had been to Yost. Why had this happened to her twice? Why would love be denied to her again?

  Nancy forced herself to walk faster. Perhaps if she hurried she would regain her goot sense and return to the house where she belonged. Maybe then Charles would eventually take her no for an answer. Surely he was a man who respected heartfelt feelings, even when he didn’t understand them. If she could muster the same necessary courage to tell him not to call on her again, all would be well.

  On the other hand, Charles clearly knew of the love that had sprung up in her heart for him, and he might not give up his marriage proposal that easily. But how could she accept him? Deacon William would visit the Saturday evening after the news broke, and she would be in the bann before two more weeks had passed. Could she stand that? Was her love for Charles enough to weather such a storm?

  Nancy set her face. If she knew the answer to that question, comfort might settle in her heart. Could she trust a man again? She had been in love before, and that had not been enough. Yost had often held her hand back in those days when they dated and walked together, side by side. Yet he must have known from the beginning that their relationship wouldn’t work. Yost had led her on. For two long years she had been driven home in his buggy on Sunday evenings, trying to convince herself that Yost would soon propose, but deep down she had known that he would choose someone else.

  When Yost broke off the relationship, he had been kind. She could still remember his words. “I have loved you, Nancy, and your presence has been enjoyable these evenings we have spent together. I want to thank you for them. I respect you highly, but I think the Lord has someone else in mind for you—someone who can be a better husband than I would have been. Don’t you agree?”

  She had nodded, but that had been more to hide the tears than anything else, and to shelter the gaping wound in her heart.

  “I will always remember our time together,” Yost had said. But of course he hadn’t. How could Yost have remembered if he went on to marry someone else? She had never been able to take that step, even when other men had asked to take her home from the hymn singing. “I’m committed to school teaching,” she had told them with a gentle smile.

  Only that wasn’t the truth. She was committed to a memory of what once was. Or perhaps of what could have been. Nancy lifted her face toward the sky and wept. How could she ever trust a man again? The sweep of the stars overhead stung through her tears, and she looked down at the shadowy blacktop again. She would go back to the house. Charles had given up his chance tonight. If he couldn’t be on time, it was best to end this. She couldn’t trust this rush of emotion, this love that swelled up in her heart, just as it once had done for Yost. Only the avalanche was worse this time, as if to make up for all those lost years.

  She would harden her heart and do the right thing. Wasn’t that how duties were done? One clenched one’s teeth and performed. She would perform tomorrow at the Sunday service. At least she would have a clear conscience for once. Wouldn’t that be a relief? She could offer Deacon William a steady handshake and a sincere smile. The man knew she had strayed in her heart. She was sure of that. But Deacon William had no evidence, and he certainly didn’t imagine the depth to which she had fallen.

  Nancy quickened her pace back toward the faint outline of the small house in the distance. Soon the winter’s snow would blast across the countryside, and she wouldn’t be able to take these long evening walks. But what did it matter? Nothing mattered when the heart was broken.

  Moments later headlights filled the woods on either side of Nancy, and the sound of an Englisha vehicle rumbled behind her. She stepped to the side of the road and kept her head down. The car slowed. Nancy held her breath as her mind raced. What if Charles had come after all? Why else would the vehicle stop? And this after all her resolutions. Why didn’t she run for the house and lock the door? Charles wouldn’t pursue her. He was too much of a gentleman for that.

  “Nancy!” Charles’s firm voice rose above the noise of his pickup truck. “Get in!”

  Nancy let out her breath and reached for the door handle. She opened the door and climbed in quickly.

  “I’m sorry for being late,” Charles said. “But looks like I made it just in time.” He grinned and didn’t wait for an answer as he sped off past Nancy’s small house.

  Nancy looked out through the windshield, where the headlights bounced wildly on the passing landscape.

  “I’m sometimes a little late,” Charles continued. “I always try to make it on time.” He laughed. “I’m glad you’re with me tonight, Nancy. I’ve looked forward to this all week.”

  Nancy kept silent. He knew her feelings and why she was hesitating.

  “So where shall we eat tonight now that you are on my turf?” Charles asked.

  “Somewhere far, far away,” Nancy muttered.

  Charles chuckled. “How about in Potsdam? Is that far enough?”

  Nancy nodded, but didn’t look at him.

  “No buggies there,” Charles teased. “You can relax, dear.”

  Nancy took a deep breath and reached for his hand. “Charles…” she began, but stopped. It was of no use. She couldn’t get the words out.

  Charles tried to comfort her. “You’ll feel better once we’re out of Amish country.”

  Nancy glanced at him and tried to relax. Now that she was with Charles, the worst was over. No matter where they went tonight, the fact that she was in Charles’s pickup truck—if the news ever reached Deacon William’s ears—would be trouble enough.

  “Maybe you’ll enjoy the evening a little,” Charles said, his tone hopeful.

  She gave him a soft smile, and his grin spread from ear to ear. “That’s better. I knew you’d come around.”

  Nancy looked away. To enjoy an evening with Charles, she must forget about everything else—Deacon William and the community and her past with Yost. She was with Charles, and she did love the man. Why not act like it tonight? She had already transgressed seriously. A few smiles and kind words shared with Charles couldn’t make things any worse. Maybe she could even believe that a miracle might happen and she could marry him someday.

&
nbsp; Charles remained silent as he navigated the back roads and drove through the town of DeKalb. She had rarely come this far east. She only drove to Canton when it was absolutely necessary. Potsdam was beyond that and would be well out of the community limits. But she would not think about such things tonight—at least until Charles dropped her off at home later.

  “So how was your week?” Nancy asked, once Charles had turned onto Highway 11.

  He smiled. “About the same. Quiet for this time of the year. How’s that boy from the accident? The one who fell.”

  “John Yoder is his name.” Nancy gazed out into the night. “Not too well, but he’s still alive, which is a miracle. They have him home now.”

  “Really? This soon with his injuries?”

  Nancy frowned. “We don’t carry insurance, and the bill was high enough already. Without hope offered by the doctors, why stay any longer in the hospital?”

  “But he’s getting better?”

  Nancy winced. “He’s not dead, if that’s better. Many from the community think it would be best if John passed rather than spend his days a cripple or worse. His girlfriend, Laura, stays close by his side when she can. That’s probably what’s keeping him around, which may not be for the best. But who are we to know what the Lord wills?”

  “Love can do strange things,” Charles mused. “Don’t ever underestimate it. Look at me, for example. I…” He stopped. “Sorry, I won’t go there right now.”

  Nancy reached for his hand and held it tightly. “I know, but—”

  Charles hushed her. “Don’t say it. Let’s just enjoy tonight.”

  So they were of one mind on that subject at least. Nancy held her grip on Charles’s hand. She wanted to hold on and never let go, but that was impossible, even if she agreed to marry the man—which she couldn’t. She simply couldn’t. Nancy forced the words out. “It’s kind of you to take me all the way up to Potsdam, Charles. You don’t have to.”

  “Of course I have to.” He grinned. “Your very breath is my command.”