Burn with me

by Rachael Tonks

  And Caleb hasn’t left my side. My heart pounds with the pain of what happened, but it aches for what I’ve lost with this amazing man who saved me.

  He’ll never want me now, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust a guy again.

  “Should I call her?” he asks for a second time.

  “Don’t call her. Please,” I plead. He doesn’t ask why, he just moves his head slightly; nodding in agreement. The guy who raped me was my best friend’s fuck buddy. How am I going to explain this? This is so fucked up. Rape wasn’t something I’d ever feared. I’m strong and above all else I’m careful. Always so careful. I never thought it would be me.

  Until last night.

  I was weak. Brought on by the over-indulgence of alcohol. If sober, I could have fought back. And despite trying in my drunken state, I just didn’t have the strength. Clenching my eyes, images play over in my mind of what happened. His face. The sound of his menacing laughter reverberates through my thoughts. The smell of his aftershave. A smell I will forever remember. The scent is still so strong in my mind it burns the inside of my nostrils.

  I swallow, my throat so sore, just like the rest of my broken body. But one thing I know without a doubt is that my body will heal. I don’t think I will ever be able to say the same for my heart and mind.

  “Is there anyone else you’d like me to call?” he asks, snapping me from my thoughts.

  “I don’t have anyone else,” I choke out. And that was the truth of it. I don’t have anyone. No shoulder to cry on. No one who can make this all better. My only friend is too attached to the monster of a rapist. Guilt overtakes me at the fact that Caleb is still here.

  I don’t want to be anybody’s burden.

  “You don’t have to stay. Thank you for all you’ve done, but I’ll be good from here.”

  “You’re staying with me. No arguments,” he says, very matter-of-fact.

  I’m completely taken back. “Wwwhy?” I stutter, wondering why he would offer his home to me, why the guy who has pushed me away up to this point, who has seen me at my most vulnerable, at my worst, would offer to put me up.

  “No fucking arguments,” he says. And that’s that. I can’t argue. Because the thought of being with Caleb, knowing I’m not alone, is a small comfort in this whole fucked up situation.

  “Besides,” he continues, “the police will be doing forensic tests, so it might be a no go area for a day or two.”

  I nod, remembering the officer saying something similar. “Have they caught him?” I ask, scared of what the answer might be.

  “They will,” he says through gritted teeth, his nostrils flaring. “And if they don’t, I’ll find that fucker and kill him with my bare hands.” He taps his leg, his hands wound tightly in a ball.

  Silence fills the room, neither one of us saying anything. His shaking leg hypnotizes me as it bounces up and down. I snap from my daze at the sound of a cell phone ringing, jumping a little.

  “Hello,” he answers quietly.

  “Where are you, man? I’m worried about you. Why the fuck are the police at Amber’s apartment?” I hear Josh’s loud voice through the receiver. Caleb’s gaze meets mine, widening as if asking an unspoken question. It’s obvious he wants approval.

  I nod sadly, a single tear falling as I allow my swollen eyelids to fall shut.

  “I’m at the hospital with Amber.”

  “What the fuck?” I hear him yell. “What’s happened? Is she okay? Are you okay?” he rushes out his questions, his voice frantic.

  “I’m here and she’ll be okay. I’ll make sure of it,” he mumbles, removing the phone from his ear and pressing the end button. All the while you can hear Josh trying to say something. He pushes his cell phone back in his pocket, reaching his hand out to mine. He gently hooks his fingers through mine and I lay here, tears streaming down my swollen face as I try to wash away the pain with my tears.

  Hours pass before I’m allowed to leave the hospital. To my surprise, Josh is waiting just outside for us as we leave.

  “Amber,” Josh calls out, racing over as we exit the building. He scoops me up, holding me so tightly, I’m sure he’s going to cut off my oxygen supply. He pulls back, releasing his hold from around my frame, before resting my feet against the ground.

  “I don’t know what to say.” He sighs, and I’m pretty sure I see a swell of tears in his eyes. His hands rest lightly on my shoulders. “I’m so sorry.” He drops his head, shaking it loosely.

  “There’s really no need. I should never have let myself get so drunk,” I admit, the weight of my actions heavy on my mind.

  “Don’t,” growls Caleb. “Don’t ever fucking say that again. Being drunk does not excuse what he fucking did to you, Amber.”

  “I’m not saying that,” I answer weakly. The darkness behind his eyes tells me he’s suffering, too. I haven’t stopped to think what seeing me being raped may have done to him. I move my hand until its resting on his arm. “I know this isn’t easy for you. I’m sorry you had to see that.”

  Caleb moves quickly until he’s standing right in front of me. His hand reaches out and touches the side of my face that is bruised and really swollen. His eyes flutter shut, as his finger moves ever so gently across my skin. “Don’t apologize. I should have stopped him sooner.”

  “You saved me. God only knows what would’ve happened if it wasn’t for you.” I shudder as I digest my own words. Anything could have happened. He could have killed me.

  “Let’s get you back to the apartment,” interjects Josh. We quickly get into his car, making our way back to the apartment building. I’m petrified, the hazy scenes of last night flash through my mind like one of those old, pre-animation zoetropes. I rest my head against Caleb’s chest as we ride in the back of Josh’s car. His chest rises and falls quickly, and I know my heart is beating at double speed. I’m unable to calm it. The fact that we are pulling into the parking lot of the complex doesn’t help.

  “I don’t think I can do this,” I blurt out in a fluster. I sit up, removing myself from the comfort of Caleb’s hold, my flight reflex in overdrive. I reach for the lever to open the door and within seconds, I’m out of the car and running down the road. I can barely breathe and my heart hammers like a thousand horses galloping, but I can’t slow down. I keep running; my short legs feel unsteady but they don’t fail me.

  “Amber,” Caleb calls, momentarily coming into my line of sight. He holds out his hands, causing me to halt to a stop. I heave, my legs buckling as I crash to the ground. I sit there, my legs resting underneath me, as I wrap my arms around my body, rocking backward and forward. My cries fill the street and I can no longer see anything through the puddles of tears building in my eyes. I lose it. Right here in the middle of the street. I feel a familiar warmth as arms wrap under me, pulling me up from the ground. I know that heat, that smell. I rest my head in the crook of his neck, sobbing. I’m broken.

  Caleb

  I want to kill him with my bare hands. I should have finished him when I saw him doing what he was doing to Amber. I can’t even force the word in my thoughts. All I know is that she’s my main priority. I need to know she will be okay, that she is okay.

  Three days she’s been with me and every night I hold her tightly in my bed. I know coming back here is hard as fuck for her. She’s cried. A lot. But I don’t care. I will be the one to wipe away her tears for as long as she needs me, for as long as it takes.

  Amber has refused visitors, and Lily’s been banging at my door every day since we arrived back from the hospital.

  Amber’s in bed, refusing to get up. I work all day on my art, fulfilling my orders. Making as much money while I can. Josh comes around when I need to go out, but I avoid leaving at all costs.

  Making myself a cup of coffee, I take one into the bedroom for Amber. She’s curled in a ball, her face still bruised and swollen. But it’s her eyes that sadden me the most. It’s the pain you can see so evidently. Something that was there before has gone,
and I’m not sure she’ll ever get it back. That spark, that fire.

  “Coffee?” I offer, placing it on the nightstand beside her. I slowly lower myself down until I’m sitting on the edge of the bed.

  “Thank you,” she mouths, pushing herself up. She winces as she rests back against the headboard. With her knees pulled up, she takes a hold of the coffee cup, resting it on her bended knee.

  “Still painful?” I ask with concern.

  “I’m good,” she throws out with a sad smile, but I know she still hurts. Bad. I don’t get a chance to respond as a knock at the door interrupts our conversation. Amber jumps, her eyes widening for a second.

  “Door,” I reassure her, resting my hand on her leg. I smile before stepping away from the bed and heading out to answer the door.

  I check through the peep hole. Lily stands on the other side of the door with flowers and chocolates. Turning to go back and ask her if she wants to see Lily, I find her a few steps behind me, wearing my hoodie. Her small frame rests against the wall of the hallway. My heart skips a beat seeing her in my clothes. I swallow down the lump in my throat. “Shall I?” I nod my head in the direction of the door.

  “Lily?” she asks, narrowing her eyes at me. I nod, letting her know she’s right.

  “It’s time.” She closes her eyes, turning and walking into the living room.

  Another loud knock on the door and Lily’s raised voice echoes as I reach for the lock, turning it and opening it. “Before you even think about saying no,” she blurts out. “Just know, I ain’t taking no for an answer. I’m coming in.” She steps a large, exaggerated step forward into the apartment. Moving to the side, I open the door wider to allow her access. She stops for a second, her eyes widening as she clutches the flowers and chocolates. She turns to me. “Well that was easy,” she mutters before heading down the hall. I follow her, needing to check on Amber.

  “Shall I give you some space?” I ask Amber.

  “No,” she blurts out. “Stay,” she pleads. I jump on a bar stool so they have some space, but not too much.

  “Oh, Amber. I’ve been so worried about you,” Lily cries out, sitting beside her on the couch, throwing her arms around her before pulling back and studying her face. “Girl, your face is messed up.”

  “Gee, thanks, Lil. You really know how to cheer a girl up.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” She gasps, dropping her head. “I’m just so shocked. I didn’t expect you to look this bad.” Lily reaches out, encasing her arms around Amber. Both girls cry as they embrace each other for the first time. They break their hold, Lily wiping away Amber’s tears with a swipe of her thumb.

  “I just can’t believe Ryan would ever do something like this,” Lily says. Amber’s face falls at the words that tumble from her friend’s mouth. “You know he’s denying it, right?”

  “So what?” Amber sniffles. “You think I’m making this up? You think this,” –she points to her face– “was just a result of a drunken one-night stand? Really?” she says, her voice quivering with emotion.

  “I…I…I do believe you,” she stutters, clearly shocked by Amber’s reaction. “How much do you remember?” she asks, swallowing down nervously.

  “Every fucking thing,” Amber growls. She grits her teeth and scrunches her nose up. “Yes, I was drunk, Lil, but when someone has their hands around your throat, when they’re forcing themselves on you, well that motherfucker is like one big fucking wake up call.” She jumps to her feet. “And if you don’t believe me, then take your skinny blonde ass out that door, because you’re no friend of mine.”

  “I’m sorry,” she squeaks, tears falling from her face. “You have to see it from my point of view. I’m in the middle here. You say one thing, he says another.” She sighs heavily and I can no longer sit here silent. Jumping down from the barstool, my feet land heavily against the wooden floor.

  “Listen to me,” I angrily interrupt. “I saw exactly what happened. You should believe your friend.” I shake my head. No wonder Amber didn’t want to see her.

  “I’ve just never seen that side of him.” Her shoulders slump as though she carries the weight of the world.

  “That’s because you always gave it up so easily,” Amber snarls, walking away from the sofa. “We’re done here. I have nothing more to say to you.”

  Amber continues to walk away, heading down the hall. I know she’s going back to the bedroom. Following her down the hall, I stop at the door, opening it so Lily can leave. She scurries out with her head down, never looking at me. Once she’s out, I close and lock the door before rushing to the bedroom. My heart breaks into a thousand pieces as I zone in on the sounds coming from Amber. The cries are piercing.

  “How can he deny it? How can he say he didn’t do this?” Her sobs are loud. Her whole body heaves and trembles.

  “Because he’s an animal,” I soothe, taking her in my arms once again. “There’s no way he’ll get away with it.”

  “But what if other people believe him? Even my best friend doubts my story.” Her cries intensify as her sobs turn into wails. I hold her until her sobs cease and her body turns limp. Looking down, I see her eyes are closed. She’s cried herself to sleep in my arms. Not for the first or last time. I’m trying my hardest to remain calm, to be there for her, but inside I’m burning with rage, hurting that she’s hurting. Even if it’s the last thing I do, I’ll make sure he pays for what he did to her.

  Caleb

  Three weeks have passed and I can count on one hand the amount of times Amber has left the apartment. Reluctantly.

  A few police station visits and one doctor appointment. That’s all. But I can relate. I’ve been this way for years. But Amber is different. She has so much fire inside her, but right now the fire has gone out and for some reason, I feel responsible for her.

  Not only does she not want to leave the apartment, but she pretty much doesn’t leave the bedroom. She sobs constantly, which I guess is only to be expected. It kills me deep inside to see her hurting so bad and knowing I can’t do a damn thing to take away that pain.

  Josh helps. He talks candidly with Amber about returning to college and work, and honestly, he’s much better at that shit than me.

  I concentrate on finishing all of my art pieces, getting them ready to deliver to my customers. Some I have to courier as the drive is too far. I have a few to arrange and concentrate on tying up all the loose ends. Finishing up the last piece for today, I hear the unusual sound of feet tapping gently on the wooden floor boards. I hold the canvas in my hand, tilting my head to look at her as she approaches me. The sight of her takes my breath away and I begin to cough.

  “Jesus, are you okay?” She rushes over, patting me lightly on the back. I automatically shrug her off, the feeling of her hand against my back just too much.

  “Sorry.” She winces and a sad smile spreads. “Let me get you a glass of water,” she offers. And I’m thankful, the tickle in my throat not easing up. I can’t help but notice how much brighter she is today. This is the first day I’ve seen her dressed, hair done, and a little bit of that makeup which makes her look like a fucking A- list celebrity. She holds the glass in front of my face, her smile slight, but bright. Damn, it’s beautiful. I take the glass from her hand, my eyes glued to hers. I sip on the water, swallowing down, removing the lump in my throat. Water streams from my eyes, the result of my coughing fit.

  “This is pretty.” She points to the canvas in front of me.

  “Hmm,” I hum in agreement. She studies the watercolor. Pointing to it, she asks, “Do you mind?” She reaches out and I hand it to her. Resting the painting on her knee, she studies the painting for a few moments.

  “Is this a real place?” she asks. “It’s truly beautiful.” She concentrates on the lake painting. It’s a magnificent place. The customer who commissioned this did so because her husband’s ashes are scattered there.

  “It is,” I answer simply, handing her the photograph the customer gave me to work
from.

  “Wow. You make it look more beautiful than it already is. I mean, the real thing is super pretty, but this? The colors and textures you’ve used really bring it to life.” Her eyes light up and she talks excitedly for the first time in weeks. Her voice is like music to me, lifting my spirits to see that, even if it’s just for today, she’s doing okay.

  “I’ll take you one day.” I smile.

  “Really?” she all but squeals. “I’d love that. I really would.”

  “It’s good to see you smiling. To have you talking,” I mumble, something I thought I’d never hear myself saying.

  “Here’s the thing,” she pauses, sighing. Her eyes sadden. “I can’t let what happened ruin my life. Josh was right. I have to pick myself up and get back to being, well me. You know?”

  I nod, listening to every word intently.

  “I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done for me. You held me up at my weakest. Fuck, let’s be honest here, you saved me. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to thank you for that.”

  “I don’t deserve thanks,” I mumble. “I’m not the big hero you think I am.”

  “Don’t say that. You did save me, and you’ve saved me every day for the last three weeks.” She chokes up, and I can’t help but reach out and take her hand.

  “What is it that you’re running from? What happened that was so bad? Can’t you confide in me?” she pleas, staring at me, waiting for an answer.

  “My past is not up for discussion, got that?” I caution. The horrid events of the past should stay there. In the past.

  “But why?” she implores. “Let me in. Give me the chance to understand.”

  “Enough,” I growl. She jumps at the volume of my outburst. Immediately regretting it, I reach for her, taking her in my arms. I know shouting at her is a shit move, considering what she’s just been through.

  “I’m sorry,” I apologize. The last thing I want to do is upset her any more than she already has been. She separates from my hold. Lifting her hand up to my face, she rests it softly against my cheek.