Burn with me

by Rachael Tonks

  “Should you ever want someone to talk to, know I’m here for you,” she offers, her eyes genuine and filled with concern. I turn my head to gently kiss the palm of her hand. I look at her and her smile widens, almost reaching her eyes. Damn, it feels good knowing I was the one that put it there.

  “You pissed at me now?” she asks coyly, tipping her head to the side a little.

  I shake my head a little. “No. Why?” I ask. It’s obvious there is something on her mind.

  “Will you take me somewhere? Or are you too busy?” Her eyes dart to the paintings and my open laptop.

  “I’ll be good to go in about ten minutes,” I reply. “I need to get some of this work posted.”

  “Oh great.” She claps her hands together. “I want to go to the dance studio. Will you come with me? Stay with me? Just for an hour or so.”

  To watch her dance? This is a no brainer.

  “Sure,” I reply, jumping up and collecting everything I need.

  Amber

  I change into some cropped pants, a tank top, and I tie my hair up on the top of my head. As I look at myself in the mirror, I notice the bruising around my neck is practically gone. The memory stings just as much as the bruise once did. I clutch my throat, trying to force the memory away.

  I have spent three weeks of my short life curled up in a bed either crying or sleeping. I’m not prepared to let this become my life. I can’t change what he’s done, but I can try to move on from it.

  Caleb has hardly left my side and when he has, Josh has been there to keep me company. Josh is like the older brother we all want. He always knows the right thing to say. He told me to take it one day at a time and that’s exactly what I plan on doing.

  Today I need to be in the studio. I need to feel again. Be me once more. Get lost in the music. I tremble before putting on my bravest smile. I walk out to find Caleb leaning against the bar stool. His profile’s a sight that knocks the wind from my lungs. He has his hair tied up, too.

  “Hey,” I call out, lifting my head a little. “We’re matching,” I say, pointing to my hair.

  His mouth twitches with a smile. “You look cute. I just look a mess,” he spits back, and I know that he’s complimenting me. My stomach fills with butterflies. He makes me feel so good. Something I haven’t felt since the rape. I know that I need to make today the start of the rest of my life. I’ve cried enough tears. The memories haunt my mind, and quite frankly, I think they always will. But this hiding away, not being me is something I have to rectify, starting today.

  Small steps, I tell myself.

  I’ve thought long and hard about moving back into my apartment. I just don’t know that I can, considering what happened there. Other apartments in the area are out of my budget. To find one I can afford would mean being far away from Caleb and he’s the only thing that makes sense in my life right now.

  “You ready?” Caleb asks, pulling me from my thoughts. I smile, gathering my gym bag from the floor before tentatively waiting for him to open the door. I hate leaving the apartment, faced with the door that causes memories of that night to flood back. I throw my bag over my shoulder and hold my arms across my chest. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and tell myself that I can do this. Looping my arm through Caleb’s, we start our short walk down the corridor. I keep my head down as we walk past my door. But something strange catches my eye. I can’t help but stop. As I turn to look at the door, it hits me. That’s not my door.

  “What’s happened to my apartment door?” I ask him.

  “I had hoped you wouldn’t notice.” He sighs, his face full of disappointment.

  “Well it’s completely different. Everything. The style, the color. How did you think I wouldn’t notice?”

  “Yeah. Stupid, I guess, when you put it like that.” He side smiles, before tugging on my bended arm.

  “Tell you about it in the car,” he muffles, pulling me away from my apartment door. I don’t say anything else. I follow him down the stairwell and out of the building, my mind a buzz with ideas of why the hell I would have a new door. Was there other damage?

  We make our way over to his car. Jumping in, I quickly belt up, turning my body toward him, eager to know what the deal is with the door.

  “Okay, so please don’t be mad,” he starts off, and I suddenly feel really nervous.

  “Okay,” I reply, hoping he will fill in the blanks.

  “So, I thought it would be nice to replace the door and spruce up the apartment a little,” he says, his voice quivering. It’s clear he’s nervous.

  “You didn’t have to do that.”

  “I know.” He turns to me, grabbing my hand. “You know you’re welcome to stay with me for as long as you need. I just thought it might be good to give you somewhere that doesn’t remind you of what happened. You know, make it a little easier when you decide the time is right.”

  I squeeze his hands gently. I’m totally in awe of him and his generosity. I’m not his problem, or his girlfriend, yet he has been by my side since the day my life changed forever.

  “I don’t know what to say,” I choke back, frantically fighting the swell of tears.

  “You don’t need to say anything,” he assures. “We’ll take a look at it when you’re up for it.”

  “Thank you,” I say, leaning my head against the top of his arm. My heart beats slightly faster and a solitary tear slides down my cheek. Not because I’m sad, but because I’m so touched by this man. He has become more than just a neighbor. He’s my friend, my very closest friend.

  ***

  Once Caleb is done delivering all of his packages, we arrive at the studio. I know there’s a class in the main hall, but the smaller upstairs room is free to use. I’d called before we left and checked with Molly about using the other space. I hop out, my eyes scanning the area around, nervous that I might see someone I don’t want to. Caleb emerges from the vehicle, opening the rear door. He pulls out a large folder. I narrow my eyebrows, unsure what this folder could be.

  He notices the look on my face. “Don’t mind if I work while you do your thing, do you?”

  “Course not.” I smile at him as we make our way toward the building. My anxiety rises, hoping that I’m not subject to a thousand and one questions. I open the door quietly, expecting a class to be in full swing. As soon as I walk through the door, Molly spots me, excusing herself from the small group and making her way over to me as fast as possible.

  “Amber.” She smiles widely before embracing me tightly. “Girl, how are you doing?”

  “Well, you know.” I sigh and shrug my shoulders.

  “Shit, I’m sorry. What a stupid question. I’m just glad to see your beautiful face.” She widens her smile, a look of sympathy etched into the creases of her face.

  She looks over my shoulder, acknowledging Caleb. “Friend?” she asks, with a lift of her brow.

  “The best kind,” I answer, turning and smiling at Caleb. His head hangs low and I can tell this is awkward for him. I know he doesn’t do shit like this. Leaving the comfort of his apartment is a big deal for him, but this? Well, this is huge. I reach back, taking his hand in mine. Pulling him along behind me, I make my way to the stairwell door.

  “Thanks for this, Molly,” I call over my shoulder. She gives a little wave as I walk off through the doors.

  “I’m sorry for dragging you here,” I apologize, knowing this is a big deal for him, but not really understanding why.

  “I can work. No biggie,” he answers.

  We reach the room lined with mirrors and bars that span two sides of the room. There are a few chairs in the studio, so I throw down my gym bag on one of them. Taking out my bottle of water, I take a quick sip. Picking out the music for today’s session, I decide to go with my favorite mix of contemporary tracks.

  I quickly stretch, making sure I’m warmed up before I start. Caleb is sitting in the corner of the room. He pulls out a large pad of paper and an array of pencils. I fix my gaze on him, his face
brighter than I’ve ever seen it before. The light streaming through the window highlights his face. His usually dark, steely eyes are more of a light grey, borderline blue color. His hand moves so quickly across the paper. His eyes finally leave his drawing and land on me. I shudder, goose bumps covering my whole body. His eyes glisten so brightly that I can’t help but get lost in them. They are pure, faultless, and damningly beautiful.

  “Okay?” he asks, concern in his voice.

  “I am. Yeah.” I smile, turning back to the bar, lifting my leg and stretching out. My eyes never leave him as I watch him through the mirror. He returns to his drawing, getting lost in his own world.

  And that’s exactly what I do for the next hour or so. I dance my weakened body until I can no longer dance anymore. It’s been weeks since I pushed my body, and it shows. I’m out of shape. Breathless at times. The music makes me feel alive and the beat reverberates through my body, so I push through the pain.

  The slower songs channel my inner feelings. I need a release. Someway to express the pain, the anger that’s building inside. And this is perfect. My soul is alive. Thriving as the music guides my body to express how I’m truly feeling.

  Having this outlet for my pain gives me pleasure. I don’t need to cry. I need to channel my pent up anger and frustration.

  For now, this is the answer.

  For now, I feel like me again.

  As I wind down, stretching out to the last song on my playlist, I catch a glimpse of Caleb watching me. He’s packed away his things and I’m more than intrigued to see what he’s been working on. Hopping to his feet, he walks toward me, taking slow and steady steps.

  As I catch my breath, his face lights up, his smile as wide as I’ve ever seen it.

  “Wow,” he says, with a gentle shake of his head. “You’re phenomenal. I had no idea you were so good. It’s like you and the music become one.” There is genuine surprise in his voice. He holds out his hand and I grab onto the tips of his fingers. I guide his hand in the air, allowing enough height for me to pirouette on the spot.

  “You’d make a good dancer,” I tease, pushing my tongue against my cheek. His face turns red and he rolls his eyes. Grabbing tighter on my hand, he moves them to the bottom of my back, pulling me in close until my chest rests against his.

  “You certainly can move,” he compliments. His eyes widen and connect with mine.

  I move our intertwined hands, placing them against my chest. “It all comes from in here.” I tap the spot gently. “Thank you for coming today. I really needed this. I’m not sure I could’ve done it without you.”

  “Sure you could. You just don’t know how strong you are, how much fire you have inside of you, Amber.”

  “You’re going to make me blush if you keep talking like that.” I smile, leaning my head against his firm chest. “Thank you,” I whisper.

  “Ready?” he asks, pulling back from our embrace. I’m still surprised on how much Caleb has opened up and let me in the last few weeks. We’d spent weeks going back and forth before the incident. This is refreshing and I have to admit I like it.

  “Let’s go,” I say sprightly, collecting my belongings. We make our way through the door, heading downstairs. Walking through the main studio, I notice Molly is sprawled out on the floor, paperwork surrounding her. I try to catch her attention. She waves her hand at us in the air.

  “I have to get these accounts in order,” she grumbles, throwing the sheet in her hand into the air.

  I laugh a little. “Thanks for letting me come by today.” I wave back to her.

  “Hey, you know my door is always open for you.” Jumping to her feet, she makes her way over to us. “I had a little look at your routine.” She purses her lips while nodding her head. “You look good, but I think you might need to work on building up your stamina again, girl. There were times when you were out of breath. Your breathing was all over the place.”

  I know she’s right, I could feel it myself.

  “Couldn’t agree more,” I offer back.

  “Maybe you could take up running,” she says with a lift of her brow. “Always good for the old stamina,” she concludes.

  I look up at Caleb with a little smirk. “I might just do that,” I agree before blowing her a kiss and saying a final goodbye.

  “You up for it?” I ask Caleb as we make our way across the parking lot.

  “Sure, if you think you can keep up with me. After all, she did say you were out of shape,” he teases, nudging my arm with his elbow.

  “I bet I could give you and Josh a run for your money,” I scoff, knowing full well I couldn’t. Caleb doesn’t get a chance to respond as we are interrupted by the sound of someone shouting.

  “Amber,” someone repeatedly calls my name. Panic rises inside me the second I realize whose voice it is. I turn my head frantically and see Rose coming up fast behind us.

  “Shit,” I grate out. I look helplessly to Caleb. “What the fuck do I say to her?”

  “You don’t have to say anything,” he answers with an eerie calm to his voice. Taking my hand, he continues, “Just keep walking. We get in the car and go back to the apartment.”

  “I can’t just ignore her,” I whisper back.

  “Amber, wait up,” she shouts again and my feet come to an automatic halt. I turn around, facing her as she stands just a few feet from me.

  “I don’t want any trouble,” I say solemnly, holding up my hand. Caleb stands so close behind me I can feel his body heat against mine.

  “Me either,” she offers back. “My whole family believes you. I believe you. I’m so ashamed and disgusted and I know this won’t make everything right, but I want to let you know I’m sincerely sorry,” she says, clutching her hands together in front of her.

  Wow. I didn’t expect that. I was sure he would tell his family the same pack of lies he’d spewed to Lily.

  “He’s admitted it to you?” I quiz, shocked by her view point.

  “He had to,” she says sadly. She drops her head as her eyes fill with tears. “I didn’t want to believe he’d done this. I didn’t want to think that he’s even capable of such a thing. But, the evidence is there for all to see. I didn’t let up and eventually he admitted what he’d done. My parents refused to pay his bail. I’m so, so sorry,” she says, reaching out her hand to me.

  I shake my head. “You have no reason to be sorry. This wasn’t on you. You’re not Ryan.” I take her hand and she pulls me in for a hug, holding her arms tightly around me.

  “Do you think you’ll be coming back to work anytime soon?” she asks, easing her hold on me and taking a step back. “The tips are shit without you, girl.” She chuckles sweetly, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand before sniffling loudly.

  I laugh, realizing that I’m going to have to face college and work at some point. Hearing that he’s no longer denying what he did to me, that his own family knows I’m telling the truth, well, that reassures me. Despite the fact he’s still pleading not guilty. Trying to say the whole thing was consensual. Rose reaches into her purse, pulling out some paper. She rips out one of the back pages. Scribbling something down, she passes me the paper.

  “Call me, anytime. Let me know when you’re coming back to work. It’s not the same without you.” Her goofy smile widens, before she turns, waving at me over her shoulder. “See you soon, hopefully,” she yells as the distance between us grows.

  “Well, that was a surprise.” I release a breath I’d been holding. “I totally expected her to take her brother’s side.” I look up at Caleb as we get closer to his car.

  “Like she said, the evidence is too damning for him to keep up his bullshit story. Even if he hasn’t got the balls to admit it publicly.” While speaking with Rose, Caleb’s whole demeanor changed. Annoyance laces his tone and his brow furrows as his eyes darken.

  “Hey.” I place my hand on his arm. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing’s wrong,” he answers quietly, his teeth gritting together. �
�It’s just that every time I so much as think about what that bastard did to you my fucking blood boils. He hurt you. And I want to pull him apart for what he’s done,” he answers. His voice cracks and his breaths are short and shallow.

  “Oh,” I reply to his unexpected confession, not quite sure how to take it. His face changes and his angry eyes turn to sad ones. I’m sure there is more to his anger than he lets on, but I don’t press him. His past is out of bounds. We both climb into the car. Caleb falls into the driver’s seat, throwing his folder to the back. Pausing for a second, he grips the steering wheel and I’m unsure how to react. So I go for distraction.

  “You want to show me what you were working on in there?” I nod my head toward the building we just left. His head doesn’t move; instead, he just looks at me with a side eye.

  “Nope, not sharing,” he says candidly, a weak smile tugging at his lips.

  “Oh really. Why’s that?” I press, wanting to know what the big secret is.

  “It’s top secret. I’m not telling,” he says with finality, and I know he isn’t going to give. After all, he hides so much about himself from me. Why wouldn’t this be any different?

  “Okay. So can we do something tonight? Maybe see if Josh is free to join us.”

  His head whips to the side so fast it looks as though it might actually detach from his neck. “What?” he gasps, the word tumbling from his mouth.

  “I thought I could cook for the three of us. Something nice.” I smile. “What do you think?”

  “You don’t have to do that,” he mumbles, turning the key in the ignition and putting the car in drive.

  “Nooo,” I exaggerate the word. “I don’t. But I’d like to. Today has been a good day, and I think it’s time I thank you boys for all you’ve done for me.” I smile at him, beaming about the fact that I finally feel up to doing something for them. My chance to give back.

  “If that’s what makes you happy, then I’m in.”