Burn with me

by Rachael Tonks

  Taking hold of her arms, I loosen her hold on me, so I can turn to face her. Her eyes are open wide, as is her heart. I take her in my hold, pressing her small frame against mine.

  “I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time,” I admit. Opening up and telling people how I feel isn’t something I do. But I feel like I can with her. She is slowly but surely dragging me from the pathetic existence I’ve lived these past five years. She smiles the sweetest smile; the kind that lights up her whole face.

  “I’m pleased,” she says solemnly. “I just wish it was under different circumstances,” she replies, tears swelling in her eyes.

  “Me too.” I nod. The silence grows, and I can’t help but feel uncomfortable, not knowing what to say.

  “Shall we get ready to go?” I ask, trying to change the subject.

  “Let’s do this,” she says energetically, clapping her hands together. She buzzes around, picking out her clothes, while asking me questions about what she needs to wear and how far we will travel. I only half listen as I can’t stop thinking about how much I need her right now. I’ve never needed anyone before. Until she came into my life. And now, I can’t quite get my head around how much I need her. But I do.

  Amber

  I’m pretty sure we’ve been driving for hours, but when I check my watch, it’s been less than thirty minutes. I fidget in my seat, trying to take in the surroundings, but I have no clue where we are.

  “How much further?” I ask for the third time, almost like a child would.

  Caleb lets out a chuckle, shaking his head. “Not far now,” he answers, his eyes never leaving the road. I look around and we are in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by trees and mountains. I can’t help but gawp out of the window. The view is stunning.

  “I’m pretty sure that’s the same answer you gave me over ten minutes ago,” I joke, looking back at him. He laughs and I narrow my eyes at him, wondering how much longer it is actually going to take.

  “Just down here.” He points down a narrow gravel track, slowing down and indicating his turn.

  “We cannot be going down that road,” I gasp. “We’re going to get stuck, or lost or worse. We’re going to die,” I cry out dramatically.

  “No dying today.” He chuckles, turning down the narrow dirt track. I thrust the palms of my hands against my eyes, terrified this isn’t going to play out well. Peeking through the gap between my fingers, I see branches scraping down the side of the car.

  “Oh my god. I’m going to die, aren’t I?” I weep. I close my eyes, my hands still covering them. I feel the car come to a sudden stop. “Is it safe yet?” I ask, hearing some movement in the vehicle.

  I remove my hands, slowly opening my eyes. “Oh. My. God.” I gasp loudly, my eyes transfixed on the view out of the windshield. “It can’t be.”

  “It really is,” he says, pushing open his door. Making his way around to my side, he pulls open the door, holding his hand out to me. I look up at his eyes as they reflect in the sunlight. They look almost as beautiful as the scenery. I take his hand, eager to get out and take a look around.

  “It’s the lake. The one in your picture.”

  He nods, smiling. “Stunning, isn’t it?”

  “I think this might just be my new favorite place of all time,” I say, pulling him toward the rocks that lead down to the lake. The water is surrounded by trees. A clear blue, with a hint of green, which I’m sure is the reflection from the trees. I feel a feel huge sense of serenity as I stare at the expanse of blue water in front of me. Rays of sunlight dance delicately over the water, the mid-day sun bright and a little blinding. I shield my eyes to take in the beautiful view. My heart swells that he actually brought me here. I suggested it, and at the time he agreed, but I never thought he would. I inhale deeply, taking in each of the fragrant smells that surrounds us. I never want to forget this moment.

  “Let’s take a walk.” He holds out his hand and I don’t hesitate. I take it, intertwining my fingers with his, pulling his arms toward my body. We walk around the lake, and make our way to the small wooded area on the other side. I listen intently, wondering what the sound is I can hear in the distance. As we walk closer, it dawns on me what it is.

  “Is there a waterfall here?” I ask, excitedly.

  “Sure is,” he answers.

  I can’t believe it. The closer we get the more deafening the sound of the waterfall becomes. No longer can I hear my heart beating. But I can still feel it, hammering away in my chest. As we approach the waterfall, I see the white stream cascading over the rocky backdrop. As soon as we are within a few feet, water vapor drenches us unexpectedly. I squeal, and within minutes, we are as wet as someone caught in a rainstorm. I release Caleb’s hand, running away from the mist of water. Droplets slide down my face from my hair. Caleb stands still, his arms in the air. It’s as if the cascades of water conjure cascades of hidden, powerful emotions in his brain and he stands there, taking it all in. It’s simply spectacular. The most magnificent sight I’ve ever witnessed.

  Standing there, taking in the beauty, I hear a noise. Turning my head from side to side, I don’t see anyone or anything else around me. Throwing my arm over my eyes to block the sun, I look back at Caleb. He’s making a painful sound, but the waterfall drowns out most of it. Walking back over to him, I place my hand on the base of his back, trying to gain his attention. He looks down, blinking the water from his eyes. He smiles, leaning down so his mouth is against my ear.

  “Try it. Scream, shout. Let it all out,” he shouts, but is voice is barely audible over the crashing water. He steps back, wiping his hands over his face. He mouths, “Do it.”

  So I do. I yell and scream. Emotion pours from me with force, enough to rival the force of the water falling in front of us. My whole body shakes, my hands roll into balls, my nails digging into my skin as I let it out with intensity.

  I scream until my voice gives out and my body can no longer cope with the outpouring of emotion. I drop to the ground, water pouring down my face. My water soaked hair is stuck to my head and face. I rest back on my feet, my head falling into my lap. I’m drained, emotionally. Constantly trying to be strong, trying to hide how broken I really am. How violated and dirty I feel. Sitting there for a few seconds, I take a huge breath before lifting my head. The first thing I see are his sympathetic eyes. His hand reaches down for mine and I take it, letting him pull me to my feet. Instead, he surprises me by sweeping me into his arms. He starts walking back to the lake, and I take the opportunity to bury my head into his chest as he carries me back to where we entered. He slowly places me back on my feet, placing a gentle kiss on my cheekbone.

  “Wait here,” he says, pointing to me as he jogs off toward the parked car.

  Within seconds, he returns with towels and a huge wicker basket.

  “Here, take this.” He offers a towel to me. I take it, drying my face and ruffling my hair to remove the excess water. My heart still pounds from my outburst, and my emotion turns to elation. I feel uplifted, like I somehow managed to rid myself of the pent up anger and emotion.

  “Well, that was different,” I say honestly.

  “I find it helps…A lot,” he says, widening his eyes.

  I nod in agreement. “My heart is still pounding,” I confess. “In a good way.”

  “Good,” he answers simply.

  “I mean, I’m really fucking wet, but I feel like I managed to relieve some of that anger. You know the sort you bury deep, hoping it will never surface, even though it keeps trying to rear its ugly head.”

  Nodding, he takes a towel, running it across his face. “I battle that motherfucker every damn day.”

  I sigh, wishing I had some idea, some clue as to what he constantly refers to. But I know not to push it. I learned that lesson quickly.

  “I have an idea.” I smirk widely, pulling on the hem of my top. Tugging, I pull the wet cloth over my head. I do the same with my shorts, pushing them down my legs. His eyes widen at me as I sta
nd in front of him in just my underwear.

  “What the fuck are you doing?” he snaps, turning his head away from me.

  “It’s like me wearing a bikini,” I insist, taking my wet clothes and putting them on the rocks beside the lake.

  “They’ll dry here,” I add. “We should take a dip in the water. You can swim, can’t you?”

  He doesn’t respond. He just scrunches up his face in disgust before removing his shirt and pants. And just like that, he runs at lightning speed, toward the lake. The second he makes it to the edge, he tucks his legs up, bombing into the water. I laugh raucously, hardly able to believe my eyes. I slowly walk over, dipping my toe into the water. I shiver a little, the water feeling quite cold in comparison to the extremely warm day. I sit down on the edge, slowly lowering myself in. As soon as I’m in, it feels refreshing, so I swim over to Caleb where he’s resting against a few rocks on the side of the lake.

  “This is so beautiful,” I breathe out as I reach him, pushing the hair out of my face. I swim just a little bit closer until my body is against his. I work my arms around his neck, intertwining my fingers to secure my position. He stares at me for the longest time and I wish I had some idea of what he is thinking. How he feels about me. His hand slowly reaches for my face, his finger running across my jaw line. I can’t help it, I lean in, pressing my lips against his, sealing a kiss. I work my mouth with his and he reciprocates gently. It feels intimate. My whole body and mind are on overdrive, the sensation like nothing I’ve ever felt before. Working my hands in to his wet hair, I pull him to me, deepening the kiss. He gently moans into my mouth and I can’t help but shiver, the excitement building deep in my stomach. He continues to kiss me gently as we tangle together, my heart beating intensely.

  “I want you so bad,” he mumbles through his kisses.

  “I’m here. Take me. If you want me, I’m yours,” I answer, pulling back to take in his impressive gaze. His eyes are full of heat and passion, but also confusion and pain. He doesn’t say anything, he just draws in his brow.

  “What happened to your parents?” he asks, as if trying to change the subject.

  “You really want to know?” I ask, not sure if he really wants to hear what a shitty upbringing I had. He nods lightly in response.

  “My mom was a junkie,” I say, taking a deep breath before continuing. “Died when I was five or six. Never knew who my dad was,” I admit. “I was in and out of foster homes my whole life, never really connecting or finding the right family.” I throw him a side smile, the pathetic truth of where I came from is enough to make me feel ashamed. “I always vowed I would go it alone, be this strong independent woman, but you know what?”

  “What?” he asks, his eyes glued to mine.

  “I just really wanted to find someone that would give me love and attention like all of my friends had. Sad, I know.” I shrug my shoulders.

  “Not sad,” he mumbles. “I was very lucky.” He nods, his eyes wandering for a second as he stares into space. “My foster parents were great. They really did care for me.”

  I’m surprised. He’s never mentioned parents or foster parents. “I had no idea,” I say, hoping for more. “Do you still see them?”

  “They died in a car accident a few years ago.”

  I drop my head into the crook of his neck. “I’m so sorry,” I mumble.

  “They took me in when I was at my worst, when I had nothing left to live for and then I lost them, too.”

  I look up, his eyes glistening with impending tears. I reach my hand to his face, cupping the side. He leans against it, closing his eyes tightly as a couple of tears fall down his face.

  “They’re the only reason I’m alive. If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be here,” he grates out.

  “Well, I’m glad you are.” I smile, waiting for him to open his eyes. When he finally does, I have to take a deep breath. He stares into my eyes, breathing heavily. His hands reach forward, his thumb tracing my cheek bone. He trembles against my skin. I want him to touch me. I want to be his, and only his. But it’s all so complicated. I don’t even know how I’ll feel when it actually comes to being intimate with someone, with him.

  “Touch me,” I whisper into his ear, desperate to fulfill my growing need. I feel his head moving against mine. I pull back to look at him. He shakes his head, his eyes once again closed.

  “I can’t, Amber. It’s too soon.”

  “You don’t want to? Is that it?” I ask, afraid of his answer.

  “Of course I want you. Fuck, I want you so bad,” he growls, his voice a mixture of annoyance and pain.

  “Well what is it?” I ask, starting to feel embarrassed.

  “I don’t want you to regret me,” he says, his voice and look both somber.

  “Never.” I swallow down hard. “You’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, his lips press against mine, this time needier, more aggressive. My pulse quickens, as does the kiss. Caleb’s hands trace down the side of my torso and I shudder at the intimacy of his touch. Wrapping my legs around him, I link them together to hold myself in place. His hands come to a stop on my waist, and I can’t help but feel disappointed. The heat between us, the need to have him touch me in all the right places is driving me crazy. Yet part of me feels like I shouldn’t feel this way. I was assaulted. Sexually. Yet I can’t help the yearning I have for this man. The man that saved me from god only knows what. Little by little, he’s brought me back to life. Just when I felt like I was going under, in danger of never leaving his room, he was there. Breathing me back to life. Parting from our kiss, his breaths are labored and his gaze is so intense I can barely stand to look at him. I drop my eyes, the intensity too much. He rests his finger under my chin, lifting my head until our eyes are in line again.

  “I want to call you mine. I don’t ever want to lose this feeling,” he whispers, the emotion in his voice mirroring the emotion in his eyes. I’ve never seen anything quite like it.

  “I’m all yours,” I reply with a shudder. Finally saying the words out loud makes it seem all too real.

  “I’ve never done this sort of thing,” he admits, his words coming out as a stutter. “I’ll try my best to be all that you need,” he says sweetly and my heart skips a beat. His eyes widen, waiting for a response.

  “You already are.”

  Caleb

  Amber holds my hand the whole way back home. I can’t help the smile that busts over my face. It’s the first time in my life where I’ve felt truly alive, and fuck, it’s the best feeling in the world. My heart pounds with fervor every time I look at her. She’s a new kind of high I’ve never felt before. Finally, I have a reason to wake up in the morning. I have absolutely no idea what she sees in me, but she sees something. Thinking of the shit I try to forget and leave behind, I realize it’s only a matter of time before she finds out.

  My mind races and my anxiety rises. It’s only a matter of time before this all comes crashing down around me. The whole reason I’d tried to keep away. Why I’d resisted her for so long.

  And failed.

  Here I am, with her by my side.

  I have to enjoy it while I can.

  “You need me to drop you at the café?” I ask, drawing her attention back to me.

  She nods, a small smile appearing. “That’d be great. You can come with me if you like?”

  Her invitation catches me a little off guard. “Oh, uh, I think you two have a lot of catching up to do. I don’t want to intrude.”

  “You wouldn’t be. Honest.” She smiles again, squeezing my hand a little.

  “You need me there?” I ask, drawing my eyebrows together.

  “No, no. I’m sure I’ll be fine,” she reassures. “Just didn’t want you thinking I’m ditching you after what’s been a perfect day.” I can’t help but pull her hand toward my mouth, kissing the back of her hand. Hearing how she’s enjoying the day as much as me is satisfying.

  ***
>
  A few hours later, we arrive outside Espresso Café. Amber releases her seatbelt, turns toward me while leaning in, and kisses my lips.

  “I gotta rush. I already spotted Lily’s car, and I’m a little late,” she says, bending her wrist and looking at the time on her watch.

  “Sure. Just call me and I’ll come get you, okay?”

  “Thank you.” She smiles, quickly kissing me again before getting out and jogging over to the café. She waves back at me as she enters. I lift my hand, giving out a slight wave. Putting the car in reverse, I head out of the parking lot and make the short journey back to the apartment. I know that Josh is either waiting for me or finishing up in Amber’s apartment. Reaching her door first, I push the key into the lock. I walk in to find Josh on a step ladder, hanging pictures on the wall.

  “Oh, thanks for showing up. Better late than never,” he jokes, stepping down and making his way over to me.

  “This looks awesome.” I step back, taking in the pictures he’s had framed that now line the wall of Amber’s apartment.

  “These are awesome fucking pictures, dude. I mean, no joke. These are by far the best I’ve ever seen you draw.” He holds his hand under his chin.

  “What can I say? I felt inspired,” I say, raising my eyebrows subtly.

  “Clearly.” He chuckles. “So what do you think,” he asks, holding out his arms. I scan the room, taking in all of the changes. It’s perfect, and totally transformed from what it was before.

  “She’ll love it. I’m sure,” I say with a nod of my head. The walls have been painted and the furniture redone with a throw and new cushions giving it a different feel. Yeah. I’m pleased.

  “We should totally have a housewarming.” He gasps, as if he’s just made the greatest discovery of all time. I screw up my face, shaking my head.

  “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea, considering.”

  “Hmmmm, I guess you have a point. How does she feel about moving back in?”

  “She knows it’s inevitable. But she’s still dreading it,” I answer honestly. And although I really want to get her life back to some normality, I don’t want to lose her. My bed isn’t going to feel the same without her in it. “Let’s go next door and grab a drink,” I say, pointing over my shoulder to my apartment.