Burn with me

by Rachael Tonks

  I let out a tiny squeal of excitement. “We will need to go to the grocery store,” I add, realizing we probably don’t have enough of anything for the three of us.

  Caleb

  Today’s the first day she’s smiled. Her eyes are still swollen from the amount of tears she’s shed, but still. She looks amazing today and I honestly couldn’t tear my eyes away from her at the studio. The way she’s so at peace with the music. The way her body moves effortlessly as she glides around the studio. I’ve never seen anyone dance like that before. There’s something in the way she moves, the way she dances that is infectious. I want more. I never want her dance to end. I’m glad I was there to capture it all. Her dancing is the inspiration I need.

  “I’m thinking about returning to work in a few days,” she blurts out, as she places the plate full of food in front of me. We’re sitting around my coffee table, using cushions to sit on. Not ideal, but I don’t have a dining table. I’ve never had the need for one.

  “Really?” Josh exclaims. “You ready for that?”

  “I don’t think I’ll ever really be ready, but I have to get on with normal, you know?”

  Josh nods as Amber sits down, crossing her legs in front. “Just don’t rush it,” he advises, his voice laced with concern. “It’s okay to not be okay.” He smiles sadly before digging into the meal she’s prepared for us.

  She takes a deep breath, and one small, stray tear falls slowly from her tear swollen eyes. She sniffles before adjusting her posture, sitting up tall. Reaching over, I swipe the single tear with my thumb before it falls. She takes a hold of my hand, pressing it against her face. My heart is full of sadness for the pain she’s been through. A pain that I can’t erase.

  Lifting her head, I slowly remove my hand from her face. She turns to me, mouthing ‘thank you’ before picking up her fork and twirling her pasta.

  As soon as we clear the plates, Amber excuses herself. Phone in hand, she heads for the bedroom and I’m left wondering what she’s up to. I stand at the sink, washing tonight’s dishes.

  “You think she’s ready to go back to work?” Josh questions, throwing his arm around my shoulders. “I just don’t see it. I mean, she’s been holed up in your bedroom until today. I think it’s too soon.” His voice is a whisper and I totally agree.

  “I think seeing Rose today helped.”

  “How d’ya mean?” he presses further.

  “Well, it put her mind at ease and all that shit,” I huff, trying to dismiss Josh’s inquisitive mind. I feel his gaze on me. I turn, looking at him as I continue washing the dishes.

  “What?” I ask with annoyance. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

  “Don’t think I haven’t noticed…” his words trail off.

  “Noticed what?” I ask, pulling my hands from the water, shaking off the excess.

  “How you’ve changed.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous.” I shake my head.

  “I’m right. I see it right here, right now. When would you have ever had someone in your apartment? You hardly ever want me here and we’ve known each other for a long time. I see how good she is for you. Little by little, she’s bringing you out of your shell.”

  I stand there for what feels like the longest time, willing my brain to give me something to say. But it doesn’t.

  “You can stare blankly all you like,” he remarks. “But the truth is this – she may think you saved her from Ryan, but I see how she’s saving you. Every day, slowly but surely, she’s resurrecting the real you. And it’s good,” he says with an upbeat tone.

  “You’re wrong,” I answer. “I’m me. Just me,” I say, exhaling loudly, drying my hands on the kitchen towel.

  “Sure you are, but maybe she brings out another side. A lighter, less gloomy side,” he teases.

  I throw the towel at him, walking away to find Amber.

  Knocking lightly on the door, I push it open slowly, peering through the narrow gap. “Okay?” I ask, looking at her sitting on the bed, clutching her phone.

  “I’m good,” she says, her weak, sad smile telling another story.

  “Sure? I ask. Narrowing my eyes, I focus on the cell phone she clutches in her hand as I take a small step into the room.

  “I just spoke to my boss at the café.” She smiles sweetly. “I’m going to start back next week. I really can’t afford any more time off.” She sighs. “I have tuition fees to pay, and besides, I should try and get back to some kind of normal. Today’s the first time in over three weeks I haven’t felt numb. Thank you for that.” She stands up, walking to me. Taking my hand in hers, she pulls me further into the bedroom. Leaning on the tips of her toes, she squeezes my hand a little harder until my eyes are fixed on hers. Once our eyes meet, she closes hers, her face moving until we are touching. I’m taken back when I feel her soft lips on mine. I wasn’t expecting it, but I don’t resist either. It’s different than our last kiss. Not frantic or messy, but soft and sensual. A little part of me melts as I reciprocate, deepening the kiss. I work my arms around her torso, encapsulating her until her body is pressing firmly against mine. Her tongue works into my mouth, not too much, but just enough to stir my dick. The feeling is like nothing I’ve ever felt before as I continue to explore her mouth, tasting and savoring the moment. Small moans escape from her as our kiss becomes more intense and I realize I will never get enough of this feeling. She slows down the kiss. Pulling her head away, she rests it in the crook of my neck. My hearts beats at double speed and I’m desperately hoping she can’t feel the pounding as she rests against my chest. Working her hands until they come to a stop at the exact spot where the damn thing is pounding, she lifts her head up, her eyes meeting mine.

  “So you do feel it, too?” Her eyes question just as much as her words do. I swallow down hard, nodding my head so it’s barely noticeable. She takes my hand, pressing it against her own chest. I feel the thud of her heart as it beats frantically.

  “I feel alive for the second time today.” She smiles. “And both times it’s been thanks to you.” I don’t get time to respond, to say anything meaningful, because we are disturbed by the raucous shouting from just outside the room. Amber separates from me, stepping back a little. I turn to open the door, and Josh stands just outside, leaning against the wall.

  “Forget about me, did you?” He looks at me, before looking over my shoulder at Amber. “Is there something going on here that I should know about? Because right about now, I feel like the third wheel,” he jokes. My face drops and I narrow my eyes at him.

  “Nothing for you to worry about.” I walk toward him, patting him heavily on the arm as I make my way past and back into the room.

  Amber

  I lay in bed, staring at my phone. I’m desperate to know if Lily, who I’ve not heard from since she left my apartment, has heard the news about Ryan. It’s one thing having to live with what has happened, but another having to prove to my only friend I wasn’t making the whole thing up. I miss her, I really do. The one constant figure in my life and I can’t just give up on that, despite all the hurt she has caused. I want more than anything to right the problems between us. I can’t just forget and move on from what she said, but I’m willing to leave it in the past, hoping we can rekindle our friendship. Not speaking to her is like trying to walk without a left leg. Not impossible, but not easy either. I slide up, resting my back against the headboard. My mind is made up. Before I know it, I’ve clicked on her name in my phone and am holding it against my ear.

  “Hi, Am,” she answers, her voice quiet and cautious.

  “Hey,” I answer, not quite knowing what to say next.

  “So, how have you been?” she asks, sighing a little. “Shit. Dumb question, huh?”

  “Hmm,” I hum in agreement. “I’ve been a lot better today,” I say honestly. “I’ve been down to the studio. Let off some steam.”

  “Oh really, Am, that’s great. Good to see you getting out of the apartment.”

  “It was
good. I didn’t go alone. Caleb came with me. I’m not sure what I would’ve done without him these last couple of weeks.”

  I hear the muffle as she exhales loudly down the receiver. “I feel so bad I haven’t been there for you. It’s just after the last time I saw you, I wasn’t sure you’d want to see me again. At least anytime soon. I acted like a complete bitch. I’m so sorry,” she says solemnly. “But,” she continues, “I think you should be careful around a guy you know absolutely nothing about. A guy that refuses to tell you anything about himself, or his past.”

  I nod my head, somewhat agreeing with her comments. “I know what you say makes complete sense, but I can’t help the way I feel about him. Despite knowing very little. I have to get him to open up.” I sigh. Because truly I want to know more. “I’ve missed you so much,” I say, trying to fight back the onset of tears. “You are my only friend, Lily.” I sob, no longer able to fight back my emotions. “I never expected you not to believe me.”

  “I did. I do,” she squawks. “I was just caught in the middle of two people telling me two different things. And yes, I should have never doubted you. Believe me, it’s eaten away at me since the day I heard he admitted it to his sister.”

  “What! Wait. You knew? And you didn’t call me?” I ask, shocked that she knew and didn’t try to make amends sooner.

  “I tried calling, but your cell was off. It kept going to voicemail. I didn’t come around because I didn’t want to upset you. I wasn’t even sure that you’d want to see me,” she rushes out. I have no choice but to accept her reasons, but know in my heart of hearts she could have tried harder. I can’t help but feel hurt and more than a little disappointed.

  “Yeah, my cell’s mostly been switched off,” I admit. “But you could have text. At least that way I would’ve known you were trying to get in touch.”

  “I should have done a lot of things different,” she admits. “We should totally meet up. I have a lot of making up to do. I really want to see you.”

  “Listen,” I exhale heavily, “I have to go and speak to Corrine at the café about picking up some shifts. I could meet you there tomorrow after you finish at school?”

  “I’ll be there,” she replies instantaneously.

  “Great. See you then,” I confirm, ending the call. I feel like another weight has been lifted from my heavy shoulders. Today has been the best day I’ve had in a long time. I push the cell phone onto the nightstand, lowering myself down in bed.

  I jump a little at the feel of an arm wrapping around my waist. I check over my shoulder and I’m greeted by a face full of Caleb’s brown hair. His body presses against mine, as he’s done numerous times before, when he held me as I sobbed, comforted me when I most needed it. But, somehow, this is different. It feels as though my body is molded to his. I lay there, the feeling of him against me is the best thing I’ve felt in a long time. The feelings that overcome me place a lump in my throat. I clear the thickness, trying to not let my emotions get the best of me. There are so many unanswered questions I need answers to. My feelings for him multiply by the day. The only problem I have is not knowing who he is.

  “Tell me about your scars,” I whisper my plea, stroking the hand that covers mine.

  “I was in a fire,” he answers immediately. I’m a little shocked at how forthcoming he is being. “I was in a building when it caught fire. As I tried to escape, the roof gave way and it knocked me to the ground. The burning debris set my shirt on fire. That’s how I got my scars.” The pain in his voice is raw and I know how difficult this is for him.

  Turning to face him, I place a hand on either side of his face, slowly pulling him toward me, placing a kiss to his cheek.

  “Thank you for telling me.” I kiss him again. “I can see it’s not easy for you to open up.”

  “I want to,” he says breathlessly. “I really want to give you all of me. But I can’t. The ugly truth of who I am will scare you away.” He sighs heavily, his chest rising and falling. “I’m not ready to lose you yet.” His hands wander from my back until his fingers run through my hair, pulling my mouth toward his.

  My heart accelerates, anticipating his touch. I let my eyes fall shut, the darkness of the room already restricting my vision. I can’t see his face, or his expression, but I can feel the way his heart beats and I know he wants this just as much as I do. I lean in, the heat of his lips a guide. The feel of them is intoxicating. I want more, so I deepen the kiss, our breaths mingling as one. My heart flutters. The feeling of kissing this man is exquisite. It’s slow and intimate, our tongues working as we explore each other’s mouths. His hands work in my hair and my hands rest on his face. Our kiss comes to a natural end and I rest my head in the crook of his neck. I’m content tonight and for once, I’m thinking of something other than what happened to me. I’m thinking about how he makes me feel, how he’s opened up, and for tonight, that’s enough.

  Caleb

  I don’t know what I was thinking when I told Amber about my scars. I’d been caught up in the moment, my desires for her overtaking all of my senses. But one thing I know is she will never understand the rest. How can I expect her to want me when I hate myself for what I’ve done?

  For now, I’ll keep those secrets close to my chest. Eventually, I’ll lose her, but for now, I want her in my life. I’m starting to feel things I’ve never felt before. I see things I thought I’d never see, and as much as that scares me, it uplifts me too.

  I feel myself falling for her. And although I know it’s inevitable, I don’t want to lose her.

  I can’t lose her.

  Not just yet.

  I vowed that I would hide from the world, never to inflict me or my past on anyone. But she found me. And now I’m in too deep to ever turn back.

  I roll over, realizing Amber is no longer beside me. I throw back the sheet, hopping out of the bed, making my way to the living room. My body is stiff and I stretch. I’m not used to sharing my bed. It’s not something I’ve done before, but I’m not complaining. Amber stands in the kitchen, cooking. Right then, the delicious smell of food hits me. I lean against the wall, watching her as she hums the tune of a song, dancing around the kitchen like she doesn’t have a care in the world.

  I clear my throat in an attempt to catch her attention. She jumps, turning quickly to face me. Tilting her head to the side, she smiles but rolls her eyes.

  “Morning, you,” she sweetly yells. I make my way over to her, getting comfortable on one of the bar stools. “I’m cooking eggs, you want some?” she asks, turning to face me. I nod and smile, my heart picking up its pace. I don’t know how I ever managed to fight this before. The way she makes me feel, the way my body reacts to her is like nothing I’ve ever known.

  I feel her eyes burning into me. I look up, snapping myself from my daze and nod in accept.

  “Good.” She smiles, plating some up in front of me.

  “You didn’t have to do this, you know,” I say, raking my hand through my wild hair, moving the loose strands out of my face.

  “Okay. I’ll take it back.” She pulls on the plate, teasingly. Her eyes are wide and her tongue pushes against the side of her mouth. I swear to god it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

  “Uh, I didn’t say I didn’t want it, just that you don’t have to cook for me.”

  “Believe me, I was cooking for myself. There just happens to be some to spare.”

  “Sure.” I smirk, pulling the plate back toward me. “So I have plans for us this morning,” I inform her, taking the fork and shoveling in a big mouthful of the eggs.

  “Really?” she asks, her tone inquisitive. “What are these plans?” she presses further, focusing her narrowed eyes on me.

  I shake my head. “I’m not telling.” I take another fork full of eggs, shoving them in my mouth with a smirk. I can see the excitement on her face, and I know today will be great.

  “Well, you can’t say you’re taking a girl somewhere and not tell her what she needs to wear.”
She purses her lips together tightly, and I watch as she walks around the breakfast bar, taking the seat next to me. “So spill,” she says, nudging my arm.

  “You could wear a paper bag and it wouldn’t bother me,” I mumble.

  She leans in and whispers, “I’m sure there’s a compliment in there somewhere. So is this like a date then?” she asks, her nerves affecting her voice.

  I instantly feel the heat rise in my cheeks. “I wouldn’t know.” I sigh. “I’ve never been on a date.”

  I lift my eyes to meet hers, a small smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.

  “I can be your first,” she says quietly. For the first time since I met her, I could swear she’s nervous.

  “You already are,” I reply, reaching and taking her hand in mine. “In so many ways and you’ll never even know.”

  “Tell me,” she pleads.

  I shake my head, deepening my frown. “Let’s just enjoy today. I don’t want anything to spoil it,” I mumble, finishing my breakfast before pushing back on the stool. “I’m going to get ready.” I walk into the bedroom, my frustration getting the better of me. So many questions. So many things I can’t answer. I can’t be that guy, despite my efforts. I reach back, rubbing my neck, trying to alleviate the tension. I’m not going to let my inner self spoil today. This is about Amber. Not me. Taking the neck of my shirt, I pull it over my head and throw it on the bed. I almost jump out of my skin when I feel her arms wrap around my waist. Her head rests against my back. My scars against her skin. I wince, knowing she’s touching one of the many reminders of my life before. My life in hell.

  She places a delicate kiss on my back. I shudder, the feeling so bitter sweet.

  Her voice is barely a whisper as she speaks, “Let me help heal your scars.”

  My head drops, as I shake it slowly. My eyes are shut so tight my face scrunches.

  “Please,” she continues. “I know I can help you. You deserve to be happy.”