Dissipate

by Kristin Mayer

  I nearly sobbed into his chest. “Matthew, I’ve missed you.”

  Matthew relaxed as he got used to the contact. “I’ve missed you, too. I hate that we haven’t been able to talk lately.”

  Not ready to lose the connection, but knowing we had to separate before someone caught us, I took a step back. The compulsion to tell him everything, as I looked into his blue eyes, was strong. Opening my mouth to speak, I closed it for a second. By telling him, I might be putting him at risk. Confusion on how to best proceed laid heavy in my gut.

  “What’s wrong, Sarah? You look like you have something on your mind.” Matthew’s eyes darted back and forth, watching me.

  Sarah. How would I even explain my name was Kenzie when I didn’t know the answer myself? I swallowed the truth. “I feel lost, but I’ll get through it.”

  “I know tomorrow is the cleansing day, but can we meet in the woods before it all starts? I have something I want to talk to you about.” Matthew looked nervous as he waited for my answer.

  Another twig snapped and we both took another step back, further separating us and the anxiety of potentially being caught heightened. “I’ll find a way to meet in our spot before breakfast.”

  “I have to go, Sarah. Sweet dreams until tomorrow.”

  “Sweet dreams until tomorrow.” The phrase was something special between us. We always said to each other when we said good-bye.

  Another crack in the branches had our nerves on edge. We were definitely on borrowed time.

  He mouthed, I have to go.

  I nodded. As my best friend walked away, I leaned against the tree trunk. What did he have to talk to me about? Maybe he wanted to go to the Light to see about marriage now that I was alone. I wasn’t sure how I felt about marriage right now.

  After ten minutes passed, only the forest sounds surrounded me. I casually moseyed out into the backyard. Mom and I had a garden out back. As long as anyone didn’t see me coming out of the trees, they would assume I was making sure all was okay before heading in for the night. My eyes casted down slightly as they darted back and forth, making sure I was still alone. The fabric of my apron provided a good distraction for my fingers and nervous energy.

  I let out a small breath of relief as I made it to the chicken wire that surrounded our garden. The heat of the August sun had nearly withered it gone. Mom and I had been trying to keep it watered, but we were to be sparing with the use of water. The rain today was already causing it to perk back to life. The garden was about ten feet long and had four rows. All families were expected to grow food and contribute to the common wealth of our community.

  For my normal nightly routine, I walked the perimeter of the chicken wire to make sure the fence was intact. Working in the garden was a pastime Mom and I both enjoyed.

  A lone tear fell down my face as I remembered the quiet laughs we had in here. To outright express an enormous amount of emotion was to waste the burning light within us. All things were to be done in moderation. I had to constantly remind myself of that.

  Had those moments in the garden been a glimpse of my mom before this place? Is that why she broke so many rules like continuing to educate me in secret?

  The rain drizzled. I turned to head into the house I had known as home for as long as I could remember. The black door was in pristine order, like all other doors in The Society. Every house was white with black doors. The Keeper had said the houses were to be white to keep our community pure from the color that threatened to taint us like the rest of the world. The black represented the sin that tried to get in and ruin our way of life. Lies. All of it had been lies.

  I stepped inside and closed the door, removing my bonnet and hanging it on the hanger, thankful that no one would be by tonight. Looking at myself in the mirror, which every house in The Society had to ensure one was presentable before going outside, I looked haggard. My green eyes were dulled and hollowed.

  All I wanted to do was throw the mirror and shatter it like my heart felt.

  I pushed my damp, light-red hair off my face and leaned against the door, turning away from the haunting reflection that stared back at me. My eyes closed shut for a moment as I centered myself and took a deep breath.

  If I chose to look at the letter my mom left, my life would be altered more than it currently was. If I didn’t, I would be wed to John tomorrow and treated as nothing more than a baby maker. When the time was right, I had hoped The Light would grant Matthew and me permission to marry. He was the only person who got me—or the me that I had let him see so far. But if that was what Matthew wanted to talk about tomorrow, was it the right time?

  My head throbbed. The one thing I wanted, I couldn’t have—to crawl in bed with my mom while I asked her endless questions about what I should do. It was against the Keeper’s command to waste time thinking on anything that wasn’t productive. All thoughts were to be used for betterment of The Society. That was hard for me as I constantly desired to learn more.

  I thought back on the last minutes with my mom.

  Candles were lit on every surface, letting The Light know my mom neared the end. It was a haunting site. The Keeper’s raspy voice broke the silence. “Anita, your light has shown bright and will live on in Sarah. You will continue to burn bright in the light hereafter.”

  My mom closed her eyes in acknowledgment. Speech had stopped hours ago as it exhausted her.

  A week ago, she started not feeling well. We tried all of the herbal remedies, but she never got better. It was a mysterious disease that took one to two people every year from our group. The sickness started as an extreme headache and quickly turned to excessive vomiting.

  Now, not seven days later, she lay in her bed dying and my world was falling apart.

  The Keeper laid his hand on top of Mom’s and looked at me. His steel-colored beady eyes made me feel queasy. “Sarah, we shall give you a few minutes alone with your mom as time is coming. We shall all be downstairs.” A tear seeped from my mom’s eye. She appeared as scared as I felt. How was I going to survive here without her? As soon as we were left alone, I lunged toward my mom’s bed as I allowed the fear of the situation to take root in my mind.

  “Mom, please don’t leave me. I can’t bear to think of a world that you’re not in. You’re my everything,” I sobbed.

  My mom’s hand shook as it came to my face. Her fingernails had become dry, cracked and discolored. The herbalist said it was from lack of nutrition since my mom couldn’t keep anything down. I leaned into the touch before she had to drop her hand while I tried to memorize what it felt like to be near her—warm and loving.

  She softly spoke, “Sarah, I should have told you sooner, but we haven’t been alone since I got sick. The truth is in an envelope in the bottom of the locked chest in the attic. The key is hidden underneath your nightstand. There’s not much time.”

  I became desperate. “Mom, please don’t go.” A sob erupted. “Please. Please.”

  Her eyes closed. “Shh . . . sweetheart. I thought I had more time to prepare. You’re not going to understand what I’m about to say, but it’s the truth. Your real name is Kenzie Brooks. If you want a choice and a say in your life, read the letter. Your inquisitive mind belongs in the world.”

  My heart raced frantically. Kenzie Brooks. I’m Sarah. The world. Choice. Life. Those words were jumbled in my head as my mom’s breathing became more labored. My breathing increased while panic took over. “Mom, please. I don’t know what you’re saying. I don’t understand.”

  We spoke in hushed whispers. “Kenzie, I love you. You are the light in my world. I’m so sorry for the choices I made, but know that I have loved you with my entire heart. Never doubt that.”

  Mom stopped and took a few breaths. These were moments I was supposed to treasure, not be told secrets that would change my life more than it was. I wanted to argue with her, but she didn’t have much time. Her hand got colder. These were the last moments I would ever have with my mom. I wasn’t prepared to be left alone.
I wasn’t strong enough to survive without her.

  She continued, her voice growing weaker. “Regardless of what you think of my decision, know that I loved you. I tried to do what was best for you.”

  Closing her eyes for a moment, they fluttered open as I spoke, “I love you, Mom. I will love you regardless of what the letter says. Know that. Always know that I’ll never stop loving you.”

  “You’re so strong, my sweet Kenzie.” Mom’s eyes fully closed. A few more breaths followed, then she exhaled her last breath.

  She was gone. Forever.

  The room seemed dimmer without her in it. I crawled up in bed with Mom and sobbed as I held onto her. My body racked with uncontrolled sadness as I lost the only thing I cared about in this world.

  She was gone. I was alone. Those two words echoed in my head—gone and alone.

  I pushed off the door and decided I was ready to read the letter. Taking off the muddy boots, my footsteps carried me through the kitchen.

  Everything in our two-bedroom home was simplistic and white. No decorations hung on the walls.

  I raced to the top of the stairs as I jumped over the fourth step, avoiding the squeak. At the top, I turned right trying to avoid eye contact with my mom’s bedroom door. She had been alive in there twenty-four hours ago. My heart lurched as it imagined her behind it, waiting for me to come talk to her like I did every night.

  The thud of my heart pulsed in my ears, creating a humming sound that felt like it disconnected me from the outside world. Looking around my simplistic room everything seemed emptier with my mom gone. I jogged to my twin bed, along the far wall and perched on the edge as I eyed the spindle nightstand. My stomach churned with unease as I wondered what the letter said.

  I took off the lamp and sat it on the floor. Staring at the nightstand, I knew once I turned it over there was no going back, no pretending that my mom had been mistaken in what she had told me. This would become my reality and I was going to have to make a choice. A slight tremor started in my fingers.

  The grained wood felt ridged as I ran my fingers over it. Taking a deep breath, I flipped over the nightstand. It didn’t weigh much, but it felt like it was one of the most significant steps I had taken in my life. On the underside, I saw the key affixed to the table that unlocked the trunk. Picking it up, I looked at the old iron ornate key.

  I retraced my steps back out to the landing. Between Mom’s and my room were the steps that came down from the attic. I was tall but was still barely able to reach the string that pulled the ladder from the ceiling. A small creak sounded as the steps unfolded. As soon as they hit the floor, I scurried up the ladder.

  Curiosity and fear of the unknown were driving me. The attic had a faint smell from the heat of the day.

  In the far right corner sat the chest. Apprehensively, I walked toward it. My mom had told me a story about Alice in Wonderland. I felt like Alice going down a black hole. As I crouched in front of the chest, a crow came and perched on the ledge of the tiny octagonal window.

  Caw.

  Caw.

  Caw.

  The sound startled me like the bird was trying to tell on me as I fell back on my rear. The bird pecked twice at the window before flying off.

  My erratic breathing quickened as my shaking hands put the key in the lock and turned it. The attic always gave me nightmares with the looming shadows that seemed to come out of nowhere.

  Getting up on my knees, I opened the chest as it creaked in protest. On top was the quilt my mom had made for my wedding day. My hands traced over the stitching, memorizing the pattern. I took it out and put it aside. Underneath were more blankets and the dress I was to wear at my wedding. Each mom who had a daughter made a dress and quilt when they turned sixteen. They were not to see them until the day of the wedding where they were given over to a Watcher in holy matrimony. Males were not allowed to marry until they became Watchers.

  In theory, a couple approached the Keeper to ask The Light if they had permission to marry. Scoffing, I wondered what had been truly visions or was everything a manipulation.

  There was a black backpack I had never seen before at the bottom of the cedar lined trunk. I picked it up and sat cross legged on the floor. In the front zipper, there was an envelope with my name on it.

  It was my mom’s handwriting. I caressed the words with love as the sun lowered in the sky. The last of the light shone through as I opened the envelope and a small key fell out. I read.

  My dearest Kenzie (Sarah),

  If you are reading this, it means I am no longer with you. I’m sorry I left you alone and that you’re possibly confused right now. Time is limited as I can’t get caught writing this letter before someone comes to check on me. I’m too weak now to make it to the doctor in the outside world for the proper medication, whatever it may be.

  Sarah, your real name is Kenzie Samantha Brooks. My real name is Jessica Brooks. Your father’s name was David Brooks. We came to The Society when you were almost three, after your father had died in a motorcycle accident. My world was lost. I had no family, no way to support us, no hope left for survival. One day, we were at a park in a nearby town. The Keeper approached me and called himself Jacob. I’m sure I looked lost and lonely.

  I don’t have time to explain how we came to The Society, but there’s another letter at the address listed at the end of this note that explains everything.

  When we came here, I told the Keeper your real name was Maggie. I’m not sure why I lied, but it was a good decision. At The Society we were isolated, had a home, no bills, and were able to be together. You and I were left alone and it was the closest thing to feeling complete I could imagine.

  As years passed, I began to see that those who completely succumbed to the ways of The Society were lifeless and hollow. They lacked that spark. I feared that would happen to you. The moment you appeared lost or a vision came for you to be married, we were going to leave. There was no way I would ever ask you to marry someone that you didn’t love as much as I loved your dad. I know you think you and Matthew are supposed to be together because of what The Keeper said. All I ask is that you search your heart, Kenzie. Make sure it’s not because it’s expected for you to marry him.

  Kenzie, you have a gift for life, and a beautiful inquisitive mind. Don’t let that flame become an ember and die out. Don’t let it be snuffed and the vibrant Kenzie I have always known become smoke within the wind dissipating into nothing.

  My only regret is that I didn’t get you out of here before I died.

  Kenzie, I only gave about twenty-five percent of what I had to The Society. Everything else, I put in a safety deposit box along with more things from your father and me. The choice is yours Kenzie. The key in the envelope goes to the safety deposit box at the bank address listed below. Your birth certificate is at the bottom of this backpack and will be enough to get you into the security box. I was able to sneak the money and the certificate in when we initially came here. It’s been underneath the boards of one of the steps.

  When you get to Arkansas, go to the bank, then find a library. They’re an amazing wealth of knowledge and will be able to get yourself more up to speed of current events. Your inquisitive mind will help you adapt quickly.

  Check out colleges, I think you would enjoy it with your enthusiasm for knowledge. If you decide to give college a try, tell them you were homeschooled and need a placement test. Being a teacher, hopefully I prepared you enough. The one thing you’ll be lacking in is technology since our lessons never included it.

  Whether you choose to stay or run, burn this letter. They can never know you found it and know the truth. This letter will make you an outcast forever, eliminating your freedoms. You know too much about The Society for them to let you go. Do you remember Rebecca Donovan, our neighbor from ten years ago? After her husband died, she wanted to leave and experience the outside world. She met with the Keeper to let him know. Only I knew about her talk with him. After the meeting, Rebecca died withi
n a week.

  I always wondered if that truly was a coincidence.

  If you choose to leave. Make sure you lock this chest, put the key in my dresser and take the backpack with you. Put the house together just as it would be. Leave a note that says you cannot live here without me and have to join me in the light. They need to think you’re gone, Kenzie. They won’t want you out there, knowing about The Society.

  As soon as you get in the woods, change into the jeans and T-shirt that are in this backpack. They will probably be a little big, but they will work until you can get more. The nearest bus station is a three-hour walk to the northwest. Use the stars like they taught you in class. Get rid of your clothes as soon as you can.

  Leave no trace. Tell no one.

  Get a bus ticket to Fayetteville, Arkansas where the bank is,Stacy using the money in the backpack. After that, go on an adventure. I have no connections in Arkansas so you should be safe there if you decide to stay.

  The choice is yours. Live your life.

  Don’t stay out of fear or the need to be near our home. Kenzie, I‘ll be with you wherever you go. The world is a big beautiful place despite what you’ve been taught. Embrace it.

  The things I showed you in secret and asked you to never tell anyone—dancing, painting, birthday parties, and stories—are from the outside world. If you decide to leave, you’re going to be frightened, but you’re strong enough, sweetheart.

  I know you have more questions than I’ve given you answers to. You may never get all the answers you seek and I’m sorry for that. If I had the time to write everything out, I would have. But, I know you’ll adapt and be fine.

  Remember, do what your heart tells you, not your mind.

  I hope you know, even though my actions don’t necessarily make sense, that I love you with my entire heart. You and your father were my everything. Live your life Kenzie. Make your choices.

  Be Free.

  I love you forever and always.

  Mom