Dissipate

by Kristin Mayer

  First National Bank

  Box # 158

  College Avenue

  Fayetteville, Arkansas

  As I finished reading, my breaths were coming in and out nearly ragged as I tried to process everything quickly. There wasn’t much time to decide.

  The sun was almost gone and the routine of burning the candle at my bedroom window came to the forefront of my mind. We were to light a candle that burned anywhere for two to ten hours every night until the flame died out. It signified that our time here on Earth was limited and to always focus on the flame burning as you never knew when it could vanish. I raced down the ladder, abandoning my letter on the floor. I made it to the drawer and calmly put the candle in the window and lit it solemnly like I did every night. One of the Watchers would walk down the street, making sure everyone had their candles out. I stood there like I always did and watched the flame dance for a couple of minutes, imagining two figures dancing. One evening, as the last of the sun’s rays came through the attic window, mom showed me how to dance in the attic. I treasured those memories.

  I took a step back and drew the window sheer down a safe distance from the flame. Turning away, I walked toward my bed. If someone was watching, they’d assume I was exhausted, which I was, and turning in from my day of grieving.

  My mom is gone.

  Every time I thought about it, my heart shattered a million times more. Now, I had the weight of the truth bearing down on me. I still wasn’t sure if I fully comprehended the consequence of what my decision would entail. The unknown scared me. I was running out of time to decide.

  Did I stay or go?

  Did I choose to be free or confined?

  Did I leave the only place I knew as home?

  I SAT ON my bed and stared at the turned over night table. Ironically, at the moment, my life felt turned upside down. Without thinking, I put the nightstand and lamp back in its original place.

  Before the sun totally set, there was one thing I wanted to hold as I thought everything through—my mom’s necklace she had hidden underneath the mattress. When we would talk at night, she would let me wear it. It had two hearts intertwined with each other on a silver chain. Something told me it was from my dad and I needed it with me.

  The sound of my footsteps were soft as I crept across the house and into my mom’s bedroom. My nostrils immediately could smell her. Silent tears fell down my face as I thought about all our happy memories here. She had given me a life of happiness behind closed doors but I never realized how trapped we had been until the veil had been removed. I knew if I stayed here, I would be suffocated and my flame would go out of me like the candle sitting in my windowsill.

  I was leaving.

  I was choosing to be free.

  I was leaving the only home I had ever known.

  Taking a steadying breath of courage, I repeated, “I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.”

  The small black jewelry box was where I had expected it to be. My hands clutched it like a lifeline, keeping me breathing. Securing the necklace around my neck, I felt calmer.

  On shaky legs, I climbed the attic steps and put the letter in the backpack. Taking one last look at my blanket and wedding gown, I placed them in the chest before I locked it. Leaving the quilt my mom had made, killed me. We weren’t allowed much, but I wanted everything I could keep from my mom. Another fissure formed as I closed the attic, leaving those few precious mementos behind.

  Before heading to my room to leave the note, I left the key in the right drawer of her dresser. The familiar creaks of the house settling for the night caused me to pause as I took a brief second to squelch the rising fear. Walking back across the hall to my room, I grabbed a piece of paper from the desk and scribbled out a note like my mom had told me to.

  Leaving the note on the desk, I took the backpack and headed downstairs. My white apron seemed like a beacon as the moonlight shined in a window. I removed it and stuffed it in my bag, remembering my mom’s words to take my clothes with me. There was a place in our living room where I could stand and see the street, but they couldn’t see me.

  As I stood there, a man in black pants and a white shirt strolled down the sidewalk. It was one of the Watchers checking the candles. He stopped in front of my house and stared. It was John. My heart galloped as he watched my window and my stomach roiled at the thought of becoming his wife. The moment I became unified with him, I would have felt dead inside.

  Matthew walked up behind him and my heart stopped. Matthew. He would think I died and I would never know what he wanted to tell me. The harsh reality was a jagged pill to swallow. If only there was a way to tell him and not jeopardize his safety. My mom’s warning about Rebecca Donavan reminded me that I couldn’t risk his life like this.

  There was a deep scowl on his face as he talked to John. It was a force of sheer will to keep me planted where I was. I wanted nothing more than to run to Matthew—to tell him I was leaving and ask him to come with me. Leaving my best friend behind was going to be hard. But, I would lose Matthew regardless if I stayed. Being forced to marry John would mean Matthew would marry someone else. My heart wouldn’t be able to handle that pain.

  After some time, John moved on. Matthew stood and looked at my window. Taking the opportunity, I stared and tried to memorize everything about him. His broad defined shoulders showed he spent days in the fields. The way his eyes lingered on my window thoughtfully, emanated his gentle nature. Finally, he turned the opposite way and strode off. The only sound was the quick breaths leaving my body.

  I’d never see him again.

  The streets were now abandoned. Wanting to make sure that everyone was asleep when I snuck off in the dead of night, I continued to watch everything carefully. A few hours passed and I hadn’t seen a soul. The candles in the house across the street had gone out about an hour ago.

  “It’s time,” I said in a low whisper.

  I looked around the house one last time, taking in everything about it—the blue couch that mom and I curled up on as we laughed and the white kitchen table where I had additional lessons. I was leaving the only home I’d known. The place that had filled my memories since I could remember. It wasn’t much, but as my mom had said, it had been ours. There had been wonderful years together here and we had been happy in our own way. I had known love.

  Holding the backpack in front of me, I made my way to the back door. I touched the door handle, but then decided to turn one last time to look at my home.

  Just above a whisper I spoke, “Thank you, Mom, for loving me. Regardless, I know you loved me. I’ll always love you. I’m scared beyond belief, but I know I’ll be okay.”

  Taking another deep breath, I opened the door and took my first step into the unknown.

  This was my way to freedom.

  This was my journey.

  This was my story—fresh pages to be written by me.

  GLANCING UP AT the stars, I confirmed I was still walking northwest. My legs were tired and I was emotionally exhausted. There were so many unanswered questions and I wondered why I hadn’t questioned what seemed so obvious about The Society.

  Teachings from The Light told us that a world outside The Society did exist, but it was dark with sin. The Keeper, John, and a few other chosen Watchers were the ones who dealt with the outside world after they underwent special training, so as to not succumb to the wicked ways. There were now obvious gaps in the whole setup, but we had followed like sheep.

  My insides finally stopped shaking from the adrenaline that surged within me.

  Crack.

  Finding a nearby tree, I stood there quietly listening to see if anyone was nearby. Distant rustling began to fade. An exhale left my body for a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding.

  “Keep it together, Kenzie. You can do this. Keep going.”

  Talking to myself seemed to lessen the loneliness I felt. The wind blew in a slight breeze giving relief to the humid heat. The air smelled of earth from the rai
n and crickets sang a night melody. I was thankful that a full moon was out tonight to guide my way. The stars shown bright as I kept walking. A few limbs had scraped my face, but otherwise the trip had been easy so far.

  Lights became prevalent through the tree line. What sounded like multiple vehicles drove on a nearby road. The only car I had ever seen was the Keeper’s. A vision had told the Keeper a long time ago it was okay to have a vehicle in order to communicate with the Dark World in order to keep our treaty pacts intact. No one from the outside world was allowed to cross over our borders without permission.

  Even though we were a separate Society from the outside world, there were still things we had to do in order to keep the peace. All the lies I had been fed my entire life had me wanting to scream and hit something—hard.

  Why had my mom not told me? She had trusted me with so many secrets as she broke the rules. If I had known, I could have gotten her out of there before she got too sick. Unwanted anger bubbled to the surface. Instead of letting my mind take a negative turn, I focused on the lights that were ahead. Bottom line, I was in a predicament and was going to have to stay mentally sharp to survive this path I had chosen.

  As I neared the tree line, I stopped to change out of my clothes. I put on the pants and shirt that were made of a different fabric than what we had at The Society. The pants were blue and made of a rougher material. As I pulled it along my legs, it scratched my skin. The shirt didn’t have full sleeves and was a softer material caressing my skin like flower petals. I was doing it. I was making my way. The note had called them jeans and a T-shirt. I noticed there was a second shirt in the backpack also. A slight smile graced my lips as I looked at the change I’d already undergone.

  Money was in a clear bag which I made sure was secure in the front zipper pocket along with the birth certificate and the letter from my mom. Not wanting anyone to see my old dress, I stuffed it in the bottom of the bag before cinching it up tight.

  Technically, I was still close to The Society and needed to make sure I didn’t look the part in case the Keeper came looking. I wasn’t sure how much he interacted with the outside world.

  Wisps of hair came down in my face and I decided to change my hairstyle. Exchanging my bun hairdo for a pony tail, I tried to finger comb through the mess the rain had caused earlier.

  This was it. This was the moment I joined the other world.

  Taking a deep fortifying breath, I emerged from the safety of the trees. The first thing I needed to do was get on a bus to Fayetteville, Arkansas. I wasn’t sure what town I was currently in. To the right was a building that had a neon sign. A vacancy sign flickered on and off under the name of the place.

  Outside the door at the front of the building, a man stood while puffing on something. I think he was smoking what they called cigarettes.

  My mom told me a lot about the outside world during my secretive tutor sessions. Girls were no longer educated after the age of sixteen in The Society. Mom had told me she had been taught in secret and wanted to do the same for me. Lie. I couldn’t think about all that right now. Instead, I needed to focus on my task at hand—find the bus station and get to Arkansas.

  Pushing my shoulders back, I confidently approached the man. “Hi, I was looking for the bus station. Would you mind pointing me in the right direction?”

  He inhaled deep as he looked at me. My heart raced a little faster. He exhaled and a foul-smelling smoke left his mouth. I refrained from coughing as he asked in a gravelly voice, “Where are you from?”

  I had to think quickly. This place was close to The Society. I was heading south, but on the off chance, I’d say I was going north. “Alabama. I’m on my way north to Montana. I was going to check out the bus schedule before getting a room.”

  I hoped that the vacancy sign meant that there were rooms available here and I wasn’t making a fool out of myself.

  He threw the cigarette down, stomped it with the toe of his shoe, and raised his hand to the right. I had to refrain from picking it up. Littering was something highly frowned upon in The Society. “Umm, sure. It’s down the road three blocks. There’s a counter inside the 7–11 where you can check the schedule.”

  Readjusting the backpack on my shoulder, I responded, “Thank you.”

  “Sure thing.”

  The man turned to go back inside, letting the screen door slam close behind him. As I headed toward the direction he pointed, I kept darting my eyes back and forth, making sure I wasn’t being followed.

  Still having no idea what town I was in, I trudged the three blocks. The parking lot had black spots everywhere from what I assumed was from the cars.

  I walked inside the 7–11 and saw a counter to the right with a sign.

  NEVADA, MISSOURI BUS STOP

  BUY BUS TICKETS HERE

  I had at least one answer, the town I was in. A foreign food smell, that was on the verge of stinking, filled the air. Various food type packets were on metal shelving units. A large refrigerator sat to the back with small bottles of different kinds of drinks. I tried not to gawk like an outsider and act as if I had seen this a million times before. There was one thing for sure, I was out of my depth and needed a plan to get up to speed.

  Approaching the counter, a man with black hair and metal hoops sticking in his eyebrows stood and stared at a book. I cleared my throat politely. “Excuse me, when does the next bus to Fayetteville, Arkansas leave?”

  He clicked on a board with letters on it and looked at a box. Whatever the contraption was had me fascinated as different screens flashed across. “It’ll be here in about fifteen minutes for a ten-minute stop. Do you want a ticket?”

  “Yes, please.”

  More clicking happened. Mundanely he gave me more information. “It’s fifty-five dollars. The ride takes about three and a half hours. The bus should get you there by seven a.m.”

  Sitting my backpack on the counter, I hoped I was able to figure out how to use money. I knew the basic principle of money and how it worked in theory, but applying everything was a completely different story. “I’ll take one ticket.”

  I focused on looking through the money. The beating of my heart reached an all-time high as I looked at the money. I needed to stay inconspicuous.

  Within the front pocket, I found three twenties. Surely, I would get five dollars back. Before I said anything, I’d wait to see if it was an automatic response to give it back before I asked anything. Handing the money to the man who looked utterly bored, he clicked some more buttons, then a drawer popped out that was filled with more money. Placing my twenties in the drawer, he took out a five. This made logical sense to me. I’d be able to handle the money aspect.

  “Here’s your ticket to get on the bus. Hand it to the driver when you get on.”

  I took a piece of paper that had all the details of the trip. “Thank you. I appreciate it. Do you by chance have a restroom I could use?”

  The guy pulled out a small rectangular thing that had a screen and typed on it. Clearly, he was disengaged from the conversation since the sale had been made. “Yeah, there’s one in the back for the public.”

  “Thanks.”

  He didn’t bother responding.

  Quickly, I took care of things and wet a paper towel to clean my face. Muscles within my body screamed from exhaustion. My reflection showed a tired stressed out face. Deep calming breaths help ease the tension.

  “You can do this, Sarah. I mean Kenzie.” The words came from my mouth and I wanted to believe them as I kept looking at myself.

  I am not Sarah. I am Kenzie.

  In the hallway that led back to the store, I noticed something affixed to the wall. A sign on it stated water fountain. My throat was instantly on fire as thirst came to the forefront of my mind. Looking around to see if anyone was watching me, I depressed the button that read PUSH. Water came out in an arc. I knelt over and drank the cool and refreshing liquid until I wasn’t able to hold any more. Filling my stomach would help abate the hunger
that was becoming slightly prevalent. Until I got a better understanding of my surroundings, I was going to wait to buy food.

  As I returned to the front of the store, I took my time to further inspect the metal shelving units. Everything had a price associated with it. Paying for food was a new concept. Paying for anything was actually. The Society didn’t have money. We only took what we needed and gave what we didn’t.

  Through the window, a large gray bus came through. The cashier turned my way. “That’s your bus. It’s early. I would suggest going ahead and getting on.”

  “Thanks. Have a good evening.”

  He nodded and focused back to that square thing he had been typing on earlier. It was hard tampering my curiosity to ask what the contraption was. This was all part of the technology my mom had mentioned. I was frustrated not knowing and understanding certain concepts, but breezing through others.

  It was hard to believe that walking three hours had led me to a completely different world. Making my way to the bus, I had my ticket in hand. A sweet little lady sat behind the wheel. It was amazing she was able to drive such a large thing. Excitement bloomed within me as I prepared to ride in my first vehicle.

  I handed the bus driver my ticket. She put a machine to it. “What is that?”

  She smiled sweetly as she handed me back the paper. “It’s these new contraptions they’ve put in. They scan the tickets to make sure they’re valid.”

  So many things seem automated in this new world. I wanted to explore it all, ask a million questions, and live.

  Not sure where to go, I asked, “Is there a specific place I need to sit?”

  “You can sit in any seat that’s open, hunny.”

  “Thank you.” The bus only had a few people on board. As I passed by, I saw a younger man with things in his ears. I wondered how he was listening through them. A few rows behind him was an elderly woman who was reading.

  Taking the most isolated seat, I settled in and tried to get my thoughts about me. A sense of relief washed over me accomplishing my first couple of tasks—get to the bus station and get a ticket. Two older women boarded the bus and took the two available seats in front of me. They excitedly chatted up a storm. I hoped one day I was as at ease as they were in this life.