Her First Vacation

by Leigh, Jennie

  This was, Colin knew, just the tip of the iceberg. Taking down Garret Palmer was only the very beginning of a massive operation. He’d be the first to fall, then his contact and then the rest of the organization would go down like dominoes. Palmer might be a twisted sadist, but he didn’t have a masochistic bone in his body. Once he knew he was out of other options, he’d start spilling his guts about everything and everyone else involved. He’d be especially eager to talk if he knew he was on the hook for the murder of a federal agent, which would put him in direct line with a death sentence. Garret loved himself too much to not want to save his own miserable life in exchange for what he knew. Which was why Colin had to make sure he didn’t miss the meeting between Palmer and his contact. That was the key. The final bit of proof he’d need to get Palmer’s back up against the wall. After that, it would be up to others to finish the task.

  Colin closed his eyes as a wave of weariness washed over him. He was bone tired, not just physically, but psychologically as well. He was burnt out in the worst way and damn near sick to death of living a life constantly built on lies. He hadn’t said anything to anyone, but he’d decided this was going to be his last job. He was getting out before it killed him the way it had killed Charlie. There had been a time when the idea of quitting this job had been utterly impossible for him to imagine. He’d been idealistic enough to believe he was changing the world then. Now he just wanted to live his life in peace. No more lies, no more constant threat of danger and death hanging over his head twenty-four hours a day. He’d get a boat like he’d always planned and sail around the world.

  It was easy to imagine it. Simple to see himself at the helm of a sleek cutter as it sliced through the water with the wind filling its sails. He’d indulged in this particular fantasy with increasing frequency over the past couple of years, and in all that time it had never varied in the least. Not until today. Suddenly the fantasy he’d taken refuge in so many times shifted, and he realized that he wasn’t alone on the cutter. Claire stood at his side, her thick mane of hair streaming out behind her in the wind, her face glowing with the smile she gave him as she turned to look up into his eyes. His eyes flashed open, and he pushed to his feet, heedless of the odd looks he drew as he hurried from the dining room. Damn it to hell, she had no place in his future. Not even in the imaginary future conjured up in his mind. Always, when he’d thought about being at sea on his own boat, he’d been alone and more than glad of it. Peace. Quiet. Solitude. That’s what he craved. Total freedom. He didn’t want or need a woman in his life. Especially a woman like Claire. Wife and mother. That’s what she was, and he was never in a million years going to be husband and father material. There was no point in even letting himself imagine it for an instant. He wouldn’t want that kind of life anyway. Again there was mocking from some place deep inside him. This time he resolutely ignored it.

  Garret tracked him down just after lunch. Colin was more than a little pleased to see that he still looked slightly pale. He was marginally less jovial than he’d been before as well. Colin asked him what had happened to him, and Garret admitted that he had no answer for it. He remembered getting stung by something and then being violently ill. The doctors were saying it was some kind of coincidence about the sting. They thought he was suffering from a particularly nasty twelve-hour virus. Anyway, he was over it now, it seemed, and more than ready to get on with enjoying the cruise. Just as Colin had expected, Garret went right after Claire. Colin followed him and watched as Garret knocked on her door. He was too far away to hear whether or not Claire answered him, though he assumed she hadn’t since Garret finally gave the door a frustrated glare before walking away. Colin moved to the door and leaned against it, listening. At first he didn’t hear anything and wondered if Claire might have come out of hiding after all. But then there was the soft sound of the bed squeaking when she moved. It instantly invoked a flood of memories of the night before. Of the times and ways they’d made the bed emit that same sound. He felt heat suffuse his body and damn near knocked on the door to ask her to let him in. He backed away from the door quickly, before he did something that would destroy everything he’d worked for. God, he wanted her, though. More than he’d ever wanted any other woman. He’d thought that the night they’d spent together would have sated the need clawing at his gut, but it was still there, just as relentless as it had always been. It was the most terrifying thing he’d ever faced, and for the first time in his life, he turned and ran away from something he was afraid of.

  When dinner came and went and Claire still hadn’t put in an appearance, Garret started making all sorts of concerned noises. Colin was a little surprised that he’d play the role of worried friend when Claire wasn’t there to witness it, but then he might have been thinking that if she ever asked, there would be witnesses for the depth of his anxiety. What if she’d caught the same thing he had? What if there’d been something wrong with the food they’d eaten that day? Finally, he left the table, though Colin noticed that he waited until he’d finished every last bite of his food, including dessert. Colin excused himself along with the rest of the group and went after him. By the time Colin caught up to Garret he was already knocking on Claire’s door.

  Claire rolled over to focus on the door. She’d been lying in bed all day. She hadn’t eaten, hadn’t dressed, hadn’t even showered. She’d told herself a number of times that she ought to at least take care of the last, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Showering would mean washing Colin’s scent from her body, and she simply wasn’t ready to let him go, yet. She would. She had no other choice. The maid had already been by that morning, wanting to clean the room and change the sheets. Claire had turned her away as well. The sheets smelled like Colin. Everything smelled like Colin. The knock came again, and she laid there as some traitorous part of her silently prayed that it would be him, that he’d come back to her. Finally, the third knock was accompanied by a voice.

  “Claire, are you all right?”

  Garret. She felt fresh tears gather in her eyes. Amazing that she had any tears left to cry after the sobbing she’d spent the morning indulging in. She closed her eyes, willing the tears to stop even as one trickled down her face and into her hair. Garret knocked again, this time with enough force to make the door rattle in its frame.

  “Damn it, Claire, answer me!”

  She finally pushed herself up from the bed, wrapping the sheet around her as she crossed to the door. She leaned against it as she spoke.

  “Go away, Garret.”

  She heard him sigh. “Thank God. I thought you’d passed out or something. Open the door so I can make sure you’re all right.”

  “I’m in no mood for company. Just leave me be, and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  She heard him hesitate before speaking again. “What’s wrong, darling? I know something’s wrong. I can hear it in your voice.”

  She felt an uncharacteristic urge to snap at him that she wasn’t his “darling,” and that she never would be. She bit her tongue, though, knowing she had no right to take her foul mood out on Garret when he’d never been anything but a gentleman to her. She leaned her aching head against the door and concentrated on coming up with an excuse for not opening the door. Finally she settled on the only one she could think of.

  “I don’t feel very well, Garret. My allergies suddenly flared up this morning, and I simply want to rest and allow the medication to do its work.”

  “Are you certain that’s all it is? You aren’t angry with me for some reason, are you?”

  “No, of course not. I’m just suffering from tired, puffy eyes and a slightly stopped up nose, and on top of that, the antihistamine I’ve taken is making me awfully tired. I’m certain that by morning I’ll feel much better, though. There’s no reason for you to worry.”

  She could practically feel him on the other side of the door. He wanted her to let him in. He wanted to pick up where they’d left off. The idea of it made her feel slightly ill. Not that she bla
med Garret for it. He was, after all, a man who liked women. She’d always known that. She knew from the start that sooner or later his nature would drive him to try to turn their friendship into something more. Eventually she was going to have to tell him that it wasn’t ever going to happen, despite the fact that they’d shared a few mildly intimate moments. Right now, she knew she wasn’t up to it, however. Even if she’d felt capable of saying the words, she knew it wasn’t something to be said through a closed door. He deserved to be looking into her eyes when she told him she wasn’t ever going to become his lover. And she would tell him, just as soon as she was certain she could keep the shame she felt over what she’d done with Colin out of her eyes.

  On the other side of the door she heard Garret sigh again. “Okay, I’ll leave you to get some rest, but I’ll expect to see you first thing in the morning. If I don’t, I’ll be right back here, and I won’t take no for an answer. Do you hear me?”

  “Yes, I hear you. Like I said, you don’t need to worry. I’ll be fine by tomorrow.”

  “You’d better be. I don’t think I could bear it if you weren’t.”

  The emotion in his voice was thick. It made her feel even more ashamed of herself. Garret might be a natural born womanizer, but he’d made a tremendous effort to curb those ways over the past days. For her. He’d changed who and what he was, just because she’d told him to. And now she was going to have to tell him that it didn’t matter. Even if he really had changed, she still wouldn’t become his lover. She couldn’t. She wasn’t at all sure she’d ever want to feel any man’s touch again. Not when she knew that she’d spend the rest of her life comparing every man she met to Colin. They’d never measure up. Not in a million years. Because she was in love with Colin Montgomery, and as much as she hated to admit it, she was afraid she always would be. She swallowed the tightness in her throat and forced her voice out.

  “Good night, Garret.”

  “Sleep well, darling. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  She heard him move away from the door, and she did the same, stumbling toward the bed as fresh tears blurred her vision. Damn Colin Montgomery for what he’d done to her. And damn her, as well, for letting him do it when she’d known how it would end. He’d told her he couldn’t, wouldn’t love her. He’d told her that he wanted her body and nothing more. And she’d told herself that she could live with that. But he hadn’t just used her body for sex last night. He’d taught her how to enjoy the pleasure a man and woman could give one another. He’d kissed her with passion and heartbreaking tenderness. He’d been rough with need and gentle with compassion. In short, he had made love to her. Not just sex, not a mere physical joining of their bodies, but a union of their souls that was so profound she still trembled when she thought about it. And that’s why she was so angry with Colin. In that dark hallway in the casino he’d made it very clear what he wanted from her, what it would be like if he took her to bed. His graphic words still rang in her ears. As she’d stood before him when he told her to take off her dress, she’d told herself she was willing to accept his terms. He was the one who didn’t keep his end of the bargain. Now she was the one who was going to have to find a way to live with it.

  Claire wasn’t feeling much like socializing when she woke the next morning. She’d spent most of the night trying to sleep and failing to do more than doze fitfully while her mind replayed every moment of the time she and Colin had spent together in her room. When she did finally get up, she felt hot and flushed and was shocked to realize it meant she was aroused. She crawled out of the bed and into the bathroom where she took a long shower and scrubbed every inch of her body in an effort to wash the memories away. Yesterday, she couldn’t bear to lose Colin’s lingering scent. Today she never wanted to encounter it again. So Colin had changed the rules once he got her into bed. Instead of using her body to simply please himself, he’d pleased her as well. Repeatedly. She ignored the fresh flush of heat that swept through her. He didn’t just have sex with her, he made love to her. With her. Over and over and over until they were both too exhausted to do it again. Another flush. He’d taken her to places she’d never been before, made her feel things she’d never even imagined. So what? The only thing that mattered was that he wasn’t ever going to do it again. Maybe no one would. But she couldn’t spend the rest of her life hating him for it. That wouldn’t be fair. Because he hadn’t really seduced her. He hadn’t forced her into anything. He hadn’t even had to coerce her. She’d gone to bed with him willingly, which meant she had no one to blame for her current state but herself. Colin had not lied to her. It was her fault for falling in love with him.

  Knowing the truth was one thing. Dealing with it was something else entirely, however. There were just over three days left on the cruise. Two days at port and one and a half at sea. Then they’d be back where they’d started, and she’d be on her way back to the life she’d taken the cruise to escape from. She wasn’t about to spend the rest of the cruise hiding in her room. She would have to face Colin. For her own peace of mind, she had to look him in the eye and force her heart to accept that it would just have to get over the crazy feelings it had for him. She wasn’t a coward. Not any longer, at least. She’d been every bit as willing a participant in the love making as he’d been, and she was going to accept that fact and move on. She’d had an affair. It was over. That’s all there was to it.

  Colin had decided that he would stick to Garret like glue for the remainder of the trip. He knew the meeting with Garret’s contact would not take place on the ship. Every single person on the ship had been checked and re-checked until there wasn’t a detail of their lives that hadn’t been evaluated. There were a number of people who might have been involved in activities that were not precisely legal, but none of them was into anything as serious as what Palmer was up to. Which meant his contact was not on board. The meeting would take place on shore somewhere. Garret would make the meeting, exchange information, then come back to the ship. Colin would follow him, identify the contact and tag him, then other agents would go after him while Colin stuck with Garret. Provided everything went according to plan. Palmer would be taken into custody right before the ship docked back in Florida. That would minimize any chance he might have for forming any last minute escape plans. Colin would take him into custody, and they would be met on the ramp by an army of other federal officers that would then take Palmer off Colin’s hands. It was a simple plan. Colin knew very well, though, that simple didn’t always mean easy.

  The first problem arose when Colin was forced to watch Claire have breakfast with Garret. There was no way to miss the strain on her face, the tiredness in her eyes. She hadn’t slept well, and Colin knew he was to blame for it. And it appeared that he’d done it all for nothing, because she clearly hadn’t taken his warning to stay away from Garret seriously. He watched as Garret rose from the table when she walked up and leaned forward to kiss her. She turned her face at the last moment, so the kiss fell on her cheek instead of her lips, but that was hardly soothing to Colin’s tightly strung nerves. Garret helped her to her seat, then sat beside her. Too close beside her. The waiter came and they ordered, then she fixed her beautiful gray eyes on Garret when he reached out and took her hand. Colin watched as Garret wove his fingers through hers and felt his stomach clench as memories of doing the same thing slammed into him. Their hands had clung together like that while he’d been sinking into her. He shuddered, then forced the memory away as he focused once more on the pair sitting several yards away.

  Claire wanted to pull her hand out of Garret’s grasp, but didn’t because she knew it would hurt him if she reacted that way. His grip on her hand wasn’t casual, though. It was intimate. His fingers laced with hers. It reminded her of Colin, of the way they’d done the same thing while making love. She sincerely hoped the flush she felt sweeping across her face was not nearly as visible as it felt. The moment she saw Garret’s frown, though, she knew she was wishing in vain.

  “Are you
all right? You’re suddenly very flushed.”

  She nodded, dropping her eyes from him as she lied. “I’m fine. I just didn’t sleep very well last night, that’s all. I guess I slept too much yesterday while the antihistamine was in my system.”

  He gave her hand a squeeze. “We’ll make it a light day today. I had planned to take you ashore, but we’ll skip it and stay on board instead.”

  Claire swallowed convulsively as she shook her head. “No, there’s no reason for you to change your plans. Go ahead and do whatever it was you had in mind.”

  He reached out and caught her chin, lifting her face so their gazes met. “I have no interest in doing anything that doesn’t include you.”

  Claire could see his intentions in his eyes. They dropped to her mouth for a moment, then lifted to meet her gaze once more. He was going to kiss her. She knew she couldn’t allow it. So she cleared her throat as she slowly leaned away from him.

  “Listen, Garret, I think we need to talk.”

  She saw the frown that settled over his face. He quickly covered it though, with a strained smile. “This sounds ominous.”

  The attempt at humor fell flat. She shook her head, then didn’t say anything as the waiter arrived with their food. She used that as an excuse to pull her hand out of Garret’s grasp. Once the waiter had gone, she picked right up.

  “You know I have really enjoyed all the time we’ve spent together, Garret. Really. I’ve never felt so...appreciated as I have when I’m with you.”

  His frown was back. “But?”

  “Well, it’s just that I’m not looking for an affair.” She felt herself flush again as she voiced that lie. She might not have been looking for an affair with Garret, but she’d certainly had one with Colin. She just hoped Garret took this flush to be nothing more than embarrassment over the delicate nature of what she was saying. “I told you from the start that I’m not that kind of woman.” Another statement her actions two nights ago had made into a lie. “I just can’t be that casual.”