by David Hare
Kyra Nevertheless.
She nods at the cheese in his hand to say he has no choice. But Tom already has another plan.
Toby I’m going to get Frank.
Kyra I’m sorry?
Toby I’m going to call down to Frank, this is ridiculous, to send out, just to go to a deli and get us something for now …
Kyra Hold on a moment, what are you saying? Are you saying that Frank is sitting out there?
Toby Sure.
Kyra Waiting out in the car all the time we’ve been talking?
Toby Yes. I mean, yes! For Christ’s sake, what’s wrong with that?
He is bemused but she has her hands on her hips, as if Tom will never learn.
Kyra You leave him down there? You really are quite extraordinary.
Toby Why?
Kyra You used to tell me you had this great gift! I remember, you prided yourself on what you called your man-management skills. And yet you still treat people as if they were no better than objects …
But Tom is already moving in to her, refusing to accept any of this.
Toby For God’s sake, Kyra, the man is a driver. That’s what he does. You know full well that drivers don’t drive. The greater part of their lives they spend waiting …
Kyra Tom, there is some sort of limit!
Toby And furthermore, that is what they expect. Frank, I may tell you … Frank, as it happens, is perfectly happy. Frank for a start is bloody well paid. He is sitting in a spacious limousine listening to Kiss 100 and reading what is politely called a ‘men’s interest’ magazine …
But Kyra is already pointing to the window in the kitchen area.
Kyra Have you looked out the window? Have you seen the weather? Have you seen there’s snow about to come down?
Toby Don’t give me that tosh! Frank is a bloody sight better off sitting in a warm Mercedes than he would be in this fucking fur-store which you call your home.
Kyra Well …
Toby (suddenly exploding with rage) I mean, here we are! This is the problem! That’s what it was. That was the problem. This ridiculous self-righteousness! I mean, to be fair, you always had it. But also, I knew, I knew it wasn’t going to get better. And, let’s face it, it was only going to get worse once you decided you wanted to teach.
Kyra It’s nothing to do with my teaching, it isn’t to do with the work that I do, it’s just a way of respecting people.
Toby Frank isn’t people! Frank is a man who is doing a job!
He moves away, all his worst suspicions confirmed.
You were always salving your own bloody conscience … these stupid gestures, nothing to do with what people might want. They want to be treated … respected like adults for the job they are paid for, and not looked down on as if they were chronically disabled, as if they somehow need help all the time. I mean, yes, this was the craziness! This was the whole trouble with business and you! You looked down – always! – on the way we did things. The way things are done. You could never accept the nature of business. I mean, finally that’s why you had to leave.
He has no sooner said this than he realises how absurd it is, and at once tries to retract.
Kyra Well, I must say …
Toby I mean …
Kyra I never knew that was the reason!
Toby All right, I’m sorry …
Kyra I never knew that was why I had to leave.
Tom is desperately trying to backtrack but Kyra won’t let him off the hook.
Toby I put it badly.
Kyra Badly? You did. I thought I left because your wife discovered I’d been sleeping with you for over six years!
Unable to resist it, she has said this so forcefully that he can only look at her, admitting his own absurdity.
Toby I mean, well, yes. That as well, that played a part in it.
Kyra I should say it fucking well did.
Toby That was part of the problem.
Kyra Part of? Part of?
Toby But you did have a problem of attitude. Your attitude to business you never got straight!
Kyra Well …
She gestures as if this was hardly the worst of her problems and goes back into the kitchen to carry on laying the table.
Toby (trying to retrieve what ground he can) What I’m saying is, you’d have left anyway. I could sense it. You were feeling it was time for a change.
Kyra Tom, I left because I’d always warned you: ‘If Alice finds out, then I shall go.’
She has said this quite simply as if re-creating the moment. Tom shifts, uncomfortable, more like a little boy than ever.
Toby All right …
Kyra I told you, I told you a thousand times …
Toby Yes. I know you did.
Kyra I can only do this for as long as she doesn’t find out. When she found out, then it changed things. Instantly.
Toby ‘Instantly’ says it. You were gone in an hour. Wham! Out the door! With me left explaining to all the other employees …
Kyra Oh, really?
Toby I don’t think anyone was very convinced.
Kyra I had no choice. I know it sounds stupid. You have something worked out in your own mind. Then something changes. The balance is gone. You no longer believe your own story. And that, I’m afraid, is the moment to leave.
She turns and goes out into the kitchen. Tom moves away, thinking, by himself. He picks up the cheese and the grater and, as if conceding defeat, starts to grate it into a little bowl. Kyra speaks quietly from the kitchen.
Kyra I heard you moved.
Toby Yes. We did that quite quickly. We moved when Alice was starting to get ill.
Kyra How long was her illness?
Toby She was … well, let’s see … She was in the bed, in the bad bit, I suppose, it was getting on for a year. I mean we’d known, I mean soon after you left us … then she began to experience dizziness. She’d taken no notice at first.
Kyra has stopped cooking, and is just watching him now.
We were in such total confusion, at that time things were already so tough, so that news of the illness … to be honest, at first, when it was first diagnosed, it seemed like kind of a joke. How much misfortune? and so on. Where are the gods?
Kyra just watches, not reacting. The cheese and grater are idle in his hands.
She needed a place where she could be peaceful. I built this extraordinary bedroom – this builder, the one I mentioned, you know – with this wonderful sloping glass roof. The Common outside. Fantastic! We gave her the picture she wanted, exactly what she wanted to see.
Then he frowns, knowing what he will say next is difficult.
She became quite … well, she became quite mystic. I don’t mean to sound cruel, but it was kind of difficult for me.
Kyra In what way?
Toby You know Alice. She got hold of this bloody word ‘spiritual’. It’s one of those words I’ve never quite understood. I mean, I’ve always hated the way people use it. They use it to try and bump themselves up. ‘Oh I’ve had a spiritual experience,’ they say …
Kyra Yes.
Toby As if that’s the end of the argument. ‘Spiritual’, meaning: ‘It’s mine and shove off.’ People use it to prove they’re sensitive. They want it to dignify quite ordinary things.
Tom has started by half sending himself up but now he gets firmer as he goes.
Religion. Now, that is something different. I like religion. Because religion has rules. It’s based on something which actually occurred. There are things to believe in. And what’s more, what makes it worth following – not that I do, mind you – there’s some expectation of how you’re meant to behave. But ‘spiritual’ … well, it’s all wishy-washy. It means, ‘Well, for me, for me this is terribly important, but I’m fucked if I can really say why …’
Kyra is smiling at this characteristic talk, but Tom is genuinely aggravated.
Kyra Is that how Alice was?
Toby Oh look, I don’t mean to downgrade it. Alice was
dying. Let’s face it, in my view she grabbed at whatever she could. She was always faddish. But that’s what it was. Grabbing. It wasn’t solid. It wasn’t like she really believed. If you’d said, ‘Oh look, what do you believe in? What is there? What’s happening? What’s real?’, she couldn’t say. It was all sensation.
Kyra is looking askance now, a little shocked by Tom’s dismissiveness.
Kyra Yes, but Tom, surely, that’s not so unusual …
Toby I know!
Kyra That’s how most people die. They die in that state. Not knowing. Half knowing. Surely that’s what you’d expect?
Toby (turning round, determined again to confront his own unease) I don’t know. I could see the room was beautiful. I mean, it was a beautiful room. And so it should be. I’m not being wholly facetious, but the fact is I had spent a great deal. I mean, I’m not kidding. I spent a great deal of money. All that glass, the sandalwood floor. The sky! The greenery! The light! I gave her everything.
Kyra So what are you saying?
Toby I don’t know. I just felt frustrated. I felt out of contact.
Kyra What you’re saying is the two of you never got straight.
Toby No.
It is suddenly quiet. Kyra is standing with the cooking spoon still in her hand. Tom is just staring out. There is a feeling of shame and complicity. Briefly, they’re like two criminals.
Kyra What you mean is, you never got over your guilt.
She goes back towards the kitchen.
Toby (quietly, a little hoarsely) Guilt. I don’t know. I mean, guilt’s another word. It’s one of those words people use. I mean, sure. In a way. I mean, yes, I can hardly deny it. Both of us knew. Both Alice and me. We knew our time together was wrecked. But Alice was far too proud to reproach me. And then of course, being Alice, she began to withdraw. Gardening! Sewing! Reading! All those feminine things! The effect? To make me feel much worse than if she’d stood up and fought.
Kyra is standing listening again now, recognising his description of Alice.
She kept saying, ‘No, you go on with your life, Tom. We’re such different people,’ that’s what she said. ‘Don’t mind me. Forget me. I’m happy reading and gardening.’ Christ! Fucking gardening! If I could make it illegal I would!
Kyra smiles.
She’d say quietly, ‘Well, you know, Tom, I think we were always mismatched. For a man like you, Kyra is much more intelligent.’ She’d praise you. Always. ‘Kyra’s attractive. She’s clever. She’s smart.’ I mean, she’d actually say that. ‘I’m much too docile, I know.’ Jesus! I look back on that time in our lives, my own wife telling me in tones of absolute sweetness how right I was to love someone else. And what’s more, what a good choice! (He turns back, despairing.) Then when she got ill … you think, ‘I see, is this some sort of punishment? Do You always punish the meek?’ Alice’s peace of mind taken from her. Her friendship with you. She’s just beginning to absorb this. And then she’s told that she’s going to die.
He starts to cry.
Kyra And now?
Toby Now?
Kyra What are you feeling?
Tom looks at her blankly for a moment, then characteristically covers up again, at once trying to hide his distress.
Toby Oh, not too bad. I think I’m all right. No, really. I’ve found ways of coping. In the way that you do. I mean, I’ve got the business. No problem. I’ve got the house.
Then he grins, relieved to be able to get back to an anecdote.
A woman came – I didn’t tell you this – a woman came to the door. She said she was from a local support group. I couldn’t believe it. She told me she’d come to help me to grieve. I said, ‘I beg your pardon?’ She said, don’t worry, it’s not going to cost you. It’s on the rates.’ Or the Poll Tax, whatever it’s called. I said, ‘I’m meant to feel better? You mean that’s meant to make it all right? That’s meant to make all the difference?’ Oh good, this is great, I think I’ll do this, I’ll mourn my wife in the company of this total stranger, after all it’s going to be free …
Now he is becoming disproportionately angry, his scorn for his visitor complete.
I said, ‘Look, lady, I’ll tell you one thing. When I choose to grieve for this woman … this woman with whom I spent such a … large part of my life, it will not be in the presence of a representative of Wimbledon Council.’ She said, ‘Oh, we’re in Merton now.’
He stands, genuinely furious, lost, all his anger displaced on to this story.
I mean, please tell me, what is it? Don’t they know anything? You suffer. That’s what you do. There are no short cuts. There are no easy ways. And I have been doing my share of suffering.
Kyra Yes. I know that. That’s what I’ve heard.
Tom frowns, brought up short, suddenly hearing her say this.
Toby What do you mean? What do you mean by that?
Kyra I talked to Edward.
Toby Edward?
Kyra That’s right.
Toby When? You’ve talked to Edward?
Kyra Oh shit, the pasta is going to be done …
She moves quickly to reach into the oven for the plates.
Toby (infuriated) For Christ’s sake, forget the pasta.
Kyra Oh God, I think it’s going to be spoilt.
Toby What are you saying? Have you kept on seeing Edward?
Kyra No. He’s only been over here once.
Toby When?
Kyra As it happened, this evening. He came, he told me that you’d been impossible. He says you still can’t live with yourself. He said you spend the whole day in a fury.
Toby Fury? What fury?
Kyra He says you’re totally lost.
Toby How dare he? How dare he come here and talk about me?
But Kyra, pouring the water off the pasta, is catching some of Tom’s anger.
Kyra He came out of kindness. He came because he’s concerned for his father.
Toby Concerned? Concerned for his father? Like fuck! He came because he’s a little shit-stirrer. Because he likes making other people’s business his own.
Suddenly Kyra’s patience goes. She picks up a tray of cutlery and throws it violently across the room. The crash is spectacular. Tom stands dazed.
Kyra This is it. I mean, shit! I’ve heard you, Tom … I mean, you’ve done this, you’ve done this your whole bloody life …
Toby Done what?
Kyra Pretended not to understand anything. Pretended, when you understand perfectly well.
Toby Understand what?
Kyra You’ve taken this boy …
Toby I’ve taken him?
Kyra You’ve taken this son of yours. Edward. You’ve made his life miserable. He told me. You had a row. For God’s sake, earlier this week, he left home.
Toby So?
Kyra You’re making his life unendurable. And only because you happen to be so bloody guilty …
Toby Me?
Kyra And so you take your guilt out on him.
Toby Is that what I do?
Kyra It is.
Toby Oh, really?
Kyra Yes.
Toby I see. Is that his opinion?
Kyra I think so.
Toby Is that his version? Is that what he says?
Kyra He didn’t need to say it. I lived with your family, remember? Do you think I don’t know what the hell’s going on?
Tom moves away again, happier now, hoping he’s off the hook.
Toby Ah, now I see, Kyra, you’re actually inventing. I see. This is guesswork. The truth is, you’re making this up. From your knowledge of the family you once walked out on …
Kyra All right.
Toby Edward didn’t actually say any of this …
But she won’t give way. She is still standing resolute, determined to take him on.
Kyra I think he saw your behaviour.
Toby My behaviour?
Kyra The way you behaved at the end.
She stops, knowing she has hit home.
Tom just looks at her. Knowing it’s true, she goes further on to the attack.
Do you think, please, Tom, do you think I’ve believed this stuff you’ve been telling me?
Toby Stuff?
Kyra ‘I’m enjoying the business, it’s wonderful. I get on great with my son. Alice dying was hard, but of course I survived it. No problem. I just dropped round to see you … Oh, no reason, I just thought it was time …’ (She is bitter at the absurdity of it.) And me, I’m standing here, nodding, smiling, agreeing like some ape … and thinking, is this man lying to me deliberately? Or does he not even notice? Or is he so used to lying to himself? It’s all right for me. I’m fine. You can tell me anything. Any old story. I’m lucky because I’ve moved on. But Edward is young. He needs his father. He deserves honesty. He deserves not to be treated like dirt.
Tom looks guiltily at her a moment, not wanting to give way completely.
Toby That isn’t fair.
Kyra Oh, isn’t it?
Toby It isn’t one-sided. Sometimes, I know, I can be hard on the boy.
Kyra And why?
Toby He’s such a jerk. That’s the reason.
Kyra Oh come on, Tom.
He looks at her reproachfully a moment, then suddenly admits the truth.
Toby All right, it’s true. I couldn’t face Alice. I couldn’t. Not at the end. Any excuse. I went travelling. I opened hotels abroad. New York. Los Angeles. The further the better. I couldn’t – I know it was wrong of me – do you really think I don’t know it? – but, Jesus … I could not stay in that room. All right, I’m not proud. We both knew what was happening. I kept thinking, ‘It’s not like a test. What’s happening is chance. It’s pure chance. It’s simply bad luck.’ But I couldn’t fight it. I felt … oh, everyone’s watching. Her friends. I know what they think. This is some sort of trial of my character. And no doubt the bastards are saying I fail. (He is suddenly vehement.) But Edward was as bad. Don’t ever think otherwise. He failed just as badly. In a different way. I came home, six friends of his lying on the floor, drinking Heineken. Drugs. Shit, I don’t know … I remember screaming, ‘What the hell are you doing? Don’t you know your mother is lying up there?’ I was so angry. I felt this anger, I never got over it. Every day this fury that you had walked out. Walked out and left me to handle this thing. I did try to use it. I used your memory. I kept saying, ‘Look, I must behave well. I must try. Because who knows? If I behave well, I still have a chance here.’