The Darker Side of Mummy Misfit #2

by Amanda Egan

  Can’t actually see her stooping that low but, with Fenella, who knows?

  Thursday 26th March

  Had an Anti-Meemie coffee morning at Fenella’s.

  Patience was late and looked very loved up and glowing. Rachel was cross and ready for a good mummy-moan.

  “I’m not sure I’m cut out for this prep-school lark. Being a step-mum’s hard enough but they just never let me forget it. I get treated with all the contempt they usually reserve for nannies and au pairs. I wouldn’t get that at the local state school. I’m working on Mike to move Betsy because, apart from meeting you guys, it’s been a complete nightmare.”

  Patience agreed. “I don’t know which was worse - them thinking I was a penniless single black lesbian or them finding out I’m a multi-millionairess. Wait until they find out I’m up the duff with Pritesh’s baby! They’ll probably send me to Coventry again.”

  She looked so incredibly happy when she said this. We all cheered up and Fenella, pointing out that it was almost lunchtime, opened a bottle of fizz.

  “Everything looks better with bubbles,” we chorused and I realised how truly relaxed I felt in the company of my school-gate allies.

  PM

  Max is beside himself with excitement about the dog show tomorrow.

  We’ve done all we can to manage his expectations and we now have to leave it in the ‘lap of the dogs’.

  “Don’t worry, Mummy, they’ll get a prize”, he told me as he kissed me goodnight and snuggled down in bed.

  As I stepped over the sleeping mound of Dog, Dot and Stripe I looked at the assembled mass of matted fur and floppy ears and prayed that the groomers could perform miracles.

  Friday 27th March

  End of term and dog show

  We woke to a beautiful spring day which I was thankful for. No point in getting the dogs tarted up, only for them to look like wet shags again if it rained.

  Max went happily in to school with Todd, eagerly discussing their winning dogs - as far as they were concerned it was a foregone conclusion.

  Saw Gestapo smirk and I wanted to punch her on her stupid plastic nose. The ‘rat in the bag’ was cowering in her blingy designer handbag - probably aware that its life wouldn’t be worth living if it didn’t win.

  Felt sorry enough for it to hope it at least got the ‘Most Pathetic Dog in Show’ prize. Or ‘Bitch owned by the Biggest Bitch’.

  PM

  Max has gone to bed a very happy boy.

  OK, so the dogs didn’t win best in show or prettiest pooch but they did win a totally unique prize - ‘Happiest Family of Dogs’.

  The fact that they were the only family of dogs there didn’t register with Max or Todd as they went up hand-in-hand to collect their certificates and rosettes.

  Have a sneaking feeling that Hinge & Bracket may have wrangled the category specifically for us, but who am I to question it?

  It was worth it just to see the look of disdain on Gestapo’s face.

  Oh and ‘the rat in the bag’ got 3rd in the toy category.

  The shame!

  Off for a lovely early night before our flights tomorrow.

  And no, no gloating was done about jetting off to our villa - I just don’t have it in me.

  But a little gloating was done about our winning dogs!

  SUMMER TERM

  NEW BEGINNINGS

  Sunday 19th April

  Felt fully refreshed after our fortnight away and then spent the rest of the break doing what I used to do with Max when we were poor - park, museums, walks, baking, crafts and DVD’s - just for old time’s sake, as Max has learned to appreciate the simple things in life.

  Only received one more text midway through the break - so I figure the culprit must have bigger fish to fry and I’m just old news.

  Ned and I thoroughly enjoyed our time together and it felt just like old times again there as well.

  Mrs S was delighted to inform me that she’s going to become a grand-mother and I did the decent thing and acted surprised - wouldn’t do for her to think I already knew.

  “There is just one thing that is making the whole event a little sad for me, Libbybeta. I am thinking that they should be doing the honourable thing and getting married. But a batty old mother is never listened to. You must be doing this job for me and making sure they do it properly.”

  Told her I’d try but, deep down, I have no intention of doing anything! They’re perfectly capable of making that decision for themselves and I don’t think they need me interfering again.

  A wedding would be nice though! Might get Fenella on the job instead.

  Monday 20th April

  Summer term starts

  I was collecting some paperwork from Jenny in the school office this morning when I bumped straight into Dan - his first day back after his meltdown.

  He looked a little sheepish and gestured me to the stairs.

  “I’m so sorry about … well … you know, my behaviour. I don’t know what came over me. Really, Libby, I apologise.”

  Told him it was fine and that I hoped he was feeling better after his break.

  “Well I was OK but then I started to receive some odd texts,” he told me. “Have you had any?”

  What a great start to the new term.

  PM

  And it just gets better.

  Had a call from Nic tonight to say that Mikhail has been really poorly and may have to spend a bit of time in hospital having more extensive tests done.

  He and Rick are heart-broken. All they ever wanted was a happy, healthy baby to love but their joy seems to be constantly tainted with worry and grief.

  Life’s just not fair sometimes, is it?

  Tuesday 21st April

  Out of the sadness has come a little bit of good news.

  Nic and Rick hadn’t made any plans to have Mikhail baptised but now they feel very differently.

  They’ve asked me and Ned to be Godparents and, as Fenella and Josh have also asked us, they’ve decided to do a “double-dunking” (as Fenella so delightfully put it) and combine the two.

  So that’s something lovely to look forward to next month - I just hope the test results are happy ones and we can truly celebrate.

  PM

  Lou called to say they might pop down for a weekend next month! I’m in complete shock.

  It’s practically unheard of as she’s always convinced she’s going to get bombed in London or Finn will, at the very least, catch some deadly disease that they’ve never even heard of in Scotland. No one would ever believe she’d lived here for years - she makes it sound like a third world country where you can’t set foot out of your door without fearing for you life.

  “Aye, we decided we need a wee break and I want to meet your posh pal Fenellllaaa! We reckon the train is the safest option so we’re having a look at prices.”

  Told her to just book it and we’d pay. Also said if she could get tickets for the weekend of the christening, even better. I know Nic and Rick would love her to be there as they haven’t seen her for years and it can be our little treat.

  “The wee Russian bairn hasnae anything contagious, has he Lib? I don’t want ma boy exposed to any peculiar bugs or germs. D’ya let Maxie-Boy play with him?”

  Sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder if therapy might help.

  Wednesday 22nd April

  Got a CCL meeting tomorrow night so need to knuckle down to some planning.

  No doubt Shergar and Barbie will be there eager to promote their ridiculous cattle market and we’ll have to witness Letchy with his tongue hanging out and drooling whilst they run through the various heats for the contest - surely they won’t have a swimwear or lingerie round?

  Find that I’m constantly looking at other mothers and wondering which one might have sent the texts - it’s not a comfortable feeling living on the edge all the time but I guess I just have to take it as my penance.

  As each day passes and I realise I haven’t received another, I feel a little mor
e relieved. But it’s a bit like waiting for the second shoe to drop - I’m always left thinking, “have they stopped now?”

  I suppose that’s where they’ve been clever - keeping me on tenterhooks. Not a pleasant place to be.

  Thursday 23rd April

  CCL

  Aside from the beauty contest we need to discuss our ‘Manor House Has Got Talent’ show which is going ahead at the end of next month.

  So I spent the morning going through the rules and regs as provided by H&B and various interfering mothers.

  MHHGT

  The show will run from 6pm - 9pm in the main school hall.

  Obviously an early start to accommodate the children and totally understandable.

  One mother has requested children be escorted home at 9 and the parents and teachers continue to “make a night of it”.

  Not going to happen! It’s the start of half term and the teachers will want to get off on their break. Who, pray tell, would that leave to escort the kids home anyway?

  Tickets will be £40 per family (audience) and £10 per person to enter the contest.

  Nothing like bleeding people dry!

  There will be 3 categories - children, parents and staff.

  I dread to think which parents will enter. A lot of the teachers are quite young so they might be game but … parents?!

  As it is a family event, no acts may be overtly sexual. Costumes must be appropriate and rapping of any description will be disqualified.

  Oh bum, that rules out my Eminem burlesque routine then!

  The judging panel will consist of Hinge’s ancient husband (whose name is Snodgrass!), Jenny, Colin and a ‘theatrical professional’ (Actor-Wankor!). There will be one prize in each category and the judges’ decision will be final.

  In other words, no bribes - not even the offer of your yacht and staff for a fortnight. It won’t wash with them.

  There will also be a raffle for which prizes are needed - already received week’s skiing trip, Jimmy Choo voucher and set of Callaway golf clubs. Tickets £5 each on sale week prior to contest and on door on the night.

  More begging and pleading for donations required then!

  As much as I’m enjoying my year of committees and fundraising, I think I’ll be quite relieved to hand the reins over to someone else at the end of this term. Now that Fenella’s got Darcy, I already have to do all the talking at meetings and it doesn’t sit easy with me - I prefer having the Gob by my side!

  Friday 24th April

  Meeting went quite well, all things considered.

  I felt a little awkward being in the same room as Dan but I had to pretend I was mature for a change and just get on with it.

  Thankfully Barbie spent most of the meeting wittering on about the beauty contest and, I do believe, she may have gone up another cup size in honour of the event.

  Shergar had clearly O/D’d on the fillers because, when she started talking, I thought she had a couple of mint imperials stuffed in her cheeks - each to their own. I think I’d rather opt for the more natural jowl-look than the Godfather image.

  Dress-up Mummy seemed to be slightly more on Planet Earth but did have little giggling sessions every now and again. Wondered if perhaps she was sitting on something.

  The judges for the beauty contest are, surprise-surprise … Letchy, Actor Wankor (again in his ‘professional’ capacity) and Dan! Wonder what bribes will be on offer on that night? Anyone who’s desperate to win need only offer Letchy a blowie and the crown will be on her head before she’s on his!

  At Barbie’s insistence there will be three heats - sporty, beachwear and evening. The night will end with each of the contestants explaining their reasons for wanting to win by outlining which charity they would give their prize money to and why.

  Guess this will be the cue for much simpering, fake tears and stories of dying Bambies and the like.

  At least any other monies (drinks, food etc) raised on the night will go to CCL so one good thing will come out of it all.

  And we get to have a laugh at the daft yummies and Letchy having to sit for two hours whilst trying to disguise an erection.

  Saturday 25th April

  Not a good day today. Not a good day at all.

  Woke up to another text - just the usual, nothing more revealing, and I then had a frantic call from Pritesh.

  He’d been trying to ring Mrs S for an hour and wasn’t getting any reply.

  PM

  I’d gone round to Mrs S as soon as I’d clicked the mobile shut and bashed on her door. I thought perhaps she might have Bazza blaring too loudly but there was no sound from inside.

  When I peered through the letterbox I could just make out her feet sticking out from behind the kitchen door.

  She was on the floor and apparently lifeless in a glorious mound of scarlet red sari.

  Sunday 26th April

  Just back from the hospital and absolutely knackered.

  Once the ambulance finally arrived yesterday and we’d managed to get access to the house, the paramedics examined her and said it looked like she’d had a minor stroke.

  At that stage they couldn’t tell me how serious it was and all we could do was set off to the hospital.

  On the way, Mrs S began to come round and was obviously very distressed - she couldn’t seem to move her left side at all and kept insisting that she didn’t want to leave Desmond. I explained to the ambulance man that it was her canary and then told Mrs S that I’d call Ned and tell him to take Des to live in our house until she came home.

  “And do not be forgetting to teach him the last part of ‘Can’t Smile Without You’. If I am karking it I am wanting him to be singing it at my funeral!”

  At this point I burst into tears and told her not to be so bloody stupid.

  Whereupon she told me to stop using “bloody rudie” words so I figured she was probably going to be OK.

  Pritesh was actually at the hospital before us, with Patience, and he was pacing the corridor awaiting our arrival. I explained all that I knew and said that we’d just have to wait for the doctor’s final tests and checks to know the prognosis.

  When we eventually got in to see her she was sitting up in bed looking very frail in a hospital gown. The doctor explained that she’d lost the use of one side of her body but this could return as quickly as it went - or maybe not at all.

  So now we’re just playing the waiting game. There was no change in her today and, apparently, each day that passes means that there’s less of a chance of her returning to normal.

  Oh and I returned home to a patchy rendition of ‘Can’t Smile’ by Desmond which set me off in floods of tears again.

  Monday 27th April

  Dropped Max at school and headed straight to the hospital because I knew Pritesh couldn’t be there until later.

  Mrs S seemed a little brighter but she still hadn’t regained any movement.

  “My Pritesh is saying I may be needing to go into a home where I can be cared for properly but I am telling him I will be going nowhere unless I can take my Desmond with me.”

  I told her that Desmond was fine and working really hard on some new songs with Max, who’s got him started on ‘One Voice’ already - but that’s a surprise for when she comes home - if she comes home.

  Left the hospital feeling really miserable - I just can’t imagine not having Mrs S next door to us.

  She’s not just a neighbour, she’s my friend and I’m not ready to lose her.

  PM

  Pritesh called to say that it’s his mum’s dying wish to see him married.

  “She’s using every trick in the book, Lib, and it’s worked. It would only have been a matter of time before we did it anyway so we figured if it gives Mum a positive to focus on we’ll bring it forward. How’s June 20th looking for you?”

  Told him I was over the moon for them and that I thought it was an excellent idea to give Mrs S a goal. “The sooner she improves, the sooner we can have her home,” I said. />
  “That’s the thing Lib. The docs don’t seem to think that there’s going to be much further improvement in her mobility now so it really does look like a nursing home might be our only option. I’m calling the estate agents in for a valuation next week and starting to look at the best homes in the area. I’m left with no choice.”