The Darker Side of Mummy Misfit #2

by Amanda Egan

  So that’s it then. I’m losing Mrs S.

  Tuesday 28th April

  This is a horrible thing to write but it’s the truth.

  I prefer Mrs S to my own mother.

  There, I’ve said it!

  My bloody mother called this morning and said that it was for the best that Mrs S was moving because then I wouldn’t be lumbered anymore and I might get myself a “nice new neighbour”.

  She really doesn’t have ONE ounce of sensitivity in her body and I hate the fact that I sprung from her loins.

  PM

  Ned did his best to cheer me up last night. We ordered a take-away and settled at the table with a bottle of bubbly as a special treat - we’re not that posh that we have it as a staple.

  When we got to discussing Mrs S, Ned had an excellent thought.

  “What we need to do, Lib, is wait until Pritesh decides on the right home for her and then start house-hunting in that area - that way we can still be close to her and we get to have the move we wanted.”

  Rewarded my very clever and thoughtful husband in the way only a good wife could.

  Wednesday 29th April

  Things are hotting up for the beauty contest next week. Inches are visibly disappearing from waistlines and being added to busts. Highlights and extensions are being introduced and various shades of tanning from subtle to overtly orange.

  I’d imagine that takings in salons and gyms around the south west London area have gone up considerably in the last month or so.

  Fenella has decided against entering the contest as she feels her baby belly hasn’t quite packed its bags yet. She looks bloody good to me and I actually think she could win it hands down without any enhancements.

  “No Sweedie,” she told me, “there are mothers who are far more in need of an ego boost than I am and I’d hate to rob them of their moment of glory.”

  Just a little part of me made me wish she’d enter - her post-baby boobs are looking fantastic and it would be one in the eye (so to speak) to all those fake mums.

  Thursday 30th April

  Nic called to say that all the test results are back and unfortunately it’s not looking great. Usually it’s incredibly difficult to diagnose Hunter syndrome in a baby but, due to Mikhail’s ‘different’ look, it would appear that an early decision has been made.

  He’s going to be a very poorly boy and may not live beyond his teens. We can only live in hope that more research leads to a brighter outlook and something can be done for him.

  Obviously Nic and Rick are devastated and having to slowly come to terms with all that they’ve learned. Olga is being hugely supportive by all accounts and has decided to begin fundraising for studies into the disease.

  Told Nic I’d have a word with H&B and see if maybe the school could get involved in some way as well.

  PM

  Mrs S is now thoroughly bored in hospital. I arrived to find her plugged into her iPod - her new toy - humming away to Bazza with her eyes closed and her head resting back on her pillow.

  She suddenly looked so tiny. I wanted to pick her up and snuggle her like a baby, just to make everything OK again.

  I sat down quietly next to her and touched her hand gently. She opened her eyes and smiled at me as she removed her headphones. “Oh Libbybeta, you are such a good girl to be visiting me every day! And your lovely friend, Fenella was here earlier too. As she would say, “I am going out of my frigging mind with boredom in here”!”

  She seems much brighter in herself though and is now fully accepting the fact that she’ll be unable to live alone. Told her about our plans to move near to her and she was delighted. “You are such a dear friend to me, Libbybeta. I am very lucky to have you.”

  Told her I was the lucky one and we plugged in an earphone each and listened to Bazza in mono, tunelessly singing along together.

  Friday 1st May

  I’ve had no texts for a few days so I’m living in hope that they have really stopped this time. Every time I think that though, another one pops up, so I won’t breathe a sigh of relief just yet.

  Pritesh seems to have found a lovely residential home a couple of miles down the road. It’s in a street that we’d always had aspirations of moving to - great houses with good sized gardens - so we’re starting to get the blurb from estate agents.

  Think Max may have ideas a little above his station (or been mixing with wealthy kids for too long) as he’s drawn up a list of requirements for the house.

  OUR NEW HOUSE MUST HAVE:

  Swimming pool

  Tree house

  Wendy house

  Games room

  Family cinema

  Gym

  Swing, climbing frame, slide and trampoline

  Bedrooms for Dog, Dot and Stripe with their own beds

  Thankfully, when I told him that the only possibilities on the list were the garden toys but we’d be closer to the local swimming pool, he seemed happy enough.

  Still got his feet on the ground, my boy!

  PM

  Fenella called tonight to say that all is set for the christenings on the 17th.

  “I just spoke to Nic and he said that they feel the sooner the better for them. It’s so sad about darling Mikhail, isn’t it? I’ve been wracking my brains to come up with ideas to help Olga with the fundraising, just so that I feel I’m doing something.”

  Told her I’d spoken to H&B and that they’re happy for us to donate 10% of all this year’s CCL’s funds. We’re already on target, thanks to Patience’s dad, so it’s not as if we’re short-changing anyone. And it’s still Changing Children’s Lives.

  Fenella said that was fantastic and that Olga had come up with some great ideas that, once we stepped down from CCL in the summer, we could help her with.

  “Time to put our skills to use elsewhere, Lib. And I might just have a little idea of my own up my sleeve.”

  She sounded cagey - a cagey Fenella is never good. Believe me, I know these things.

  Saturday 2nd May

  Mrs S is coming out of hospital on Monday and she’ll be going straight to ‘The Oaks’. She’d been really lucky to be offered a place so quickly and I think she’s quite looking forward to it now. She realises she’ll have more company throughout the day and that’s helping her to look on the bright side.

  I’ve told her I’ll be there waiting with Desmond when she arrives and I can help her settle in.

  Got her house keys from Pritesh and made sure I got all her special bits and bobs ready to put in her room for her arrival.

  Her giant framed Bazza photo will look great above her bed and the frilly Copacabana suit he’s sporting should give the nurses a laugh.

  PM

  Spent the evening ploughing through details for houses and we’ve narrowed it down to five that we want to view. The sooner we see them, the sooner we can be closer to Mrs S.

  The house I like the most is practically next door to the home so it will feel like nothing’s changed.

  I know I’m kidding myself. Quite a lot has changed for poor Mrs S but I live in hope that this move will provide the comfort for her twilight years.

  Sunday 3rd May

  Have to do my daughterly duty and have Mum and Bert over for lunch today. Elle’s coming with baby Gracie and ‘big-balls’ Harriet will pop in if she can spare the time.

  I know she’s my mother but she just does my head in and always leaves me in a foul mood. Surely that’s not normal?

  PM

  Good old Mum never lets us down.

  And she was doing so well. She told me I looked nice and didn’t follow it with a ‘but’, she commented on the delicious food and she congratulated us on our moving house news.

  Then she went in the kitchen to get a glass of water and came back in carrying my mobile and squinting at the screen.

  “Text for you here, Libby. Says ‘You won’t get away with it, I’ll make sure of it.’ What’s that all about then?”

  They left soon after that a
nd I don’t, for one minute, think they believed my excuse that it was just a daft text from Lou.

  I think Mum might have liked to stay and press me a little further on the subject but Bert ushered her to the door, with Elle and Harriet following and giving me quizzical looks.

  Monday 4th May

  So the texts haven’t stopped then and I still don’t have a clue what to do about them. Who knows about my minor indiscretion and why do they want to punish me?

  Somebody must really dislike me and I can’t think what their motivation might be. What could I possibly have done that affected anyone else to make them want to torment me this way?

  I’d do my usual and write a list if I could think of any suspects but I just can’t. OK, so I’ve had my run-ins with Gestapo in the past but I don’t think that even she’d stoop that low. I’ve been looked down on for being poor and then disliked for coming into money - but surely none of that warrants this kind of treatment?

  No time to dwell on it anymore. Got to get off to ‘The Oaks’ to be part of Mrs S’s welcoming party.

  PM

  I really think Mrs S is going to be very happy. We’ve made her room look as homely as possible and Pritesh and Patience had bought flowers and chocolates. Skunk and Silver are cutting a holiday short to go in and see her tomorrow.

  I bought her a cheap pay-as-you-go mobile and spent some time teaching her to text - I want her to feel she can contact any of us whenever she wants to.

  We toasted her new life with a small Babycham and the bloom came back to her cheeks. She loved the fact that Desmond was cheerfully chirping in his cage by the window and we left her happily having lunch with an elderly gentleman called Harry and telling him all about the upcoming wedding and her new grandchild.

  Met Ned at our first house viewing and, I’m happy to report, it will be our last. Our ideal family house, which we instantly knew was for us and within spitting distance of Mrs S.

  It’s so close I’ll probably be able to hear Desmond on a good day with a following wind and all the windows open.

  Tuesday 5th May

  No 22 Flood Street is just made for us - the vendors have no chain and they’ve accepted our offer. All we need to do now is sell ours quickly and we’re away.

  We’ve got three viewers booked for this afternoon so I’ve been frantically cleaning and doing all the ‘how to sell your house’ tips - brewing coffee, baking bread, spraying the dogs with Chanel No 9. Dog looked most disgruntled but he seemed to cheer up when I explained that he’d have a bigger garden to run around in if we moved.

  Then he let off an almighty Pedigree Chum fart and all my good work was ruined.

  PM

  Got a text from Mrs S!

  HLIB I X

  Gave her a quick call to try to decipher the code. Might need to give her a few more lessons as all she’d been trying to say was ‘HI LIBBY I LOVE MY NEW PHONE X’

  Wednesday 6th May

  One set of viewers seemed very keen on the house and said they’d be getting back to the estate agent with an offer.

  When the agent rang with the news it was almost a piss-take. They’d dropped twenty grand off the asking price and it was as much as I could do not to tell our friendly spiv Dean where they could shove their offer.

  Was feeling quite despondent and when I heard my mobile, signalling a text, I was fully expecting the worst - another threat.

  Instead I was delighted to receive this from Pritesh:

  GOT A GUY INTERESTED IN BUYING BOTH THE COTTAGES TO KNOCK THRU INTO 1. CAN WE POP ROUND AT 8?

  Yippee! How sweet that our house will be joined with Mrs S’s. Quite fitting I think.

  PM

  Mr Andopoulos was a delightful Greek Cypriot with bucket loads of dosh and the roundest little tummy I’ve ever seen on a man.

  The two cottages are exactly what he’s looking for, he’s a cash buyer, instantly offered the asking price and everything is just perfect. We could be in our new house as quickly as six weeks from now.

  I just know that this is meant to be because everything has fallen into place so seamlessly.

  Thursday 7th May

  The chatter at the school gates is fizzing with excitement for tomorrow night. Gestapo announced that she’s “selflessly” made the decision to become a contestant as she feels it would be a totally altruistic gesture for her charity and she’d never forgive herself if she passed up the opportunity to volunteer her services for such a worthy cause.

  Oh how nice of her. What a delightful thing to do. Stupid cow! Hope she falls on her ridiculously skinny arse and breaks her fake nose in the process.

  Altruistic, my fanny!

  PM

  Ned suggested that I change my mobile phone number to see if it makes any difference to the texts. I can see his point but it’s such a hassle as just about everyone at the school would have to know my new number anyway and it would still have to be printed on all the CCL letters. Assuming it’s someone at the school …

  I’m going to stick it out and hope that it dies a natural death. Surely they’ll get bored eventually when they realise I’m not rising to the bait.

  Another text from Mr S.

  “HARRY HAS TAUGHT ME TO TEXT. I AM EXPERT NOW. LOL X”

  LOL! Harry sounds a hoot and I’m so happy she’s made a friend. Must have a proper chat with him on my next visit. See if he’s suitable for her and check out his credentials.

  Phone call from Lou - surprise, surprise, they’re not coming to London. She’s decided that the trains travel too fast and driving isn’t an option because it would mean being on the motorway and they would surely die.

  I just give up!

  Friday 8th May

  Beauty Contest tonight

  Didn’t see Fenella at the gates this morning, which was odd as we’d arranged to meet for coffee. Tried her mobile, which was switched off, so I called her home number. Josh answered and said that he was on household duty for a couple of days and she was having a day out, but he had not idea where she was.

  “Sadly, Lib, if I know my wife, wherever she is it will involve spending copious amounts of money and returning home with a pile of shiny carrier bags to have something new for tonight. If you should manage to track her down, wrestle her to the ground and save my credit cards. Please!”

  Thought it a bit strange that she’d let me down without a word of warning but thought no more of it as I had coffee with Patience and Rachel instead.

  We’re all sharing a table tomorrow night along with Jenny and Colin, the Anti-Meemies and their other halves. Looking forward to a good giggle and wearing my ‘new’ charity shop dress.

  It’s ‘Ghost’ for goodness sake and only fifteen quid - why would I want to buy new?

  PM

  No Fenella at the gates again at pick-up and I got lumbered with Barbie for ten minutes telling me all about her preparations for this evening.

  Her teeth are now so white I practically needed sunglasses. They reminded me of the scene in ‘Friends’ when Ross overdoes the whitening process. They’re really quite mesmerizing and I found myself talking purely to them in much the same way as Letchy would do to her tits.

  Gestapo jogged past with her personal trainer and waved across. “One last run to get the endorphins going for tonight, then it’s off to the salon. Laters, ladies.”

  Letchy stopped in his tracks as he watched her make her way across the road, his head darting from side to side like a Wimbledon tennis spectator, trying to decide whether to ogle Gestapo in spray-on Lycra or cop any eyeful of Barbie’s gleaming cleavage.

  Oh I’m so looking forward to tonight!

  Saturday 9th May

  ‘An evening that will go down in history’, is all I can say about last night.

  Well no, that’s not strictly true, there’s a whole heap more I can say about it but I have to be able to do it justice and get down all the juiciest facts.

  Oh, where do I begin?

  First off we arrived in the school
hall, which had been totally transformed. A central cat-walk ran down to meet the stage, silk curtains framed the area and the tables and seating area were fitting of an Oscar ceremony.

  The ‘judges’ - Letchy, Actor-Wankor and Dan - were all dolled up in DJ’s and bow ties and seated behind a velvet-covered table sipping champagne and taking themselves far too seriously. Although, I have to say, Dan looked slightly uncomfortable at the thought of spending a night looking at mothers in swimwear. Letchy, on the other hand, was ruddy-faced and positively sweating at the prospect of the night ahead. He was even rubbing his podgy little hands together just as I’d imagine he’d do at ‘Spearmint Rhino’.