Her obsession with Kasey had caused her to practically ignore her dance partner. “I’m sorry I haven’t been very good company. I’ve got a lot on my mind right now.”
“That’s okay,” the woman replied as they parted. “Maybe we can dance again.”
Back at the table alone, Connie had a minute to think.
She hadn’t meant to be rude or inattentive. But this obsession was unrelenting. It made her very warm. It filled her with anxiety. At times, she was even uncomfortable. Yet she didn’t want to be anywhere else or with anyone else. All she wanted, she realized, was to be the one in Kasey’s arms.
Kasey’s voice startled her from her thoughts. “I see you survived your first slow dance.”
“Did you doubt I would?”
“Not that you would survive it, maybe that you would enjoy it.”
“She wouldn’t have been my first choice, but it was enjoyable enough.” She waited for a reply that never came, while Kasey sipped her drink and surveyed the crowd in silence. Was she looking for the dancer in black? Thinking about her? Patience, even with Kasey, waned. “Tell me something,” Connie said. ‘“Assuming everyone in here is gay and single—” her eyes held Kasey’s “—which one would you most want to dance with?”
Kasey looked down at her glass, swirling the ice cubes around for what seemed like a long time. Connie watched her. Kasey was pensive, serious. Then she looked up at Connie again. Connie had not seen that expression before. It made her heart jump. Without a word, Kasey stood and held out her hand.
Connie’s heart leaped as she looked into her eyes. “I thought you’d never ask.”
Taking her hand, Connie let Kasey lead her to the dance floor and take her in her arms. The sense of intimacy as her breasts pressed between Kasey’s and her forehead touched the side of her face surpassed any she had ever felt. Beyond the hugs of a friend, as tight as they could be, and deeper than the sincerest tears, their embrace said something that had never been said. And suddenly everything was very clear. Connie was in love with Kasey Hollander. The signs had been there for a long time: uncomfortable anxiety whenever they were apart for more than a day, her heart pounding the beat of a school-girl crush, and the incredible shocks of electricity shooting magically from the blue eyes to the center of her. Everything she should have felt for a man and never did. She felt that, and more, for this woman with emotions so like her own. She was the reason for the fullness in her heart, and why there was no emptiness. Yes, Kasey had touched her heart. Connie found herself playing back the words to the song Kasey had sung with Tom. No, no one had ever touched her heart like this before.
A lesbian is a woman who falls in love with another woman. Kasey’s own prophetic words. It didn’t matter what anyone called her love for Kasey. It was there and she would not deny it.
She had not given a lot of conscious effort to understanding love in the past. She assumed such things took care of themselves; love would happen when it happened, and you would know it when it was there. Statistics, tax bases, percentiles—those were the things that took analytical thought and that she was quite good at. Applying the same process to matters of the heart, however, proved to be a slow, ineffective approach. No wonder it took so long to figure out what her heart was saying. All along, the empty places she had ignored for so long were being filled naturally as she fell in love. What she had to do now was figure out how she was going to tell Kasey.
Shyness not being one of her own shortcomings, she pulled Kasey’s hand around to the small of her back and placed her own hand on the back of Kasey’s neck. As she leaned the full length of her body against her, Kasey’s arms tightened around her and she felt a warm surge of electricity. Kasey’s heart pounding hard against her chest and her face gently nuzzling against Connie’s made one thing obvious—the physical attraction was mutual. The feel of Kasey’s body moving against her own began to make her warm. The temptation was to tell her now, but she didn’t want anything to change this moment. She wanted to enjoy this feeling as long as possible. Closing her eyes, she pressed her lips against Kasey’s neck.
As the music tapered off, she whispered, “There’s something I have to tell you.” Kasey released her embrace and looked directly into Connie’s eyes. Connie hesitated, fixed on the blueness. Something kept the words from coming out. Maybe fear, maybe being in the middle of the dance floor. Nevertheless, before the words could be said, someone interrupted her chance. A hand on her arm brought her attention to one of the women who had asked her to dance. “Hey, why didn’t you just say you two were together? It’s cool,” she said with a big smile.
There was silence until they reached the table. “The smoke’s starting to get to me. Would you mind if we start for home?” Kasey asked.
“No, that’s fine. It is awfully thick.”
They picked up their things. Kasey once again covered her wonderful body with her jacket, and they started for the exit.
They were stopped before reaching the door by the woman in jeans that Connie had danced the slow dance with. With her arm around Connie’s waist, she slipped a piece of paper into her hand and whispered something in her ear. Kasey, already halfway out the door, looked back just as the woman kissed Connie on the cheek. Kasey hesitated, but when Connie smiled and said something in return, Kasey decided it was nothing to worry about. Seconds later, Connie was out the door right behind her.
“Hey, hot stuff,” Kasey smiled. “I thought I was going to have to come and get you.”
“I never expected some woman’s phone number tonight,” she said, handing the paper to Kasey.
“Don’t give it to me; she’s not my type.”
“Well, I told her I’ve got a girlfriend.”
“What? You heartbreaker.”
“Better now than later, I always say.”
Kasey laughed and shook her head. “And I was worried about you? Silly me.”
“Listen, you weren’t Miss Innocence all night, so don’t even pretend. You know how those women were looking at you. They were probably just too intimidated to offer their phone numbers.”
“No, they did.”
“Really? So what did you tell them?”
“That I was entering a convent next week.”
Connie burst out laughing at the thought, and Kasey joined her. “So what’d they say?”
“They wanted to know which one.”
Their laughter was good, a release of tension and a gentle erasure of worry. It filled a healthy portion of their time together, along with everything else they shared. Their relationship had all the right ingredients, and they both recognized it. And now for Connie, the revelation of love had made it perfect. But she was as nervous as she was excited.
“I haven’t even wished you a happy birthday yet,” exclaimed Kasey, as they stopped in her drive. She reached into a bag on the floor and handed Connie a small narrow box. “Happy birthday.”
“Kasey, taking me to the club was enough. You shouldn’t have got me anything.”
“I love to give presents. So humor me.”
When Connie saw the gold bracelet, she replied quietly, “Kasey, it’s beautiful.”
“Here, put it on.” Kasey fastened the clasp, locking the bracelet around Connie’s wrist.
“I know you spent too much, but I love it.”
Kasey looked up just as Connie leaned forward. Without warning, Connie kissed her tenderly on the lips. Despite her heart trying to jump from her chest, she gave Kasey no time to react. She grasped the back of her neck and carefully pulled their lips together again. There was no resistance. Kasey’s mouth was warm and smelled of alcohol and spearmint. Her lips were sensuous and soft, yielding to the gentle pressure of Connie’s mouth. She was kissing her, as Kasey said, the way she had always wanted to be kissed. And as she did so, Kasey parted her lips, yielding completely. She had never felt anything as sexual, had never been so aroused. She entered, tasted the warm wetness with her tongue, and explored her gently. Then pressing her open
mouth against Kasey’s, she invited her in, along with the ache that had begun deep in her abdomen. Connie felt the velvety touch of Kasey’s tongue, felt her move into her, felt the touch of her hand on her thigh. Excitement was overtaking her, awakening her senses to a brilliance she’d never known. For the first time in her life, she wanted sex, and she wanted it with Kasey. The kiss began to take on a life of its own, her senses gaining the edge of control. And that was okay. She had never felt this good. Then, in a transition, when their lips were barely touching, Connie whispered, “I’m in love with you.”
Abruptly, as if slapped into reality, Kasey pulled back. Her eyes darkened with fear. “No, Connie, no,” she whispered. “You can’t—I can’t.”
Before there was time to respond, Kasey bolted from the car like a frightened deer, leaving Connie shocked and confused. Connie leaned her head back against the seat and tried to clear her mind. Her body, warm and wet, still felt the effects of their kisses. “What? What?” she asked aloud.
Minutes went by, she didn’t know how many, before she finally drove home. If her interpretation was correct, she’d just been rejected, and it felt terrible. No wonder men hated it. It made her remember the dream she used to have as a young girl. In the dream, she was always somewhere public when suddenly she would realize that she was naked from the waist up. Desperately she would try to cover herself with her arms, and escape the laughing faces. It left her feeling embarrassed and stupid for being in that position. Just like now. Yet despite her embarrassment, the one person she found herself needing to talk to about it was Kasey. She was, in fact, her best friend. And nothing was going to change that.
Seventeen
Spending most of Saturday and Sunday with her family at the hospital helped pass the time. Connie tried calling Kasey late into the night, both nights, with no luck. Time wasn’t making it any easier. Even the strings of her guitar held no solace. Her fingers missed their mark, lost their place. She tried to think, but thinking only brought tears. Work today had been difficult at best.
She dialed Kasey’s number again. To her surprise, Kasey answered on the second ring. “Hi,” Connie greeted, trying to sound casual. “I tried to call all weekend.”
“I was at the cabin. I needed some time alone. How’s your mom?”
“She’s doing pretty good. Her voice is getting a little stronger. We all spent the weekend with her.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t get up to see her today.”
“She asked where her angel was.”
“I missed seeing her, too. I’ll go up tomorrow.”
An uncomfortable silence followed. Connie waited. She wanted Kasey to be the first to bring it up, but the silence continued. Finally Connie said, “Can we get together and talk?”
“I think we should give it a little more time. I’ll give you a call later in the week. Okay?”
“If that’s what you want.” She hesitated. “I’ll miss you. Have a good week.”
“You too.”
Connie lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling.
She was sure it was wiser not to let Kasey know how upset she was, not to chance an even worse reaction. But nothing so far in her life had prepared her for the situation she found herself in now. Falling in love with a woman certainly had not been in her future plans, and it seemed dealing with that should be enough. Her coping skills did not include dealing with Kasey’s reaction. The possibility that Kasey was not in love with her was real and almost unbearable. But if that was the case, she would have to find a way to keep her best friend and make her heart behave. Whatever it took.
Eighteen
Troy stopped in the hallway of the new job site, a column of light fixture boxes balanced in his arms. “Sharon, where does Kasey want these?”
“I don’t know, Troy. You’d better ask her. You don’t want to put them in the wrong room today.”
“Where is she?”
Before Sharon could answer, Kasey’s voice resonated from the kitchen, “Dammit!” Sharon raised her eyebrows and pointed.
“Gotcha,” he grinned.
“Kase, where do you want these fixtures?”
“I don’t really care, Troy. On the roof if you like,” she replied from under the sink. “This whole damn thing has to be ripped out.”
“Something I can do to help?”
“Yeah, light a match to this place.”
“Hey, maybe it’s time for a break,” he suggested, setting the boxes down.
“Sorry,” she grumbled, crawling out from under the sink. “I haven’t had any patience all week.”
Hesitantly he asked, “Is this that week of the month?”
“No. Bet you can’t wait ’til that week.”
“Listen, Kase, maybe it’s none of my business, but it’s been obvious all week that something’s wrong. You may think you keep your feelings to yourself, but you don’t. We can tell by your moods and by the way you work around here if you’re happy or sad ... or mad. The only thing you keep to yourself is why. Maybe it would help if you just told somebody.”
Without looking at him, she tossed the wrench under the sink. “You’re right,” she said, leaving the room. “It’s none of your business.”
Sharon looked out the side door on her way to the kitchen and stopped when she saw Kasey at the tailgate of the truck. She headed for the driveway to help, but as she came around the front of the truck, she could see that Kasey was resting her head on folded arms on the top of the tailgate. “Kase,” Sharon said, reaching out to gently massage the back of Kasey’s neck. “You okay?”
Kasey spoke into the space between her chest and the tailgate. “I just snapped at Troy for no reason.” After a pause, she lifted her head. “I know I’ve been rough to work with all week. I’m sorry.”
“Anything I can do to help?”
“No, I’ll just have to work things out myself. I don’t mean to take things out on you two. It’s just been a helluva week.”
“I know you don’t want to hear it again, but I think it would do you a world of good to come to the party tomorrow night. You don’t socialize enough. You need to get outside yourself a little bit and have fun.”
“I know, I know. I’ll think about it. Thanks for understanding.” She straightened her posture and opened the tailgate. “Guess we’d better get back to work.”
Nineteen
Connie crammed as much into three days and three nights as was humanly possible. She wanted no empty time, no spaces for thought. Keeping busy until she was totally exhausted was the only way she could sleep. A calm and logical mind failed when thoughts of Kasey were triggered. The combination of stresses and lack of sleep taxed her stamina and emotional strength, and once again she found herself completely drained. Her patience was thin, her tolerance low.
How long she could maintain patience with Kasey, she didn’t know. Her anxiety was at an all-time high. She fought being angry with her. She needed desperately to talk to her.
The loud ringing of the telephone next to her head startled her. The sound of Kasey’s voice increased her heartbeat even more.
Kasey’s voice was soft and clear. “How are you?”
“Not good. How about you?”
“Not much better.”
“Tell me what you’ve been thinking.” There was a pause. “Kasey, I can’t take not talking to you.”
Finally, “We crossed the line, Connie. There’s no changing it or pretending it didn’t happen.”
“I don’t want to pretend it didn’t happen. I know how I feel, Kasey.”
Kasey’s voice rose a level, gained firmness. “You have no idea what being a lesbian is all about, Connie. What you saw at the club is not the true picture. I tried to tell you that. It’s not that easy.”
“It doesn’t matter what it entails. The truth is, I cannot deny how I feel. That’s impossible for me. I will just learn to live as a lesbian.”
“You’re so damn naive! Think about what could happen if your family found out,
or your boss. Look what happened when Greg only suspected. Do you want to deal with reactions like that for the rest of your life?”
“No, I don’t want to. But it isn’t really a choice. Is it?” There was only silence from Kasey’s end. When she couldn’t stand it any longer, Connie asked, “Are you going to honestly tell me how you feel about me?”
Continued silence. Connie resisted saying anything more. After a few more uncomfortable seconds, Kasey cleared her throat. Has she been crying? “Kasey, I’ve got to see you.”
Kasey’s voice was soft once again. “No, not for a while. We both need some time.”
Tears were now running down Connie’s face. “Please, Kasey. I’ll do anything you want. We’ll just be friends again. Please, promise me you won’t give up on our friendship.”
The voice on the other end wavered noticeably. “It could never be the same.”
Connie struggled through her tears. “Do you love me?”
“Don’t . . .”
“I’ll wait—”her voice barely escaped now through a quickly tightening throat “—for you to call.” Connie heard the click at the other end and hung up. “I love you,” she whispered, then buried her face in the pillow and cried.
Twenty
Through the charcoal grayness of nightfall, Kasey watched the figures of the women as they made their way around the cars in front of Sharon’s house. She didn’t know how many women had passed since she had arrived. And she wasn’t sure why it was so difficult for her to get out of the car. They weren’t strangers. Most of these women she knew, except for Sharon’s friends from New York. But it had been a long time since she’d been to a party. Maybe enough time had gone by for everyone to forget about the state of her love life. She hoped so. She didn’t want it to be an issue tonight.
Marianne K. Martin - Love in the Balance Page 9