A LaLa Land Addiction

by Ashley Antoinette

  “Wait a minute,” he said seriously as he lifted her off him. “I need to talk to you about something. It’s important.”

  Naomi frowned and motioned for him to sit down as she grabbed her short silk kimono robe off the back of the chair. She slid her arms into the soft fabric, then had a seat next to him.

  “What’s up?” she asked.

  “I know Bleu showing up is awkward for you, but she’s going to be around. She’ll be staying with us for a minute,” he said.

  “Excuse me?” Naomi asked.

  “She’s pregnant and she’s strung out. There isn’t anything you have to worry about. I just need you to ride this out with me. When she’s on her feet she’ll get her own spot. It’s only temporary,” Noah said. “Can you handle that?”

  Naomi was seeing red. She wanted to tell Noah to choose, but she had seen the bond between Bleu and Noah. Naomi was afraid she would lose if she left it up to him. “Yeah, okay. You should help your friend.”

  Noah pulled her on top of him and kissed her deeply. There was no way Naomi was just going to let Bleu come to town and take her spot. She didn’t care if they were friends or not; the only woman Naomi was playing second to was Noah’s mama. This affection that Noah had for Bleu was more than irritating Naomi. It was too intimate. As Naomi untied her robe she thought to herself, I’m going to get rid of this bitch one way or another.

  20

  “I can’t do this. I can’t … it’s too hard,” Bleu whispered as she gripped the sink in the guest room of Noah’s home. Her doctor had warned her about this feeling, about the pain and the inevitable depression that would hit her in the days following her release. Her body was going through detox, and because she was pregnant they couldn’t give her medicine to help with the extreme changes her body was going through. Bleu had been using for so long that she had changed the dopamine levels in her brain. Dopamine helped manage pain, emotional and physical. It was what made an orgasm feel so good and what made a splinter in a finger feel like no big deal. Without it in her system everything was magnified. From emotional wounds to physical bumps and bruises, Bleu felt it all. She had to purge her system of its impurities, and doing it cold turkey was proving to be unbearable.

  “Yes, you can, Bleu,” Noah said as he came up behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders. She cringed at his touch; even her skin hurt.

  “Stop saying that! You don’t know! You have no idea what I’m going through!” Bleu shouted. She was taking her frustration out on him, but he wasn’t taking it personally. He knew life had beaten her up. She was facing an uphill climb and getting to a place of healing wouldn’t be easy. He reached around her body and placed a hand on her stomach. “Just think about why you’re doing this, B. It’s important. Remember how you felt when Sienna used to run the streets instead of taking care of you? How you used to feel being the daughter of two crackheads?”

  Bleu looked at him through the reflection in the mirror. He could see by the look in her eyes that she remembered it vividly. Pain resonated within her.

  “Remember that feeling. You don’t want this baby to feel like that,” Noah said.

  Naomi came into the room with a plate of food and halted uncomfortably, as if she had walked in on an intimate moment between lovers.

  Her face fell. She scoffed as she rolled her eyes, set down the plate, and walked out. Her anger was apparent and Noah removed his hand.

  “You better go deal with that,” Bleu said. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to complicate things between y’all. Maybe I should just go to a rehab center.”

  “You’re not complicating anything and you ain’t going nowhere. I don’t want you worrying about anything except getting better,” he said. “It’ll get better. Y’all just have to get to know one another, because nobody is going anywhere. You’re here and she’s here and I’m here. We just got to make it work.” He nodded toward the plate of food. “She ain’t ever even cooked for me. She’s jealous, but she is trying. Just give it time. Eat and get dressed. You’ve got to say good-bye to Sienna today.”

  Bleu nodded as she watched him walk out of the room. She walked over to the plate and picked it up. “Bitch probably spat in it,” Bleu said before throwing it in the trash.

  It didn’t matter if Naomi tried or not; in truth it didn’t even matter what Noah did to Bleu right now. Everyone pissed her off. She was mad at the world. Everything irritated her. The world around her seemed dismal. She felt like she was drowning in front of everyone and no one could swim well enough to save her. She didn’t know how she would survive the day. All eyes would be on her as she put her mother in the ground, and she didn’t want to be in the spotlight. Not like this. Not when she was most vulnerable. Bleu had lost control of her life. She was terrified that she would end up just like her mother. With a kid who hated her because she loved dope more than she loved her own seed. It was so much easier to just stay in the clouds than to face the consequences of reality.

  She turned and looked at the black dress Noah had purchased for her.

  It was a pretty way to cover up the ugly person she had become.

  She snatched the dress off the rack and rushed into the en suite bathroom to try to clean herself up as best she could. She didn’t want to be the focus of today. She wanted to blend in with everyone else who attended and let Sienna be laid to rest without making a mockery out of her memory.

  * * *

  If the goal was to blend in, Bleu failed miserably. As she stepped out of the bedroom, she glowed. She may have been going through her own personal hell, but with her face made up to perfection, the Fendi dress, six-inch heels adorning her feet, and her hair pulled back into a sleek chignon, she looked like she had stepped straight out of heaven. She was thin but still beautiful, and seeing her took Noah’s breath away. Bleu didn’t look like what she had been through. God had kept her through it all. Naomi felt like someone had punched her in the gut when she saw the awestruck look on Noah’s face.

  “I’m not ready for this, but I guess I have to be,” Bleu said, just above a whisper.

  “Let’s go bury your mother, B,” Noah said.

  The three of them were silent on the way to the church. Bleu didn’t feel comfortable speaking about her feelings in front of Naomi, so she opted to say nothing at all. Instead she looked out the window as the city passed her by. When they passed the apartments where Noah had found her, she tensed. Bleu closed her eyes as the stress of the world rested on her shoulders. It was that same stress that made her want to get high because she knew that it could all just go away with one little puff.

  She bit her inner cheek, drawing blood as she listened to the sound of her heart beating. She was in the middle of her detox period. It only takes ten days to flush the immediate drugs out of your system, the doctor had said. After that your body will begin to feel normal; it’s your mind that will make it hard for you to stay detoxified after that. The doctor had warned her. Bleu had to get her mind right. Once she trained her brain to function independently of the faux happiness that crack gave her, she would be able to find true joy without the aid of any stimulant. She couldn’t wait for the day.

  When she, Naomi, and Noah arrived at the church Bleu couldn’t bring herself to get out. Her angry stomach twisted violently and she didn’t know if it was a part of the process or if it was her nerves. She took a deep breath as Noah held open the back door for her.

  “I need a bathroom. I feel like I’m going to throw up,” she told him. She rushed inside the church.

  “I’ll check on her,” Naomi said. “You get seated. I’ll get Bleu together and we’ll find you in the front.”

  Noah looked at her in shock, and as she walked away he grabbed her hand, spinning her back toward him. He kissed her lips, giving her a quick peck. “Thank you.”

  “Anything for you,” she said with a wink before turning on her heels and going after Bleu.

  When Naomi entered the bathroom she could hear Bleu inside one of the stalls. Naom
i frowned as the smell of vomit filled the small room. “You good in there?” Naomi called out.

  The toilet flushed and Bleu cleared her throat before coming out. The last funeral she had been to had been her father’s, and she knew from the hole in her heart that this one would be no easier. It had been a week to the day since Sienna had killed herself and Bleu was six days into a lifetime sentence of recovery. They had been the most excruciating six days of her life.

  Bleu bypassed Naomi and bent over the sink to rinse her mouth.

  “Here,” Naomi said, handing her a stick of gum. “You fucked up your beat,” Naomi added, referring to Bleu’s makeup job. She pulled a compact out of her Chanel bag. “Here, let me fix you up. That woman popped you out her pussy. You can’t come to her funeral looking crazy. Let’s get you all the way together before you step out there. Better adjust your crown, girl.” Bleu stood still as Naomi grabbed a paper towel and wiped the tears from Bleu’s face before fixing her running mascara and smudged foundation. “You know, I’m really sorry about your mom,” Naomi said. “I can’t even act like I know what you’re going through. Then with the withdrawal and everything I know it’s tough.” Bleu fanned herself, feeling abnormally hot as Naomi continued. “I mean look at you. Your body is all fucked up. You can’t even control your temperature. You’re sweating like you ran a marathon.” Naomi put the compact in her purse and then reached inside and pulled out a vial of cocaine. “Look. I know you need a little pick-me-up. Just for today to make it through this funeral. It’s not like it’s crack or H. It’s just a little powder for you to balance you out. It’ll be our little secret. It’ll make you feel so much better. Handle your business and Noah and I will meet you up front.”

  She placed the vial in Bleu’s hands and gave her a tight-lipped smile before walking out. Naomi knew that once Noah discovered Bleu was getting high again she would be out on her ass. Naomi was tired of babysitting and watching Noah give all of his attention to Bleu. If Naomi had to sabotage Bleu’s recovery in order to get rid of her, then so be it.

  Bleu’s hands shook as she rushed to lock the bathroom door behind Naomi. She sighed in relief as she looked at herself in the mirror, knowing that this was exactly what she needed. It’s just a little coke, she thought. Bleu had forgotten that it was that same logic that had gotten her started on this horrific journey in the first place and she was about to succumb to the same thing that had led to Sienna’s demise.

  21

  “You all right? You was in there for a while,” Noah whispered as Bleu took her seat between him and Ms. Monica. Bleu met eyes with Naomi, who sat on Noah’s other side.

  Bleu nodded as she sniffed and blinked away her tears. “Will you go up there with me?” she asked.

  Noah stood and placed a hand on the small of her back as he led her up to Sienna’s coffin. He had spared no expense. “She looks so pretty,” Bleu said. “I’ve never seen her look so peaceful.”

  Bleu turned and looked at the handful of people who had shown up. The church was practically empty. Sienna had lived for fifty-one years and of all the people she had met only ten had bothered to come tell her good-bye. Bleu didn’t want to be like that. She didn’t want to die addicted and lonely, with a troubled soul. Bleu was terrified to leave behind a resentful, scarred child. Bleu wanted more and it wasn’t until she saw her mother lying in this casket did she truly realize that this life wasn’t for her. She had thought she would cry. She had thought that this day would be unbearably painful, but it wasn’t. It was freeing. She had finally received the message that Sienna had meant to deliver. Her death would not be in vain. Bleu would use her mother as the motivation she needed to get clean. Sienna had set the example not to follow. Bleu leaned over Sienna’s body and kissed her cheek; one tear fell onto her face. “Rest well, Ma. I forgive you. Thank you,” she whispered in her ear.

  Bleu turned to Noah. “I don’t want to sit through this entire thing. I need to get out of here,” she said. She hugged him tightly and slipped her hand into his inner jacket pocket. “Tell your girl thanks, but no thanks. I’m getting clean, Noah. I have to,” she replied.

  Bleu walked down the long aisle of the church and Noah frowned in confusion as he reached into his jacket to see what Bleu had placed there. When he pulled out the vial of cocaine fury took over him.

  He was on Naomi’s ass before he could even stop himself. He grabbed her up by the arm and snatched her down the aisle of the church.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you? Let me go!” Naomi shouted as she snatched her arm away.

  “You gave her this? You put this in her hands knowing what she’s struggling with? You that jealous?” Noah asked. Anger blazed in his voice, scorching her with every word that he spoke. He jabbed a stern finger in her face as he checked her. He had to calm himself to stop him from flying all the way off the handle with her. He had never laid a finger on a woman in his life, but Naomi was pushing him. He knew at that moment that he couldn’t be with her. This was a malicious side to her that he had not even met yet. Giving Bleu drugs was like giving a suicidal child a loaded gun. Naomi had tried to kill her.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Whatever that bitch told you—”

  Noah flung her off of him before she could finish her sentence, sending her flying to the floor in embarrassment. Ms. Monica came racing down the aisle. “Noah, go after Bleu,” Ms. Monica said as she bent down to help Naomi up.

  “This shit is a wrap,” Noah said to Naomi. “Being loyal to me means being loyal to the people I fuck with. She’s my friend—”

  “Friend?” Naomi scoffed as tears flooded her eyes and she dusted herself off. The entire church was watching the dramatic scene unfold and Noah wasn’t feeling the theatrics. He walked out, but Naomi was on his tail. He had started the argument, so she was ready to see it through. “Nigga, who you fronting for? I got eyes. I can see the shit that’s going on between you two. You got me fetching soup and you putting this bitch in my clothes while you praising the ground that her crackhead ass walks on!” Naomi shot back. “I ain’t got no friends that I treat better than my nigga.”

  “You ain’t got a nigga no more. No, you ain’t got to be worried or jealous at all,” he said, walking toward his truck.

  Ms. Monica grabbed Naomi. “Let him go. When a man wants to leave, you let him,” she said as Naomi folded like laundry in her arms.

  Noah sped out of the parking lot and turned onto the street, looking for Bleu. He spotted her about a block away and pulled up on her recklessly. “Get in, B,” he said.

  Bleu followed his command without hesitation and he skirted off, leaving burnt rubber on the pavement as they rode out back to his home.

  They didn’t speak. They didn’t need to. The fact that he had come after her without Naomi said enough. He reached over and grabbed Bleu’s hand and she intertwined her fingers with his. There wasn’t a person in the world who could make Noah let her go. She belonged to him, and as his heart pumped furiously as a reaction to their connection he began to realize that she meant more to him than what he would like to admit.

  When they pulled up to the house Bleu pulled back her hand and they sat awkwardly for a moment. “I’m sorry she did that to you. I’m sorry I even had somebody around you that had malice toward you,” he said.

  “It’s okay,” she said. “You just fell in love with a crazy bitch.” She smiled.

  “Is she really that crazy, B?” he asked seriously. “Shit between us has always been complicated, and there’s been so much going on since you got back. I know you’re dealing with this baby news and trying to stay clean. I’m trying to be here for all of that. Every day—”

  “You have been, Noah. You’ve done more than enough,” Bleu interrupted him.

  “With you, Bleu. I want to be with you and I’m tired of playing the back, waiting for the right time. I fuck with you, Bleu. The long way, and it ain’t poetic. I ain’t no fancy nigga selling you la-la land dreams, but I do love you,” he
said.

  “You don’t want me. You don’t love me. Like this,” she said, her eyes tearing. After all Bleu had done she didn’t think she was worthy of love.

  “I love you at your worst and I want to love you back to your best,” Noah admitted.

  “No,” she said as she opened her door and ran toward the front door.

  “Bleu!” Noah called after her as he climbed out, following her.

  “Just open the door, Noah,” she pleaded.

  “Why are you crying?” he asked, pinning her against the door as he looked down at her. She was so fragile, so insecure, and so broken. She had no idea how she looked through his eyes. If she did, she would love herself more.

  “Your expectations are too high for me, Noah! I’m not perfect Bleu anymore. I ain’t shit. I’m a girl who likes to get high. I’m a girl who isn’t even excited about her own baby. I hate this baby because I can’t smoke while it’s inside of me. I hate the way you look at me … like I’m this prize … this dream girl. I’m nothing. I’m nobody and I’m never going to be anything more than what you see now.”

  “Stop crying,” Noah said as he wiped her tears.

  “I wanted to sniff that coke today, Noah!” she shouted. “When Naomi gave me the drugs, I was this close to stuffing it up my nose,” she said, pinching her fingers together in front of his face. “I wanted it more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life. So don’t profess your love for me! Don’t stop fucking with Naomi for me, don’t change everything in your life for me, because I’m going to disappoint you. You don’t know shit about loving somebody like me. I do. I loved my mother and she let me down every time!” Bleu was shouting, trying to get Noah to understand that she wasn’t worth loving. “I have a baby inside me and I almost did a line of coke today,” she said in a defeated whisper as if she couldn’t believe it. “I’m so fucked up. I don’t even know how to go back. It’s like I might as well keep fucking up because it’s too late to be anything better.”