A LaLa Land Addiction

by Ashley Antoinette

  Noah squeezed his nose, struggling with seeing her this way. He looked to the side for a moment, gathering himself before he focused back on her. He grabbed her chin and forced her to stare directly into his eyes. “You almost sniffed that shit today, but you didn’t. A week ago you would have done it without thinking twice. That’s called growth, B. You have to acknowledge the small things you’re doing right. It’s not just about the end goal; it’s about making the right decision every day, every step of the way, every minute, until you don’t even think about putting another drug in your body. You’re making progress and that’s all you can do. I love you and I’m not going nowhere and you’re not going nowhere. Not this time. We did that already. We let life take us away from each other. We staying here this time, with each other, no matter how hard it gets,” he said. He kissed her and she melted into him. “You’ll be okay. I’m going to make sure of it,” he said. It was a promise that he would die before breaking.

  * * *

  Noah sat in his luxury basement, in front of a pile of money. The different denominations were stacked up so high that they were taller than him when he stood. He had sat there for hours, running the bills through a money machine, counting and recounting until he had come up with the total of $800,000. He wasn’t rich, but he wasn’t hurting either, especially considering the fact that his house was paid off; that money could last for a long time if he invested it wisely. The doorbell rang and he quickly covered the cash before heading upstairs. Bleu was sleeping. He didn’t want to wake her. The past few days had been rough, but she was finally out of the detox stage. It was the first night she had rested without tossing and turning. He snatched open the door.

  “Nigga, I told you to call when you pulled up,” Noah said as he greeted Messiah.

  “My fault, fam. You called me over here in the middle of the night. I was half-sleep when you called,” Messiah said. “What was so urgent that it couldn’t wait until morning?”

  “I’m out,” Noah said.

  “You out of what? Bread? Sugar? Milk? My nigga? Cuz I know you’re not saying what I think you’re saying,” Messiah said.

  “I’m out of the game, man,” Noah clarified as he rubbed the top of his head in stress.

  “This got anything to do with that girl?” Messiah asked. “We just got started. You got the plug. It’s so much money out here to make, bruh. We on our way to being legends, my g. You sure you want to give all this up?”

  “I’ll plug you and you can have everything we still got on the streets. I ain’t trying to leave you dry. It just ain’t for me,” Noah said.

  “Nigga, you took to this shit like a duck to water. What you mean, it ain’t for you?” Messiah asked in disbelief. “This green money ain’t for you?”

  “This shit got a foot on my girl’s neck, G. I can’t ask her to give this shit up if I’m still out here knee-deep in it. The money is good. It runs through my hands like water, but the way I’m getting it…” He paused as he thought of Bleu. “It got to be a better way.”

  “I dig it, fam. That’s one hunnid for real. You love your old lady. This her weakness, then you got to be her strength. That’s what a real man do,” Messiah said as he slapped hands with Noah.

  “No doubt,” Noah replied.

  “But you know Naomi around town talking reckless. She knows a lot,” Messiah said.

  “Let birds chirp, my nigga. It’s half my fault anyway. I should have cut shit off sooner than I did. She’ll get over it when she meet the next made nigga to get under,” Noah assured.

  Bleu cleared her throat as she entered the room and Messiah stood.

  “I’ll hit you tomorrow,” Messiah said. He nodded to Bleu. “What up, shorty doo-wop?” he said. “You getting your weight up. You look good. You never belonged out there anyway.”

  She smiled bashfully and looked at her feet as the men concluded their business.

  When Messiah was gone, Noah turned to Bleu. “Come here,” he said. She walked over to him and he pulled her into his arms. “I want to show you something.”

  He led her to the basement, and when Bleu saw the pile of money on the table she gasped.

  “I trust you. That’s why I’m showing you this. The combination to my safe is eleven, oh-eight, oh-seven, eighty-five. I just told Messiah I’m out of the game. I can’t support you if I’m still selling dope, Bleu. So I’m done. For you, I’m done,” Noah said.

  Bleu rushed into his arms and held him so tightly that it felt like their heartbeats had synced.

  “We still gon’ take over the world, B. We just have to find our way. That’s all,” he said.

  She looked up at him and suddenly just wanted to kiss him. Bleu wanted to feel him. She wanted to be with him. She couldn’t use dope, but she didn’t mind him being her drug.

  He wanted her just as much as she wanted him. She could feel his strength pressing into her, so when he pulled back she frowned in confusion.

  Lust filled the air, but embarrassment filled her as she said, “You don’t want me?”

  “I want you, but you’re growing life inside your right now, B. Another man’s seed,” Noah said. She lowered her head. “Let’s just wait until the time is right. When this baby comes, I’ll love it like it’s mine. I don’t feel no type of way about providing for you or about raising a baby with you. But doing this when your body is vulnerable and your mind is vulnerable doesn’t feel right.”

  She nodded and walked upstairs, wondering how many more awkward moments they would have before everything just felt normal between them.

  22

  I ain’t been right since you left L.A. I miss you.

  —Iman

  Bleu drew in a sharp breath as she stopped walking midstep. She hadn’t heard from him in five months, and now out of the blue here he was, sending text messages of endearment to her. She was just starting to get her life back on track. She had been clean for six months. They had been the hardest days of her life, but she had fought for every one. It was like the world drew Iman to her. As soon as she had started to move on with her life with Noah, Iman shot her a text out of the blue. For so many nights she had thought of him, missed him, and wondered if she should save her love for him instead of going forward with Noah 100 percent. Reading Iman’s words brought out so many emotions in her. It took her back to the intensity that he made her feel and brought confusion into her heart. She was pissed that this was the first time he had reached out since she left. Still she was excited that he was thinking about her at all. Even after his being absent from her life, she still got butterflies in her stomach at the thought of him. He had left an imprint on her life that was hard to erase. She knew that eventually she would have to call him. He deserved to know about the baby growing in her stomach. Noah had assured her that he would be there, but he still hadn’t touched her in a sexual way. It was like Iman’s baby stopped her from being loved fully by Noah. At least that’s what it felt like. She couldn’t help but think that Noah would get fed up one day and leave her. No man wanted to take care of a kid who didn’t belong to him. Although Noah never gave her reason to doubt him, she felt like a burden … like a girl with too much baggage.

  As she tucked her phone into her handbag she sighed. It was insecurities like these that made her want to go back to her old ways. Whenever her emotions began to overwhelm her it made her want to use drugs. She couldn’t handle stress. She had relied on different substances to dull her pain for so long that she had to remember how to work through it without clouding her mind. She had to be very aware of the type of energy she invited into her life. The wrong person could send her spiraling back out of control, and Bleu couldn’t afford that. She took a deep breath and thought, Just focus on today. One thing at a time. One goal at a time. One day at a time.

  Bleu put Iman in the back of her mind and walked into the glass building in front of her.

  “Welcome to Mott Community College. How can I help you?” the woman at the front desk asked.

  It
was a far cry from UCLA, but it was a step in the right direction. Bleu needed to find herself, and although she was stable now, she wouldn’t truly go back to feeling like her old self until she was back in school.

  “I’m here to enroll,” Bleu said.

  “Okay, you need to fill these out and then I’ll send you upstairs for your placement tests and to see a counselor,” the woman said.

  Bleu exhaled deeply, blowing out the nerves that filled her. She filled out the application and then took the elevator to the second floor to take her test. She didn’t realize how much she had missed something as normal as school until she was filling in the little bubbles, marking her answers on the scan sheet. This was her element. This was where she thrived when she was in her right mind.

  By the time she walked out of the college, she had tested out of all the introductory classes and had been able to enroll in second-year courses. Bleu felt like a million bucks as she walked out of the building. But then she felt a sharp jab in her stomach. She paused, then smiled as she realized it was the flutters from her baby’s first kicks. Bleu gasped in shock as it happened again. A smile spread across her face as she placed her hands on her growing belly. Her phone rang in her hand, interrupting the moment. Iman, she thought. He knew that if he was persistent enough she would answer. She had never been able to resist him for too long. She pressed the green button to answer his call, but before she could get the phone to her mouth she was hit with another feeling in her belly. This time it was stabbing and brought her to her knees as she dropped everything in her hands.

  She took a deep breath, hoping that it was just body aches. She was out of the withdrawal stage, so it couldn’t be from that. Maybe the baby just kicked me in the wrong place, she thought. Then she felt it again.

  “Agh!” she called out.

  A student coming up the steps rushed to her side. “Oh my God. You’re pregnant. Are you okay? Are you in labor?” the girl asked.

  “Please, call nine-one-one. I hope not. I can’t have this baby right now. I’m only twenty-four weeks,” Bleu gasped through gritted teeth. It felt like her insides were in a vise grip.

  The girl grabbed Bleu’s phone. “Hello? Hello?” the girl said when she realized there was someone on the line. “This girl is about to have her baby. I don’t know what to do!”

  “Baby? She’s pregnant?” Iman whispered in disbelief. “Hang up and call nine-one-one. Tell her I’m on my way,” he said.

  * * *

  “She’s losing a lot of blood. We have to get her into the operating room! Stat!” Bleu was in and out of consciousness. Lying flat on her back as the doctors and nurses around her rushed her gurney through the halls of the hospital.

  She kept trying to open her eyes, but she was so tired and her lids were so heavy. The fluorescent lights above her were bright and the faces around her fuzzy as she tried to focus on someone, anyone.

  “Her blood pressure’s dropping. We’re losing her!”

  Bleu could hear the panic in their voices. Am I dying? she thought. This couldn’t be death. It felt too good, too comforting, too peaceful. Bleu wasn’t afraid. In fact, she had never been calmer in her life. It was like she knew that if she just closed her eyes all her troubles would go away; that bright light would draw her in, and everything would be fine.

  It wasn’t until she heard Noah’s voice did she begin to fight.

  “What happened to her? Is she going to be okay?”

  “Are you the father?” the doctor asked.

  There was a pause and then Bleu heard Noah answer, “Yes.”

  She heard something that she had never heard from him before. Fear. It was like it was contagious, because suddenly she didn’t want to follow the bright light. She was terrified of leaving him, of being without him and he without her.

  She wanted to live. She wanted her baby to live. Bleu was finally getting her act together only to have life knock her down again. She could never understand why her journey on this earth was so hard.

  The doctor polled Noah aside. “I have to ask you this. If it comes down to saving her or saving the baby … who do you want us to focus on?” the doctor asked.

  This time there was no pause. “You save her. Whatever it takes,” Noah said.

  “Okay. One of the nurses will take you to sterilize so that you can come inside. We’re about to perform an emergency C-section,” the doctor informed Noah.

  Bleu was wheeled into a sterile room. It was so cold inside that she shivered, and when they put an oxygen mask over her face it felt like she was suffocating. She was scared.

  “Bleu. We need you to relax. Just breathe in and out,” one of the nurses said.

  “I can’t. I can’t breathe,” Bleu said as she weakly reached up and pulled off the mask.

  “You can; you can do it. You’re just hyperventilating. We’ve given you something to calm your nerves and we’ve numbed you from the waist down,” the nurse said. The doors opened and Noah walked in. The nurse waved him over. “Your boyfriend is here now. Just focus on him.”

  “Hey, B,” Noah said, clenching his teeth as he tried to remain strong for her.

  “I’m scared,” Bleu admitted.

  “Shit, me too,” he said with a chuckle. “Everything is going to be okay. You’ve done the hard part. You did the work to be a better person, Bleu. Now you just lay back and think about how you want to decorate the nursery.”

  Tears rolled out of the corners of her eyes and slid down into the creases of her neck. “I don’t even know what I’m having,” she said. Bleu had been so afraid to find out. She didn’t want to become too attached just in case she decided she wanted to give in to temptation one day and smoke. She figured if she didn’t know, if she didn’t choose a name, or know the sex, or purchase tiny clothes, then she wouldn’t feel guilt. She had never slipped up, though, so she had deprived herself for nothing. Bleu had held strong from the day she found out she would be a mother.

  “We’re about to find out,” he said. He placed the oxygen mask over her face. “Just breathe. Breathe, B.” Noah got choked up and he sobbed a bit, having to turn his head away from her to check himself. He focused back on her, clearing his throat as she brought her hand to his face. He grasped it and kissed the back of her wrist.

  “We’re almost there,” the doctor announced. “We are cutting into the uterus now.”

  Bleu felt so much pressure. It was like she was a car with an open hood and the doctors were the mechanics who were taking parts out and moving things around.

  “And he’s out. Congratulations. It’s a boy,” the doctor announced.

  Bleu waited to hear the cries. “Why isn’t he crying? Is he okay?”

  Noah stood to his feet, and when he walked over to the area where they had carried the baby he froze. It was the most heartbreaking thing he had ever seen. The baby was so little. At only two pounds he was fighting for his life.

  “Take care of the mother. We’re going to take the baby and work on him. He was born too early. His heart is on the outside of his body. We have to get him to Cardiology immediately,” the doctor said as an entire team rushed in and took the baby away.

  Noah knew that he had to be strong, but his eyes had witnessed firsthand what the drugs he used to peddle had done. The damage that they had caused. It was something that every young, black boy coming up in the hood should see. If Noah had known, he would have never had a part to play in the destruction of his own people. He gritted his teeth to stop his emotional levees from breaking.

  “She needs you. She’s crashing!” the doctor called out.

  Noah rushed to Bleu’s side and watched in horror as her eyes closed and she gave in to the fatigue.

  * * *

  Bleu awoke and every part of her body hurt, but the first thing to come out of her mouth was, “Where’s my baby?”

  It was an instinct that only developed after a woman had taken her rite of passage into motherhood. The ability to care for another before you cared for yourse
lf was something that couldn’t be taught. It was a gift and Bleu had earned the right to open it.

  Noah sat at her side. It seemed to be where he belonged, because every time she needed him it was where he was. “He’s in surgery, Bleu. He was born really early. They’re doing everything they can,” Noah said, not wanting to be the one to inform her about the baby’s heart condition.

  “Oh God,” she said as she leaned her head on the pillow and shook it from side to side.

  “Noah, I did this. My baby is struggling because of me. I would have been able to carry him longer if it weren’t for the drugs,” she whispered. She was ashamed of herself. She had been so stupid and so selfish.

  “You don’t know that. Only God knows that. Let’s just hope everything will be okay,” Noah said.

  A knock at the door interrupted them, and when it opened Bleu’s heart dropped.

  Iman was there, standing in front of her with pure agony reflecting in his eyes. The scent of his Burberry cologne reached her before he did.

  “Hey, ma,” he said as he walked to the vacant side of her bed and leaned down to kiss her on the forehead.

  Bleu was speechless. Iman had such a grand presence. He was omnipresent, filling up her mind, her heart, her body. He was the controller of her emotions as if he had a battery-operated handheld that allowed him to turn her on and off whenever he wanted. Bleu was completely wrapped up in him whenever he was around. Just the feel of his skin on hers as he caressed her made her quiver.

  “What are you…”

  She couldn’t find her words as her heart beat erratically in her chest. She had to close her eyes and focus on her breathing just to gather herself.

  “What are you doing here?” Bleu finally asked, her cheeks turning a slight shade of crimson as if someone had turned up the heat in the room.

  “I heard my girl was in trouble. Can’t have that,” he said. “You were pregnant and you didn’t call me, ma,” he said, the tone of his voice letting her know that the news injured him. “Is this my baby, Bleu?” Iman asked, wrinkles of concern creasing his forehead as his eyes burned into hers.