A LaLa Land Addiction

by Ashley Antoinette

  “You don’t owe this nigga no explanations, B,” Noah said, becoming territorial.

  “Yo, homie, don’t with that rah-rah shit. You don’t want it,” Iman said, turning g real quick. He had a soft spot for Bleu, but he handled the rest of the world with an iron fist.

  “Nigga, what?” Noah asked. “Look here, Hollywood. You ain’t in L.A. This my city and I’ll send you back west in a pine box. You coming in here like you been here? Where were you when she was overdosing in the trap? You was ghost, so get ghost now before I turn you into one.”

  Bleu was conflicted as she looked at the men she loved, arguing over her, beating their chests over her. They stood each thinking they were protecting her from the other. How could she choose between two perfect specimens of men? They both had a part of her heart. She was in love with two men. They were more alike than they knew and in the streets they could have unified, but their shared love of one woman divided them. She was their Helen of Troy. To be loved by them was a luxury. Bleu’s heart broke because she knew she would have to set one of them free.

  Bleu looked to Noah, feeling conflicted. “I’m so sorry. Can you give us a minute to talk?”

  “Yeah, nigga, take a walk,” Iman said.

  Bleu reached for Noah’s hand and squeezed it reassuringly. “Please,” she added.

  Noah smirked as he shook his head in disbelief and stood to his feet. “Yeah, B. Whatever you want,” he said sarcastically as he walked out, his temperament toward her suddenly turning ice-cold.

  “You can’t just show up here,” Bleu whispered when she and Iman were alone. “You have no idea what I’ve been through.”

  “I know, ma, and I’m sorry,” Iman said as he caressed her face with his thumb while wrapping the rest of his hand around the back of her neck. He pulled her face toward his and kissed her lips. She wanted to resist and she pulled back, but he pulled her back in as he kissed her eyes, her lips, her cheeks, the tip of her nose. “I missed you so fucking much, Bleu. Like crazy. I’ve been out of my mind without you, ma.”

  Bleu hated how weak she was for Iman. It was like he could do anything to her and she would just forget about it as soon as he opened his mouth to say, I love you. She was stupid in love with him. Her love for him defied logic and it was like a magnet, sucking her in and leaving no room for the power of resistance.

  The doctor came into the room and Bleu looked at her, trying to gauge the expression on her face. “Where is he?”

  “It’s a boy?” Iman asked. Bleu gripped his hand so tightly that her own knuckles turned white as she waited for the news.

  “Your son made it out of surgery. He is in the neonatal intensive-care unit. You can’t touch him, but you can see him if you would like,” the doctor said. “I don’t want to mislead you. He isn’t out of the woods. He was born very early. We have a lot of hard days ahead. He only has a fifty percent chance, but there is a chance,” the doctor informed them. “And as long as he has that, we will do everything we can to get him healthy enough for you to take home.”

  “Can I see him?” she asked.

  The doctor nodded and brought in a wheelchair. The nurses helped Bleu from the bed to the chair and Iman pushed her out of the room.

  She had never been more nervous in all her life. She was about to meet a little person who belonged to her. The nurses covered her in a protective paper gown.

  “Can I go in?” Iman asked.

  The doctor looked at Bleu in confusion.

  Bleu nodded. “This is the father,” she said.

  The doctor appeared shocked. Everyone in the operating room had seen Noah’s interaction with her and had felt the love that circulated throughout the room. Knowing better than to ask questions, however, the doctor gave Iman a paper gown to put over his clothes and made both parents wash their hands before entering the sterile environment. Cubicles with premature babies filled the nursery and Bleu was instantly drawn to one in particular in the corner of the room. Her eyes landed on it before Iman could even ask which baby belonged to them.

  When she laid eyes on her son, she fell in love. Guilt plagued her because of his size. He was underdeveloped and was hooked up to so many machines that she felt hopeless. He was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen and she wondered if the sky was blue today. He had ten little fingers and ten tiny toes, one little button nose that was smaller than the tip of her finger. Even the cap they had placed on his head was too big for him.

  “I love you,” Bleu whispered as she placed her face against the glass.

  Iman squeezed her shoulder in support, but he had no words. He had waited for years to feel this moment. He had wanted a child of his own since the day that Tan had lost what would have been their first. Bleu had given him an unbelievable gift.

  “I got clean the day I found out I was pregnant with him, but I can’t help but think that all the smoking I did before that is the reason why he is in this glass box!” Bleu cried. It was a burden that she would have to carry with her the rest of her life, and if he died she would never forgive herself.

  Iman knelt down in front of the wheelchair. “Look at him, ma. If God was going to take him away, he would have done it way before he tasted his first sip of air. He’s struggling right now, but he’ll find his strength. You can’t control what you did before you knew you were a mother. Forgive yourself for that. I do. I forgive you because I should have been right there with you. I should have protected you better. Look at him, Bleu,” Iman said, lifting her chin and forcing her to look at their son. “He came from us. We made perfection and I’ll take care of you forever for giving me that.” He leaned in and kissed her lips. When Iman stood, Bleu looked up and saw Noah looking at her through the glass window. She could see the hurt in his eyes, and without saying anything he turned and walked away.

  23

  Noah walked into his house, brooding with anger, so much anger that he put his fist through a wall as soon as he stepped foot inside.

  His mother came rushing from the upstairs of the house. “Noah! What’s wrong, baby?” she shouted in a panic as she rushed to her son’s side. His hand was swollen and knuckles busted up as he lowered his head onto his mother’s shoulder. “Noah baby, you have to say something. I came here to put together a nice surprise for Bleu, and you walking in here, without Bleu, without a baby. Where are they, Son? Please tell me nothing happened,” she said.

  Noah felt like a bitch, choking up in front of his mother. Only Bleu could bring out this type of emotion from him. She was like kryptonite to Noah and today he hated her for it.

  “The nigga that got her pregnant came to take her and the baby back to Cali,” Noah said.

  “Oh, Noah,” Ms. Monica said, exhaling deeply. She could feel the pain emanating off her son. She had witnessed the love story of Bleu and Noah unfolding in front of her for the past fifteen years. From kids to teenagers to now they had shared a connection that resembled true love. She knew how much Bleu meant to Noah. He had given up everything for her. “Baby, I know that you must be hurt beyond my comprehension, but I also know that you love Bleu and that she loves you.”

  Noah sank to the floor and leaned his back against the wall and his mother knelt with him. “I’m done, Ma. She made her choice,” Noah said.

  “Noah, you have changed for that girl. She got you to get out of the streets. You went legit. She complements you; she always has. Way before you ever had any romantic feelings for Bleu, she was your soul mate. Even if Bleu stays with the father of her child, I don’t think you want to give up the bond that you two share. She’s your best friend, Noah. Some loves aren’t meant for this lifetime, but your friendship with her”—Ms. Monica shook her head—“it’s irreplaceable. She is going to need you, and if you want to be a part of her life you have to respect her relationship with her son’s father. You may not be able to love her the way you want to, but you can still love her and her son. Bleu needs you. I’ve watched you love that girl back to life these past six months, Noah. You br
eathed for her when it was too hard for her to breathe for herself. You helped her get her footing in life again. You don’t want to miss out on the next chapter of her life, and I’m willing to bet more than anything that she wants you there. But make it easy on her. Be a man. Shake her boyfriend’s hand and be there for her like you always have been. Don’t make her have to choose between her kid’s father and you,” Ms. Monica schooled him.

  “How did you get so smart?” Noah asked as he leaned in and kissed his mother on the cheek.

  “Lot of years on this earth, boy. I done learned a thang or two,” she said with a wink. “Now what did she have?”

  “A boy,” Noah said.

  “Go on back up there with her and remember what I said,” Ms. Monica stated. “I’ll clean up here.”

  * * *

  Bleu lay in the hospital bed; the back of her head rested on Iman’s chest as he sat with his feet propped up on the bed. They both barely fit, but they made it work as they watched a black-and-white movie on TV. He stroked her hair and then kissed her temple. Bleu felt all of his love and appreciation pouring into her each time he touched her.

  “I love you so much,” she whispered.

  “I love you too,” Iman replied.

  Bleu sat up slowly, being careful with her movements so that she didn’t hurt her incision. “No, Iman. I love you too much.” He sat up in confusion. “The way that I love you is so consuming, so obsessive. It’s overwhelming and it doesn’t make sense at all.”

  “I don’t understand, ma. Is that a bad thing?” he asked with a chuckle as he grabbed her hand and rubbed the top of it softly with his thumb.

  “I come from a place of addiction. My mom was an addict; my daddy was an addict. I’m an addict. It’s in my blood. The disease runs in my family, and even though I’m done with the drugs, I still get high off you. I can’t let you go, even if I know that you’re no good for me. You’re my trigger, Iman. Every time I’m around you, the feelings I feel for you are too much. It’s overwhelming. It’s too intense. You’re like a fire that warms me, but if it gets out of control it burns, and I can’t control the way I feel about you. It makes me want to smoke dope. It’s not healthy for me.”

  “So what you saying, ma?” Iman asked, visibly wounded by her confessions.

  Bleu looked him in the eyes, her tears accumulating as she found the nerve to whisper, “I need you to walk away from me. I need you to let me go,” as her tears fell and her lip trembled.

  Iman shook his head as he drew his bottom lip into his mouth. “I can’t do that, ma. I want to marry you. I want to pump you full of babies. I can’t leave you alone,” Iman refused.

  “That’s how I know you’re not the man for me,” Bleu admitted. “Noah is my best friend. Actually, he’s more than that and I don’t know what that means or if it’s wrong to love both of you at the same time, but I do. With you it’s all about you, but with him it’s always about me. He will do anything for me, even if it means he sacrifices something himself. There is nothing he won’t do for me, including letting me be with you if it’s what he thinks I really want. His love is unselfish and I’m first. He puts me above himself and I am so in love with him because of that. He helped me get clean, Iman. He stood by me. He urged me to go back to school. He made me believe that I could. He made me believe again … in myself, and I just want to love him for forever for that. But you’re like a flame and I’m the moth that’s flying toward you. I need you to walk away. We can be parents to our son, but please let me go,” she pleaded. She was bawling at this point, her tears rolling freely down her face, and it was breaking her heart.

  Iman knew that he had fucked up when he had let her come back to Flint alone. She had found her way without him and it hurt him deeply. He was grateful for Noah, for saving her, but jealous because he hadn’t been the one to do it. He was Bleu’s weakness. He didn’t make her better. Noah gave her strength. It was a hard pill to swallow.

  “Sh-h,” Iman whispered as he wiped her tears and pulled her back down to lie on his chest again.

  “Are you mad?” She sobbed.

  “No, ma, never. I could never be mad at you,” he said, but he was heartbroken. She had just broken him and he knew that he only had himself to blame.

  He listened to Bleu cry herself to sleep, enjoying the feeling of her in his arms. He knew that he would never hold her like this again. When he was sure she was asleep, he stood. He bent down and kissed her forehead one more time. “I love you enough to set you free.”

  As he walked out, Noah was headed toward the room. The two men stood toe to toe. Each was destroyed by the presence of the other. Iman held out his hand and Noah shook it firmly in respect. It was a ten-second interaction, but it symbolized so much. They both loved Bleu enough to respect each other. No lines had been crossed. Their only beef had been they had loved the same girl at the same time.

  Iman walked off and Noah headed into Bleu’s room. When he saw that she was sound asleep he made his way to the NICU and peered in on her son. It was crazy how Noah’s heart swelled at the sight of him. You would have thought Noah was staring at his own son.

  Noah stood there for hours, until a nurse rolled Bleu up to the window beside him.

  “I thought you left,” she said.

  “I did, but my mama made me realize that even if I can’t be here for you like I want to be, there is no other place I’d rather be,” Noah admitted. “You’re my day one, B. I’d rather have you as a friend than nothing at all.”

  Bleu struggled to her feet and stepped into Noah’s space.

  “I asked him to leave, Noah. I chose you,” Bleu whispered.

  Noah smiled as he bit his lip and shook his head from side to side in disbelief. Even with all of her flaws, Bleu was his dream girl.

  “I love you,” she said. “I want you.”

  When he kissed her, he felt it in his soul and promised himself that he would love her the way a man was supposed to love a woman. With integrity, with honor, with faithfulness and loyalty. He wasn’t ready to get married, but he had already found his queen. One day he would change her last name, but today he would just appreciate her for everything she had been to him and everything she had yet to become.

  * * *

  Bleu was so grateful to God. She was being discharged today, and even though her son wasn’t healthy enough to leave with her, he was getting stronger every single day. Her doctor walked in and handed her paperwork to sign.

  “Are you going to name your baby boy before you leave today?” the doctor asked.

  “I’m going to name him Saviour Iman Montclair,” she said. “He saved my life. Without him I would have no reason to get clean.”

  “It’s a beautiful name for a beautiful boy,” the doctor said. “Good luck, Bleu.”

  Bleu smiled as Noah pushed the wheelchair up to the bed. Bleu sighed. “I can walk. It’s been a week. It hurts, but I’m not crippled.” She laughed.

  “You let him take care of you,” the doctor said. “Besides, it’s hospital policy. You can walk as much as you want when you get home. Although I think then you will be wishing you had a wheelchair.”

  Bleu laughed as she sat down. Noah leaned down and kissed her lips before heading toward the exit. Bleu lifted her head to the sky as soon as they were outside, and the sight of the clear blue sky reminded her of her mother. Bleu wondered if Sienna could see her now, if she would be proud.

  Boom!

  The sound of the gunshot was surreal as Bleu looked down at the blood splatter that covered her body. It took her a second to realize that it wasn’t hers. She turned around and saw Noah laid out on the ground, gasping for air.

  “No!!!” she screamed. She didn’t care that she was bursting all her staples open as she scrambled toward him. “No!!! Somebody help me!!!”

  He was choking as blood gushed out of his mouth. Bleu lifted his head into her lap as he stared into her eyes. He reached for her head, blood dripping everywhere and staining her hair as he fiste
d it.

  “No, don’t leave me,” she sobbed. “No! You wake up!” she shouted as she shook him, but she could see the life leaving him. She could feel his grip loosening as his hand slid out of her hair. His lips moved as he tried to say something. She already knew what he was trying to get out, but the blood never allowed the words to be free.

  “I love you; oh God, I love you!” she cried.

  His eyes were panicked and in them she saw a fear that broke her heart. “Sh-h … it’s okay. It’s okay.” She knew that it was hopeless. Their time was coming to a tragic end. Hospital staff surrounded her, but he was already gone by the time they got there. “Don’t be afraid. Heaven is waiting,” she said. “Oh God!” she sobbed. The doctors and nurses who crowded around knew that it was too late and the scene before them brought tears to their eyes. They witnessed death every day but had never seen grief like this before. Bleu had lost her soul mate and when he drew his last breath a little piece of her had gone into the sky with him. So much for a beautiful day.

  * * *

  Naomi caressed the side of Demarcus’s face as they sped out of the parking lot of the hospital. The same nigga she was supposed to kill months ago was the one she had used to kill the man she used to love. There was no remorse in her heart. Noah had played her and there was a price to pay for that. Noah had chosen Bleu over her; he had embarrassed her and disregarded her. He had tossed her aside as if she hadn’t helped him climb to the top. Resentment had built in Naomi for months, and when she linked up with Demarcus they had a common enemy. Noah had never seen it coming and revenge had been sweet.

  “He got exactly what he deserved,” she whispered to herself, smirking in satisfaction. That’s why men had to be careful whom they crowned a queen, because a queen scorned would slit the king’s throat without thinking twice.

  Final Chapter

  Four Years Later

  Bleu took a deep breath as the graduation song played in the large arena. She couldn’t believe that she had made it this far. Tears filled her eyes as she thought of everything that it took to get to this moment. Now she was standing in line, waiting to receive her Bachelor of Science in Social Work. It was unreal. It felt like a dream, and she wrung her fingers together nervously while waiting for her turn on the stage.