My Captor, My Love

by Leah Matheny

  I stared at Liwanu with my jaw hanging open.

  "What?" He asked.

  "I've never heard you say so much before. Don't get me wrong, I like it…I enjoyed it," I said with a smile as I patted his back. "In fact, tell me more. Tell me about the winter caves."

  Liwanu grunted and turned his head away. "You are easy to talk to. I do not feel you judge me." He turned to look at me. "Dani, you are my friend and I am yours. Come, let us go have breakfast, huse'l, at Muata's koca." He must have felt me tense up. "Do not be nervous. I talked with Muata last night. He told me of your reaction to him. He and Papina want you to feel comfortable with them. I will show you the caves another day."

  "Okay. It's just…I was shocked to see him. I hadn't seen him since the night back when you took me, and I just didn't know what to say to him. But you're right, I want to be able to spend lots of time with Papina and Helaku."

  When we greeted Muata and his family, he took hold of my hands. "Dani, please don't be angry with me. I'm sorry for my part in capturing you. For us to survive we must do this. You're my sister now. You're part of our family. Please, I want you to be happy. I understand, my mother was also taken." He clenched and unclenched his jaw. Papina was at my side with her arm around me.

  "I forgive you. I understand your lives here," I said with a smile as I lightly touched his hand. He smiled with a sigh, nodded, and walked off with Liwanu. Papina began showing me how to make a breakfast of fried acorn meal, kawan.

  "Mmm, smells good," I said.

  "And this tastes very, very good." Helaku said, holding up a bowl. "It is surp."

  Papina laughed. "That is syrup, my Sunshine." She turned to me. "The syrup is made from the sugar beets and honey. And it is very, very good…and not just for eating food," she laughed again and blushed.

  "Papina!" I laughed. "Well, I won't need nay syrup for that."

  "I know you and Honon are fighting. Be patient, men can be stubborn."

  I stood straighter and erased all humor from my face. "There is no Honon and me. I…I don't know if there ever was. Please, if you hear people talking, tell them I don't want any man. That should at least make Matila happy."

  Papina raised her eyebrows in surprise. "Ah, so you know. People talk much here. Everybody knows of everybody."

  When Liwanu and I walked away I asked him, "Liwanu, I want to know how to say a couple of things in Miwokan."

  "Tell me the words."

  I cleared my throat. "The words are: Burglar and coward."

  Liwanu looked at me questioningly. "Coward is: Helajama. Burglar…let me think," he took a moment. "Yes, burglar is: Sunhente. Those are strange words to need to know. Did someone steal from you?"

  "Ummm…no. I was just curious about words Helaku probably wouldn't know." Helaku came up and pulled me away from Liwanu. "My turn. I will teach Dani now." We spent the rest of the morning together.

  I had lunch with one family and dinner with another family. There was so much I needed to learn. I wished I had my laptop to keep notes on…I wished I was back home.

  I saw Liwanu again as I was heading back to go to bed. I'd memorized and practiced the two words he'd told me earlier. "Liwanu," I waved for him to stop. "I have two more words I'd like to know: Donkey and…and sphincter." I hoped I wasn't blushing.

  "I do not know that word. Donkey is: Cakah'uc. Is that all?

  "Yes, thank you.

  Even though I was physically tired, my mind wouldn't stop and it took me forever to fall asleep. No sooner would I force my mind away from Honon, when my thought would be filled with him again. I remembered how gentle he had been with me at times, how he'd comforted me when he knew I was afraid of Liwanu, how he could kiss me so tenderly…so passionately. Damn him.

  The next day passed pretty much like the day before. I was taken to someone's home to eat and was taught how to make that meal. I talked with the people I met, and was introduced to others. One woman I met, Wauna, was about seven months pregnant. "Wauna, at home I'm a nurse. I help women with the delivery of their babies. If I can help at all, please have someone come get me." She seemed quite shy and she wouldn't even look me in the eye, but she did smile and thank me.

  Papina invited me to dinner. After we finished eating and I was helping her clean, I said, "There's a word I wish to know. But I'm a little embarrassed to ask it."

  "Ask me," she said, putting her arm on mine. "We are family, you can ask me anything."

  "Okay. Actually, either one of two words, they are: Sphincter and rectum." I could feel my blush.

  "I don't know the first, but the second does sound familiar. Can you explain it?"

  My eyes widened and my mouth flew open. "Oh boy, um…it's where you defecate."

  She had her lips pursed in concentration and then she shook her head. I groaned before I continued. "It's that part of the body where you go to the bathroom, in the back," I pointed behind me.

  Papina's eyes opened wide in surprise. "Why do you need to know that?" She quickly put her hands up to stop me. "Never mind, it is not my business. The word in Miwokan is: Potol." A blush quickly rose on her cheeks.

  "Thank you. I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable."

  She chuckled. "Maybe someday you can tell me the story," she said with a grin that wrinkled the sides of her cute little nose.

  The next day, was again, the same. I practiced the words I'd learned and met more people. I knew I was stuck there, they'd never let me leave, but for some reason it didn't feel permanent. I felt I'd be going back home.

  As I was about to go to bed, I realized how stick I felt from the hot day. The sky was just turning dark when I headed to the hot pool, and I was glad no one else was there. I quickly took my clothes off and got in the water. "Heaven, this is pure heaven," I sighed out loud.

  "Yes it is. Is that you, Dani?" It sounded like Muata.

  I gasped, "Muata? What are you doing here?" I ducked as far as I could in the water and was thankful it was dark.

  "Yes, and Sewati. We like to come and soak before we sleep sometimes." Muata introduced me to Sewati, then, they both removed their clothing and got in the water. I averted my eyes and thanked God when they waded over to the other side of the pool.

  "But…I thought this was the woman's pool and the men used the cold stream." Keeping my arms over my chest and my body turned, I felt nervous and safe at the same time--maybe because both of them were acting so casual. When Sitala had told me about people feeling no modesty, I guessed she meant in front of men too.

  "Yes, we go there most times in the mornings. But we both like hot and cold water." Muata looked up behind me. "Where have you been, my friend? Bear, come and join us."

  I turned to see who Muata was talking to. "Honon." My heart immediately sped up triple time.

  "Jewa, I see you're now entertaining more of my friends." He began to remove his clothes. "I think I'll join you. This should be interesting." His lip lifted in a true sneer.

  I turned my head away and thought if I'd looked down to the water, I would see ripples moving away from my body from the thumping of my heart. He walked to the other side of the pool, where my head was turned, and sneered again as he got in. Muata said something to Honon is Miwokan.

  "No worries, friend. I'm here to enjoy also." He leered at me as he slowly stalked my way. A scream caught in my throat as I jumped out of the water. Once again, survival took precedence over modesty. I grabbed my blanket, wrapped it around me, grabbed my clothes and ran all the way back to my place. When I threw the flap closed I yelled, "Damn it, there's no lock on these things!"

  I put my clothes on as fast as I could and stood with the skillet in my hands for the longest time. I was prepared for battle. What's he doing? He's still mad. What's he trying to prove? What're the rules about bathing? He acted like I was doing something wrong? I didn't know how much time had passed before I tired and sat down. Later, I propped the pillows up behind me and leaned back. The next thing I knew, Honon was on top of me.


  Chapter 8

  In three seconds he had me stripped, my hands were held with one of his above my head, and he was holding my jaw in a strong grip. "You are still in my bed, jewa, is it my turn now? Are my friends not enough for you?"

  I tried to turn my head to look for the skillet.

  "No, you don't need to look for the skillet. Were you going to hit me with it?" His eyes blazed into mine. I couldn't help but feel his bare chest and legs against me.

  "You…you Sunhente, you cakah’uc, you are a…a potol! Get…off…me!" I wiggled my body the best I could, which wasn't much.

  "I see you're learning my language, that's good. Though I'm interested in the words you call me. Tell me why?" He stared intently into my eye. He was straddling my legs and I tried to knee him, but he just squeezed his legs tighter together, trapping mine. His muscles felt like rock against me.

  "You are a burglar, a thief…you stole my life from me. And…and you're a stubborn donkey, an ass! Let me go," I started to scream the last word, so he covered my mouth with his hand. He had it cupped so I couldn't bite it.

  "Hmm, and the last word?"

  I squirmed and jerked my head to remove his hand. "Because…I think you're just as disgusting!"

  He smirked, "Maybe I am a sunhente, but I think you are more of a cakah'uc than me. Now, stubborn one, as I said, you must be here for a reason. He started to kiss my neck. All my breath escaped as I felt the shocks throughout my whole traitorous body; surely he felt my shivers and hardening nipples.

  "And as for the last name you called me…" His lips moved down to my breasts. "Well, I think you are lying."

  He nibbled my skin and rubbed the flat of his tongue over my nipple. I wanted to arch into him but held myself back, I wanted to moan but I bit my lip and held that in too. When he moved one of his knees and pushed it between my legs, I whimpered.

  His kisses moved down the side of my breast before he licked all the way back up to my ear. I felt him put his other knee between my legs and force them apart, wide. A high note came from my throat, my breathing was labored. Honon's hand was on my chin, opening my mouth. His lips gently touched mine and then he ravaged my mouth, his tongue swept all over seeking mine. He licked and nipped my lips…teasing me, making me want more.

  My breath was coming in gasps. As he moved his hips over me, I felt the tip of him touch me and I knew he heard my groan and felt my hips rise to meet him. He drew my arms over his head while kissing, nipping, and licking my neck. I grabbed hold of his hair, pulling him closer to me. His mouth came back to mine and he entwined his hands in my hair, kissing me gently, slowly, like he wanted it to go on forever. I kept wiggling my hips; I wanted him. I twisted our heads to the opposite sides so I could deepen the kiss, and high pitched whimpers came from me.

  When he entered me I cried out into his mouth, he groaned into mine. Within three long, glorious strokes I felt my release.

  "Yes, my cujcuje, yes," he whispered against my ear. He didn't stop moving; he touched me all over. His lips and hands branded me his. I grabbed hold of his arms and rubbed my hands over his biceps, squeezing his muscles.

  "Please, Honon…don't stop. Don't leave…me," I managed to say. He brought me back to wanting him madly over and over again.

  We finally lie back panting and fell asleep in each other's arms. Sometime later in the night I woke to Honon sucking my breast. I grabbed his head and held him to me tightly.

  "Cujcuje, wake and touch me. You are ha'ni." He rolled me over so I was sitting on him. "Yes, cujcuje, this is just like the night by the campfire. I wish for the fire now so I can see the reflection of the flames dance on your naked body." We made love that time, slow and tender, until the sun just barely started to lighten the sky. We fell asleep again, our bodies entwined.

  My body shivered from the cold air and I looked for Honon. He was putting his clothes on. "Honon? I whispered. It was still early.

  "I woke you? Sorry. You need your sleep. I wouldn't want you to be too tired for your other lovers today." His stone face was back.

  I gasped, "What? Please, don't do this again. I'm sorry for running away from you. I was afraid. And you're the only one I've been to bed with." My heartbeat rose in fear.

  "No, I don't believe you. You are a conniving oje'aj, just like Matila. You play games just like her. Goodbye, and thanks for the fun, jewa." He turned to go.

  "Hel'ajama!" I yelled out and he stopped. "Hel'ajama! You're a coward!" I yelled again.

  He narrowed his eyes and his stone face broke away to fierce anger. His fists clenched and unclenched as he took two steps toward me. He said something in Miwokan that I didn't understand, but I did hear him repeat the name I'd called him. I knew he was saying it wasn't true.

  "Yes, it is true. You're not man enough to admit what you feel for me. You know you want me."

  The anger left his face, but he sneered with one eyebrow raised in contempt, "Jewa, many men want you…and have you." He turned, ripped the drape off the opening, and left.

  I turned and screamed into the pillow, telling myself that I wasn't going to cry. The day I'd cried with Kosumi had been nothing compared to this. I was so mad I couldn't contain myself.

  A gentle hand moved hair out of my face and I looked up through eyes almost swollen shut. Sitala didn't say a word, she just kissed my forehead and lifted my head onto her lap, patting and stroking my arm until I couldn't cry anymore.

  "Si…ta…la," I said with a shaky voice, "I…think I…might love…him."

  She wiped my tears. "Yes, my daughter, tune, I know you do. I'm sorry for your pain. Just rest and I'll stay here with you."

  "He…left…me." I fell asleep in Sitala's lap.

  The smell of food woke me and I looked up. "Sitala"

  "I'm here, tune." She patted my arm. "I have food for you. Come, sit up and eat this soup."

  I thanked her and ate; I was famished. The drape, I noticed, was hanging up over the entrance again. I turned my eyes to Sitala when the bowl was empty. "What time is it?"

  She smiled. "I see you worked up an appetite. It's just now lunchtime. Here, let me get you another bowl."

  "So much has happened in such a short time. How'd you handle it? How did you cope?" She would understand what I was going through; I knew I wouldn't be able to talk to Matila.

  "Would you like to hear my story?" She said as she handed me the soup.

  "Yes I would, but only if you want to tell me. I don't want to pry." I didn’t want her to feel like she had to tell me.

  "Tune, I'd be glad to tell you."

  I looked up from eating. "Tune, what does that mean?"

  Sitala smiled, sat beside me, and put her hand on my knee. "Tune means: Daughter. I feel like you're my daughter. No matter what happens, you'll be my daughter." She stopped with a concerned look on her face. "Of course, only if you want to be."

  I set my bowl of soup down, turned to her, and leaned over to give her a hug. "Yes, I would love to be your tune. Thank you for your kindness. I think it's helping me hold it together." I sat back. "I learned a couple other names I want the meaning of…ha'ni and cujcuje…I think that was it."

  "Ha'ni means: Honey, and the other word, cujcuje, is: Something that tastes sweet."

  Looking away, I remembered how Honon had called me those names, what he was doing to me at the time. I shook my head to clear it. "The Miwok word ha'ni sound just like the English version."

  She smiled. "The white people taught the Miwok how to find and eat honey, so they kept the English word, just with their strong accent. We have quite a few words like that, both English and French. Like the word for grandfather is: Papa, candy is Kante, garden is Kartyn, and to say thank you is: Tenkiju. There are also more words from the Spanish language. Jabon, or soap, is: Jawon, and cama, or bed, is: Kama. Now, sit back and let me tell you my story."

  "I was born Susan, but that was a long time ago. In 1976 I was hiking along the John Muir trail with my boyfriend when we got into a fight and he walked off a
nd left me alone. After being alone for a few hours I was grabbed by some Indians. Wuyi was one of them. It took over a week before we reached this village. I've never been outside since…I never saw my family again." Sitala looked off, over my shoulder, with a blank stare. She stood up to get some soup for herself. "Would you care for more soup?"

  "I'm fine, thank you. You don't have to talk about this if you don't want to."

  She sat back down by me. "I'm fine. Let's see…Wuyi took me to be his…his…well, he wanted children. He was already married, but he didn't have any children from his wife. She either lost the babies during pregnancy or soon after they were born. When I arrived, Awanata, Turtle, was not happy to say the least. She made my life miserable. She was very cruel. When Wuyi came to take me to his bed, she helped drag me to him…only because she knew how much I hated it. I soon was pregnant, and the further along I went in my pregnancy, the meaner Awanta treated me…she would hurt me. In fact, I still have a scar on my back," she said, rubbing a spot over her shoulder.

  "She never let people see what she did to me, other than her friends. She only hit me when we were alone. When the others were around, she was nice to me, very solicitous. Usually, she wouldn't leave any marks on me. If she did, she'd say I was clumsy and had hurt myself. She was always slyly tripping me so people did see me fall down a lot." Her head shook in remembrance.