My Captor, My Love

by Leah Matheny

  "One time Wuyi's younger brother, he's passed on now, he saw her push me when I was far along in my pregnancy. Hyl'ja, to Spur a Horse, saw and reported to Wuyi. Wuyi cast Awanta out. She was to live on the outskirts of the village, shunned by everyone for one month. Well, it was winter at the time and after a month, when Wuyi went to bring her back, she was very sick and died shortly after. I was afraid the others would blame me, but I found out later that many people didn't like her. She was a manipulative, unhappy woman."

  Sitala finished her soup. As she set her bowl down, she continued. "About a week later, Honon was born. When I held him in my arms, life changed for me." Her smile lit up her face. "I loved him beyond imagining. No thought of escape entered my mind, nothing bothered me. I had my son."

  Sitala brought me a cup of water and my tooth brush stick and a mint leaf. "After I had Honon, things slowly improved and people were nicer to me. After a month, Wuyi took me to his bed again. I didn’t mind. My joy with Honon helped me to accept my life here. Wuyi was kind to me and I repaid him by being a dutiful wife. People in the village began to treat me better. Everyone spoke English around me so I could be included in conversations, but they also began to teach me Miwokan. When Honon was five years old, I became pregnant with Kosumi. At that time, Wuyi asked me to be his wife. I was the first oje'aj to marry. They call the whole white race, oje'aj, whether you're a man or a woman."

  "What happened to Awanta's friends? How did they treat you?"

  "Oh, they started treating me better right away, as soon as Awanata died. I think they only treated me the way they did because she made them, and I think they may have been afraid of her since she was the chief's wife."

  I looked at Sitala, a little nervous to ask my questions. "And you're happy now, you love Wuyi?"

  Sitala gave me a big smile.

  "Yes, I'm very happy. And yes, I do love Wuyi. He's been a very kind and generous husband. No, we never had the passion you and Honon have. But I'm still very blessed with my life." She stood up. "Now, would you like to take a bath to freshen up?"

  "Yes, I would. Sitala, I do have a bathing question. Early last night I was taking a bath in the hot pool when men showed up and got in. Is that appropriate, normal?"

  A laugh slowly worked its way out of her. "You should see your face. Yes, that's normal. Remember what I said about no modesty? It's impolite to stare and eyes should be averted. It's also frowned upon for an unmarried man and woman, especially teenagers, to bathe together with no one else there. We don't want accidental pregnancies because of the bloodline issue. When a boy becomes a man and a girl becomes a woman, their bloodlines are researched and the parents are told who their children can marry. It's up to the parents to instruct their children. But, as in every village, town, city…since the beginning of time, children don't always listen to their parents."

  As I turned to leave, Sitala stopped me. "Dani, I almost forgot to give you this."

  She handed something that looked like a wide slingshot with straps hanging from the end and a small stack of strips of something like cloth. "What's this?"

  "You've been here for a while and I figured you might need it soon. It's for you during your time of the month. I would've given it to you earlier, but I forgot. I'm sorry. It's not something I need to think about anymore." She showed me what I would need to do to take care of myself.

  "Thank you. Well, I can't say I'm looking forward to using this. At home we have much easier, cleaner ways to handle it." I started for the exit and stopped again. "Sitala, how did you know to come to me this morning?"

  She cleared her throat and looked away. "Honon was seen leaving here in a terrible temper. And…your cries were heard. Someone came and told me."

  I sighed and put my face in my hands. "Great, how many people saw Honon leave? How many heard me?"

  She removed my hands from my face. "I don't know, but it doesn't matter. This is a small village and everything gets around anyway. Speaking of which, I should be the one to tell you before someone else does…after Honon left you, he came to see Wuyi and said that he'd be leaving the village again for some time to get the horses and the other woman needed."

  I immediately ran outside and threw up.

  The next two days passed in a blur. I tried to keep myself as busy as possible and I did everything I could to keep Honon and home off my mind. I spent a lot of time with Helaku learning the language; she could make any day seem bright. I also spent time with Wauna so she would become comfortable with me in case she needed me during the delivery of her baby. Papina was teaching me to weave baskets, which wasn't easy and hurt my fingers. I watched some women tanning leather; I didn't particularly care for that. When I walked all around the perimeter of the village, I sometimes came across the guards. It got me thinking about escaping. I walked on the hill that led to the cave and I kept looking around to see if anyone watched me.

  One afternoon I was with Sitala helping her and learning to make a new meal. After about the fourth time she had to repeat herself--my mind was elsewhere--she put her hand on my shoulder. "Tune, you're preoccupied. Would you rather learn another day? Why don't you sit and relax?"

  "I'm sorry," I said as I patted her hand. "I am preoccupied, but I want to learn, I want to keep busy."

  She pulled me to sit down with her. "I noticed you've been busy lately and staying up very late, and then you're up again with the sun. Are you okay?"

  "Yes…yes, I'm just learning what I need to know." I wouldn't look her in the eye.

  "Is that all? Are you trying to keep yourself busy so you don't think of my son?"

  I threw my face back toward her with my mouth open and eyes wide." How…I have to forget him. He took me away from my life, then he was becoming part of my life, and now he's left me. I'll be damned if I let him see me pining away for him."

  "Dani, he loves you. Give him time, he'll be back. He won't be able to stay away from you for long."

  I shook my head. "But he'll have the new girl. He'll have all the time with her, making love to her. He'll never want me again."

  "Tune, you're the woman he's in love with, that's not going to change in one trip away or spending time with another woman. Lots of other women wanted him, but he never wanted any of them," Sitala said tenderly.

  "But, what about Matila? Something happened between them. He was mad at me and comparing me to her. He said I was conniving like Matila," I said, trying to remain calm.

  "Matila…yes, some suggested she'd be able to help Honon out of his mourning for his dead wife and son. A couple of other women had tried, but he wasn't interested. He wasn't interested in Matila at first either, but he felt he should get married again and start a family, to do his duty for the line of chief. He started to court her…I guess that would be the term. You wouldn't call it dating really; his heart and emotions weren't there. Matila wanted him and was furious that he was cold to her, and formal. She decided to try and make him jealous, so she set-up Honon to come to her koca and see her in bed with another man. Honon was furious, but only because she shamed and embarrassed him. He's to be chief one day, he's to be respected, and she made him look like a fool. That's where his anger comes from. He denounced her and went on as if nothing happened. He didn't sulk about in a bad mood and run away like he's doing now."

  "I see, no wonder she hates me. If word spread like you say, and if Matila heard anything about Honon and me…but I haven't done anything like that! I haven't slept with anyone else!"

  "I believe you. But that's not what Honon thinks. I had Wuyi talk to Muata, Liwanu, and Kosumi. Honon told them you were a tease because you ran away. You essentially spit in his face and embarrassed him. You picked him, not Liwanu. His friends knew he wanted you, that you had been together and would be married, and then you ran away. His pride and anger made him give you to Liwanu. Evidently the next day, once he cooled down, Honon went to get you back from Liwanu. The others went with him in case Honon had trouble with Liwanu. As they neared your camp, they
all heard you laughing. They crept closer and saw you and Liwanu sitting, facing each other with your heads together. Then they slowly crept away and Honon refused to say anything to Muata or Kosumi. They just packed up and headed back to our village."

  "But we were just playing Tic-Tac-Toe! I taught him how to play, we had fun." I was shaking my head. "Besides, maybe they all knew Honon and I would marry, but I sure didn't. I didn't know what his plans for me were. No one spoke English. How was I supposed to know?" I shrugged my shoulders and raised my hands up.

  "That's true…that makes sense," Sitala said thoughtfully. "And Liwanu told us you didn't have sex, he told us about the game. Kosumi and Muata admitted when they saw you and Liwanu enjoying each other's company, well…they thought you looked like happy lovers. We're all sure Honon thought the same, especially after his experience with Matila. And with his emotions in turmoil, he saw you in Kosumi's lap. Now it's ridiculous to think his brother would betray him, but he obviously wasn't thinking clearly. I heard about the night in the hot pool, too. Honon's jealousy was ruling his thoughts. Tune, daughter, Honon won't change his heart away from you that fast."

  After that little revelation, I needed time by myself to think. I excused myself and headed back to my…Honon's place to lie down.

  Early in the evening, Kosumi came by. "Come with me Huyana, and we'll have dinner at the home of one of my friends."

  "What'd you call me?"

  "Huyana. We can't keep calling you Dani, and oje'aj name. Huyana means: Falling Rain. With all your tears, you're like falling rain." He smiled like he was proud of himself.

  "Hmmm, Huyana…that sounds pretty, so does Falling Rain. I'm just not so sure I like being connected to it the way you say. Besides, I don't cry all the time."

  He ran his finger down my cheek. "Maybe not on the outside…but don't worry, someday you may have another name. Come on, I'm hungry."

  While I was in bed, I thought of Honon. I prayed Sitala was right, that his heart wouldn't change fast. If he loves me, he has to trust me. I hoped he wouldn't be a jealous man forever. Maybe it's a phase. It better be. I figured I had some time to think of a strategy, and Sitala was going to help me. I fell asleep feeling contented.

  I heard Helaku announce herself, so I covered myself with fur. "Come n, Helaku."

  She bounded in. "Good morning, my mother wants you, come to our house for breakfast, huse'l. After huse'l, we will make baskets with women. Come, come, got fast."

  I laughed. "Okay, let me get dressed. You go tell your mother I'll be there soon." Great, baskets…my fingers are still sore from two days ago.

  Helaku ran outside and I could hear her voice as she was calling to Papina. I couldn't think of a better way to start the morning than with Helaku's smiles and enthusiasm…well, maybe one other way. I started dressing and cringed as I pulled my top on.

  Yeow, what was that? I lifted the top to look at my nipples; they were hard. I touched them. "Ow! Talk about tender, must be close to my period. But I didn't remember feeling any cramping. I put my "slingshot" on just to be prepared, braided my hair, and headed out.

  "Hello, Papina. What can I do to help?"

  "Huyana, there you are. Come help me with the soup."

  "Well, Kosumi's name for me didn't take long to get around. What do you think of it?"

  "The name is beautiful. Falling rain can give us rainbows, it's good for us because it helps our food grow, and it's refreshing. Yes, you are Huyana, even Muata agrees," she smiled and nodded. Her explanation made me feel better, better than being known as a cry baby.

  I helped Papina make a lunch of squash soup, some type of bread like a tortilla, and some smoked meat. The meat had a very different flavor than I was used to. "Papina, what is this meat?"

  "That's bear meat, yhy'mati," she replied.

  Helaku started laughing. "You are eating bear. Honon's name means bear." She started to sing: "Dani eats Honon, Huyana east Honon…"

  I looked at Papina and she was staring at me with huge eyes and a rising blush. "I'm so sorry." She ran to Helaku and spoke rapidly to her in Miwokan. Papina returned to me with an even deeper blush," She won't say that again…I'm sorry. And Huyana, Muata and I will help you get Honon back."

  "Well I'm not worrying about it, he's always gone." Yeah, keep telling yourself that. "I should get going. Thank you all for dinner. I'd like to cook a meal for you…or try to. How about tomorrow night?"

  "We would be honored," said Papina with a big smile, her blush disappearing. Helaku started jumping up and down. "Yes, yes," she squealed and ran into my arms.

  My eyes popped open wide, my breath caught in my throat, and I grimaced. Oh, my boobs. Papina came up to me and grabbed my shoulders. "Dani, are you all right? You are as white as a cloud."

  "Yes, I'm fine. It's just that I'm about to start my time and my breasts are very sore."

  She gave me a scrutinizing look. "I noticed many times tonight you looked uncomfortable and would pull your top away from your body. That's a lot of pain for your time isn't it? Do you think you could be pregnant?"

  "What!" I yelled. I looked around to see if anyone had heard us. "No. I should be starting any day now. "Shhh, don't let that rumor start." That's all I needed. "Papina, that reminds me of something I need…I need a bra. It's not good for someone my size to go without a bra for so long."

  "What's a bra?" Papina looked confused.

  "Oh, well…" I looked over to see if Muata was paying attention. "It's a piece of clothing that's worn to keep a woman's breasts held up high and against her. If I don't wear a bra, my breasts will be down to my knees one day," I said a little quieter.

  Papina choked she laughed so hard. "That would be funny to see. Let me think...maybe we should go to Sitala, she should have a better idea how to help you. Do you always wear this bra?"

  "I used to, yes, every day. I would only take it off to go to bed."

  "Why do you not have the bra with you now?"

  "Papina!" Muata said hoarsely. Apparently, he had been listening to our conversation. "Woman, don't ask so many questions that do not concern you."

  Papina looked at me with a shocked face and turned red again. "I'm sorry to pry. Come, lets' go see Sitala."

  I vacillated between being embarrassed that Muata knew what I was talking about and worried about Papina's hurt feelings, so I patted her back and gave her a smile as we turned to walk. She gave me a shy smile in return.

  We announced ourselves at Sitala's.

  "Come in, how are you?" She greeted us with a hug.

  "We're great. We came to ask your help," I said, and told her what I wanted.

  "Oh, I remember those, I was glad to be free of them. But, yes, I do see how you'd want one. Come tomorrow after breakfast and we'll work on it."

  We all said our goodbyes and went back home. I was tired and wanted to take a nap. I started to take my clothes off to get ready for bed. The pullover top was a killer getting off and I had to go slowly so as not to rub it against me. I checked and was surprised that I hadn't started my period yet. Hmm, maybe later today or tomorrow.

  As I turned to leave, Sitala stopped me."

  Chapter 9

  I didn’t feel that great the next morning. In fact, I didn’t really feel like getting up for breakfast. Geez, my nipples are sore. I lay back down for a little while. Later, I slowly got up and checked myself. I still hadn’t started. Oh, no. I started panicking and counting backwards. I can’t be.

  “Sitala and Papina,” I heard them announcing themselves and I wrapped a blanket around me. “Yes, come in.”

  They breezed in smiling, Sitala carrying a basket. They stopped and looked at me. “Tune?” “Huyana?” They said at the same time. “What’s wrong?” Sitala asked, sitting down next to me. “You’re just getting up now?” I saw her looking at my “slingshot” on the floor.

  I looked back and forth between them. “I think I’m pregnant.” I laughed, and then my lip trembled. They both jumped up cheering, and bent down
to hug me. I was careful to guard my chest. “Shhh, shhh, I don’t know for sure. I think I’m only three days late.”

  “And your breasts are sore too,” squealed Papina. “This is a happy day. I can’t wait to tell Muata and Helaku.”

  I leapt up. “No! No…I don’t want to say anything yet. Maybe I’m not pregnant, maybe I’m late because of stress…from everything that’s happened to me. Honon’s gone. He still may not want me, what’ll I do then?” I bit my lip. Oh give me strength. I was going to need it.

  They clucked their tongues and told me not to worry. They talked about who they would tell and how happy Wuyi would be. They agreed to give me two more days. “Let’s work on your bra,” said Sitala. “This should help you out with your tenderness, too.”

  The bra turned out more like a bathing suit top. The cups were made out of rabbit fur with the fur against my skin, and the straps were made wide so they wouldn’t cut into my shoulders. Sitala brought extra tanned leather. “Here, I brought this so we can make you some warmer clothing. The weather is beginning to get cooler.” We worked the rest of the morning.

  “Oh, I almost forgot. Papina, I invited you and your family to dinner tonight. Sitala, do you and Wuyi want to join us?”

  “Thank you, tune. I’ll ask Wuyi when I see him. Would you like me to go with you to collect the food you need?”

  “Yes, please.”

  When they turned to leave, I stopped them. “Now remember you two, you promised not to tell anyone for two more days,” I squinted my eyes and shook my finger.

  They looked at me, then, they looked at each other. “I don’t remember saying we promised, do you, Sitala?” They both left laughing.

  Just great. I hoped they were only teasing me. I was suddenly hungry and went looking for one of my energy bars.

  Liwanu showed up and I had lunch with him at his brother’s. Afterward, I headed to Sitala’s so we could go get the food I needed. “I’m glad you and Wuyi will be joining us. This will be my first dinner, so I’d like to make it special. I don’t want to make any mistakes.”