Shame

by Fiona Cole

  School was a mess. The whole damn day. I’d avoided Kevin while simultaneously being around him. When I would look up at him, he was staring at me with furrowed brows, and I would immediately look away again. When we sat at lunch, I made sure to have at least two people between us. I did my best not to talk to him because I was so unsure of what to say. And when it was unavoidable, it was awkward and stilted.

  With Sean by my side, my body was stiff and tense. He deserved so much more than what I’d done. But I didn’t know how to handle it.

  Sitting at the round table, I almost choked on my sandwich when Gwen spoke up.

  “What the hell is going on with you guys?” she asked pointing a finger between me and Kevin. “You haven’t talked to each other all day. Did you have a fight?”

  I dropped my chin to my chest, hoping my face didn’t betray me, and scoffed. “No. Kevin . . .” My throat closed on his name and I tried again. “Kevin and I don’t have to talk all the time.”

  “We know,” Chloe chimed in. “You just don’t ever not talk.”

  “Ana and I never fight.” Kevin’s deep voice reached across the table and urged me to acknowledge him. Hesitantly, I did and met his pleading gaze. I knew it must have hurt him that I had avoided him, but I didn’t know how to act normal.

  “Well, if you ever do, you know I have your back, babe. I can kick Kevin’s ass.” Sean placed his hand on mine and leaned in to kiss the side of my head. With his lips pressed to the skin at my temple, I held Kevin’s stare, trying to decipher the emotions rolling across his dark eyes. His chest rose with a deep breath before he released me from his gaze, his easy mask slipping in place.

  “You can try, asshole.”

  Sean took the bait and the table full of our friends fell into their usual banter. I managed to avoid Kevin for the rest of the day. I didn’t look over at the soccer fields when the other girls talked about the boys running shirtless again as we walked to our cars. I put my blinders on and got the hell home.

  Sitting at the desk in my room, I stared over at Kevin’s window rather than focusing on my homework. Thinking of the previous night sent chills of adrenaline through my body and rather than pushing them away, I welcomed them, hoping they would somehow make me immune when I thought of the way he’d kissed me.

  I stared at his dark room and imagined our friendship ending over one stupid incident. I thought about how I wouldn’t have any more late-night talks with him. How every look would be filled with pain at everything we lost because of a stupid kiss that got out of control because of a stupid tickle fight.

  It only took about fifteen minutes to decide I needed to do whatever it took to fix this. Kevin was my best friend and nothing—nothing—was more important than that. Not even being kissed in a way that felt like coming home.

  I grabbed my hoodie and ran out of my house, heading over to his back yard to wait for him by the pool, like we did most nights after practice. I’d sat there for about an hour before I heard a car door. Five minutes later and I heard the sliding glass door and the shuffle of shoes on the pavement. I didn’t look at him as he got closer. My eyes remained on the sky when he scooted the lounger closer to mine and lay down. His sigh spoke more words than I was willing to say, so I stayed silent, just enjoying his presence beside me.

  “Hey,” he whispered.

  His one word was all it took to break the dam on my thoughts. I didn’t want to waste time on pointless conversation. “Let’s not let this change anything. You’re my best friend and nothing is more important than that.”

  It was too dark to read his eyes well enough, but he blinked and I thought I saw him flinch. But he didn’t refute it or try to talk me out of it. He just reached across the space between us and linked his pinky with mine, giving me one word that released me from the panic of losing him. “Okay.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Kevin

  Despite our agreement to not let that night affect our friendship, I couldn’t help it. It seemed to be my own inner turmoil because she moved on like nothing had happened. Or maybe she was just as good as me at hiding it. But no matter how much I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t different, it was. I’d always noticed how beautiful and amazing Ana was, but that night had added a new layer to our relationship. Or maybe it had stripped away the blinders I’d worn around her. Either way, the new revelation into how her lips felt and how her gasps of pleasure tasted seemed to affect every decision I made.

  I began hooking up with more girls, telling myself that I wasn’t thinking about Ana. It was like I had something to prove. That if I could be with someone else, then I was fine. I began assessing every look Sean gave me, wondering if maybe she’d told him or he’d been able to pick up on the tension radiating off me when I was around Ana.

  I ignored the way my heart raced a little bit faster than before as I rushed home from practice, hoping to end the night talking to her. Whether it be on the phone or lying next to her on the patio with our pinkies linked.

  I was in hell trying to keep up with the chaos raging inside me, trying to portray a normal front. After a month, I’d decided it was enough and made myself take the long way home, rather than rush to see her. I planned to go straight to the bonus room and maybe even sleep there so I wasn’t tempted to look out the window and see if she was home. I needed space if I was going to survive.

  But when I got home, I’d gone to my room because I was sure I needed something, and I just happened to look out the window across the yard. My heart froze. Then it pounded harder and harder, my chest barely containing it in its attempt to reach Ana.

  She was sitting on her bed, slouched and staring down at her phone. Her shoulders were shaking, and when she lifted her hand to wipe her cheek, I tossed my plan to avoid her out the window and grabbed my phone.

  Me: Come over.

  Her head jerked up to me standing at my window and, even across the distance, I could see her red eyes and down-turned lips. My chest pinched at seeing her in pain. I didn’t know what had happened, but I hurt for her and wanted to do everything in my power to make it better.

  At her nod, I ran down to the front door and waited. It was raining, so I knew she wouldn’t climb the patio. I opened the door and rushed her upstairs to avoid my parents. When we entered the bonus room, I sat her down on the couch and faced her, putting my hands on her wet cheeks and lifted her face for me to see.

  “Ana . . .” It escaped on a whisper full of pain. My friend was hurting and I hated it. “What happened?”

  She sniffled and took a deep breath, trying to stop the flow of tears. “Apparently, my dad has a new girlfriend and talked to my mom.” I winced, knowing how much anything related to her dad was hard on her. I couldn’t imagine how much it hurt to hear he had a girlfriend. “I’m spending Christmas with them this year so I can meet her. I have no choice in the matter. My mom said I needed to spend time with my father since I’d only seen him a couple times in the past year. What she didn’t say was that she was going to be able to go on a cruise with some old friends since I’d be gone.”

  Her voice wobbled the whole way through, but my strong Ana held it together.

  “How long?” I asked.

  “The whole two weeks.”

  Fuck. I was going to miss her. It sucked and there wasn’t much to say to make it better. I didn’t bother offering her a hollow “I’m sorry.” So instead of trying to find the right words in a shitty situation, I moved next to her on the couch and pulled her into my arms.

  Fuck staying away. She was my friend and needed me. That trumped everything else I could possibly feel.

  “Nice try, fucker,” Sean joked when I missed a shot on goal.

  “Whatever, it was a half-ass attempt at best. A two-year-old could have stopped that goal.”

  We stood around catching our breath when someone asked Sean about Ana.

  “You tapped that yet, Hearst?”

  He laughed and shrugged. “Not yet, man.”

  “Yo
u pussy,” someone else taunted. My muscles tensed at how they were discussing Ana.

  “No pussy here,” Sean argued. “Just because we aren’t fucking, doesn’t mean we aren’t doing other things.” He winked.

  “You gonna set the moves over Christmas break?”

  Fuck, did they not realize I was right fucking there, listening to them discuss tapping my friend. And fuck Sean for allowing them to talk about her like that.

  “I don’t think so. She’s been quiet this past week. When I try to make plans over break, she just turns me down or changes the subject.” He ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “I don’t know if she’s avoiding me or what, but it sucks. I want to see my girl over Christmas. If you know what I mean.” The guys laughed at his meaning and I’d had enough.

  “It’s because she’s spending it with her dad in Tennessee. She doesn’t want to talk about it because she’s pissed,” I said, not even looking up from zipping up my bag. When I stood, it was to silence and I looked around, my eyes landing on Sean’s confused face.

  “Why would she tell you that and not me?” His question was low and filled with frustration.

  “I don’t know, did you ask her?” I felt a little protective of Ana after hearing them. And maybe I felt some pride in the fact that she told me and not him. “Maybe she just feels more comfortable with me.”

  I went too far. I knew it when Sean clenched his jaw. He was one of my closest friends but a part of me was filled with jealousy. This was the guy that was stealing my time with my best friend. But Sean was my friend too, and I shouldn’t have taunted him. He was her boyfriend, even if he was being an asshole.

  “Oh, trust me, Harding, I meet all of her needs, and she sure as hell feels comfortable enough to let me.” He stepped into my space and I held my ground, holding his stare. He stepped a little closer, bumping my chest with his. “Jealous?” he whispered.

  “Of what you do with your tiny dick? Nah.” I shrugged.

  I wasn’t prepared for the shove and almost fell back on my ass. “Just because you’ve had a hard-on for Ana and never acted on it doesn’t mean you get to come in and get her now.” He growled, coming at me again.

  My resentment over all the nights I hadn’t gotten together with Ana; the past couple of months where I’d been haunted by the feel of her skin and the sound of her pleasure came roaring to the surface. Feelings I’d suppressed to keep my friendship with her like it always was rose to the surface, seeking an outlet. “Scared, Hearst? Scared you don’t have what it takes to keep her?”

  “Fuck you. You had your chance.” He shoved me again, but I was ready and didn’t stumble that time and shoved him right back. The next thing I knew, we were locked onto each other. “I know how you look at her asshole, but she’s mine,” he choked out despite my arm around his neck. He kicked my shin and knocked me down. I slammed my shoulder into his stomach and shoved him back as he wrapped his arms at my waist from above me. I was waiting for the moment we took it to the ground when more hands reached in and began pulling us apart.

  We were both sweating and breathing heavily, scowling at each other as our teammates held us apart. What a fucking mess. Sean jerked out of their hold and snatched up his bag. He began walking backward off the field, his finger pointed at me.

  “Stay the fuck away from my girl.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Ana

  “Hey, Babe. Just calling to let you know I landed.”

  “I hate that I don’t get to see you,” Sean said. Again.

  “I know. Me too. Trust me, this is the last place I want to be. And I’m sorry again that I didn’t tell you sooner.”

  “It’s okay. I know it’s hard for you to talk about your dad.”

  But he didn’t know. The only reason he knew was because apparently, Kevin had told him. Which was my fault. I just didn’t want to burden Sean with my issues and didn’t know how to mention it and still avoid any questions he would have had. And I’d had Kev to talk to. I could get it off my chest with him and let it all go. In the moment, telling only Kev hadn’t felt like a big deal. Until Sean had called, raging about how he didn’t want me to talk to Kevin anymore.

  I’d laughed at such an absurd request, but the silence on the other end of the line had told me I was the only one who found it funny. I’d swallowed in fear at his dead silence. Had he somehow found out about me kissing Kevin? Had Kevin told him? I’d managed to stutter a “why” past my numb lips, and he’d asked me why I hadn’t told him about my dad. His answer had thrown me for such a loop, because that wasn’t the response I expected. By the end of the conversation, I’d been so relieved that he hadn’t found out about our kiss, I never asked again why he didn’t want me talking to Kevin. And how funny that I’d been prepared to explain that night away as a simple kiss.

  What a liar I was.

  When I saw Kevin later that night, I’d asked him what had happened, but he’d just shrugged it off saying it was a bunch of testosterone out of control. Either way, I’d had to take a few days to soothe Sean and let him know that nothing was going on between me and Kevin and that I wasn’t pulling away from him. I’d also stood very firm on the fact that I wasn’t going to stop talking to Kevin and promised to be more open with him. I’d also promised to call him every day I was gone.

  “I miss you,” he crooned through the line.

  “Me too. Listen, I should get my bag and find my ride. I’ll call you later?”

  “Okay, babe. Have fun.”

  Chuckling, I pocketed my phone.

  Fun? Yeah, right.

  Pulling up to my old home felt strange. I hadn’t been back since we’d moved. The only time I’d seen my dad was when he was traveling to Cincinnati or somewhere nearby that I could go and meet him. Looking up at the large stucco facade, it no longer felt like home. It looked like a prison, and the thought squeezed my chest. The taxi driver unloaded my suitcases and left, having already been paid by my dad.

  A tall blonde opened the door as I was rolling my bags up the sidewalk. I looked her up and down, taking in her black slacks and eggshell cashmere sweater, topped off with a strand of pearls and an excited smile. I couldn’t help but feel even more detached from the house as she perched herself in the doorway as if she were queen of the manor.

  This was no longer my home. This was now her home, and I was only a guest.

  “Welcome, Anabelle. It’s so nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard so much about you. Your pictures don’t do you justice. You’ve been blessed with such beauty.”

  Frozen. I was frozen to the spot with a dumbfounded look frozen on my face. Nothing came out of my mouth as I stood three steps below her blinking like a deaf mute.

  “Anabelle.” My father’s voice boomed through the open doors before he appeared. “Hey, sweetheart. I’m glad you made it okay. Was your flight smooth?” My gaze flicked to his, and I was still only able to nod. “Good, good. Let’s get you settled.” He grabbed my bags and moved them into the foyer where a housekeeper took it upstairs. “Ana, I want you to meet Shayla,” he said, gesturing to the bubbly blonde.

  Hesitantly, I stuck my hand out and muttered a simple, “Hey.”

  “Nonsense.” She knocked my hand away and pulled me into a hug. Aaaaaaaaaaand we were touching. I think my hands tapped her back. Maybe. It must have appeased her, because she pulled me back and looked me over. “Why don’t you run upstairs and get settled. We’ll have dinner in a couple of hours. I can’t wait to talk to you more.”

  My dad patted me on the shoulder as I walked past, heading for the stairs. “I’ve got some work to do. I’ll see you at dinner. Welcome home.”

  “Do you need me to show you the way?” Shayla offered excitedly.

  Pausing on the second step, I turned slowly and spoke with a dry voice. “No, Shayla. I think I can find my way.” I turned and headed for my room.

  Home? Yeah right. This was no longer my home.

  Walking in the door to my old room, I looked around.
It was now a guest room, stripped of everything that once held anything about me. Most of it I had taken to Ohio, and I guessed the rest was packed away. Hell, maybe Shayla tossed it when she’d decorated her home.

  I pulled my phone from my pocket and flopped down on the bed.

  Me: Kidnap me. Please.

  Kevin: That bad?

  Me: Worse.

  Kevin: I’m on my way.

  Even though his response made me laugh, it made my chest ache more. I missed home. I missed Kevin.

  Me: I wish.

  Kevin: Anytime you need me, I’m a phone call away. Just get through this and then you can come home and I can kick your ass in Twisted Metal all night long.

  Me: Now *you* wish!

  Kevin: ;)

  Dinner was a bigger mess than I could have imagined.

  Shayla was decked out in heels and a silk dress. My mom had always expressed one should look one’s best, but she also knew how to relax and enjoy a family dinner. I wanted to remind Shayla it was just dinner and to let her hair down, but I wasn’t sure she’d get it. She seemed a little spacey.

  She was also sporting the entire jewelry section of a Lifeway Christian store. A gold cross necklace, gold cross earrings, and when she lifted her wine glass, I saw a gold cross ring. It should’ve been all the warning I needed for her next question, but it still baffled me somehow.

  “So, do you like church?” she asked as a woman made her way around the table, serving our food. What was this place? Who were all these people helping to run the house? When we lived here, my mom took care of everything. What the hell was going on? “Because we go to church a couple of times a week.” I couldn’t stop the raised eyebrows I directed at my dad. He’d never gone to church with us. Seeing my reaction, she continued. “Well, I do. Richard comes when he can. He’s a very busy man.”