Shame

by Fiona Cole

  He’s a very non-religious man. He’d hated church when Mom had made him go.

  “Um, I mainly go for the big holidays, like Christmas and Easter, since I’m a good Catholic like that,” I said, joking.

  Her eyes bugged out a little. “Oh,” she clutched her cross, worrying it between her fingers. Probably saying some Hail Marys for me. “Well, we’re Baptist and we take our religion very seriously.”

  Once again, my eyes moved to my father as I drank from my glass. He’d been quiet since we sat down and left me to deal with Shayla as he focused on cutting his steak.

  “Interesting.” It was the only response I could come back with. What the hell was I supposed to say?

  Dinner regressed from there. The food was great, probably made by some five-star chef Shayla had hired. But the conversation was stilted when it came from me or my dad. Shayla did her best to carry on throughout dinner, telling me about her bible study and how she spent her time redecorating the house, but I didn’t care. I just wanted it to be done and go to my room. Or better yet, to go home.

  My real home.

  Kevin: Maybe the next time she drags you to church you can pray for some kind of divine intervention and you won’t have to go.

  Me: I would have taken an apocalyptic ending over today.

  Kevin: That bad?

  Me: She talked about her SEX LIFE. Her. Sex. Life. With my father.

  Kevin: I’m not laughing, I swear.

  Me: Ugh! Fuck you! I’m going to search for a new friend when I get home.

  Kevin: Ha! Yeah right.

  Kevin: Okay, I may regret it, but curiosity is killing me. What tortuous old lady tales did she tell you? Does she have a swing? Tell me she has a sex swing.

  Ana: I hate you.

  Kevin: Spoilsport.

  Ana: Okay, fine. I’ll send you pictures of her in her lingerie. I’m sure you’ll see some old lady boob.

  Kevin: I’d go blind. Fine. You win.

  Ana: I always do.

  Kevin: When do you get in?

  Me: I changed my flight and I’m now leaving right after Christmas rather than staying the whole break. I said I wanted to spend New Year’s with friends.

  Kevin: That’s awesome.

  Me: So, I leave in two days and got the earliest flight out of here. I should be home before dinner.

  Kevin: I can’t wait to see you. Miss you, A.

  Me: Miss you too.

  Kevin: Merry Christmas Eve.

  Me: Merry Christmas Eve.

  Kevin: You come home today!

  Me: Praise Jesus, Halleluiah.

  Kevin: Did Shayla brainwash you with all that church?

  Me: Ha. Ha. She wishes. Save my poor Catholic soul.

  Kevin: Heathen. I bet she prayed for you every night. May the devil depart her body.

  Me: Ha. Ha.

  Me: Don’t ever repeat it, but she wasn’t that bad. I still hate her for taking my mom’s place in my dad’s life. But I guess this time, she wasn’t bad.

  Kevin: Mum’s the word.

  Kevin: You okay?

  Me: Yeah. Just ready to get home.

  Kevin: Anyone in particular picking you up from the airport?

  Me: My mom.

  Kevin: How about I come get you? Save her the trip.

  Me: You don’t have to.

  Kevin: I want to.

  Me: Okay. Thanks. I’ll let her know.

  Me: I’m going to tackle-hug the shit out of you.

  Kevin: I’ll be sure to brace myself.

  Me: Change of plans, I’m coming home today!

  Sean: Hey Babe! That’s great. What time will you get in?

  Me: I should be home before dinner.

  Sean: Cool. Maybe we can get together before school starts back up. You know how it goes. Super busy with family over the holidays. But I’ll make time for my girl.

  Me: Thank you. And I would love to see you.

  Sean: Miss you.

  Me: Miss you too.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Kevin

  The beginning of the year seemed to fly by. Ana and I had hung out the night she got back from Tennessee, but since then it had been sporadic. On New Year’s Eve, my family had traveled to Columbus to spend it with my aunt and her family. It was fun, but the whole night I’d missed Ana.

  The tension that had spiked before Christmas break with Sean had simmered down. He came over before school started to talk it over and hang out. We’d handled our problems like men and duked it out on the PlayStation. By the end of the night, we’d snuck a couple of beers from the fridge and downed them while we ate pizza.

  Since then, everything had gone back to normal. Thank God, since the soccer season had started back up and we needed to focus on being a team.

  “Nice shot, Harding,” Sean shouted from the goal. “I felt bad for the other three you missed so I let that one go in.”

  “You couldn’t have stopped that if I told you what I was doing before I did it. And those other three were just warm up for that ass whooping I just gave you.”

  “Too bad you need a warm up. I’m hot right off the press. Just ask Ana.”

  I let the comment roll off my back because in our conversation earlier he’d let me know that things were moving slow with Ana. There wasn’t much “hot” going on when they were together. I ran backward toward center field and flipped him off. “Fuck you, Hearst.”

  “You wish. When’s the last time you got laid anyways, Harding? You desperate enough to let a man do that job for you?”

  “If I was, I wouldn’t be coming to your little sissy ass.”

  “That’s enough, boys,” our coach interrupted from the sidelines. “We going to play soccer or bitch at each other?”

  Sean wasn’t wrong, however. It had been a while since I’d gotten laid, or gotten any action at all. It was April and the last time I’d hooked up had been in March. It had been the first game of the season, and she was from the opposing team’s school. I’d figured I wouldn’t have had to see her again.

  It hadn’t gone well. It hadn’t even started well. I let it happen because she came on strong and I was depressed watching my teammates couple up. I hadn’t seen Ana all week and there she was at the game, giving all her attention to Sean. Which was what she was supposed to do since he was her boyfriend. It hadn’t stopped me from being jealous.

  So, when this hot chick came up to me, tugging down her already low-cut shirt, and whispered in my ear that she loved the way I played, I’d asked her to come to the local diner with some friends afterward. Her hand had been glued to my upper thigh through the whole meal and her pinky ventured higher on each sweep. I almost jumped out of my seat when she got brave enough and cupped my junk through my jeans. She’d laughed and leaned in. “Take me out to your car and let me see what feels so great under my hand.”

  I’d made hasty excuses to the guys and drove to a park nearby. She was bold, and maybe I’d let myself go a little too far and enjoy the feel of so much attention, but halfway through, I’d squeezed her hips tight, loving the way her soft flesh gave way under my fingers. Until she shouted out in pain and leveled me with an accusatory glance that punched me right in the chest. She must have thought I was a monster. An abuser.

  The wave of disgust in myself washed over me, making me go soft. I’d needed out of that car and away from the girl. I’d ended up faking an orgasm and getting her off with my hand and taking her home. She gave me her number, but I had no intention of calling her. She’d left a lasting mark on my self-confidence. I didn’t need another go.

  Plus, I’d only given in to her because she went to another school. If anything had gotten out about me and how I’d acted with her, I had a chance of it not spreading like wildfire that the senator’s son was a freaky, abusive asshole. We’d had enough scandal at our school. I hadn’t wanted to add to it.

  “Hey, the girls are here,” Isaac’s voice distracted me from my thoughts. I looked up into the stands and saw Jane, Gwen, Chloe, and
Ana watching the scrimmage. I waved at Ana and tried not to be disappointed when she quickly turned her attention to Sean. He was her boyfriend, and she seemed happy. If I was a good friend, I’d swallow my jealousy and be supportive of my two closest friends. Instead, I clenched my fists and forced myself to turn back to the game.

  I was a fucking mess.

  We scrimmaged three more rounds before practice ended. As I approached the bench to collect my bag, I heard one of the guys on the team talking to Sean.

  “You going to ask her?”

  “Hell yeah, I am.” Sean cleared the metal bench, shoving equipment and backpacks to the ground, then climbed up on it.

  “Ana,” he shouted. “My teddy bear. Apple of my eye. Sun in my sky. The beat to my heart. The syrup to my pancakes.”

  “That doesn’t even make sense,” Isaac murmured below him.

  Sean gave him a shove with his foot before continuing.

  “Will you do me the greatest honor of going to prom with me?”

  Ana laughed along with the other girls. “You’re a mess, Sean.”

  “Is that a yes? I think it’s a yes.” He looked around at us. “Guys, did you hear?” He threw his hand over his chest and bellowed, “She said yes!”

  Ana shook her head. “Yes, Sean. It’s a yes.”

  He hopped down from the bench and did a victory lap around the field, pumping his arms like a lunatic. Even I had to laugh.

  I couldn’t be mad at him for taking up her time, because he was a good guy and he always managed to make us all laugh. Ana deserved to have a nice guy like that.

  Not someone like me.

  “Jane, you going to our prom with your boyfriend or his prom?” I asked, after the girls left the stands to join us on the field. Everyone paired off, except Jane and me, since we were the only ones without partners in the group.

  “We broke up last month.”

  “Oh. Sorry to hear that.” Although to be honest, she didn’t seem very broken up about it.

  “Shit happens. I’m seventeen. It’s not like I was going to marry him.” Her answer made me wonder if asking her to prom casually could work. She didn’t seem too attached, like if I asked her she’d assume we were dating or anything. What the hell? At least if I went with her, I wouldn’t have to be alone.

  “You want to go to prom together? I mean it’s not a fancy, crazy proposition like Sean’s, but I figured we could go as friends.”

  I’d barely got the words out before she agreed. “Hell, yeah.”

  I’d not pursued Jane because she was in our group of friends, and the more this sick desire plagued me, the more afraid I was of someone finding out. God forbid I go out with Jane and we mess around and I slip up, freak her out, and she tells everyone what a psycho I am. Then what? They’d probably all accuse me of being an abusive dick. It was bad enough that I’d already lost control with Ana.

  I watched her and Sean walking toward the parking lot, his arm around her shoulder.

  Ana was my best friend, and mistake or not, she’d never tell anyone.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Ana

  “Mom, enough with the pictures.”

  She snapped at least thirteen more before I could get away.

  “I can’t help it. My baby girl looks gorgeous. So grown up.” She covered her mouth as tears filled her eyes.

  “Mom.” I laughed at how emotional she was getting. “Stop.”

  “Okay, okay. I’m going to get ready for dinner with my friends, but I’ll be over to take pictures of you and Sean before you leave. Now go on.” She shooed me out the door.

  “Okay. Love you, Mom.”

  “Love you too.”

  I made my way over to Kevin’s house where we were all meeting up for the limo to pick us up. Isaac’s SUV sat in the driveway, which meant the guys were already there. I stepped inside and was greeted by Kevin coming down the stairs. Seeing him in a tuxedo with his hair swooped back had me pausing with my hand frozen on the open door.

  “Hey,” he whispered, looking me up and down. His eyes felt like a caress as they scraped over my nearly exposed chest. My dress was a pale, barely there pink, with a floor-length chiffon skirt and a lacy fitted top that had the perfect amount of sparkle. The V-neckline showed just the right amount of cleavage, but in the back, it dipped so low, you could see almost my whole spine. It hadn’t felt too risqué until I stood wrapped in Kevin’s stare.

  The silence stretched between us as we took each other in. Unable to handle it anymore, I closed the door and tossed out a joke. “I guess you’ll do.”

  He came the rest of the way down the stairs and stood in front of me. Even in heels, I had to look up to him. We were only a foot apart, yet I felt a pull, like I was fighting to not step any closer or I would fall into his chest.

  “I’ll do?” he asked, quirking an eyebrow, his voice low and deep.

  “I guess.” Maybe if I took a step closer, took a deep breath and let my chest brush against his, I could’ve pretended it was an accident. Just a small brush to ease the tug between us. His long fingers grazed my cheek as he tucked a strand of fallen hair behind my ear. Chills spread from the point of contact down my spine.

  Biting my lip, I breathed him in. His scent, all classic boy with a dash of cologne, called out for me to reach for him, to support myself against him. Just a step closer.

  “There’s my girl.” Sean came barreling out of the kitchen and down the hallway. “Out of my way, Harding.” He pushed Kevin aside and swooped me up in a hug, kissing my temple before setting me down and taking me in. “Hot. Dayum. I’m going to have the hottest girl at prom. I’m one lucky bastard.”

  Sean did wonders for my self-confidence. Even though we’d been dating almost a year and had done little more than some heavy petting.

  But that wasn’t important.

  Nope.

  Sean pulled me into his arms just as the door opened and the rest of the girls entered in a whirlwind of sparkle and perfume. It wasn’t long before we were outside taking more pictures.

  Gwen and Isaac looked like they could’ve been in a magazine with their picture-perfect looks. Sean picked me up and we laughed through our pictures, despite how many times my mom asked for a serious pose. Chloe looked almost bored with her date, poor guy. And Jane clung to Kevin like a leech. I ignored the way she kept reaching for his hand and pressing it lower on her back.

  She’d been trying to get with him for the past year and it made me feel . . . I didn’t know. I brushed it away because it shouldn’t have made me feel anything. I was saved from sinking too far into my thoughts when the limo pulled up.

  “Okay kids, enjoy the afterparty,” Kevin’s dad said. This year, there was a Vegas-themed all-nighter that started immediately after the prom to entice us not to go out drinking and partying. It worked, because we got fake money to gamble with and plenty of options to keep us busy, from watching movies, to playing on inflatables. “And please don’t do anything that could get me in trouble in the office on Monday. No videos,” he pointed at all the guys.

  “Dad!” Kevin said, clearly embarrassed.

  “Hey, one sex tape scandal is enough for the Ohio government.”

  “We promise, Mr. Harding. None of us upstanding gentlemen are into the freaky stuff like Prince was,” Isaac said, holding up three fingers. “Scout’s honor.”

  Sean smacked Isaac’s hand down. “That’s the sign for the Girl Scouts, dude.”

  Kevin’s dad rolled his eyes at the guys’ antics. He knew he didn’t have to warn us, but he did anyway.

  “Kevin,” his mother called after us as we piled into the limo. “Call us if anything comes up. We’ll be back in the morning.”

  We took about five hundred more pictures in the limo, and during dinner, which was amazing. The only thing not so amazing was how Sean had been distracted by his phone. I tried to get his attention throughout dinner, but I kept losing it. At one point, I’d put my hand on his knee and slowly moved it up before he jer
ked and halted my progress with his hand. Moving it to the top of the table.

  “What?” I asked innocently.

  “It’s the tux, isn’t it?” He pulled at his jacket and gave me a wink. “Irresistible.”

  “It’s all you, baby.”

  He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on my cheek. Always soft.

  Part of me wanted to reach up, pull him down and kiss the living hell out of him, but I refrained, remembering the one time I’d tried to encourage him. He’d kissed me goodnight and I jokingly kind of told him to pull my hair and take what he wanted. Instead, he’d pulled back, looked at me like I’d lost my mind, and then laughed it off. It hurt, and it had left its mark.

  When we reached the convention center where prom was taking place, we snagged a table and put our purses down. Immediately the girls all headed out to the dance floor. Too often, I’d turn to find Sean staring at his phone or looking around the room. When we were hot and tired, we went back to the table to munch on some of the party snacks and drinks.

  We repeated the same process for another hour. Some of the girls even got the guys up to dance with them. Jane looked like she was performing a private dance for Kevin in the middle of the floor. My insides cringed watching how forward she was, but the other girls cheered her on. She’d always seemed so quiet and shy, but she was pulling out all the stops for Kevin’s attention.

  I even got Sean to get up and dance one dance with me. He was a horrible dancer, but he made up for it with exuberance, jumping up and down and giving it his all. Maybe I was being hard on him and he wasn’t really that distracted. But the next song, he returned to the table.

  I danced with Gwen and Chloe, and then, needing another break, I went back to join my date. He pulled me down on his lap. “Having fun?” he asked.

  “It’s always fun to get all dolled up and dance with friends.” I moved his hand to my hip. “And to have a handsome man at my side,” I whispered in his ear. Maybe I was getting desperate for his attention. When a slow song came on, I leaned down and pecked his lips before asking, “Dance with me?”