Shame

by Fiona Cole

  He opened his mouth to answer, but his phone went off again and he turned to check the screen. “Maybe next song, babe. Let me go get drinks,” he said without even looking up. He patted my hip and then moved me to the next seat before taking off.

  A burn began in the back of my eyes at the brush off. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I leaned back in the chair and watched the other couples dance. One song bled into two . . . then three and four. Still, Sean hadn’t returned. A few times Kevin would catch my eye and gesture for me to come dance with him, but I waved his offer away. When he attempted to shimmy in my direction to lure me over, I laughed. But it hurt, squeezing past the pain of having my date leave me there alone.

  I rose and went to the bathroom, killing time while I waited for my missing date. From the lobby outside the ballroom, I could see Sean still hadn’t returned to our table, so I decided to call him. I leaned against the wall and waited for him to answer. I listened to the ringing in my ear, straightening up when I heard the ringing also coming from behind the door to the stairwell next to me. When the ringing stopped, I called again thinking the first time was just a coincidence. Again, the ringing echoed behind the door.

  I pushed the door open slowly, despite the feeling in my gut that nothing good was going to be on the other side.

  My heart sank. Actually, it didn’t sink. It plummeted and crashed at my feet, taking my lungs with it, which would explain why I couldn’t breathe.

  “Yeah . . . Just like that,” Sean growled, encouraging the person kneeling in front of him, head bobbing over Sean’s unzipped pants. The door clicked shut behind me, and Sean’s eyes shot open to see me standing there, frozen in place.

  “Ana. Fuck.” He shoved the guy—yes guy—away and began zipping his pants.

  Run. Leave. Go. My mind shouted at me to get the hell out of there, but my feet were rooted in place. The past months scrolled through my mind as I searched for hints that Sean had been cheating; that he was gay.

  The guy leaned back and dragged the back of his hand across his lips, not looking at all upset at being caught. Bitch.

  “Ana.” Sean’s sharp voice cut through the fog. “Say something.” I couldn’t. He ran his hands through his hair. “Fuck, Ana. It’s not what it looks like.” My eyebrows shot higher at that, because it was pretty damn clear what it looked like. “Okay, it is what it looks like. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I tried with you. I really did, but I just couldn’t, and I didn’t want you to find out. I didn’t want anyone to find out,” he rambled. “Please don’t tell anyone. Please.” He moved toward me and that kicked me into gear.

  I turned and shoved at the door only to find it locked. The fact that my escape was blocked was the final straw, and the tears began to burn the backs of my eyes. I needed to get out before I crumbled. He stood a foot away when I turned, his hands extended in a pleading gesture.

  “Fuck you, Sean!” I slapped him and took the moment of his shock to run down the stairs, praying to find an unlocked door.

  The bottom door gave way when I pushed and the cool night air washed over me, chilling against my wet cheeks, and I took my first deep breath since having my insides ripped out. Thankfully, I’d brought my purse to the bathroom and had everything with me. I called a cab and was blessed with a silent driver, not the least bit interested in my quiet sobs.

  My mom’s car was in the driveway, but it was late and she would most likely be in bed. I couldn’t handle an interrogation, so I snuck up to my room and curled into a ball on my bed, finally letting the reality of it all sink in and carry me away in a sea of misery.

  Sean was gay. And he’d used me as a cover up. He’d cheated on me. It was too much. The fact that he was gay was irrelevant. He’d cheated, and that hurt more than anything. He’d used me. I’d cared for him, and he’d used me.

  Like it was on repeat, the thought battered my already beaten heart and rang around my head until I cried myself to sleep.

  Hands brushed my forehead and I rolled my face into the calloused tips. As the fog cleared, the night came rushing back, and I jerked up, hoping it wasn’t Sean or some burglar.

  “Shhh. It’s me,” Kevin whispered. I stared up at him wide-eyed trying to process what the hell was happening. How had he gotten there? What time was it? Looking over at the clock I saw eleven fifty-five glowing back at me. “I came as soon as I found out you left.”

  He sat on the edge of my bed and my tense shoulders sagged, letting the sorrow seep in again.

  “Ana . . .” His soft tone broke any resistance I’d had against falling apart. My shoulders shook from the sobs, and he pulled me into his chest, doing his best to hold me together as I crumbled. “I’m so sorry, A. So sorry.”

  I didn’t know how long we sat there, but when I pulled back, his shirt had a sizeable wet patch. I wiped my eyes and left my head resting on his broad shoulder as he rocked us back and forth.

  “I didn’t even get to have a slow dance.” I didn’t know why that was the first thing I thought of, but it was. Maybe because it was the safest thing to say, and the absurdity of how stupid it was made me laugh. Kevin laughed hesitantly, probably expecting me to burst into tears again.

  He dropped a kiss to the crown of my head. “Hold on.” Standing, he looked around my room. The lights were still out, but my desk and floor were illuminated by the full moon shining in the open curtains. He grabbed my iPod and headphones from the desk and turned to me. “Your mom in her bedroom?”

  “Yeah, probably.”

  He scrolled through my iPod, pressed a few buttons, and then held out his hand. “May I have this dance?”

  Confusion contorted my face. “What?”

  Snagging my hand, he pulled me from the bed and held the headphones up before placing one in his ear and the other in mine. He clicked another button and Secondhand Serenade’s Fall For You came through. Kevin lifted my hands around his neck and stepped closer, resting his on my lower back.

  He was giving me my slow dance.

  More tears burned my eyes, but they were because I was so unbelievably grateful that I had been blessed with such an amazing human being. It was hard to hold onto all the anger I’d been feeling earlier when Kevin held me close and swayed me back and forth. I rested my cheek on his chest and let his heartbeat fill my other ear. My fingertips trailed up his neck and played with the longer strands brushing his collar, as I let his kindness put back the pieces of me that had been broken in that stairwell.

  “You look beautiful tonight.” The words vibrated against my ear from his chest. “Sean’s a dick for missing out on this—for not appreciating you. I don’t know what the hell he was thinking picking another girl over you.”

  I pulled back with a furrowed brow. It took me a minute to process that Kevin didn’t know that Sean was gay. That he had cheated on me with a guy. A part of me wanted to divulge Sean’s secret; shout it from the rooftops and hurt him as much as he hurt me. I wanted to, but I wouldn’t. It was Sean’s secret to tell, and no matter how much I hated him at that moment, I wouldn’t stoop to his level, causing another person, even him, so much pain.

  Kevin mistook my silence for doubt, and dipped his head to make sure I looked in his eyes. “You are perfect, and he doesn’t deserve you.”

  He spoke with so much conviction I wanted to believe him. “You’re just saying that because you have to as my friend.”

  “I’m your best friend. I’ll always be honest with you and tell you when you look like a mess.” Somehow, he managed to make me laugh. “But tonight? Tonight you were the most beautiful girl there.”

  Staring up at him, I looked for the joke behind his eyes. But he only stared back with sincerity before leaning in and placing a gentle kiss on my lips. Just a peck.

  Then he pulled back and let the next song play, holding me close as we danced.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Ana

  The end of the school year passed in a blur despite the shifts in relationships. Kevin and Sean stopp
ed talking except for soccer for about a month. Even after the season was over, it was only minimal conversation. I think Sean regretted his actions more because it had hurt his friendship with Kevin, rather than because he’d hurt me. My friendship with the girls took a hit when I found out that Chloe had known Sean was cheating on me. It took all I had to bite my tongue and not unleash a torrent of insults on her stupid, fucking, idiotic, twat-face. She was so damned self-centered and dumb that she didn’t even see anything wrong in what she’d done, or didn’t do, when she’d casually announced that she’d known but hadn’t felt it was her place to tell me.

  Losing that closeness with my girlfriends was depressing, and I found myself missing Tennessee for the first time since I’d moved. I’d thought I was fitting in and was one of the girls, but when push came to shove, their loyalties lay elsewhere. It was a hard reality to accept. Then of course there was Jane, who was doing very little to hide her bitterness over the fact that Kevin had ditched her to chase after me.

  We were all a mess.

  It had made lunch super awkward since we all sat at the same table, still pretending nothing was wrong. We acted like the silence between us was normal. At least we were civil to one another. We’d even managed to have another end-of-the-year party. This time with no one crying in a bathroom. Even though I wouldn’t mind Sean crying. Maybe from a swift kick in the nuts. But I kept those ragey urges to myself.

  But as the summer moved on, the pain eased and my anger lessened. As I got further away from the incident, I realized I wasn’t that invested in Sean. He’d made me happy and he made me laugh, but I’d had to overlook a lot of things I would’ve preferred in a relationship. With acceptance came relief. And I welcomed it with open arms.

  Once summer began, I had plenty of time to focus on my friendship with Kevin. We spent almost every day in his backyard, soaking up the sun and each other’s company. Occasionally, I’d get together with Gwen, but not as often since I still had a hard time feeling comfortable around Chloe and Jane.

  But for the most part, Kevin and I were glued at the hip.

  Like we would be again tonight. My mom had left early for a meeting at a charity she was involved in, and I decided to head over to Kevin’s early as well. I snagged my bag with my bathing suit and a change of clothes and dashed across the lawn.

  I went to open the door and found it locked. When I went to grab the spare key, I was hit with a wave of déjà vu remembering the last time I’d arrived early to greet Kevin. I opened the door and made my way upstairs.

  At the top, I was greeted with muted moans and grunts. For a moment, my mind raced with images of Kevin having a girl over. My stomach rolled and my face heated. I considered backing out, ignoring the whole experience so I didn’t have to face whatever girl he had in his room.

  But I didn’t.

  My palm reached the cool wood of the door and slowly pushed it open a crack. The thud of my heart almost drowned out the noises coming from his room. With the door opened enough, I could see Kevin leaned back in his desk chair. The sleeve of his shirt pulled tight around his straining bicep as it jerked with the force of his hand moving over his lap.

  Fuck. Fuck.

  Kevin was jacking off. I should’ve closed the door and backed out. I was going to. But when I moved to step back, I could see the screen of his laptop. A girl was on her knees, naked, with her face pressed to the floor, cringing in pain as a man stood behind her, fucking her ruthlessly.

  My body jerked when the man’s hand cracked against her bare ass cheek, leaving a solid red hand print.

  “Fucking slut. I’m going to use this pussy until I’m done.” More grunts and cries of pleasure. “You fucking like that, whore?”

  Kevin’s moan drew my attention. I was mesmerized by the quick movement of his arm and the straining tension in the chords of his neck. Heat spread over my chest, down through my stomach, and settled between my legs. I squeezed my core, trying to ease the ache forming there.

  Beneath the throb and the ache growing by the second, another feeling settled.

  Relief. Sweet relief that Kevin was watching and getting off to something so crude and violent. Something so dirty.

  Maybe that was what he needed from a relationship, too. Maybe that was why I never saw him with girls. Maybe no one wanted the same things as him. Maybe he was just as scared as I was to try something most would call wrong.

  Maybe I wasn’t so alone.

  The one time we’d kissed, I’d thought that maybe I wasn’t so wrong in what I wanted to have done to me. But in the end, I’d talked myself out of it, brushing it off as the heat of the moment.

  I shouldn’t have been standing there, watching him. I should’ve walked away and allowed him his privacy. But excitement coursed through me. The sexual throb urged me to push the door open wider. Nerves rolled across my stomach and electrified the beat of my heart, making it erratic.

  It didn’t hit me how wrong it could’ve gone until he looked over his shoulder and his eyes widened in panic. He jerked and tried to close the computer while simultaneously putting his dick back into his pants. But he stumbled and the computer fell, screen still open. The woman’s urgent moans and the man’s cruel words surrounded us, filling the shocked silence.

  My eyes stayed glued to the screen as Kevin stuttered out an apology. “Fuck, Ana. I’m sorry.”

  “Is that what you’re into?” The question tumbled out. I fought a cringe that I’d asked something so personal, but I’d needed to know. It beat inside me, unrelenting in the desperation to know I wasn’t alone. “Is that what gets you off?” I asked quietly. Forcing my eyes away from his laptop, I saw his head dropped in shame. I didn’t say anything, just waited for an answer. His tense shoulders rose and fell with a deep breath.

  “No,” he grunted before stuttering more answers. “Yes. I mean, shit. Fuck. I mean, it just popped up. I was clicking and not really paying attention. It was . . .” His answer faded when he looked up at me, his face scrunched in pain.

  “I thought I was the only one,” I whispered, confessing my secret, hoping he would do the same.

  “What?”

  The video must have ended because the room was void of all sounds other than our breathing.

  “I thought . . . I thought I was the only one who thought about that.” I gestured to the computer lying on the ground.

  Kevin ran a hand through his hair and turned, pacing a few steps at a time. “Fuck, Ana. I mean . . . What that was . . .” Kevin started at least five more sentences, trying to process my confession and make excuses all at the same time. In the end, he stopped and let his arms fall limp at his sides. His Adam’s apple moved up and down before dropping his own confession. “I thought I was the only one too.”

  “I thought something was wrong with me.”

  He moved swiftly across the room and wrapped his arms around me. “No. Never. Nothing could ever be wrong with you.” Pulling back, he put his hands on my cheeks and lifted my face. “Nothing,” he whispered again. His chocolate eyes flicked across my face, and the space between us crackled with tension and unsaid words. But when my tongue slicked across my lips, he groaned, and leaning in, his mouth crashed into mine.

  It had been almost a year since I’d felt Kevin’s lips on mine, but it could’ve been yesterday for how familiar it was. My scalp tingled where his long fingers pushed into my hair as he held me close, assaulting my mouth, demanding entrance with his tongue.

  My body lost itself in his arms, begging for him to do with me what he wanted. I didn’t want to be alone in this desire anymore. I dug my fingers into the muscles of his back, breaking free of his mouth. “Share this with me,” I pleaded. “I don’t want to be alone in this anymore, Kevin.”

  “Ana,” he gasped, trying to catch his breath. “We can’t. I can’t. You’re my friend.”

  Not that he didn’t want to. But that I was his friend. The very reason I wanted to do this with him.

  “I trust you,” I said,
trying to coax him into giving in. “Take me, Kevin.”

  I’d barely got his name out before his lips were on mine, ravaging them in a way I’d only dreamed of in the darkest parts of the night where no one would have judged me. My heart dropped when he stepped back, sure he was going to stop and leave me with desire and desperation raging through me.

  “Get on your knees,” he commanded.

  “What?” I struggled to understand what he was saying in the haze of excitement and disappointment that he’d stopped kissing me.

  “I said kneel,” he repeated.

  My heart kicked up at the deep commanding tone. A sound I’d dreamed of being used on me. Trying to control the breaths sawing through my parted lips, I knelt.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Kevin

  Fuck, fuck, fuck.

  The mix of emotions raging through me were frying my nerves. I felt too much and my body was shaking from the inside out. Ana—my Ana—knelt before me, looking at me with the same lust and nerves that consumed me. But there was something else that sparked behind her blue eyes. Something I recognized.

  Relief.

  Relief that we had found someone who understood the unnatural parts inside us. Relief that we weren’t alone in our desires. If she had been suffering anything like I’d been, I wanted to give this to her as much as I wanted it for myself.

  Fuck, fuck, fuck.

  But I needed to clear my head. If we were going to do this, I needed to focus. I only partly knew what the fuck I was doing; guided by porn videos and instinct. I couldn’t fuck this up. I swallowed the lump in my throat trying to choke me. Ana held her head high, giving off a brave front. But I knew she had to be just as nervous as I was.

  When my hand lifted toward her face, we both noticed the tremble. I hesitated, making a fist to control the shake.