Shame

by Fiona Cole

“Don’t, Ana. There’s nothing to be sorry for. I respect you and don’t want to rush anything you’re not comfortable with yet. I’m fine with taking our time.” He moved to lift a bite of eggs to his mouth, but then stopped and put his fork down, looking at me. “Are you a virgin?”

  If I had been drinking, I would have spit it out all over his face. I barely held back the shocked laughter at the question. I couldn’t keep the smile from my mouth when I shook my head. “Um, no.”

  He laughed, which had me laughing. “Okay. Just checking.”

  With that conversation out of the way, we finished breakfast and got on the road. He made me laugh the whole way home, getting me to play road trip games that I’d never heard of. When I suggested slug bug, his soft fist-taps to my shoulder cracked me up. Not that I planned on him really slugging me, but he was too much of a gentleman to do more than a light graze. My sides hurt by the time we pulled up to my apartment, and I kind of hated to get out of the car.

  Maybe Andrew didn’t spark a fire inside me, but he made me laugh and made me feel safe. He described a future I wanted to be a part of, and with the weekend away, he’d let me see another side of him. A side I wasn’t ready to give up just yet.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Kevin

  “Come get coffee with me,” I said to Ana as she packed up her calculus book. She kept her head down and didn’t give me her usual smile and nod when I asked to hang out with her after class. I knew our argument weighed on her, but I didn’t expect her to start avoiding me, so, I pushed. “It wasn’t a question, Ana.”

  That got her attention. She finally lifted her head to glower at me with pinched lips. Lips I still wanted to bite even when they were mad at me.

  “Fine, but only for a bit.”

  We didn’t talk during our walk to the University Center coffee shop and she stood too far away for me to grab her hand. When we ordered, I paid, ignoring her arguments that she could buy it herself. I knew she could, but I liked treating her.

  I grabbed a table in the back wanting as much privacy with her as possible. She’d been giving me the cold shoulder since we’d gotten back from Florida and it didn’t sit well in my stomach. Every short response to one of my text messages or phone calls that she ignored, caused my panic to rise. Was she trying to distance herself from me, or did she just need space to process our argument?

  Well, I’d given her spring break and that was about all I was capable of. She would talk to me even if I had to come across like a stalker. Anabelle was my friend, and I wouldn’t let her slip through my fingers again.

  Shaking off my worry, I started with a simple question to break the tension.

  “How was the rest of your break?” At least I thought it was an easy question, but I noticed a pink tinge to her cheeks before she looked down at her thumb sliding across the lid of her coffee.

  “Good.” She cleared her throat and then looked back up, the blush gone. “I didn’t do much but get caught up on school work and spend time with my mom.”

  “How’s she doing? She seemed to really enjoy Florida.”

  “She did. Please thank your parents again for me for letting us come.”

  “Oh come on, Ana. You’re family. Hell, you can go there even when we aren’t. You know my parents love you.”

  “Maybe I will. Mom looked more carefree there than I’d seen her in a while.”

  “Your mom has to be the most put-together sick person I’ve ever encountered. She could be in the middle of an apocalypse and would still find some makeup.”

  Ana laughed and it eased the tightness in my chest. “She didn’t teach me too much, but she did always tell me that a woman can be a mess but hold it together with a good lipstick and mascara.”

  Her smile dimmed and I hated the sadness that lingered around her eyes. “Have dinner with me,” I asked on impulse. I wanted—no needed—to take care of her. I knew she was going to blow me off when she wouldn’t meet my eyes anymore.

  “I don’t know, Kev. I have a lot to do and my roommate may be home, and I figured we’d hang out.”

  “Okay,” I answered with a calm I didn’t feel at her rejection. “If you change your mind, we can always order pizza.”

  “Did someone say pizza?” Will interrupted. “I’m down to crash anyone’s night.”

  “Hey, Will.” Ana waved. “Apparently, you’re in luck. Kevin will be ordering pizza tonight and since you live so close to him, he could use your help eating it.”

  “Anything to help a friend out.” Will nodded at me.

  “Thanks, Teddy Brosevelt.”

  “Anytime, Marco Brolo.”

  “Appreciate it, Fidel Castbro.”

  “I’m here for you, Pablo Picassbro.”

  “Oh, my god, that’s enough,” Ana interrupted, laughing. “What are you two going to do without each other after graduation?”

  “Well, Kevin will probably take that Zumba class he’s always wanted to try, but I’ve been too manly to let him.”

  “You’re just jealous you can’t pull off the sweet dance moves I have.”

  “Yeah. Super jealous of your two-step.” Will rolled his eyes, laughing as he turned to Ana. “What are you doing once school is out?”

  “I actually have three interviews set up at different schools. I’ve been offered a position at a school I’ve aleady interviewed at, but I want to keep my options open.”

  “All the boys are going to be dying to take chemistry to be with the hot teacher.”

  “Watch it,” I warned, shoving Will’s shoulder. “That’s my friend you’re talking about.”

  He put his hands up, but still blew a kiss to a laughing Ana. I tried not punch him for even play-flirting with Ana. I didn’t think his surfer boy looks appealed to her, but the past week had me feeling like I didn’t know Ana at all.

  “What about you Will? What’s on the calendar for you after graduation?” Ana asked.

  “More school. I’ll be going to med school right here, so I won’t have to worry about moving and I can still be close to my mom and have her home cooking.” Closing his eyes, he rubbed his flat stomach and hummed.

  “There’s a way to get the ladies,” I joked. “You want to come over for a home-cooked meal by my mommy?”

  “Hey. Moms are awesome,” Ana defended. “Yours is great and I’d come over for her cooking any time.”

  “Yeah,” Will agreed. “Have you decided to leave yours yet, mama’s boy?”

  “What?” Ana asked, her head jerking to face me.

  I leaned back in my seat, stretching my legs out, trying to bump against Ana’s, but missing. “I’ve got two job interviews, both in sports advertising. One here, and one in Colorado.”

  “Colorado?” Ana asked in a high-pitched voice, probably louder than she intended since she immediately lowered it. “Which one are you leaning toward? Why Colorado?”

  With each question, she leaned further and further into the table, and I had to hide my smile at her obvious distress.

  “I’m not sure yet. I’ve talked about it with my parents, and of course they want me to stay here, but understand if I want to explore.”

  She nodded with a stoic look on her face before blurting, “I have to use the restroom.”

  Will and I bullshitted until she came back. Ana tugged off her jacket, and her upper back were left bare.

  “Whoa, Ana. What happened to your back?” Will asked when she shifted and turned to rest her jacket on the back of her chair. She brushed her fingers along her skin and I saw the red scrapes in between her shoulder blades surrounded by faded yellow bruises. They were from spring break when I’d taken her on the side of the condo, pushing her hard into the wood siding.

  A deep red crept into her cheeks as her eyes widened, and she started stuttering. “I . . . umm . . . I tripped in my bedroom carrying my suitcase and fell back against the edge of the door.” Her hand swung in front of her, waving away the incident, but I knew she was panicking and the redness only burned
brighter on her cheeks.

  My stomach sank and I felt like a dick. Guilt ate away at me for putting her in that situation. The one situation she said she was always so scared of and there we were, explaining away our pleasure. I hated knowing that she felt ashamed of having it there. She was beautiful in every way and it made me a bigger dick because it turned me on knowing it was there because of me.

  “Really? It looks like a pretty big bruise.” Will furrowed his brows and scanned Ana’s flushed cheeks. “Did, uh . . . did anything happen over spring break? I know you’re dating that guy.” His eyes flicked to mine, checking my reaction. I struggled to shrug my shoulders and come off like I didn’t know anything.

  “No.” Ana held up her hands and shook her head. “Nothing like that. Really it was just my fault.” Her voice wavered and each dip hit me harder than the last.

  “You know you could always talk to us.” Will spoke slowly. “I know I’m just Kev’s friend, but I’m always open to help a lady.”

  Ana’s mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water and I stepped in to help. “Ana is pretty clumsy.” I laughed before leveling a serious stare at her. “But she would never let a man hurt her. She’s too bad ass for that.”

  “Ana’s too badass for what?” Andrew magically appeared behind us and I watched Ana’s face cringe before smoothing out.

  “Nothing,” she laughed it off. “Hey, Andrew.”

  “Ana’s got a bruise and I wanted to make sure she really got it from a door. Kevin was reminding us how badass Ana is and that she wouldn’t let anyone hurt her.” Will delivered his recap with a serious tone, warning Andrew.

  “You got hurt? You have a bruise?” He leaned down and began scanning her body, searching for the mark. “Where?”

  “It’s nothing. Seriously.” I could hear the exasperation in Ana’s voice. She was getting close to snapping. “I fell against the door and I’m fine. Now drop it.”

  “Okay,” Andrew and Will said in unison.

  “Like, I said: badass,” I said, trying to support her, even though I was the asshole who put her in that position.

  Andrew let his eyes narrow a bit at me before turning his attention back to Ana, who stood to hug him.

  Asshole.

  “What are you doing here?” Ana asked.

  “Just coming to get a coffee.”

  “Duh.” Ana laughed and smacked her head with the palm of her hand.

  “Well, I won’t keep you,” Andrew said, still scanning her in concern. “I have a meeting I have to get to. I was wondering if you wanted to get together tonight.”

  I ground my teeth together and clenched my fists under the table as I watched him touch her bare arm and shift her to the side to ask her his question. I sat quietly, waiting for her answer. I couldn’t have been held responsible for my actions if she agreed to meet him after turning me down.

  “I’m sorry, but I don’t think so. I’m pretty busy. Maybe another night?”

  “Definitely,” Andrew answered and flicked his eyes over at me. He leaned down to press a kiss to her cheek, too close to her lips for comfort, and stepped back to walk away. “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I had a good time this weekend. We should do it again. I know a great B&B in Indiana.”

  He disappeared through the door and my whole body tingled. Rage bubbled below the surface as I processed that she’d spent the weekend with another guy. Shock that she’d lied to me froze me, making it hard to feel the extent of my anger.

  “Well, guys, it was good to see you, but I have to head to the library to study.” Ana began excusing herself, not meeting my eyes. “I’ll see you later.” She slipped her jacket back on and grabbed her bag. I stared, slack-jawed, as she made her exit.

  The chime of the bell with the opening door zapped me out of my haze and my muscles had me moving before I’d made a decision to go after her. I caught up to her just around the corner of the building, and I grabbed her wrist. Ana yelped when I jerked her to a stop and stared at me with wide shocked eyes.

  “What the hell, Kevin?”

  “Did you sleep with him?” I growled.

  Her lower jaw snapped shut and she narrowed her eyes at me. I didn’t care. My shock faded and only left the boiling rage that heated my skin at the thought of him touching her—fucking her.

  “That’s none of your business.”

  I knew that. It didn’t matter, because I needed to know or I would lose my shit.

  “Did. You. Sleep. With him?”

  She stared me down, her nostrils flaring around her irritated breaths, and I began to fear her answer, she made me wait so long.

  “No.” She ground the word out through her clenched jaw.

  Relief like I’d never known before swamped my body, and I loosened my grip on her wrist. She took advantage and twisted her arm free. I let her storm off, knowing I was acting like a dick of epic proportions. Uncontrollable jealousy raged through me.

  The more time I spent with Ana as we struggled through our desires together, I felt like I lost a little more control. For someone who prided himself on his control, for someone who desired to always have it, it scared the living shit out of me to be losing it.

  Chapter Forty

  Ana

  “We finished calculus. Let’s celebrate.”

  Kevin standing in my doorway with yellow roses and a lemon cupcake made my heart skip a beat, followed by a heaviness I couldn’t hide from much longer.

  I rubbed at my forehead, fighting off the headache from finals week. “I’m not in the mood, Kevin. I have three more exams this week and a paper.”

  A heat spread between my legs at the thought of celebrating with Kevin, negating my lie of not being in the mood. I was stressed and I was tired, but Kevin always made me feel lighter.

  I missed being with him.

  We hadn’t been sexual with each other since spring break almost a month ago. My weekend with Andrew had left me more confused than ever, and I knew I couldn’t keep putting him off. It was as though the last three weeks of school were a countdown and time closed in on me, forcing me to make a decision about where I wanted my future to go.

  The hard truth was that I didn’t trust myself around Kevin. I’d needed to give myself space to think without the feel of his hands and lips all over my body coaxing me to submit.

  “What’s going on, Ana? You’ve been avoiding me since spring break. The sparse lunches and short messages back and forth aren’t enough. I miss you.” Kevin stepped into my apartment and wrapped his arms around my waist, leaning down to bite my neck. I shamefully leaned back to give him access. His tongue flicked out to soothe the pinch of his teeth and I forced myself to step back out of his arms.

  The door clicked shut, and I kept my eyes glued to my feet. My heart raced a thousand miles a minute. I needed to come clean. I needed to end this. I needed to make my decision. It all hammered down on me. My racing heart pounded in my chest and I struggled to breathe.

  “I can’t . . . I can’t do this anymore, Kevin.” The words barely escaped my lips before tears burned the backs of my eyes.

  “Can’t do what?”

  “Us,” I admitted, my hands waving between us. “The sex. I don’t know how to stop being with you, so I took the chicken way out. Avoidance.”

  His head cocked to the side. “What do you mean?”

  Closing my eyes, a tear leaked down my cheek. “I want to be normal, Kevin. I don’t want to explain away bruises and scrapes. I’ve been saying it all semester and now I want to do it. I can’t keep giving in. I need to give normal a chance.”

  “Andrew,” Kevin growled, his jaw clenching.

  “I have to try,” I whispered.

  He paced back to the door. A piece in my chest broke off wondering how long it would be until I saw him again if he walked out that door. Before I could crumble, he turned and came back, his hand rubbing down his face. He stopped only a foot away and his chest heaved as though he had just sprinted a mile.

 
; “I’ll be your normal.”

  My eyes widened.

  “Let’s try something else. Dates. Normal, sweet, gentle sex. No control. No sadism. I’ll be your normal.” He punctuated his words by thumping his chest.

  “Kevin.” I shook my head. “You can’t, and I wouldn’t ask you to give up something that is so much a part of you.”

  “You’re a part of me, Ana.”

  “Kev—”

  “What about you?” he changed tactics when he saw I wasn’t going to respond the way he’d hoped. “What about how this is a part of you? I see how you crumble under the weight of hiding it, and making decisions you just want someone else to make. You need someone to take care of you. I can take care of you.”

  “No, Kevin. I can’t be with you.” Biting my lip, I fought for the next words to say, knowing I asked a lot after turning him away. “I was hoping we could just . . . just be friends. I need your friendship.”

  His laugh answered my suggestion. “Seriously? Just friends?”

  “You’re my best friend, Kev. I can’t lose that,” I begged.

  He stepped closer and pointed at me. “We are more than friends. I can’t just be your friend and watch you be with someone else. Can you honestly say that you could watch me be with another woman?” He stepped into me, leaning down to whisper in my ear. “Knowing I’m giving her what you want?” His lips grazed my cheek, moving to brush against the corner of my mouth. “Knowing I’m giving her what you need?” He pulled back and answered for me. “No, because we love each other. I love you, Anabelle.”

  As though a bomb went off between us, exploding from my chest, I stumbled back from him. I shook my head, fighting off the words trying to seep into me. The shock of hearing the words for the first time, hit me in my chest and dropped to my stomach. They vibrated through my body and the more I tried to process them, the angrier I got. How dare he?

  “No. No, Kevin. You don’t get to drop that on me every time I walk away. It’s not fair.” Clenching my fists, I fought to control the shaking. Fought to get hold of the situation and storm raging through me. I stood tall with my chin high even though my voice still trembled. “You’re my best friend. That’s it. Please don’t take that from me.”