Shame

by Fiona Cole

  I watched his shoulders sag. He’d known me long enough to know what it looked like when I put my foot down. He knew defeat when he saw the conviction on my face.

  “I’m sorry, Ana. I can’t.”

  I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. It was the only thing I heard and it took my strength and broke it in half. I held my spine straight, but it meant nothing as my face crumbled and I let the tears fall. My chest shook with the effort to hold back the sobs trying to break free.

  “I want to be with you.” His voice shook like he was holding back his own tears. “I love you and I want you. But it’s all or nothing. You need to pick one.”

  “Kevin, you know I love you. You’re my best friend, but I can’t—”

  He held up his hand. “Don’t answer now. Think about it, and come to me when you’re ready to decide.”

  Not giving me a chance to respond, he stepped against me again and pressed a hard kiss to my lips, doing his best to press his will into me. I stood and accepted it, trying to remember the way the softness of his lips felt against mine. Trying to remember the way his bottom lip fit perfectly between my own. Trying to remember every last bit and cherish the finality of it. He pulled back just enough to whisper his final plea, letting it brush against my mouth.

  “Pick me, Ana.”

  Then he turned and left. The door clicked shut and the sound hit me like a bullet in the back. I fell to my knees and watched as tears fell into my open palms. I wanted to call him back and tell him how much I loved him, but it wasn’t fair because I couldn’t give him what he needed. Telling him to leave was the right choice, I knew that logically. But in that moment as I heard the click of the door over and over, it felt like everything was wrong.

  A knock at the door brought my head up and I climbed to my feet, pulling myself up using the back of the couch, stumbling across the room. Had he come back? Had he realized it was a mistake to turn away from our friendship? What was I going to do when I saw him on the other side of the door? Fling myself at him in relief that he’d come back?

  With a shaking hand, I twisted the knob and came up short at finding Andrew on the other side. His smile slipped when he looked at my face, probably seeing red eyes and streaked mascara. I tried to pull myself together and wiped at my cheeks, but he stepped in, wrapping his arms around me and kicking the door shut.

  “What did he do?” Andrew asked into my hair. His arms felt as safe as always, and I let myself sink into the comfort. I’d never heard his voice so hard before, and that edge made me answer.

  “Nothing. We just had an argument.”

  “Did he hurt you? Physically?” he added. Clarifying, since I was obviously crushed emotionally.

  I pulled back so he could see my face. “No. He would never hurt me like that.”

  Andrew unwrapped his arms from around me and began to pace the small space in my apartment as I dropped onto the couch. I let him think, knowing he would come to me once he’d found his calm. When he finally did, he knelt on the carpet at my feet.

  “Listen, Ana. I’ve been avoiding this mainly because I was worried I would lose in the competition.” He breathed out a laugh that held no humor. “So, I didn’t push. But seeing you crying because of him, it kills me. So, I’m laying it out there now.” He licked his lips and rested his hands on my knees. “I want to be with you, and I want you to be with me. Just me.”

  His bright blue eyes begged me to not make a fool out of him. They begged me to pick him, just as Kevin had pleaded the same moments earlier. I stared, my breathing echoing around me. “Andrew—”

  “I would never hurt you, and I would never make you cry. I respect you, and we could be happy together. Hell, we are happy together. We laugh and have so much in common. I want to make this something great, Ana. Please.”

  My eyes scanned his face, trying to find my future in it somewhere. He was what I wanted. My normal was right in front of me—coming to me on a blue-eyed, black-haired, sweet, caring platter. All I had to do was give my best smile and say yes. Say yes, I wanted to be a part of his something great.

  But if this was what I wanted, why did it feel like I would be cutting out my heart to be with him?

  Chapter Forty-One

  Kevin

  I ran through the rain and burst through the back doors of the gymnasium. Heads blocked my view in an endless sea of black graduation caps.

  “We’re just about to start. What’s your last name?” a lady holding a clipboard and head piece asked me.

  “Harding.”

  “Oh good,” she sagged. “You’re close to the front. The name tags are up on the wall.” She pointed to the white papers with names printed on them taped to the cream cement blocks. “Find your name and stand there. We’ll be walking out in about a minute, so hurry.”

  I shouldered my way through the people and made it to my spot just as the first few people walked through the door. I searched over my shoulder in hopes that I would find Ana and give her a wave or something, but I saw nothing but the flat black tops of graduation caps. Damn rain had caused a traffic accident and made me late. I’d wanted to talk to her—hug her.

  I missed her.

  I hadn’t talked to her all week, and I couldn’t deny how nervous it had made me, but I wanted to give her space to think. I’d told her to come to me. However, it didn’t stop me from sending the occasional message.

  Unfortunately, it resulted in short responses and maybe an emoticon. While Ana and I could get into a GIF war like no other, she rarely used emoticons. She said they lacked any ingenuity and emotion. I tried not to think too much about it.

  We sat in metal chairs and listened to the keynote speaker drone on about our futures. My mind focused on finding the subtlest way to turn around and see if I could find her. Was she looking at me? Would she meet my eyes and smile? Share the excitement of graduation and roll her eyes at how boring this speech was?

  Before I could concoct a plan, it was my turn to stand and walk down the aisle. Lining up at the side of the stage waiting for my name, I scanned the crowd to catch her eye. Was she watching me? Wishing me the best? Finally, my name was called and I zeroed all my focus into not falling as I shook the university president’s hand and walked down the steps to the other side. Holding the tube that contained my diploma felt final, like my life was about to get started. Everything before that moment was practice.

  I prayed that Ana would be by my side. I’d turned down the Denver job to stay close for her. I had that much faith that she would pick me.

  She had to.

  Just as I sat back in my seat, I watched her make her way down the aisle a few rows back. My chest inflated with hope and happiness, like it was going to explode. She turned in time to catch my smile. I hadn’t seen her in so long, and when I met her blue eyes, the fire exploded inside me, and I fought to sit still and not run to her.

  She gave me a tired smile just as she walked past my row. I hated that I probably had something to do with the dark circles under her eyes. It seemed so obvious that she would pick me. We were Anabelle and Kevin. She was my Ana. Always had been, and she always would be.

  When the announcer called her name, I made sure I cheered the loudest, letting my love and pride in her outshine the rest.

  She was my Ana.

  We were meant for each other.

  After finally seeing her, my body shook with excitement and anticipation of the ceremony ending. We tossed our caps in the air and were announced as free. With the bare minimum of civility, I moved through people to where I saw her sit. She stood, bent over her chair, gathering her belongings and had just turned when I reached her.

  Wrapping my arms around her waist, I lifted her up and hugged her, holding her as close to me as possible. “We did it,” I whispered in her ear, her hair falling to tickle at my lips. I wanted to push it back and kiss her—devour her—and then drag her off to celebrate in a bathroom.

  I pulled back to meet her smiling eyes. They sparkled with the same excit
ement coursing through me. “We did,” she replied.

  Setting her feet back on the ground, I stared at her genuine smile. So much different from the hesitant one she gave me earlier. It reached her eyes and warmed my soul. Seeing it, I knew she would pick me, she just needed the right place to tell me. I loved her and I knew she loved me. More than friends. I refused to believe anything else.

  Her eyes shifted over my shoulder and she pulled out of my grasp.

  “Hey, babe. Congratulations.” Andrew moved past me to Ana and leaned in to kiss her on her lips.

  My eyes blinked rapidly as though the sight of his lips on hers would change. My heart clenched, pulling in, trying to protect itself from the pain hammering away at it. I fought a wave of nausea as my stomach bottomed out.

  He’d never kissed her in front of me before, and Ana had never let him.

  “Hey, Kevin. Congratulations. It’s finally over,” Andrew said, smiling as he threw his arm around Ana’s shoulders. His words held more meaning than the graduation ceremony we’d just finished.

  Ana had picked him.

  She had picked his normal and his waiting in the wings was finally over because she was his. Not mine.

  “Yeah. I guess it is finally over,” I responded, keeping my eyes glued to Ana’s downcast face. She refused to meet my eyes, no matter how much I willed it. I couldn’t stand there anymore. I needed to get the fuck out of there. “I should go find my family.”

  I’d turned and made it three steps when a small hand wrapped around my wrist. Turning, I met her glistening eyes, pleading with me to forgive her. I didn’t know if I ever could. My heart hammered so hard in my chest, it pumped through my veins and the whoosh was the only sound in my head, making everything else a blur. Her soft skin skimmed down my hand and linked her pinky with mine, sending a shard of pain into me. A nail in the coffin of what we’d never have.

  “We’re going out to eat later,” her voice wavered, “to celebrate graduation. My mom and everyone. I’d love for you to come.”

  Taking a deep breath, I scanned her face. Her blond wavy hair pouring out of her cap and flowing over her shoulders. Her dark eyebrows over her gray-blue eyes. Her long nose resting over her perfect cupid’s bow, the perfect match for her overly full bottom lip. It trembled when I said nothing.

  With a final squeeze, I pulled my hand out from hers, unlatching our final connection.

  “I don’t think so. I’m probably going to hang out with Will and my parents.”

  The sheen that covered her eyes grew until it spilled over, running down her cheeks, “Kev . . .”

  This was goodbye. I couldn’t stand by, being her friend, and watch the woman I love be with someone else. She couldn’t move past the shame she felt about her desires, even though she never denied it with me.

  We were at a crossroads and we’d chosen different paths. I wanted to pull her to me and wipe her tears away. My eyes flicked to Andrew and I remembered it was no longer my place to comfort her.

  Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I managed to croak out a response.

  “It’s okay, Ana.” Then I turned and walked away.

  Part III

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Ana

  Present Day

  I stood at the front of the line, shaking people’s hands, giving a polite ‘thank you’ when they offered their condolences. I felt hollow, almost as though I was standing off to the side, watching the shell of who I used to be, trying to function.

  “I’m so sorry for your loss, Anabelle. Natasha was a wonderful woman.”

  “Thank you. She was.”

  Was, was, was, was.

  I hated past tense. I hated ‘was’. What a shitty word.

  My mother is an amazing woman. Whether her soul resided in her body or not. She is amazing. My chest shook looking over at the casket, but I choked back the sob rattling its hollow cage, trying to break free, and turned to the next person.

  “I’m so sorry, Anabelle.”

  On and on it went. One person after the next. I didn’t even look up at the faces anymore, instead staring somewhere below their chins. They were a blur, and I didn’t care.

  Until one voice broke through. One I hadn’t heard in four years.

  “Anabelle.”

  Just my name.

  My eyes jerked up and found his eyes. God, I’d missed them—didn’t realize how much I needed them until I stared up at them. The same eyes that I’d looked for in my best and worst moments since I was sixteen. They were exactly the same, just a little older and wiser.

  Two strong hands wrapped around my cold shaky ones and held before shifting to link his pinkies with mine. He said nothing, but he didn’t need to—his eyes held all the comfort I’d been missing from every other person in the room. We stopped the line as I held tight to the lifeline he’d given me.

  Not caring about anyone else, I took my time to look him over. Kevin looked the same. His hair was a little shorter, but when I scanned all of him, it was all the same. Comfort, safety . . . home.

  And within the grasp of my haven, I crumbled. The sob I’d been holding back broke free, and my face fell from the pain that had been clinging to me. Not wanting to be sobbing as I shook everyone’s hand, I bolted. My dad could take the head of the line for a bit.

  I didn’t look back see if Kevin followed me, and walked as fast as I could on wobbly legs to the bathroom, locking myself inside. Plopping on the toilet seat, I wrapped my arms around myself and rocked, trying to pull all the pieces back together.

  I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to feel my mom, tried to find her presence around me, but could only remember her words in the last few moments with her.

  “You’re so strong Ana. You make me so proud, seeing how strong and independent you are. But baby . . . there is no harm in needing someone else. No harm in leaning on others. Promise me you won’t take on the world alone.”

  “The only person I need is you, Mom.”

  “And I’ll always be with you. I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  Finally standing, I moved to the sink and splashed water on my face trying to soothe the redness around my eyes. I looked in the mirror and tried to find her within me.

  I felt nothing.

  “Just a minute,” I called out when someone knocked on the door. That was enough hiding and I needed to get out of there.

  It wasn’t long before they announced it was time to head to the cemetery where they would bury her. Kevin hadn’t approached me again, but it didn’t mean I didn’t feel his eyes on me the whole time.

  I wished he would have sat in the front with me and linked his hands in mine as I watched her casket being lowered to the ground. I wished everyone would stop staring at me as though they were waiting for me to crack. I wished I was as alone as I felt.

  As soon as it ended, I had the hired car take me back to the house to let the guests in for the party. I’d wanted to end the whole thing after the burial, but my mom made sure to request a party in her honor.

  I’d laughed, picturing her smile as she wrote it in her will. She’d loved a good party. Shayla had been kind enough to help me plan it, even after I’d snapped after drinking a couple bottles of wine, and had told her that she would never replace my mother.

  She’d whispered a simple, “Never,” and continued making dinner for me. Because as much as I’d tried to hate Shayla for stepping into my father’s life after he left us, I couldn’t. She’d been nice, and my mom actually would’ve loved having her as a friend. So, despite my outburst, I’d been grateful for her every step of the way.

  Everyone mingled about in their black garb and talked over the soft music playing in the background. They munched on the appetizers and somehow, some even managed to laugh. I lurked in the corners and back rooms, only coming out when someone needed me. I was peopled-out. I was so exhausted from standing tall, when all I wanted to do was lay on the floor and cry until my mom came back.

  Through
it all though, my eyes kept finding Kevin in the crowd, until he ended up before me with his parents.

  “How you holding up, Ana?” Mr. Harding asked as Kevin’s mom wrapped me in her arms. It took all I had not to crumble into her motherly embrace. Swallowing hard, I pulled back.

  “I’m managing.” My eyes shot to Kevin’s and held there. He looked worried, but didn’t say anything. What was there to say?

  “Well if you need anything, you just let us know. We’re always right next door,” I pried my eyes from Kevin’s and gave the best impression of a smile at Mrs. Harding. Her eyes teared up and she grabbed my hand. “Your mom was always so proud of the beautiful young woman you are. She’d tell me all the time. I’m sure going to miss her.”

  “Thank you,” I answered. I didn’t know what to say. A tear fell down her cheek and Kevin’s dad pulled her into his arms. I couldn’t watch her break down, otherwise, I would join her and I wasn’t sure I’d stop when I started. “I should go check on the food. Make sure there’s plenty out.” I muttered my excuse and bolted, refusing to let my eyes look at Kevin again. Seeing his concern would’ve been too much right then.

  Kevin didn’t let me run far though, because eventually he caught up to me in my hiding spot, where I kept washing already-clean dishes. He stepped through the doorway just as I was sipping from a glass of wine I’d stashed under the sink.

  “I’m sorry about earlier,” he said on the other side of the island, as though he feared coming too close and causing another breakdown.

  “Don’t be.”

  “How are you?”

  “Pretty shitty,” I answered honestly, lifting my glass and draining it.

  “Ana, where can I put this casserole?” one of the many guests asked behind me.