“Is… is it wrong that I wish it could be different?” He enquires gently. “Is it wrong that a part of me still wants to have that future with you?”
“Just make sure you don’t…” I trail off, incapable of finishing my sentence.
“I won’t.” He replies sincerely, understanding my request.
“Promise me, Cole.”
“I promise.”
I never wanted it to be this way but I know there’s no alternative. Cole will have to control himself and his release by making sure it’s not inside of me. The consequences of such a mistake have the potential to be catastrophic and I’m certainly not willing to take that risk.
Removing his boxer shorts, Cole positions himself on top of me and wraps my legs around his waist. His hands stroke my thighs as his mouth explores my own once more. His coaxing kisses relax my body and I can feel myself opening up to him as he starts to enter me for the very first time.
It’s somewhat painful but nowhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be. Cole made sure I was ready and extremely aroused before he even attempted to take my virginity and for that I am grateful.
“Are you ok?” He asks me for the sixth or seventh time.
“Uh-huh.” I moan, fighting against the turbulence of anxiety which is battling it out inside my head.
“Are you sure?” He says, sounding doubtful. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“It’s fine. I just want to feel you inside of me. All of you.”
“Fuck… I need to hear you say that again.” He groans, tightening the firm grasp he has on my thighs.
“I want to feel you…” I whisper. “I need you inside me, Cole.”
“You want this, don’t you? Tell me that you want this.”
“I don’t want it, I need it. I also need you.” I cry, frantic as I cling onto him and his powerful physique.
My breasts are crushed against his naked chest, drawing us even closer. His sweat mingles with mine and so do our breaths as we inhale one another’s euphoric desperation.
In one swift motion, Cole is completely inside me. The burning sensation lasts for a few moments but soon disappears. He starts a slow and steady rhythm as I continue to hold onto him, delighting in the weight of him on top of me as well as the fulfilment of being connected to him like this. I feel so full and almost stretched by Cole’s arousal that I can hardly think straight. I yearn for the blissful experience we shared a few moments before without the pain of this newfound intrusion and can only hope that the discomfort won’t last for much longer.
“What’s wrong? Is it hurting?”
“No, it’s just… it’s.”
I can’t even explain to him how this feels. How can I tell him that as much as I want this… a part of me still knows that it’s wrong? How am I supposed to tell him that I already hate myself for going through with this when the other half of me has never felt so complete?
“Shh. It’s ok. Look at me, Serena. It’s ok.” He whispers softly, soothing me with his words and tone of voice.
His thumb makes its way between my legs and starts to draw circles around my clit, increasing his pace as my moans turn breathless. It’s as though the unease brought on from such an unknown invasion has been erased and all that I can feel is euphoria.
He continues to touch me so intimately, knowing how much it thrills me and this only heightens the intensity between us. I reach up and circle my arms around his neck, pulling him towards me so we can kiss. I can taste my own sweetness off his lips and I whimper beneath him, hungry for more as his tongue tangles with my own.
I know things will never be the same after this night. We can never go back and I’m not sure I even want to. I’ve never felt completion like this and I’m certain I no longer have the strength to go a lifetime without this… without him.
“You feel incredible.” He murmurs, nuzzling against my neck as his mouth covers it with kisses. “You’re perfect.”
“I love you.” I pant breathlessly. “I love you so much.”
“God, I will never grow tired of hearing you say that.” He says, gazing down at me in adoration.
I gasp when he suddenly hooks his arms underneath my legs and hoists them higher up into the air. The elevation takes my breath away and I can scarcely control my orgasm as it takes hold. It’s beyond anything I have ever experienced and the only way I can describe it is like an explosion, an internal explosion which erupts, ignites and shatters the centre of my being from the inside out.
My fingernails sink into his shoulders, clawing his skin without thought or intent as I slowly start to descend the gigantic wave of pleasure I just experienced. My intense and unmistakable climax is impossible to ignore and encourages Cole to reach his own within seconds.
I can tell that something truly magnificent is about to happen when each of Cole’s thrusts turn somewhat urgent and aggressive. It’s as though he’s now driven by something else entirely and he can no longer take into consideration the sensitivity I might still need. However, this animalistic need and compulsion he has for me is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced and I know he must be nearing his own culmination of pleasure.
“Please, Serena.” He begs me. “Please let me.”
“Let you?” I ask uncertainly.
“Please.” He implores me, stroking my cheek with the pad of his thumb.
The realisation of what he is asking hits me like a ton of bricks as I try to pull away from him.
“No! No you can’t, Cole. You promised me!” I exclaim loudly, pressing the palms of my hands against his solid chest.
“I know but I don’t think I can keep that promise. You feel incredible and all I want to do right now is to come inside of you.”
“I’m not on the pill, Cole. You can’t.” I insist firmly, furious with him for going back on what he said.
“Just once, I swear it. Please let me do this just one time. I want a part of me to be inside you, is that so terrible?” He pleads with me some more, turning my face to look at him when I try and look away.
“I-I suppose I’m not even fertile right now.” I say softly, aware that my period is due to start in just a couple days.
“Say yes.” He beseeches me once more, persistent and relentless.
“Yes.” I whisper, scarcely able to believe I gave him my consent.
A deep growl escapes his lips, as he pins me to the bed using the weight of his body. I’m trapped and completely dominated by his strong form and athletic build. I’m helpless but I’m not afraid, in fact… I’ve never felt freedom quite like this.
I’m home. I’ve found my place in the universe and it is right here besides Cole. Our bodies are connected and our limbs intertwine but what really unites us is the coupling of our souls. I didn’t know it was possible for the centre of your being to merge with someone else’s but that’s exactly how it feels.
He holds me so tight, exerting a kind of strength I’m unfamiliar with. He seals me to him like he’s afraid I will disappear at any moment as our tongues tangle and I lock my legs around his waist, squeezing him tightly.
He grabs my hair, forcing my head back so my neck is exposed to him. He continues to exert his physical power over me as he thrusts every inch of himself inside of me, taking from my body and demanding I give him what he needs.
His warmth fills me, absolving all of my anxiety and thoughts of condemnation and danger. A transcendent glow consumes me, warming the deepest, innermost part of my body. His fingers interlace with mine, solidifying our sacred bond as well as the sexual one which unites us.
“Fuck... that was… I don’t even know how to describe how that was.” Cole mutters to himself, somewhat inaudibly.
“Um… Cole, you’re starting to crush me.” I say, inhaling sharply as the full weight of his muscular physique takes its toll.
“I’m sorry.” He apologises, gently lifting himself off of my small frame.
“It’s ok.”
“No, I mean I’m sorry I
broke my promise.” He reminds me, pulling me in towards him for a warm embrace.
“I’m not.” I confess, staring up at the hotel room’s ceiling.
“But you said we couldn’t risk it.”
“And we didn’t. My period is due in a couple of days so the chances of me falling pregnant right now are extremely low, more like impossible.” I explain, turning on my side to face him.
“Ok, that’s good.”
“Cole, that doesn’t mean we can be careless like that again.” I reprimand him gently. “Not ever.”
“I know we can’t.” He replies, exhaling slowly. “I won’t be selfish like that again.”
A few moments pass between us but we remain silent, choosing to stay with our own personal thoughts and reflections.
“I’m going to the bathroom. I won’t be a minute.” I say, reaching for Cole’s discarded T-shirt so I can put it on.
“Are you sure you’re ok? I didn’t hurt you or anything?” He asks, appearing concerned as he sits up in bed.
“I’m a little sore but I’ll survive.” I joke, smiling at him weakly.
“Let me run you a hot bath or something and I might even join you.”
“It’s ok, I’ll do it. Just give me a few minutes.”
I hurry into the bathroom and close the door behind me, taking a seat on the edge of the bath as soon as it starts to fill with water. I stare at my reflection in the mirror, struggling to recognise the girl who is staring back at me. Her expression is so pained and haunted, it’s almost frightening.
I don’t know whether it’s because I no longer identify with my own reflection or the knowledge of what we’ve just done but it only takes a matter of seconds before I give into my turbulent emotions and break down. Hugging my knees to my chest, I crumple to the floor and sob in silence. The last thing I want is for Cole to find me like this and that’s why I’m concerned he’ll be able to hear me through these paper thin walls.
A gentle knock on the bathroom door interrupts the silence and I wipe my eyes quickly, hoping there won’t be any traces of my tears left.
“Serena, are you ok? You’ve been in there a long time.” Cole says, continuing to knock lightly.
“I’m fine.” I reply falsely, reaching for a tissue so I can dab at my tear-stained face.
“I can tell by your voice that you’re lying to me. Come on, baby. Let me in.” He persists, refusing to take no for an answer.
“Fine.”
I reluctantly unlock the door and open it, coming face to face with Cole.
“You’ve been crying.” He states calmly, observing my anguished demeanour and teary eyes.
“I just needed a moment.”
“Why? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing… I’m fine.”
I know I’m concealing the truth from him as well as being evasive but I just can’t cope with any sort of confrontation right now.
“Don’t lie to me.”
“I… I just felt slightly overwhelmed by everything, that’s all.”
“Because we just had sex?”
“No, I mean… maybe. I don’t know!”
“Green, talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“How can you ask me what’s wrong when everything in our lives is such a mess right now? How can you even ask me that?”
“Look, I know there are still some things that I need to sort out but I promise you I will. I’ll take care of you, Serena. I promise.”
“Cole, what we just did was so wrong. It’s actually illegal and I really don’t know how I’m supposed to come to terms with that.” I admit sadly, lowering my gaze to the floor beneath my feet.
“To me it wasn’t wrong and it never will be. I don’t consider it to be illegal and neither should you.” He whispers softly, reaching out a hand to comfort me.
“But it is. How can we pretend that it isn’t?”
“We just did.” He answers simply, leaning back against the door frame. “We did just pretend and I’m prepared to do that for the rest of my life if I have to.”
“What if I’m not? What if I’m too afraid?”
“Then I’ll protect you. I’ll take care of you forever.”
He reaches out for me once more, this time pulling me into his arms. My trembling body clings to him as he absorbs all of my fear, doubt, worry and terror. His warmth and his strength provide me with peace but my own niggling concerns refuse to go away and for some complex and unexplainable reason, I just know that I spent my one and only night with Cole.
It’s as though the subconscious part of myself understands and has already come to terms with the fact that Cole and I cannot be together. This chapter of ours is almost over and I now realise that is the true reason behind my fear.
Chapter Five
The next morning I make sure I wake up before Cole, climbing out of bed before I tip-toe across the room towards the door. I close my eyes and pray to God that Cole won’t hear me and wake up before I manage to sneak outside.
If he had any idea about what you are planning… he would kill you, my subconscious taunts me.
I take a deep breath and step forward into the hallway, closing the door behind me. I’m still wearing Cole’s T-shirt from the night before and I managed to grab a pair of jeans before I snuck out but I still feel exposed and more than a little vulnerable.
It’s not even seven o’clock yet but the hotel is alive and busy. The hustle and bustle of the hotel guests and its staff is enough to distract me for a few moments and I watch them absent-mindedly, willing myself to keep on going and not back down.
I find a phone for guests down one of the empty corridors and I pick it up with one of my trembling hands. The phone number I need to dial is simple enough to remember but that doesn’t stop my hesitation or my fear.
999
That’s it. Those are the three digits I have to call to bring this nightmare to an end. It’s just one phone call but I’m also aware that it’s a phone call which will change my life as well as Cole’s…forever.
My breathing is erratic and my heartrate increases. My palms are sweaty and my head is spinning as I stand there feeling helpless. Thank goodness no one else is around to witness this embarrassing display or I’d be struggling even more than I am right now.
Just do it. Do it right now before you change your mind.
I shake my head and try to block out all of my conflicting thoughts as I try to stay calm and think rationally. However, it’s easier said than done and I soon realise that I need to act before I change my mind or Cole wakes up and comes to find me.
Moistening my lips, I reach for the phone once again, picking it up and placing it against my ear. My hand is still shaking as I press the three digits, trying to rehearse what I’m going to say to them inside my head.
“Emergency – which service do you require?” The operator asks me, sounding cold and detached as she speaks into the phone.
“P-police please.” I stammer, clutching the receiver to my ear.
I’m put through to someone else right away and I’m greeted by a woman who sounds much more approachable and sincere.
“Hello, how can I help you?”
“My… my name is Serena and I can tell you the location of someone you’re looking for. His name is Cole and we’re on the run, we have been since Friday.”
The police only take ten minutes to show up. I can’t see them but I’m able to hear the noise of their sirens from the toilets I’m hiding inside. I couldn’t face waiting outside in the hallway for them to show up so I told the police operator that I would wait until they’ve made the arrest before coming out to speak with them.
I’d like to say I’ve been crying ever since the moment she took my details from me but I haven’t. I just feel… numb and a part of me hopes I’ll stay that way.
The sound of Cole’s agitated voice forces me to cover my ears as I hear them drag him along the corridor where I was just standing. He’s calling for me and screaming my name,
threatening the officers who must have hold of him. He’s demanding to see me, furiously crying out for me while I just sit here… feeling helpless and pathetic.
He still doesn’t know. He’s yet to find out that I’m the one who made the call or that I’m the one who took the coward’s way and betrayed him. He won’t understand why any of this has happened or where the hell I am. He might think they took me against my will and he’ll allow his paranoia to consume him until they tell him that I was the one who told them where we were.
And then his heart will break.
It will break because of me and I don’t know how I’m going to live with the guilt or the knowledge of this for the rest of my life.
“Serena, are you in there?”
A cautious voice makes contact from the other side of the door before it opens, revealing a smartly dressed young woman in her twenties.
“I’m Serena.” I murmur, unlocking the toilet door I was hiding behind.
“Hello.” She says warmly, smiling at me with kindness. “I’m Natalie.”
“Are you the lady I spoke to on the phone?”
“I’m not but I’m still here to help you. I have all of the information you gave to one of our operators and I’m here to take you home.”
“Home?” I ask, no longer sure if I even have a home.
“Back to your mum.” She replies, watching me closely.
“Oh, I see…”
The thought of going back there fills me with dread. The thought of being anywhere without Cole is terrifying and I don’t know how I’m going to do it.
“How about we get out of here and go down to the station? We need you to make a formal statement and Cole has been removed from the premises so you have no need to worry about seeing him on our way out.”
“He’s in a lot of trouble, isn’t he?”
That Summer (Part Two) Page 7