Noel To be fair, she didn't intend any harm.
April Essentially Noel's ex-wife was what we call an enabler. So . . . he had to get rid of her. (Switch)
Noel Will you go and get the grub woman, I'll look after the entertainment.
(Switch) I'm afraid so. She was part of my drinking life. It was very sad but it had to happen. (Switch)
'Is this love, is this love that I'm feeling.' And what May doesn't know is - you see I only met her the year after in Majorca - what she doesn't know is - I did the business with a young Jamaican one on the night of the concert. Oh Jasus! But ah I couldn't talk to her about that sort of stuff you know — she's a bit old fashioned that way. Not like you English girls, you're more out there yeah.
June Oh we are, and as for those Jamaican girls
Noel Don't be talking to me. (Whispers.) We did it four times. I was grand and fit from working on the sites. Happy days in old London town ha! (Sings along.)
Julian So are you sure there's not a young black Noel somewhere in Brixton, Guinness in one hand, Malibu in the other?
Noel Sure, what if there is - good luck to him.
June Julian, we've only just met Noel. (Switch.)
And suddenly here we all are after - how many years?
April Well I wasn't around the last -
April is already getting on June's nerves.
June Yes, yes, I suppose I meant Noel and Julian and I really.
Julian You're looking very well Noel. Prosperity has done you no harm at all.
June No harm at all. It was very good of you to give up your one free night to call round.
Noel I felt I owed it to you.
Julian andJune exchange excited glances.
Julian Really? No.
April Isn't the apartment lovely Noel?
June Well thanks. I mean it's pretty much as we found it.
Noel Rent sky high of course?
Julian Absolutely. I mean it's June How did you know we rented?
Noel Oh . . . it's just. . . isn't that the way it is in an area like this. From what I know of the London property market.
June Well that's exactly right. But you might as well live in a decent location.
Julian If I remember correctly you were living in a beautiful part of Dublin.
Noel Yes, it was very pleasant (Switch)
Why? - what you were expecting? Pigs in the parlour right. The thatched roof falling in.
Julian Steady on.
June We were just complimenting your -
Noel No, no, hold on now. I know this. I know this polite English act. Like the rest of us are fuckin eejits and as long as you have this kind of face on you - this supposed to be polite face - we won't know what you're really thinking. Now that might fool poor old May or someone - May! May! That might you know - but I spent too long on the sites in London dealing with your crowd.
May Yes love?
Noel Come here a minute. Look at this pair. Look at their faces.
May Ah Noel now be nice. He's desperate sometimes but he doesn't mean it.
Noel (switches off music) No, no, listen, now look at their faces would you, and tell us what you see.
May Noel!
Noel What do you fuckin' see?
May I see two lovely nice people — who are getting very embarrassed at your antics.
Julian We're rather enjoying the show actually.
June It's all right really.
Julian You're quite a character Noel.
May Now how's that for a compliment. They think you're a character. (To Julian and june) Ignore him. He's only showing off.
May sits Noel down forcibly (Switch.) as May goes back to the kitchen.
April It was his quiet easy manner that attracted me wasn't it Noel?
Noel I suppose you needed a calm presence in your life at that stage.
April Still do. And confidence. Noel gave me confidence.
Noel But you've really developed my cultural side honey. It was April introduced me to Flatley.
Julian Oh yes, tomorrow night's the premiere is that right?
April Well not just a premiere. It's a cultural phenomenon.
June Do you think?
April He's so talented. And inspirational.
Julian I suppose . . .
June He must have something special if you've taken so much trouble to come and see him Noel.
Noel Well actually, I'm an investor in the show.
June Oh.
Noel Flatley might be getting on a bit now, but he still knows all about the colour of money.
Julian More real than the colour of his hair, I hope.
Icy pause.
Noel People who sneer at him like that usually wouldn't mind having his bank account.
June Sorry, Julian didn't mean any
Julian Any slur. Truly. I'm sorry if you thought I was making fun of Irish people and red hair or anything like that.
Noel What are you talking about?
Julian Me? I don't know. Nonsense I suppose - you know.
June Look - we might as well be clear about this. We were . . . concerned you might be sensitive to - you know silly gibes about Irish people when that wasn't
Noel You were having a go at Fladey?
June Not 'having a go' as such, it was just a silly remark which Noel But sure Flatley isn't Irish, he's American.
Surprised pause.
Julian Yes, yes, exactly, that's right. That's, that's exactly —
Noel Of course he does the old Irish American act, but sure if that puts more dollars in the till, who's complaining?
Julian I couldn't agree more. I have to . . . I have to . . . (Switch)
I have to hand it to you Irish. That whole quaint charm act is such a great little scam. The Yanks fall for it all the time, don't they.
June And now Europe as well.
Julian Absolutely. Ireland is sort of the song and dance act on the Euro gravy train. Sing for your supper eh? Economic boom eh? (He winks.) Nice one.
June While we poor stupid English keep paying the bills.
Noel Why don't you just stand up on the table there.
June Sorry?
Noel No, go on. Stand up there on the table . . . so you can look down on me properly?
Julian No you don't understand, we weren't Noel Oh, I didn't understand - ah yeah, I'd be too thick for that.
June No, we think you're smart —
Julian Yeah, smart as fuck -
Noel We put up with 800 years of this kind of thing, I don't have to put up with it now in my own house, with my poor missus slaving away in the kitchen
May (entering) Dinner is served.
Noel - to feed you as well. Bring that back in.
May What?
Noel Bring it back into the kitchen, Jesus are you deaf? There'll be no food eaten in this house until they apologise.
Julian Oh come on.
May Ah Noel, what is it now?
Noel I'll tell you what it is. The same old sneer. Oh yes, I remember it well myself, anything worthwhile the Irish get must be 'cause of some dirty deal or swindle but (Switch)
you know we're all players on the world stage now, and once as a businessman you realise this, that technology has made geography irrelevant, Dublin - London - what does it matter then. (Switch)
It drives me up the wall. It just makes me mad, that you can't accept in your heads that we are a free country, as good as you are
Julian You're way over the top my friend.
Noel You see, you see - oh so patronising and superior
(Switch) but you know something, our superiority won't last unless the Irish business community guards its advantage very closely. Britain could actually catch up very quickly if you went about it the right way. I mean we're very fortunate because thankfully being Irish really means something in the world. (Switch)
It mightn't be much but I'm proud to be Irish and I'm fucked if I'm going to let people like you put me down. (Switch)
The rising tide lifts all boats and right now the Irish are surfing the wave. It's very exhilarating.
April Isn't it lovely to sit in a sober atmosphere, nibble tapenade and have intelligent conversation? (Switch)
Noel Fuckin' fucked up fucks and your fuckin' fuckology
May Noel, Noel love, the dinner will go cold very fast. I think maybe we all had a bit too much to drink without having had a bit of food inside us. Come on now, let's sit down and enjoy the meal. Go on . . . sit!
Noel sits down.
May And I know there's things that you and Julian will want to talk about later, while June is giving me a hand with the dishes . . . Noel.
June is about to say something sardonic, but in the circumstances thinks better of it. They wait for Noel to decide. He recollects his situation. Forced laugh.
Noel Had you going didn't I? Come on now I had. That was me having a laugh. Nothing personal, a bit of gas that'sn all. Grub's up folks. Are you hungry?
Julian Not hugely.
May It's a lovely recipe.
June Yes May, I think some food would do us all good.
May Darina Allen. She's on telly over here — she's fantastic. (Switch)
Julian (going to kitchen) Not quite Jamie Oliver standard I'm afraid, but it'll be okay.
May I swear by Darina. (Exits to kitchen)
June He's learned everything he knows from TV chefs.
Noel The power of television, ha?
April It's amazing.
Julian and May working in their respective kitchens.
Noel April works in television by the way.
June Oh really — is that your job?
April It is now. It's, like, totally changed my life. Before I was sober I used to work in PR. Well you know June I can imagine, so tedious.
April No, it was very exciting. I met so many interesting people, but. . . well the drink culture. And of course all free drink as well.
Noel The worst kind.
June (tiny irony) Of course. Awful.
April It was my downfall. I knew I had to get out. So . . .
May Sorry, the rice, a small problem.
April I became a journalist with TV3.
May A bit stuck together.
June TV3?
May Lumpy.
Noel It's been going about five years now.
May But I'll try and do something with it.
April (proud) It's just become Ireland's most watched TV network with an audience share of over 34.8 %
May in her kitchen is grappling with lumpen overcooked rice.
Julian is putting the meatballs into a serving dish.
June That must be exciting.
April Working with TV3 helped me stop drinking.
June And you're a journalist?
April Yes. I'm the charity correspondent.
June The ah - really?
Noel It's a very popular segment.
April I'm on every night as part of our investigative current affairs slot. A sort of charity round-up. Celebrity Breakfasts for Cerebral Palsy. Coffee Mornings for Cancer. Fashion Shows for Systic Fibrosis. I report on them all. There's always some fantastic charity event happening. Full of celebrities.
Noel It was her own concept.
April It's amazing how much people in Ireland give to charity. So uplifting. Ordinary people too, not just the celebs. I always try to feature ordinary people in the slot, 'cause you know you get tired of celebs all the time.
Noel That's just us honey, because we have access to them all the time
April You're right, I shouldn't be blase.
Noel For most of the viewers it's still a big thrill to see famous people give their money away.
April It's such an exciting time in Ireland now. The success of TV3 is really a kind of symbol of our growing-up as a nation.
Noel I'm certainly glad I invested in it.
April But what about you? Noel told me you were very kind to him once, years ago.
June Hmm - oh thank you Noel. Well I used to be an accountant I'm afraid.
Noel Nothing wrong with that.
June Oh sure, it was a living. Julian used to be ah . . . well, like yourself, a journalist. Nowhere near as glamorous of course; he was a foreign correspondent. He might have met the occasional celebrity terrorist but that was it really.
April Sounds very interesting though.
June Well actually it had its moments. He was right there when the wall fell in '89. That was a bit special.
April Oh. Was he hurt?
June Sorry?
April You said a wall fell. . . ?
June Ah . . . No, no, he wasn't hurt . . . but he did give up journalism soon after that.
April Delayed shock probably
June Perhaps. Anyway he and I put our heads together and started a sort of specialist consultancy company.
Noel They've helped a lot of people, honey.
June Yes, especially politicians. They love the whole idea of consultancy. It sounds so important and yet is so wonderfully vague.
Noel It's mainly introductions. The global handshake. Bringing people together for mutual benefit.
June Yes, mutual benefit. That's the big thing. When we met Noel for example Noel (a slight note of warning to June) That was then of course.
June Of course - five years ago business was booming. But it's rather taken a turn for the worse at our end. As things have turned out, Julian and I are pretty well -
Julian returns with dinner.
Julian Meatballs in a spicy sauce. Arrabiata to some but we'll call a spade a spade.
May returns.
May Nearly there with the fragrant rice.
Julian And rice.
May Oh flip, I think the chicken might need a bit of a heat now?
May picks up the chicken dish and
Julian puts the meatballs down in exactly the same place.
Noel Isn't it lucky I bought her the old microwave, hah. You big thick.
Julian Now tuck in. Enough, ah, iced water folks?
Noel (pouring more wine) Come on, you're too slow.
June I think you're trying to get me pissed.
Noel Meerlust '96 reserve. I'm told it'll be even better in six months time, but sure we can't wait that long.
Julian We might have to if May doesn't win her battle with the rice. (Calls) What do you say May?
Silence. Julian knows he's made a terrible blunder.
June He was joking Noel.
Noel Hm? Ah yeah, I know, sure.
June He wasn't being -
Noel Great jokers, the English.
Julian Well, we like to think that we —
Noel At other people's expense of course.
June Oh Christ -
Noel Is that what Cromwell said in Drogheda? Oh sorry, only joking lads.
Julian Cromwell? What's Cromwell got to do with it?
Noel That same face on him, all innocent, 'Only joking Pat.'
Julian This is Cromwell?
Noel Not Cromwell. We called him that. Can't remember his fucking name. Watching me like I'd be serving off, if he as much as blinked.
Julian I don't know what you're talking about.
Noel You know well — remarks, English remarks. Even when the job is oxo, the little put down, 'Well glad to see the Guinness isn't affecting your work, Pat.' That's what he said to me one day - he actually said that the fucker. Standing there for an hour looking down on me working. Like I was supposed to be afraid of him. 'Glad to see the Guinness isn't affecting your work Pat.' Oh yeah, gas man. I laughed 'til I puked. (Switch)
April Mmm, delicious.
Noel I'm always telling English people they shouldn't despair. The crisis in your culture is temporary. Trust yourselves. There's more to English society than hooligans and the tabloid press. Mmm, very tasty Julian. There are still a lot of fine solid English qualities, if only you had more faith in them.
Julian Thank you Noel. That's . . . v
ery kind of you to say so. (Switch)
We don't have to put up with this crap. You're a fucking loony do you know that.
Noel Who me? Oh only joking, Jack.
June Excuse me.
She brushes past Noel to the kitchen where May is cowering.
June I'm really sorry, May, lovely to meet you and all that, but honestly we thought we were coming here to meet a potential business associate, not be some sort of postcolonial Aunt Sally.
May Is it me? Did I mess up with the food?
June No, no, you're a lovely woman really.
Returns to Julian.
May I'll check the chicken. Less than a minute, I'd say.
June Right Julian?
Julian Well, June, has the boy done good?
June Pukkah. We're well impressed.
Noel I'm going for seconds. What about you, pet?
April It was so tasty but I don't have a big appetite. I'd love to take a little look around the apartment.
June Feel free.
Noel Been in it long?
Julian Just two years. We love it.
June If only we could keep it. Not very likely.
April gets up to look around.
Julian (warning) June.
Noel What's that?
Julian Show April round darling.
June She's fine.
April Yes, I'm fine, I'll just have a wander. (Switch)
April goes into the kitchen.
Noel You're going nowhere.
June You are unbelievable. Do you always treat your guests this way? Barracking, accusations, insults —
May Oh no. We've never had English people over before.
June I'd keep it that way if I were you. (Switch)
We're even more delighted you came tonight because frankly we haven't been entertaining very much of late. You see, we are no longer people to be seen with.
Julian June!
June Pariahs wouldn't be too strong a word, to be perfectly honest.
Noel Oh dear - what's happened?
June Where to start?
Julian Shouldn't we wait - ?
June No.
Julian At least until we are -
June No Julian.
Julian Okay. Okay. (Switch)
If that's all we'll be off thank you bye.
Noel May, will you ever get that food on the table.
May Coming. Twenty seconds. Less.
Noel There you go. Twenty seconds. Now come on we sit down.
Julian No.
June We've rather lost our appetite. Can you blame (Switch) and us?
That Was Then Page 5