Living with Saci

by M J Dees

  “Yes, I managed to call in a favour,” he said, taking off his coat and bag and putting them in the place where Teresa, during a previous argument, had requested he leave them. His obedience was noted. The cats entered the kitchen to investigate the arrival.

  “I’m baking a cake,” Teresa explained. “Would you like some coffee?”

  “Yes please, ” he said seating himself in a chair where he could observe her work.

  She poured some cold coffee from the percolator jug into a cup and put it in the microwave where the ballerina printed on the side whirred around in its tiny spotlight.

  “How was your day?” Teresa asked in her polite making conversation voice.

  Felipe shrugged.

  “Same old shit,” he said in a tired voice.

  It annoyed Teresa that Felipe never talked about the details of his day. He’d tried to pass his secrecy off as doctor-patient confidentiality, but it wasn’t that. He didn’t want to talk about it. She always flourished him with all the details of her day when he asked her how it had gone - a question that she’d insisted he asks as soon as he walked through the door. When she asked him how his day had been his answers were always brief and vague. He insisted he wasn’t trying to cover anything up, that he was tired and didn’t want to talk about work, but this just left Teresa feeling very frustrated that he wouldn’t open up to her the way she opened up to him.

  “Of course I trust you,” she said. “Why wouldn’t I?”

  “I don’t know,” he admitted. “It just feels like you think I’m an idiot.”

  “Why would I think you’re an idiot? You’re a doctor.”

  “Then why don’t you listen to me? Why do you have to question everything I do? You don’t trust me to do anything. Nothing is ever right.”

  “Of course I do.”

  “Then why do you need to criticise everything? What about the wine?”

  Teresa looked at him.

  “I’m sorry,” she said.

  “No, I’m sorry,” he corrected. “My behaviour was unacceptable.”

  “Yes. It was.”

  He stood up. Walked over to Teresa and they embraced. Teresa began to weep.

  “What is it?” he asked.

  She knew she should just walk away. Get as far away from Felipe as she could. But her capacity for an optimistic belief in change, despite the pessimism which ruled the rest of her life, told her that he was a good man. A man she could help. She believed him when he asked for forgiveness and that he was willing to solve these problems. She also thought that here was a man who would make it possible for her to see her daughter again.

  She forgave him, and they carried on with their lives as best they could, like a broken cup that had been glued back together. From a distance, it looked just like the same cup but look closely, and the cracks are visible, given away by the dried glue which traces their path.

  Felipe just sat and looked grumpy. Perhaps it was embarrassment. A man of his profession was not supposed to behave the way he had.

  “I have a problem,” he began, this much Teresa already knew. “I have an issue with people who question me. It’s like you are questioning me as a person. Like you don’t trust me.”

  “I must be crazy,” said Teresa.

  Felipe said nothing.

  Chapter Thirty-Five - Same old story – 10th January 2016

  Felipe had the weekend off for a change, so, in response to Teresa’s complaints that he did not spend enough quality time with her, on Sunday they had gone for a walk. They had looked around the garden centre, and Felipe had bought her a small lavender plant which she had placed on the windowsill above the kitchen sink.

  Felipe made them both a cup of tea, she had almost converted him to tea though he preferred green tea, and the pair of them had slipped off their shoes and slumped on top of the bed, each staring at their mobile phones.

  “Who’s Joaquim?” Felipe asked without looking up from his phone.

  “Who?” Teresa asked.

  “Joaquim. He’s liked your photo on Facebook.”

  “Oh, he works at the school.”

  “Oh yes?”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Teresa demanded.

  “Nothing, just saying. I don’t know what you get up to while I’m at work.”

  “Oh God,” Teresa sighed. “There’s loads of women you work with I don’t know anything about.”

  “Yes, but they don’t like my photo on Facebook do they?”

  “So what? God knows what you could be getting up to on these long night shifts that you do.”

  “Are you accusing me of having an affair?” Felipe asked.

  “No, of course not. But you could get up to all sorts, and I wouldn’t know anything about it.” Teresa reasoned.

  “I can’t believe you don’t trust me.”

  “What? Who said anything about not trusting you?”

  “You did,” he said.

  “No, I didn’t. You’re twisting my words.”

  “Oh now it’s my fault is it?”

  “What do you mean? Who said anything about fault?” she asked.

  “You did. You said I was having an affair.”

  “No, I didn’t.”

  Silence.

  “Are you grumpy now?” Teresa asked.

  “Of course, you don’t trust me,” he said.

  “Where did this come from?” Teresa was bemused.

  “You tell me,” he said. “You started it.”

  “How?”

  “By accusing me of having an affair.”

  “I did not,” Teresa protested. “You started it by asking me who Joaquim was.”

  Silence

  “Because he liked your bloody post on Facebook. There’s no need to overreact.”

  Teresa sighed.

  “I’m sorry,” she said and leant over to kiss him.

  “You get too stressed out,” he said. “You should learn to relax a bit. How about doing some meditation or some yoga? It’ll help you get in shape too.”

  “What are you saying? That I’m fat?”

  “No, it’s not that. It’s just that, with the wedding coming up and everything,” Felipe tried to avoid Teresa’s gaze. “You don’t exercise, do you? And you’re not getting any younger either. You need to think about your health.”

  Teresa was not impressed with this assessment of her physical condition. Felipe realised he had done nothing to improve her mood and had, if anything, made the situation much worse.

  “I’m just saying that it might do you a bit of good getting a bit of exercise. It might help you stop getting so stressed.”

  Teresa contemplated this advice in silence.

  “Are you grumpy now?” he asked her.

  “At you sure, you want to marry me?” she asked.

  “Of course,” he said after a brief pause. “Why?”

  “What do you see in me?” she asked.

  There was a long pause while Felipe considered his response.

  “You’re beautiful. you’re funny; you’re intelligent.”

  “But why do you want to marry me?”

  “Why not?”

  “That’s not a good enough reason.”

  “Then why do you want to marry me?” Felipe asked.

  “Because I love you,” Teresa answered. “I know I shouldn’t, and I don’t know why I do, but I do.”

  Felipe looked at her in silence.

  “But my love is like a flower,” she continued. “Every time you hurt me my love loses a petal until one day there’ll be no petals left.”

  “Oh great. Now I’m getting told off.” Felipe complained.

  “I’m not telling you off.”

  “Oh no? Well, what do you call this then?”

  Teresa sighed.

  “I’m just telling you how I feel,” she explained. “Can’t we just have a conversation where we share our feelings?”

  “You mean where you have a go at me.”

  “God! I’m not ha
ving a go at you.”

  “Sounded like it to me. You’re always complaining about me. About everything I do. Nothing I do is ever good enough is it?”

  “I’m just trying to talk.” Teresa persisted.

  “Well can’t you say something nice?”

  “I just told you I loved you,” said Teresa.

  Felipe paused in thought for a moment.

  “Yes, and then went on to remind me what a bastard I am,” he said.

  Teresa knew there was no winning this argument.

  “Maybe we shouldn’t get married then,” Felipe suggested.

  “Is that what you want?”

  “No, but if it’s going to be this much effort.”

  “Well if you think it’s too much effort.”

  “This is what I’m talking about,” Felipe shouted

  “What?” asks a shocked Teresa.

  “This constant prodding,” shouted Felipe getting out of bed.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You can’t leave it can you,” Felipe looked agitated as if tormented by a persistent yet invisible swarm of bees. “You have to keep on, pushing, pushing until you drive me to this.”

  He picked up a pillow and threw it across the room.

  “Felipe. Stop it. You’re scaring me.”

  “I can’t take it,” he shouted. “I can’t take this anymore.”

  He picked up another pillow and threw it across the room after the last one but the second took a different trajectory and cleared all Teresa’s perfume and jewellery off the dresser and sent it all crashing to the floor in a cacophony of broken bottles.

  Felipe slipped on his shoes, limped out, across the kitchen and into the living room, slamming the door behind him so hard that it rattled the bedroom window next to Teresa who sat frozen in fear and astonishment.

  When Felipe slammed the door behind him, he noticed that one of the stupid cats had sneaked into the room with him. Felipe grabbed the cat and threw it at the wall. The small black furry body slammed against the plaster-covered brick with a crunch and then fell, limp, to the floor.

  He glanced at the closed door and then rushed over to the pile of fur laying on the floor. It was lifeless.

  He scanned the room and found a plastic bag. Mumbling to himself, he lifted the limp feline and dropped it into the empty bag and then wrapped the bag around the cat to try and disguise its contents.

  Felipe listened at the door.

  He turned the handle and slipped into the kitchen. Hiding the bag behind his body, he tried to open the door as quietly as possible. He had it open and was already walking through it when he heard Teresa call his name. He ignored her, closed the door behind himself and locked it, running into the street.

  Chapter Thirty-Six - Another morning after – 11th January 2016

  It was a long sleepless night for Teresa, and when she got up the next morning, Felipe was still not home. Tears welled up in her eyes once more and cascaded down her cheeks. She forced herself to get up and have a shower. Ramsey sat on the sink, observing her, wondering what to make of this confusing human. Teresa thought they were wondering what they should play with next or whether she was going to feed them. She looked everywhere for Oliver but could not find him. Now she was even more angry with Felipe whom she assumed must have let Oliver escape from the house when he left last night. Taking care not to lose Ramsey too, she opened the door and called Oliver, but he did not come.

  Teresa tried phoning Felipe, but there was no answer. He never answered his phone during the day; he was probably already working.

  She got ready to go out for her dental appointment, fed the remaining cat and left the house.

  The bus was full, so when she arrived at the Metro, she was glad she chose to travel in the opposite direction first so she could get a seat. Passengers crammed onto the train. Commuters were stranded on the platform, unable to get on. It was a bit later than usual, and Teresa wondered whether she would arrive at her appointment on time. There was nothing she could do about it now, so she just tried to avoid the glances of the standing passengers in the same way she was trying to ignore her rumbling stomach.

  Most seated passengers pretended to be asleep, and Teresa too found herself nodding off. Perhaps it was the warmth. All those people crammed in a small area generating all that heat.

  The large numbers of people on the metro distracted Teresa as did the minutiae of her daily tasks. She had a dental appointment so she would have to wait before she could resolve her issues with Felipe and the missing cat.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven - Life after Felipe – 27th January 2016

  She endured the nightmares. She endured her sessions with her psychologist. She endured work. She endured home. She endured her family. She endured the distance from her daughter. She endured the blood which trickled into the toilet mixed in with her piss.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight - The examination – 28th January 2016

  Teresa reclined on the chair; naked save for a surgical gown made from some type of paper. She lay with her knees bent and apart and her feet flat and together like she’d been told to do the last time she went for a smear test. One of the nurses held Teresa’s hand while another swabbed her private area down, then inserted a local anaesthetic. Teresa flinched with the cold but was relieved it was not more uncomfortable or painful. Then the doctor inserted the camera and Teresa was surprised to find that it didn’t hurt either.

  “It’s in,” said the nurse holding Teresa’s hand. “You can watch on the monitor.”

  The doctor filled Teresa’s bladder with water which made her want to go to the toilet. She winced as the biopsy tool pinched the inner wall of her bladder and removed a sample. The tube’s journey back out of Teresa was more uncomfortable and, though she didn’t admit it to the kind nurse holding her hand, a little painful.

  The whole procedure was over within twenty minutes, and before long Teresa was in a private room sipping on juice the kind nurse had given her when she had come into the room to tell her that as soon as she did a wee, she could go home.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine – The Chip Shop – 6th December 2013

  Teresa had been drinking all day. She had had a few the night before as well. She’d already taken time off work because she felt things were getting a bit much, but she was feeling more stressed than usual.

  It was Annabel’s 4th birthday tomorrow, and she had spent hours preparing everything for the party which they were having at the house because William said they couldn’t afford to hire anywhere to do a buffet the Brazilian way. William assured her that English families always had their birthday parties at home.

  Annabel was starting to complain that she was hungry and Teresa was so tired having spent the entire day making Brazilian and sweets and savouries, much less baking the most ambitious cake she had ever attempted. Everything had an ice princess theme, and she had made different shades of blue icing. She could have given Annabel one or two of the savouries, but she was nervous as it was that there would not be enough for tomorrow.

  Teresa looked through the cupboards; there was nothing easy to make. She could go to the chip shop, but it was cold outside, and Annabel was too annoying to make her walk all the way to the chip shop. She looked out the window at the car parked in the driveway. It wouldn’t take five minutes by car. Just there and back what could go wrong?

  “Fish and chips?” Teresa suggested to her daughter who began clapping her hands together at the prospect.

  Teresa was very careful to wrap up Annabel warm against the cold, and it was only when she bundled her into the back seat that she remembered she had left her daughter’s safety seat having only just finished cleaning it from the time Annabel threw up on the way back from dropping William at the train station. She looked back at the house, and at her daughter in the back seat. It’s only five minutes, she thought.

  “Here you go darling, put on your seatbelt, tuck this part under your arm, so it doesn’t rub on your neck,” she said a
s she fastened in her daughter.

  “Here we go,” she said, jumping in the front seat. “Let’s go and get some chips.”

  *

  Teresa did not know where she was. Her head hurt. She touched it with her hand. It felt wet. She looked at her fingers. Blood. Where was she? What had happened? She was in the car. A man was shouting at her through the driver’s window. She could hear crying. She turned to see Annabel in the back seat in tears.

  “It’s OK darling,” she said. “Everything is going to be OK.”

  There was a tapping on the window. It was a policeman. Teresa stepped out of the car.

  “Are you able to tell me what happened?” asked the policeman. Teresa could see an angry looking man behind him talking to another policeman and pointing towards her.

  Teresa said nothing. She was unable to say anything. She had no recollection of what had happened.

  “I’m going to have to ask you to give me a breath test.” said the policeman, producing a breathalyser.

  Teresa panicked. If she took the breath test, they would find out she had been drinking.

  “What are you accuthing me of?” she slurred.

  “I assure you it is the normal procedure in these situations, madam.” said the policeman.

  “I am not blowing into that thing,” she shouted. “My daughter ith in the car. Do you think I would drive and drink?”

  The policeman raised his eyebrows at her slurred speech.

  “If you fail to provide a sample of breath,” the policeman continued. “I shall have to arrest you and take you to the station.”

  “This ith outrageous,” Teresa began waving her arms in the air. “Fucking outrageous.”

  *

  “Would you come this way please?” A police officer led Teresa through the station to the entrance where William was waiting with an expression which caused a shiver of fear to run down her spine.

  “You refused to give a bloody breath test?” were the first words he uttered.

  “Where is she?” Teresa asked after Annabel.

  “With mother,” William said as if irritated at being side-tracked. “You do realise you will have to go to court. You could have killed yourself. You could have killed Annabel.”