Living with Saci

by M J Dees

  Chapter Forty - The Results – 25th February 2016

  Teresa stared at the doctor not believing what he had just told her. Her head raced with questions, but she had no idea which one to ask first. She felt overwhelmed; she felt scared.

  “There are a few more tests we’ll need to do to find out a bit more about your cancer, to help us treat it better.” the doctor said as if he hadn’t just uttered the C word and everything was fine.

  But everything wasn’t fine. Teresa watched the doctor talking, but none of his words seemed to register in her brain which was struggling to deal with the maelstrom of emotions which were swirling around inside her head. She felt she was being carried along by something she could not control. She felt angry. Why did all this stupid shit have to happen to her? What had she done to God to piss him off so much?

  The doctor asked Teresa if she was still seeing her psychologist and Teresa said that she was.

  “Good,” he said. “You should talk to your psychologist and your family. The more support, the better.”

  The support Teresa wanted was a large gin and tonic, but she thought that was what got her into this mess in the first place.

  Chapter Forty-One - The Cuckoo – 26th February 2016

  The school had given Teresa compassionate sick leave or something like that, and so she decided to go to the beach and stare at the ocean that she had stared at with Felipe.

  She felt empty. There seemed nothing for her to do. She had no interest in her job. Her chances of visiting her daughter had now disappeared. The thought of her cancer treatment filled her with horror. And now the police were after her, not only about Felipe’s disappearance but also regarding the death of the dentist.

  She heard a noise and turned to see a striped cuckoo perched on a bush a couple of metres away.

  “Oh, it’s you,” she said to the cuckoo. “Haven’t you got me into enough trouble already?”

  She watched the waves crashing onto the shore. The sea seemed calm, broken by the waves themselves as they took it in turns to dash themselves against the sands. It was a clear day, and she could see the island. The tide was out, and it looked so close. It looked so reachable. Teresa knew how strong the currents were and knew she would never reach the island. She remembered her conversation with Felipe. Such a neat way to die. Eaten by fish. The drowning part must be horrible, she thought, but it wouldn’t last for long and then she would be free. Free from pain, free from guilt, free from responsibility, free from debt.

  She lay down and closed her eyes.

  “Hello there.”

  She woke with a start and sat up to see Felipe stood by the bush where the cuckoo had been with his arms folded across his chest.

  “You! You bastard,” she said getting to her feet. “Where the fuck have you been? Your family are going berzerk. The police have been questioning me. They think I killed you.”

  “That’s a shame isn’t it,” said Felipe.

  “You need to tell everyone that you’re still alive,” she said.

  “Now why would I want to do a thing like that?” said Felipe. His tone sounded to Teresa a little bit sinister.

  “People are worried about you. You need to show the police I didn’t kill you.”

  “And spoil all the fun?”

  “What? What fun? What the fuck are you talking about? These last few weeks have been anything but fun.”

  “For you maybe,” said Felipe. “But it’s been very interesting to me seeing how you deal with it all.”

  “Are you mad? Why did you come down here that Friday and plant your clothes on the beach?”

  “Is that what happened?” asked Felipe. “I thought you killed me. Drove me down here and then dragged me into the sea. Isn’t that what the police think?”

  “Of course that’s what they think, and you have to tell them it’s not true you crazy fuck.”

  “Isn’t it?” said Felipe, unfolding his arms to reveal a deep red blood stain on his chest. “How do you explain this then?”

  Teresa rubbed her eyes. When she looked back again, Felipe was gone, but the small striped cuckoo was stood there on the bush, staring at her.

  “Felipe?” She asked the cuckoo before deciding how crazy her idea was.

  The cuckoo continued to stare at her for a moment before disappearing into the sky.

  Teresa turned to watch the sea. She watched its relentless movement. Imagined a moon pulling it with invisible power. How easy it would be just to swim. Swim until she could swim no more. Succumb to fatigue. Too far out to return.

  Teresa looked along the beach. It was almost deserted despite being not long after Carnival.

  She kicked off her flip-flops and walked to the water’s edge. A wave arrived and bathed her feet in cold water.

  She took a deep breath and stepped forward.

  Teresa panicked and inhaled. Water flooded into her lungs and she felt the fight slipping out of her. She succumbed to the dark water which enveloped her.

  Chapter Forty-Two – Taking control – 29th February 2016

  Teresa reported the recurring dream about drowning to her psychologist during her next visit. She felt her appointment had helped her to deal with her feelings about the prospect of her cancer treatment.

  She told the psychologist how she had contemplated suicide that day on the beach before she fell asleep on the sand and since then she had often reflected on her decision not to perish below the foamy brine. A victim of circumstances unable to cope any more with the obstacles which life continued to throw her way but to have done so would have been a disservice to herself. Teresa admitted she had made lots of mistakes in her life, who hadn’t? She recounted how had often felt like a passive observer of events as they had happened to her but for Teresa to have given up at that moment would, in her opinion, had let her daughter down. Her daughter who, one day, would want to get to know her biological mother and the circumstances which tore them apart. Teresa said she was also well aware there were millions of Brazilian women whose lives were tougher than her’s.

  Teresa knew she had had enough; she knew what she needed to do. She wasn’t going to lay down and take it anymore. She was going to take control of her life and fight. She would find a way to get back to her daughter, whatever it took.

  Chapter Forty-Three - The Fight Back – 1st March 2016

  Teresa thanked Selma for putting her up and said that she had decided to return to her flat. She sat down on a kitchen chair and sent a text to the school explaining that she would be returning to work. She also sent a text to the police detective who had left some voicemails trying to contact her about Felipe’s disappearance. The phone rang almost straight away. It was the detective. He asked where she was and she told him she was at home and that she had no intention of leaving again. The detective asked her when she could go to the station and she said she could go right away.

  A tall, fair-haired man greeted Teresa at the police station.

  “Teresa? Please come this way,” he said in what seemed to Teresa a kind voice.

  “Of course,” she said and followed him into a small office littered with paperwork.

  “Have a seat. Would you like a coffee?” the detective asked.

  “No, I’m fine thanks,” she said.

  “It’s been a very difficult job getting hold of you.”

  “Yes, I’m sorry about that,” said Teresa. “It’s been a very difficult time.”

  “I understand that, but it does make our job a little difficult if you’re not available to answer our questions.”

  Teresa looked down in embarrassment.

  “Why did you leave the hospital without being discharged?”

  “I didn’t realise that I needed to be discharged,” Teresa explained. “They gave me a bunch of forms, and I thought that was it.”

  “When our officers arrived at the hospital to interview you about the incident at the dental surgery, they found some very confused doctors and nurses wondering where you had gone.
We managed to get your details from the dentist’s records, but then your sister-in-law told us about your fiancé’s disappearance and convinced us to put off questioning you for a bit. I stupidly agreed, and then your sister in law shot herself. I visited her in the hospital before I contacted you, just as a courtesy to an old friend. We go to the same church. But then you disappeared. Didn’t return my calls. You can forgive me for thinking you might have been hiding from something.”

  Teresa offered an apologetic smile.

  “I’ve just been diagnosed with cancer.” Teresa decided to go the sympathy route.

  “I’m very sorry to hear that,” said the detective. “It must be very difficult, on top of the disappearance of your fiancé, and the incident with the dentist. A very stressful time.”

  For some reason, the detective’s words did not sound sincere.

  “Sometimes stress makes people do strange things,” he continued. “I expect that Selma has already filled you in on the theory that has been floating around at the station.”

  Teresa nodded.

  “It’s a very understandable scenario. A stressful situation. Things reach a head. We say, or even do, things that we regret. But then it’s too late, isn’t it? Some things we can’t take back, things we’ve said, or things we’ve done.”

  “What are you insinuating?”

  “I know you deleted those text messages.”

  Teresa sighed.

  “I just thought they might give someone the wrong idea.” she tried to explain.

  “Or maybe they would give someone the right idea. You see, you had plenty of time to go to the beach and back.”

  “To do what?”

  “Why, to dispose of the evidence of course. I’m sure it was just an accident. But who would believe you with all those incriminating text messages? Maybe the neighbours heard shouting.”

  “Go and speak to the neighbours.”

  “I already have. Very illuminating.”

  “So why don’t you arrest me if you think I did it.”

  “I thought it only fair to give you the chance to tell your side of the story first.”

  “You already know my side of the story.”

  “I wanted to hear it from the horse’s mouth as it were.”

  “And now you’ve heard it. I came home and found the note that’s all there is to it.”

  “So you didn’t argue then?”

  “Yes, we argued, he left. I went to the dentist, woke up in the hospital, and when I came home, I found the note.”

  “And his phone.”

  “And his phone,” she confirmed.

  The detective sighed.

  “Teresa, if there is anything you want to tell me, now would be a very good time.”

  Teresa looks the detective straight in the eyes.

  “I did not kill Felipe.”

  “OK then. Well, in the absence of a body or a murder weapon I’m afraid I’m not in a position to disagree with you. But if you do think of anything you would like to share then here’s my card. I’ll show you out.”

  The detective got up and walked to the door then stopped and turned.

  “Oh, just one more thing,” he said. “At the dentist, you didn’t happen to get a look at the man who attacked you did you?”

  “No,” said Teresa. “He was wearing a mask.”

  The detective laughed.

  “They always are,” he said and then showed her out.

  Chapter Forty-Four - The cancer treatment – 15th March 2016

  They had caught the cancer early, they had said. Teresa was lucky, the doctors had said. Lucky to have just her cervix removed. Teresa didn’t want to think what would have happened had she been unlucky. A radical trachelectomy they had called it. Teresa had taken the time to learn how to pronounce it properly. She was lucky, they had said, her plan would cover it. She didn’t feel lucky. She didn’t feel in the slightest bit lucky. They told her it was common to feel anxious. That was good because she felt very anxious. More anxious than usual and she was a woman who was used to feeling anxious. They were going to remove her cervix and the upper third part of her vagina, she was told. Teresa did not have a lot of experience of being ‘lucky’, but she was fairly sure that this was not what it felt like. They were also going to remove some tissue she couldn’t remember the name of and some lymph nodes or something, but this just seemed like icing on the cake compared to the loss of her cervix and a third of her vagina.

  At least she would have a general anaesthetic and would sleep through the whole thing. She’d had to take more time off work having only just gone back, but the school had been sympathetic, well, most people, the few people who knew the truth. She’d told Mariana. Mariana had approached her in fact. She had heard about Felipe’s disappearance and the whole dentist thing, probably through the headmistress, and she had sat next to Teresa in the lunchroom one break time and offered to make up. Teresa, not really in a position to turn away friends, had accepted and she was glad she had. Mariana turned out to be one of her greatest supports when it came time to have some of her innards removed.

  They said it was only early stage cervical cancer. Only. The doctors said Teresa should still be able to get pregnant in the future if she wished. Yeah, right. Like anyone other than a complete fucking psychopath was willing to take her to bed. She didn’t say this to the doctors of course. She was very polite and nodded at all the right moments. They had offered her a full hysterectomy, which seemed very kind of them. This would have ended any hope of ever having another child. It wasn’t that she wanted another child, it was just that she always thought it best to keep her options open. Maybe she should have been impregnated by Felipe while she had the chance. Then she would have had the opportunity to raise her own little psychopath. Maybe with half her genes, it would have only turned out half, or two-thirds, psychotic.

  They had mentioned the possibility of removing some eggs before the hysterectomy which could be frozen in case she ever met someone who wanted to fertilise them in which case she could have them placed in a surrogate mother, something she did not feel like wishing on anyone.

  They also offered her the option of radiotherapy with the bonus of chemotherapy for added effectiveness but the long-time side effects were worse, and it would preclude the possibility of her ever breeding a little psychopath.

  There was a knock on the door.

  “Enter,” said Teresa wondering whether she sounded like royalty.

  A doctor, with a small entourage of nurses, entered, brandishing some forms. He smiled a kind smile.

  “Is everything OK?” he asked.

  “Yes, fine.” Teresa lied.

  “I just need you to sign these, then you’ll need to get changed, and we’ll get you down to the theatre.” he handed her the forms.

  “What are these?” she asked.

  “Just standard procedure,” he reassured her. “Your permission for us to do the operation and to take any measures that might be necessary when you are under general anaesthetic. During which time you won’t be in any state to give any permissions.”

  He laughed to himself, some kind of personal joke.

  “What kind of measures?”

  “Well, there is a small risk of bleeding either during or after the operation so it may be necessary to give you a blood transfusion.”

  Teresa raised her eyebrows.

  “There is the risk of infection,” the doctor continued. “So you need to permit us to give you antibiotics both during and after.”

  Teresa thought this seemed reasonable.

  “There is the risk of cutting the bowel or bladder but of course if this does occur it will be repaired during the surgery.”

  “That’s nice.”

  “And of course there’s the usual stuff related to having a general anaesthetic.”

  “Of course.”

  “Oh, and you’ll need to wear these.” the doctor handed her a pair of stockings.

  “What are these?”
/>   “Stockings to help prevent deep vein thrombosis. You’ll need to wear them after the operation and have anticoagulant injections to prevent clotting. It just thins your blood.”

  “Are there any other risks I should be aware of?”

  “There are lots of potential complications,” said the doctor, quite matter of fact. “But let’s not worry about those unless we have to.”

  Teresa didn’t look very comfortable. The doctor sat beside her.

  “Don’t worry,” he said. “As I explained before, the procedure is quite simple. The cervix and the parametrial tissue, the supporting tissue around the cervix, will be removed through the vagina. The pelvic lymph nodes will be removed through an opening made in the abdomen. It will only take three or four small incisions, and you should have a small scar but nothing to worry about.”

  Teresa tried to force a smile.

  “A large permanent stitch will be inserted through the opening of the uterus. This will hold the opening of the uterus together, but it still allows you to have your monthly period and to conceive. So don’t worry about that.”

  Teresa thought maybe the hysterectomy would have been the better option, for the sake of not having her monthly period alone. The doctor touched her arm.

  “Don’t worry,” he said. “Get changed, and the anaesthetist will be back in a jiffy to take you down.”

  Teresa hoped that meant to the operating theatre and was not some wrestling reference.

  *

  When she awoke, Teresa became aware of an oxygen mask covering her mouth. Then she realised there was also something in her arm and saw that a drip had been connected to her arm. She lifted her hand. It looked like someone had attached a clothes peg to her finger. She felt sleepy, and she felt uncomfortable down below. She tried to look, but someone was preventing her from sitting up.

  “You’ve had a catheter fitted,” explained a female voice. “You’re not going to be able to get out of bed to pee for a while. Plus, it helps us keep track of how much you’re peeing.”

  This was too much information for Teresa who wasn’t really awake yet. There seemed to be tubes everywhere, and she ached in all kinds of places.

  “There’s also a temporary drain in your abdomen,” the nurse continued. “It will drain any excess fluid or blood that might be present,”