Deep Spoilers - Gamer #4

by Ryder Windham

  "Da Rep Council," Cova informed the devastated pair, "also suggest-ed yousa showdabe thrown inda lock-up place until wesa know Squidfella Quiglee isa live, boot Boss Nass say dare gotta be mure evidence. Still, a lotta Gungans isa callen youse deep spoilers, un a lotta elders isa pitty irate wit yousa for boomin yousa bongos into da mountain."

  "Dey wowdabe mure heppy if we sa got pasted?" Neb Neb asked with genuine concern, unphased by Cova's remark about "deep spoilers." Neb Neb and Spleed had heard that one before. Cova shrugged. "Da elders say da moutain is sacred."

  "Sacred?!" Spleed sputtered. "Wesa broken no rules! Wesa no da ones dat putta tunnel through dat mountain! Since when is dare no crashen law in an official bongo race?"

  Cova ignored Neb Neb's remarks. "Yousa duey crash-ed at da wrongo time. Da Rep Council gotta complaints about bongo racen. Some sayen too noisy, some sayen too messy, some sayen possible maxi bad gamblin and corruption-"

  "Gamblin and corruption?!" echoed the racers.

  "Dat's right," Cova said, and his fixed gaze carried a hint of casual suspicion. "Dare's some sayen dat you duey throwen da races un crashen...on purpose."

  The accusation hit Spleed and Neb Neb like a blast of hot air. Eyes wide and earlobes tensed, Spleed protested, "Yousa tink sumbotty payen uss-ens to crash? Den yousa tell me whosa dat sumbotty is, causen mesa wanten to see dem clams!"

  Before the race commissioner could respond, Neb Neb held out his hands, palms exposed. "Lookee, Cova," he said. "Wesa got nutten to hide. Yousa wanna investigate uss-ens? Do it."

  Cova drummed his thick fingers on the top of his desk. "Yousa tellen mesa dat yousa always rilly racen to win?"

  "Absolootly!" Neb Neb answered without hesitation. "Wesa nebber competen to lose!"

  "So all-n yous crashes...?"

  "Axadentes happen," said Spleed.

  Apparently skeptical, Cova said, "Axadentes, huh? What if some say both-n yous no lucky un clumsy?"

  "Haw!" Neb Neb laughed. "Wesa da luckiest un da moto skilled too! If we sa no lucky un clumsy, how comen wesa still breathin, standen hair in yous office, instedda maken liken fish food?"

  Cova clapped his hands together and smiled. "Yousa lucky, all right. Boss Nass liken bongo racen, un tinks yous duey is good sports. Dat's why he talkie tooda Council, un tell dem dat youse only ganna get a short suspension."

  "How longo is a short suspension?" asked Neb Neb.

  Cova grinned. "Mesa tinks youse be back in da races just as soonest yousa do Boss Nass a favor."

  Spleed gulped. "A favor? For da Boss?"

  "Dat's right," said Cova. "It involves hisen old heyblibber."

  ***

  Major Fassa met Captain Tarpals in front of a crowded restaurant bubble that adjoined the City Bigspace. Fassa wore a civilian outfit and could not help but frown when she saw that the kaadu patrol chief was still in uniform. "Yousa worken overtime," she said.

  Tarpals nodded. "Sumptin come up."

  "Seems liken sumptin always comen up. Any word about Squidfella Quiglee?"

  "No yet," Tarpals replied. "Patrols stililookee for him."

  Fassa noticed that Tarpals was carrying a small rolled scroll, and asked, "What's dat."

  "A message from Boss Nass. My have to take it to Lob Dizz."

  "My take da message to Dizz for yousa," Fassa offered.

  "Tanks," Tarpals said as he handed the scroll to Fassa. "Boot firstest, let's take-a walk."

  Leaving the restaurant bubble, they entered the City Bigspace and stepped onto the Grand Walkway. In every direction wandered hundreds of tourists. Many of them were first-time visitors to Otoh Gunga, and several were clearly neither Gungans nor Naboo. In the aftermath of the Battle of Naboo, the ambassadors of other Republic planets had taken a keen interest in Naboo culture, Otoh Gunga in particular. At the sight of two humanoids exchanging a long kiss before a Gungan ceremonial fountain, Tarpals winced.

  "Da tings some people do in public," Tarpals commented.

  "My tinks daza honeymoonen," said Fassa.

  "Honeymoon en?" said Tarpals. "What's dat?"

  "Mesa nut surr," Fassa said, "boot mesa hear talken. Word is dat outlaunders tink dat Otoh Gunga is 'good place for honeymoonen.'"

  Tarpals stole a quick glance back at the kissing couple, who remained locked in a tight embrace. "My wonder if dat meanen honeymoonen is no good in otter places. Mabee some places it even illegal."

  Fassa stopped walking and said, "What gooie-on, Tarpals. Yousa tryen to tell mesa sumptin?"

  Tarpals gazed into Fassa's eyes, then looked away. "Tings is changen too fast in dis city," he said at last. "At firstest, mesa tinken dat some change is good. Bein friends wit da Naboo seemed liken good ting, un still seems liken a good ting. Boot all dese otter beings...Fassa, daza drivin mesa nutsen."

  "What?" Fassa said, surprised by Tarpals' admission.

  "Moto of dem is okeyday," Tarpals continued. "Boot some...dey bringen dair own food un talkie-ways. Dey traden garments wit uss-ens, boot dair garments isa no good for wearin underwater. Dey comen hair to get a lookee round, boot dey no learn da local laws or customs. Dey walk where dey no supposed to walk, un mesa tinks dat some of dem been swipen locap plants." Tarpals shook his head.

  "In otter words," Fassa interjected, "Yousa confound-ed becausen some outlaunders got no respict for uss-ens culture?"

  Tarpals nodded.

  Fassa beamed. "Den yousa no avoiden mesa becausen mesa uncle is Boss Nass?"

  "What?" Tarpals gasped, lifting the lids of his eyestalks. "Doan be ridiculous. Mesa beyond all dat." Then Tarpals looked past Fassa's shoulder and said "Uh-oh."

  "What yet?"

  "Duty callen," Tarpals snarled as he moved away from Fassa. "Dat honeymoonen couple just climb-ed into da ceremonial fountain."

  Fassa watched Tarpals walk toward the soaking couple, then looked down at the rolled scroll in her hand. Deciding that she didn't want to wait around for Tarpals, she turned to exit the City Bigspace and headed for Lob Dizz's laboratory bubble.

  ***

  Lob Dizz was one of the most respected engineers in Otoh Gunga, especially for her expertise with bongo propulsion systems. She was passionate about her work, and most of her assignments were official jobs for the Otoh Gunga Transit Authority or Grand Gungan Army. Her current project was more personal in nature; Boss Nass had asked her to see whether she could do something with the engine to his old heyblibber, the luxury sub that had been totaled by Jar Jar Binks.

  Specifically, Boss Nass wanted the heyblibber's engine restored and installed into a tribubble racing bongo. He also had some specific ideas about the bongo's design, insisting on the input of a pair of racers. Lob Dizz had agreed, but when she had learned that the two racers were Spleed Nukkels and Neb Neb Goodrow, she immediately wondered whether Boss Nass were trying to punish her.

  Lob Dizz heard rumors that Spleed and Neb Neb might know something about the disappearance of Squidfella Quiglee, but she didn't believe them. In all fairness, she liked Spleed and Neb Neb. She had dealt with them in the past and had employed them as test pilots, but that was before their recent string of crashes. Although Spleed and Neb Neb had never damaged any of Lob Dizz's prototypes, their reputation as crash survivors did not inspire much confidence.

  As the engineer watched Spleed and Neb Neb at work in the sub pen that neighbored her laboratory, she figured that Boss Nass might not be trying to punish her after all. Perhaps the Boss intended to use the pair's cleverness and teamwork in more productive ways. The two racers had thrown themselves into their assignment with great enthusiasm and had offered several good ideas for increasing speed and navigational control. The main problem was working with the heyblibber engine itself, as the power unit had been originally engineered for a sub that had been quite a bit larger and longer than a typical bongo. Instead of being frustrated by the challenge, Spleed and Neb Nebb were thrilled by it.

  "Pliz hand mesa dat flik-tweezer, Spleed," Neb Neb said from his station atop of the bongo, just
behind the cockpit, where he was trying to tighten a brace on the sub's main hydrostatic field generator. The new bongo was floating in the sub pen's central work-pool, and Spleed stood in the water at the bongo's port side. Spleed passed the tool up to Neb Neb, who commented, "Dis bongo is ganna rip da slippity come next blur-spin."

  "Mure dan dat," Spleed responded as she broke off a fresh rod for the sub's port trim control oil cyclers. "After wesa snap da snout un shave da flippies, dis swimmer's ganna do some bombad plorkscrewen dat'll leave da fun-boggers cryen dry!"

  Lobb Dizz closed her eyes and shook her head, trying to purge the lingo-riddled banter from her skull. Except for the word "bongo," she couldn't fully grasp what they were talking about.

  There was a heavy knock at the sub pen entrance, and Lobb Dizz turned to see a female Gungan under the arched doorway. "Major Fassa! Mesa almos no reckonize yousa outta uniform."

  "Mesa on short leave," Fassa said as she stepped forward and handed the scroll to Lobb Dizz. "Dis for yousa from Boss Nass."

  Lobb Dizz unrolled the scroll, read the message, and sighed. "Da Boss wanten to take hisen new bongo for a test plunge tomorrow."

  Fassa looked at the bongo floating in the pool and nodded at Neb Neb and Spleed. "So, dat's mesa uncle's newest toy, huh?"

  "Toy?" Spleed said. "Wit all due rispict, Major Fassa, dis no toy! Dis bongo ganna make Boss Nass da Boss Nastiest!"

  "Is ganna what?" Lob Dizz said with some alarm. "Yousa tryen to maken da Boss angry?"

  Neb Neb chuckled. "No worry, Dizz. Spleed no meanen da Boss ganna be angry. 'Nastiest' meanen no sluggin un sleepen, da exspeediest un moto maxi-bombad bongo on Naboo."

  Lob Dizz looked at Fassa and asked, "Yousa know what daza sayen?"

  "Sorta," Fassa admitted, and her tone revealed that she did not like the sound of it. If Boss Nass wound up owning the fastest bongo on Naboo, his head would swell so much that he would require a larger crown.

  A squawk sounded from Lob Dizz's communications console and a voice barked, "Lobb Dizz, yousa dare?"

  "Yep, my hair," Lobb Dizz said into the comm.

  "Dis Wilk Nilkers of da Cleanup Squad," the voice bellowed.

  "Wesa gotta 'mergency. An outlaunder at da Bigspace Hotel axadently flush-ed some boiled quench weed down a wastepot, un now all da hotel's waste pipes is stuck shut."

  In the sub pen, all four Gungans groaned. It was common knowledge that flushing even a small amount of boiled quench weed down a waste-pot would plug up the waste pipes for days. Not even the most simple-minded Gungan would do something so foolish.

  "Lousy tourists," Lob Dizz grumbled into the comm. "My on mesa way." Lob Dizz grabbed her utility bag and headed for the doorway, then stopped, turned to Fassa, and whispered, "Pliz stay hair, til mesa get back. My afraid if nobody watch dem, Neb Neb un Spleed is ganna taken da bongo out for a test run."

  "Okeyday," Fassa said. She didn't have any other plans anyway. As she watched Lob Dizz leave, she caught sight of a large object gliding past the exterior of the laboratory bubble.

  It was a military bongo. And Squidfella Quiglee was in the cockpit.

  ***

  It hadn't been easy for Squidfella Quiglee to return to Otoh Gunga and evade detection after the race. It had been even more difficult to steal a military bongo from a Gungan Grand Army sub pen and locate Neb Neb and Spleed. But Squidfella was determined, and he knew his way around pretty well. He wanted to restore a good reputation to the sport of bongo racing by making sure that Neb Neb and Spleed would never compete again.

  Squidfella had faked the call from "Wilk Nilkers of da Cleanup Squad" to get Lobb Dizz out of her laboratory bubble. From the military bongo, Squidfella peered across the watery expanse that separated him from the bubble and had seen Lobb Dizz grab her utility bag and leave. He had hoped that the other Gungan who had just arrived - a female whom he didn't recognize - would leave with Lobb Dizz, but when she stayed behind, all Squidfella could do was shrug. "Yousa win some..."

  Squidfella fired an energy torpedo squarely at Lob Dizz's bubble. "...and yousa losen some."

  ***

  "Get down!" Fassa shouted as she hit the floor and rolled under a sturdy table. Spleed and Neb Neb flinched at Fassa's command and snapped their heads to look in her direction.

  There was a loud explosion as the energy torpedo detonated against one of the bubble's uta node braces. The bubble's hydrostatic field flickered, and a brief, hard shower of lake water thundered down into the bubble's interior before the emergency generator kicked in and restored the field.

  Soaking wet, Fassa sprang out from under the table. Neb Neb had been driven headfirst into the open cockpit of the bongo, and Spleed was cursing as she hopped out of the work-pool. Fassa looked out through the bubble's transparent walls, trying to locate the military bongo, but water was still fizzling against the re-energized hydrostatic field and she couldn't see a thing.

  "What da boom-hey happened?!" Neb Neb shouted as he righted himself in the cockpit.

  "Wesa under attack!" Fassa answered. "Wesa gotta get outta hair!" Eyeing Boss Nass' bongo, she asked with some urgency, "Dat ting worken or what?"

  Neb Neb slid into the pilot's seat, punched the ignition, and Boss Nass's bongo engine roared to life. "Hop in," said Neb Neb as he quickly secured his safety harness.

  Fassa and Spleed leaped up to the bongo and scrambled into the cockpit. Fassa had intended to take the navigator's position, but Spleed beat her to it and Fassa fell back into the roomy rear seat. A moment after Fassa activated the bongo's cockpit bubble, the sub pen was struck by a second energy torpedo, and more lake water came pounding down, hammering the hull of Boss Nass' bongo.

  Neb Neb rotated the bongo so its nose pointed at the exit portal, then threw the sub forward, launching it through the gossamer sphincter and into Lake Paonga. Even though Spleed and Neb Neb knew the bongo would be fast, they were surprised when they felt their bodies press back into their seats. "Whosa tryen to paste uss-ens?" Neb Neb asked as he steered away from the lab bubble and the underwater city.

  "Squidfella Quiglee got hisself a militia-bongo," Fassa replied.

  "What-a wee nee," Spleed commented as she scanned the sub's sensor screen, happy to have a working one for a change. A red dot was moving fast toward their position, and Spleed said, "Boomer-blip comen in speedest onda starboard."

  Neb Neb steered the bongo into a steep climb, and Fassa looked out through the cockpit canopy, watching as an energy torpedo sailed under and away from them. As Neb Neb looped the sub back toward their attacker, he heard the torpedo explode on the lake floor. Outside the cockpit, the militia-bongo came into view.

  Neb Neb headed straight for it.

  In the Grand Gungan Army, Fassa was known for her unflappable calm under pressure. However, in all her experience, she'd never been in a bongo with Spleed Nukkels and Neb Neb Goodrow. Clutching the armrests of the rear seat, Fassa gasped, "What yousa doen?"

  Neb Neb's voice was calm as he answered, "Squidfella's boren da daylights outta mesa."

  The militia-bongo began angling to face the incoming sub, but its speed was no match for Boss Nass's bongo. Neb Neb rolled and sped for the militia-bongo's stern.

  "Hang onto yousa thumbs," Spleed advised as she tightened her safety harness.

  As per Boss Nass's instructions, the bongo's forward diving plane and skeletal structure had been heavily reinforced, Boss Nass had wanted the bongo to be extra durable as well as fast, and Spleed and Neb Neb had been happy to oblige.

  With a bone-jarring impact, Neb Neb slammed into the rotating dome at the base of the militia-bongo's fins. The reinforced diving plane sheared through the dome, effectively separating the militia-bongo's fins from its body. Fassa glanced back through her cockpit canopy and saw the fins whip back through the water and smash into the militia-bongo.

  Fassa was speechless.

  "Un dat," Neb Neb said, "isa howta rilly take out da competition." He decelerated and circled back to inspect the damage. The
militia-bongo and its severed fins were floating dead in the water. Squidfella was visible inside his cockpit, unconscious and slumped over the controls.

  Happy to be alive, Spleed and Neb Neb turned to face.each other and said simultaneously, "Mayda bubbles always bees behind yous." Then they hawked and spat.

  In the back seat, Fassa said, "Yuck."

  Wiping off his face, Neb Neb said, "Mabee da good-lucky ritual a no smart idea when wesa sitten so close."

  ***

  Boss Nass was mortified when Lob Dizz informed him that her laboratory bubble was destroyed and his bongo was missing. But when Major Fassa returned and informed him of the details, the Boss was relieved that no one had been seriously injured. He was also delighted that his bongo had performed so admirably in the apprehension of Squidfella Quiglee.

  For stealing the militia-bongo, endangering Major Fassa, and firing on Otoh Gunga, Squidfella was banned from bongo racing and sent to a remote correctional clinic. Despite all that he'd done, Neb Neb Goodrow and Spleed Nukkels bore him no grudge and hoped that proper counseling would eventually lead to his rehabilitation.

  Although there was some protest from a few members of the Gungan Rep Council, Spleed and Neb Neb had their bongo licenses reinstated. Boss Nass referred to them as vital players in a sport that was drawing intergalactic attention, and he looked forward to seeing more tourists come to Otoh Gunga.

  When Captain Tarpals learned of Boss Nass's plans to further promote tourism, he proposed that clearly posted warning signs - written in Basic - might keep the outlanders from getting into trouble. Boss Nass didn't much like the idea of warning signs all over Otoh Gunga and told Tarpals he'd think about it.

  In their very next race, Spleed and Neb Neb survived yet another explosive collision. Their fans were hardly surprised, but delighted just the same.