Healing the Widower's Heart

by Susan Anne Mason

  After a last glance at the volleyball game, she turned toward the boathouse. Jerry was most likely tidying up for the day. Diligent as ever.

  The boards on the dock made no sound as she approached the small enclosure. She opened the door, squinting into the dim interior. She was about to call out when the sight before her robbed her of speech. Jerry and Sandy stood locked together in a passionate embrace, oblivious to everything else around them.

  A series of startling emotions washed over Paige as she stared at the pair, beginning with astonishment and ending in unbridled anger.

  “Is this how you do your job when I’m not here?” The furious words erupted from her mouth before rational thought could overtake her.

  The startled pair flew apart and stood gaping at her. Jerry was the first to recover. “Paige, you’re back.”

  “Please, don’t let me interrupt. I’m sure the teenagers are more than happy to cover for you.”

  Ignoring Sandy’s beet-red face, Paige wheeled out the door and tore back down the dock, feet pounding on the wooden boards. She kept running, her breath coming in great gasps, finally forcing her to stop for air. She bent over her knees, chest heaving, until she could breathe normally again.

  Erratic thoughts zigzagged through her brain. When she’d first discovered signs of a budding romance between Jerry and Sandy, she’d been happy for them. So why was this kiss giving her an anxiety attack?

  She continued walking until she came to a clearing that led down to the lake. Paige sank onto a wooden bench and stared at the ripples that hugged the shore. The image of Jerry’s hands caressing Sandy’s back played over and over in her mind—a haunting reminder of what she’d never have again if she kept to her resolution to avoid relationships. Her stomach did a somersault at the painful realization that her anger stemmed from jealousy.

  She envied Jerry and Sandy’s relationship.

  As much as she wished she could deny it, she craved that type of connection with Nathan—longed to feel his touch, the thrill of his kiss.

  A cold splash of reality jarred her hard. Despite every effort to the contrary, she was falling in love with Nathan!

  She jumped to her feet and practically sprinted down the path toward the inn, consumed by the overwhelming need to get away. To go somewhere quiet where she could think.

  The parking lot came into view. Matt’s car was there. He wouldn’t mind if she borrowed it for a while. She pulled out her key ring, which thankfully had a spare for the car, and hopped into the driver’s seat. She left Matt a brief voice mail, then started up the engine. As she turned onto the main road, and the inn grew smaller in the background of her rearview mirror, relief spilled through her tense frame. Slowly, her frenzied heart rate returned to normal.

  Before she knew it, she had turned down the road to the church, somehow realizing that prayer was the only thing that could help her sort out her mixed emotions.

  The church’s interior sat in darkness except for one small light above the altar and two on the side walls. She slid into a pew, wanting to pray, but no words would come. She absorbed the silence for a while until her thoughts calmed.

  Lord, I don’t understand why You brought Nathan into my life. Is it to test my faith? To prove I was serious about the path I’ve chosen for my life?

  She became aware of the tears falling when she felt the wetness on her folded hands.

  I don’t want to love again, Lord. It’s too hard, too scary. Please take away these feelings. Let me feel peace again.

  “Paige?” The quiet voice broke the stillness, startling Paige from her thoughts.

  She looked up to see Dan Redding standing in the aisle, concern in his warm eyes. Embarrassed, she swiped at her cheeks. “Dan. I thought you’d be home by now.”

  “I’m heading there now, but I thought I heard someone out here. Is everything okay? Your father’s recovering, isn’t he?”

  “Dad’s doing much better. I’m just worried about a personal problem. I’ll be fine.”

  He reached out to cover her hand with his. “Can I help?”

  Her lip trembled anew. “I appreciate the offer, but no.”

  “Does this have anything to do with Nathan?”

  Paige’s head flew up. “Why would you say that?”

  Dan’s lips lifted and he sat down beside her. “I’ve seen the two of you together. Saw how you reacted during the storm. If I’m not mistaken, there are a lot of feelings there on both sides.”

  More tears leaked down her cheeks. “I can’t do this, Dan. I can’t take a chance like that again.”

  Dan put a comforting arm around her shoulder. “It’s only natural to be scared after losing someone you loved. But maybe it’s time to stop fighting so hard to control everything. Why not turn things over to God? Let Him take the lead.”

  She only shook her head, words failing her.

  “Trust God, Paige. Trust His plan for you. He won’t let you down.” He gave her arm a sympathetic pat as he rose. “Feel free to stay as long as you need. I’ll come back and lock up later.”

  She sagged farther into the pew until her spine hit the hard wooden back. Was Dan right? Did she really lack trust in God’s plan for her life? If so, how did she learn to unclench the death grip on her emotions and give up the rigid control she’d fought so hard to achieve?

  Lord, help me to put my trust in You.

  Paige stayed awhile longer, reluctant to leave the sanctuary the church provided. A gradual calmness crept over her as she sat in the dark—feeling God’s presence there with her. Somehow she knew He would show her the right path to take.

  Long after the sun had gone down, she returned to the car, hoping that when the time came, she could accept God’s will—whatever that turned out to be.

  Chapter Seventeen

  The next morning, after seeing Matt off, Paige walked with Zach beside the lake. The day had dawned clear with no morning mist, and Paige had taken it as a good omen for the day ahead. She’d started out with an apology to Jerry and Sandy for her outburst the previous day. Both were gracious enough to accept her sketchy explanation of being stressed and overtired.

  She turned her focus to Zach. They were running low on time and she still needed to uncover the memories of his most painful experience—finding his mother’s body. She hoped he was ready to face it.

  “I’d like to talk to you about the day your mother died,” Paige said in a quiet voice after they’d walked for several minutes.

  Zach picked up a stone to skip over the water. “I don’t wanna talk about that.”

  “I know it’s hard. After this, you’ll never have to talk about it with me again if you don’t want to.”

  When he only shrugged, she led him to a flat rock that jutted over the water. “This is my favorite spot. Let’s sit here.”

  Without a word, he followed her up to the craggy area. She had never pushed him during any of their sessions, but she would today. She hoped the consequences wouldn’t be too severe.

  “Zach, I want you to tell me what happened that day, starting from the beginning.”

  He picked up a stick and began to poke it into the rock, swirling the gravel into the cracks, but remained silent.

  “It was a school day, wasn’t it?” she prompted.

  He nodded.

  “Did your mother wake you up?”

  After several seconds, he shook his head. “We slept in and we were late. We didn’t have time for breakfast.”

  “That must’ve upset her.”

  “It did. Mom hated being late.”

  Paige waited patiently for him to continue when he was ready.

  “She walked me to school like she always did and we made it just in time. She was happy about that.”

  “What did your mother do while you wer
e at school?”

  “I don’t know. Laundry, cleaning and stuff, I guess.”

  He unearthed a flat stone, which he promptly flung out into the water. “She told me to come straight home after school because we had to go shopping for new shoes.” He wrinkled his nose. “I hate getting new shoes. They always hurt at first.”

  She smiled at him. “Yeah, they do. So you came right home. What happened then?”

  Zach looked away.

  Interesting body language. He was hiding something.

  “When I got home, she was lying on the couch. I thought she was asleep, but when I called she wouldn’t wake up. I...I went to shake her. She was really cold and wouldn’t open her eyes.” He dragged a grimy hand over his face, leaving a trail of dirt in its wake. “I got scared and called my grandma. She told me she would be right there and she called the ambulance.”

  Sympathy welled at the idea of a small boy alone and terrified. “Did you wait inside the house?”

  He hung his head, scraping his fingers along the cracks in the rock. “No. I went out on the front steps.”

  She lowered her voice, trying to be gentle. “Do you think you knew she was dead?”

  He shrugged and scraped harder, blood beginning to ooze from his fingers. “I knew something was wrong. I was too scared to stay inside.”

  “Who arrived first?”

  “They got there pretty much at the same time. My grandma stayed with me and the men went inside to help my mom. Only it was too late.” His voice cracked. He looked down at his bleeding fingers, then jumped up and started to descend the craggy rocks.

  Paige followed. She wasn’t going to let him get away at this crucial point. “Zach, you know this wasn’t your fault. Something went wrong inside your mom’s brain. There was nothing anybody could do to save her.”

  He kept walking without looking at her. When she caught up with him, she reached out a hand to stop him. Tears had streaked through the dirt on his cheeks.

  “I know it’s hard to talk about this,” she said. “But I need to make sure you’re not feeling guilty about something you shouldn’t.”

  When he looked up at her, anger glinted through his tears. “You can’t fix everything.”

  He jerked free from her grasp and took off running. Her first instinct was to go after him, but after two steps, she stopped. He needed time alone to process his emotions. Zach was feeling some measure of guilt over his mother’s death, and she’d have to work hard over the next week to make sure he dealt with it before camp ended.

  Because if he didn’t, the results could be disastrous.

  * * *

  Nathan pulled a five iron from his bag and hit the ball straight down the fairway onto the green.

  “Nice shot.” Dan whistled, then picked up his clubs.

  “More like lucky shot.” Nathan grinned.

  The two headed to the green.

  “You seem much more relaxed today,” Dan observed. “Quitting your job must agree with you.”

  Nathan chuckled. “Seems so. I must say it’s a relief to have made a decision. Now all I have to do is enjoy my time off until the bishop calls with a new placement.”

  Dan gave him a strange look. “That brings me to the topic I wanted to talk to you about.”

  Nathan set down his clubs on the edge of the green, not sure what to expect.

  “I received word yesterday that I’ve been approved to hire an assistant pastor at the church. With the size of the parish increasing so rapidly, I can’t do everything myself anymore. My family is seeing less and less of me. You know how stressful that can be.”

  “All too well. An assistant will be a big help.”

  Dan took out his putter and leaned on it. “The fact is, Nathan, you’re the man I’d like to see join our team. You have all the qualities I need in an assistant pastor, and I know you’d fit in well here.”

  Nathan blinked. “You’re offering me a job?”

  “That’s right. I haven’t got all the particulars yet as to salary and benefits, but I wanted to give you first crack at it. And time to think about whether you’d be interested in moving out this way.”

  “Wow. I’m flattered at the offer, Dan.”

  “I sense a but coming.”

  Nathan raked his hand through his hair. “Not necessarily. This has come out of the blue though. I’ll need some time to think it over. And talk to Zach.”

  “Of course. In the meantime, I’ll try to get more details about the position.”

  Nathan smiled and held out his hand. “Thanks for the vote of confidence. I appreciate it.”

  Dan shook his hand warmly. “I hope you take the job. I have a feeling we’d make an unbeatable team.”

  After finishing the game, Nathan took the long route back to Wyndermere, giving him time to think about Dan’s offer. As assistant pastor, Nathan wouldn’t be under as much pressure as he had been back at Saint Stephen’s. He could ease his way back to work. He already liked the people in the community, and since they weren’t tainted by the stain of Nathan’s past, he could start over with a clean slate.

  The area was a good one for raising kids. Zach would flourish here, Nathan was sure. They would be near George and Catherine for support. The one drawback would be taking Zach away from both sets of grandparents.

  The MacNeals. His stomach twisted as he imagined their reaction. They hadn’t been happy that Zach was going away to camp for the whole summer, never mind moving here permanently. Would his decision only antagonize Charlotte further? Make her even more determined to get custody?

  Nathan forced himself to breathe normally and not let himself be consumed by fear. He couldn’t base his and Zach’s future on his mother-in-law’s bullying tactics. Besides, if the MacNeals did take him to court, Nathan now felt equipped to handle the fight. His relationship with Zach was stronger than ever. Zach’s emotional state had improved considerably, and with Paige’s professional testimony, Nathan felt confident they could counteract any claim to the contrary. The last area of concern, Nathan’s unemployment, would also become a nonissue if Nathan accepted Dan’s job. Nathan doubted any judge would remove Zach from his custody under these new circumstances.

  The last band of tension loosened from Nathan’s chest. The more he considered the idea of working with Dan, the more excited he got. This job—this move—might be the very thing they needed to put the tragedy behind them, once and for all.

  His thoughts turned to Paige, and his excitement waned. Nathan still hadn’t given up hope of a future relationship, once they were both sure they were ready. At least in the city, he would’ve been close to the college she attended. Out here, he’d be hours away. He wouldn’t see her for months at a time. But could he base a decision this big on Paige’s education schedule? No, if God meant for them to be together, He would see that things worked out. In His perfect timing.

  Alone in his room, Nathan prayed and contemplated the offer. The more he considered it from every angle, the more convinced he became that God was leading him to take the position. However, he had one more hurdle to overcome.

  Zach had to want this, too. Nathan wouldn’t risk damaging the fragile relationship they’d forged by forcing him to do something he hated the thought of. Nathan prayed God would help him convince Zach when he got a chance to talk to him alone.

  It was almost supper time before Nathan managed to catch up with Zach, at the end of horseback riding lessons. Nathan stood at the fence by the pasture and watched Zach atop the large horse, so confident and relaxed, laughing with his friend Peter. It was amazing how far Zach had come. When the boys had dismounted, Zach spotted him and came racing over.

  “Did you see me, Dad? I was riding Horatio.” The boy’s face beamed excitement.

  “Doing a fine job, too.” Nathan smiled at Zach’s enthus
iasm. “If you’re done, do you think you could spare a few minutes for your dad?”

  As though sensing the serious nature of the talk, Zach sobered. “Sure, I guess. Just let me tell them.”

  A few seconds later, he returned. “It’s okay. Jerry and Peter will groom my horse for me.”

  “Great. Let’s go for a walk.”

  Zach frowned. “Is something wrong, Dad?”

  “No. In fact, I have some good news. At least I hope you’ll think so.” They turned off onto the path by the water. Somehow it was hard to get the words out. “I’ve been offered a job at the church, working with Reverend Dan.”

  “Oh.”

  Nathan waited for more of a reaction and when none came, he continued. “We could get a little house around here. I’ll find out where the nearest school is. And we’d be close to George and Catherine. You could even come over and visit the horses and the kittens.”

  That brought a gleam to Zach’s eyes. “I could?”

  “Sure. And maybe we could even get that dog you’ve always wanted.” Nathan cringed at openly bribing his son to love the idea.

  “Really? My own dog?”

  “Yeah. But you’d have to promise to walk him every day.”

  “I will. No problem.”

  They walked in silence for a while as Zach contemplated this new development. Nathan hoped his silence meant he accepted the idea.

  “What about Paige?” Zach asked out of the blue a few minutes later.

  “What about her?”

  “Will she still live here at Wyndermere?”

  Nathan couldn’t quite meet his gaze. “No, Zach. She’s going back to school in the fall.”

  “I won’t see her anymore after camp is over?”

  Nathan saw the distress on his son’s face and knew exactly how he felt. But he put on a brave front. “Maybe at Thanksgiving or Christmas when we go to the city for a visit.”

  “Oh.” The light slid out of his eyes.

  “You can email her. And phone her.”

  “It won’t be the same.”

  Nathan’s heart cracked a little for his son. Zach’s dependence on Paige was worse than Nathan had imagined. He’d have to speak to her about it and ask her to begin the disengaging process. “No, it won’t. It’ll take some time to adjust...no matter where we end up living.”