Healing the Widower's Heart

by Susan Anne Mason

  She closed her eyes and sent silent prayers out into the night.

  Lord, guide us to where he is. And please keep him safe until we find him.

  * * *

  Nathan screeched the car to a halt in the inn’s parking lot. George stood waiting for him, arms crossed and feet braced. From the harsh set of his friend’s features, Nathan knew they hadn’t found his son.

  “They think Zach’s out on the lake,” George told him without preamble. “Jerry and Paige have gone out after him.”

  Nathan wasn’t sure which fact caused him the greater alarm. Either way, he had to get out there, too. “You still have that dinghy with the outboard?”

  “Yeah. It’s down at my dock.”

  “Let’s go.”

  They sprinted down to the waterfront behind George and Catherine’s house. Nathan paced back and forth on the dock while George readied the boat. Nathan’s thoughts spun like his car tires over gravel. Why on earth would Zach take a canoe out on the lake in the dark by himself? Nothing made sense right now.

  The boat engine roared to life.

  “Grab the rope,” George yelled.

  Nathan untied the mooring and leaped into the boat as George guided it away from the pier.

  “We’ll head toward the middle of the lake.”

  Nathan nodded, focusing the high-powered flashlight ahead of them. For the hundredth time that night, he sent up desperate prayers to keep Zach, and now Paige, safe.

  Fighting the panic that clawed at his chest, Nathan swept the surface of the water with the beam while the boat sped into the night. If anything happened to Zach, he knew he would never recover.

  At last, a pinprick of light came into view, bobbing several hundred yards in the distance. He swung the flashlight toward it and made out a male figure in a canoe looking over the side into the water. The man looked up and began to wave his arms over his head. As they sped closer, Nathan recognized Jerry. An icy chill that had nothing to do with the evening air swept over him.

  Where was Paige?

  George cut the engine and the boat slid up beside Jerry’s craft.

  “She spotted Zach’s overturned canoe and jumped in before I could stop her.” The younger man’s frantic voice matched his facial expression. Water dripped from his hair and clothing. “I went in after her, but I couldn’t find them.”

  “How long ago?” Nathan ripped off his shoes and tossed his cell phone on the floor of the boat.

  Jerry shook his head. “A minute, maybe two? I’m not sure.”

  “Nate! Over there.” George aimed the beam of light at the water where a flurry of air bubbles broke the surface a few hundred feet away.

  Immediately Nathan dived into the abyss. After a few powerful strokes, a head broke through the surface of the water. Paige sputtered and coughed, fighting to drag a dark shape up beside her. Nathan moved faster, and as he reached them, grabbed the lifeless form from her.

  Zach! Fear lodged in his heart like a shard of glass, but he pushed it back. He couldn’t afford to waste time on emotion. Straining every muscle in his upper torso, Nathan towed Zach to the boat.

  “Take him,” he gasped at George. “I’m going back for Paige.”

  Without a word, George pulled Zach into the dinghy.

  Nathan forced the image of his son’s limp body from his mind, trusting George to handle it, and turned back. After only a few strokes, he saw Paige swimming toward him. He could tell by her flailing arms that she was struggling. He swam up to her and grabbed her around the waist. Her arms came around his neck and they bobbed on the surface until she’d caught her breath.

  “Hold on to my waist. I’ll tow you in.”

  She only nodded and moved her arms to his waist. He took one long breath, and using all his strength, began to swim back.

  Minutes later, when he finally reached the side of George’s boat, Nathan’s muscles felt weighted with lead. Strong arms reached down to pull Paige from him. Nathan choked on a mouthful of water and sputtered as he pulled himself up, thankful when George helped haul him onto the deck. Nathan caught a brief flash of two motionless figures on the floor and could only pray the people he loved most would be okay.

  Chapter Twenty

  “We’ve done all we can for your son, Mr. Porter. Now we’ll have to wait and see.” The doctor on call flipped the sheet back on his clipboard. “It’s amazing you found him in the dark water.”

  The man’s words provided little comfort to Nathan with Zach lying in the ICU hooked up to tubes and monitors. He dragged his gaze away from the still form of his son and shifted his attention to the gray-haired doctor at the foot of the bed. “What’s your best guess at a prognosis?”

  The doctor peered over his bifocals. “I wish I could tell you with any degree of certainty. But everything depends on how long Zach was submerged. I’m sorry I can’t be more positive.”

  Nathan’s throat constricted. This could not be happening. He was trapped in a nightmare and couldn’t wake up. “Can I sit with him now?”

  “Of course.”

  When the doctor left, Nathan dragged a chair over to the side of the bed, grateful at least for the dry clothes Catherine had brought him. Helpless, he stared down at Zach’s pale, unmoving form on the hospital bed. An impotent rage bubbled to the surface and lodged throbbing at the base of his skull. How could this be happening, just when he thought he was getting his life back on track?

  He blew out a weary breath and slumped back on the chair. Zach’s face was as colorless as the white pillowcase under his head. Nathan reached out to clasp his limp hand—so small and lifeless—in his. The light of an overhead lamp shone halo-like around his brown curls. An unnatural silence filled the room, broken only by the erratic beeps of the monitors.

  “Hey, Zach. It’s Dad. You’re going to be okay.” His gruff words echoed in the sterile space.

  When there was no reaction, Nathan stroked Zach’s hand. An overwhelming need to keep talking pressed him, hoping his voice, or something he said, would spark a response.

  “I don’t know why you ran away. But I’m not mad. We can work out whatever was bothering you. You just need to get better first.” He drew in a ragged breath. “I want you to be able to tell me everything you’re feeling, all your problems, no matter how big or small.”

  Zach’s eyelid twitched. Nathan’s heart stopped for a second, then thudded up again.

  Please, Lord. Please don’t take him from me now. He’s all I’ve got left.

  His hand fisted into the sheets, holding on for dear life, as though his very sanity depended on him being physically anchored here in this room. He wanted to shred the linens to ribbons, rip the wires from the machines and carry Zach home.

  Instead, Nathan laid his head on his son’s arm and wept.

  * * *

  Behind the curtained area of the exam room, Paige pulled on dry clothes, courtesy of Catherine. After checking the oxygen levels in her blood, the doctor had given her permission to leave, with a promise to take it easy for the next day or two. Her hands still shook, partly from the chill of the cold water, partly from the shock of all that had happened. She pulled a hooded sweatshirt over her still-damp hair, wishing she could stop reliving the horror of discovering the overturned canoe and no Zach. She hadn’t hesitated one second before jumping into the murky water to find him. Unlike Colin’s car accident, or her father’s heart attack, there was something she could do, an action she could take to protect this person whom she loved.

  And maybe that was why during those moments of blinding panic, one thing had become crystal clear to her.

  Life was infinitely fragile. No one was guaranteed a tomorrow. Not Colin, not her father, not even a seven-year-old boy.

  And no matter how hard she’d tried to harden her heart—to keep love out of
her life—she couldn’t stop herself from loving.

  A surge of guilt rose in her chest. The painful reality was that she had been holding herself back when dealing with Zach. She hadn’t given him her best. Zach, and all her future patients, needed better from her.

  “Your family, your friends and your future patients deserve all of you.” Matt’s words echoed in her head. Her brother was right. Emotional detachment would not work. As a therapist, she had to care deeply about the people she served. Just as Nathan had to care about the parishioners entrusted to his ministry.

  Her heart swelled again as she recalled Nathan coming to her aid in the water. Just when she’d thought she couldn’t swim another stroke, he’d shown up and helped her back to the boat. He’d left Zach to come back for her. How did she ever deserve such unselfishness, such devotion?

  Paige pushed back the curtain and stepped out into the open, the truth blinding her as glaringly as the bright ER lights. Whether or not she wanted to, whether or not she’d intended to, she’d fallen in love with Zach and Nathan. What she planned to do about it, she didn’t know. She could either run from that truth, or reach out and accept the love that had come unexpectedly into her life. It was a choice she’d have to make very soon, but right now, she needed to make sure Zach would be okay.

  Paige’s head swam as she made her way down the corridor to the elevators and up to the ICU area where she’d been told Zach was being treated. She stopped for a moment outside his room to regain her equilibrium, and then peered through a small window in the door. The breath whooshed out of her lungs. A myriad of tubes and wires snaked out of Zach’s pale, lifeless body. Nathan was bent over the bed like a broken man, his shoulders heaving with silent sobs.

  Paige’s hand flew to her mouth, tears blurring her vision. This was all her fault. If she hadn’t argued with Nathan, if she’d done her job properly and finished Zach’s counseling, maybe he wouldn’t have felt it necessary to run away. She took a deep breath and blinked back useless tears. No matter how Nathan felt about her, he needed her. She now had the chance to offer him the same comfort and support he’d given her on more than one occasion.

  She opened the door and slipped inside. Without a word, she pulled up a stool beside Nathan’s chair and sat beside him. Still bent over Zach, he didn’t seem to register her presence. At last, he lifted his head and looked at her, seeming puzzled to see her there.

  “Paige, are you all right?” He belatedly swiped at his red-rimmed eyes.

  “I’m fine. How’s Zach doing?”

  His features crumpled, lines creasing his brow. “We won’t know until he wakes up.” A muscle worked in his neck as if he were swallowing his despair.

  Paige held out her hand, and without hesitation, he grasped it—like a drowning man clinging to a lifeline.

  “If it’s okay, I’ll wait with you.”

  “I’d like that.” His voice sounded gravelly and hoarse. He rubbed a thumb over the back of her hand. “You saved Zach’s life. You could have died yourself.”

  The intensity of emotion in his gaze disconcerted her. “But I didn’t. You didn’t let me.” She squeezed his hand. “I’m so sorry, Nathan. For everything.”

  He watched her with a sad, slightly puzzled expression. Finally, he nodded. “I’m just glad you’re here now.”

  They sat for what felt like hours until at last Nathan pushed his chair back from the bed. “I have to move or I’ll go crazy.”

  “Why don’t you go find a nurse or doctor to check on Zach. I’ll wait here in case he wakes up.”

  He threw her a grateful glance. “Thanks. I’ll be back soon.”

  The moment he left, Paige sank back onto the seat beside the bed, more tired than she realized. She picked up Zach’s hand, content to watch the steady rise and fall of his little chest. She murmured heartfelt prayers of thanks to God, and tears of gratitude returned as the full realization of just how close they’d both come to death hit her.

  She would never have forgiven herself if Zach had died, all because of her argument with Nathan. Wearily she laid her head on the bed beside Zach. Lord, what am I supposed to be learning from all this? What do You want me to do?

  The memory of a Bible verse filled her head and her heart, giving her her answer. “Love one another as I have loved you.”

  The simplicity of God’s message drifted into her heart. That was all Jesus had asked of mankind, to put aside their differences, their fear and hatred, and love one another. How could she not follow God’s mandate?

  “Though I have all faith so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.”

  One of her mother’s favorite verses from Corinthians came to mind as clearly as if her mother had been reading it to her. More tears brimmed as she studied the beautiful boy in front of her. She needed to trust God’s guidance and let go of her fear. Help me to do that, Lord.

  At that moment, Zach began to fidget. His eyes fluttered open.

  Paige swiped a hand over her damp cheeks. “Hi, Zach. How are you feeling?”

  He blinked twice, then managed a weak smile. “Paige?”

  “Yeah, it’s me.”

  He rubbed his eyes. “Where’s Dad?”

  “He went to find the doctor, but he’ll be back soon. How do you feel?”

  He put a hand on his chest. “It hurts here. And I’m thirsty.”

  She got up to pour him a glass of water, and held the straw to his lips. When he finished, she placed the cup on the side table and sat back down beside him.

  “Paige, are you mad at me?” Troubled eyes held her gaze.

  “No, honey. I’m not mad.”

  “Even though I took Jerry’s canoe?”

  The sadness on his face tore at her heart. She shook her head. “I’m only sad you felt you had to run away—that you didn’t trust me or your dad enough to tell us what was bothering you.”

  Zach’s chin quivered, but he didn’t say a word. She picked up his hand and held it tight.

  “Did you hear your dad and me arguing in the barn?” she asked softly.

  He nodded.

  “Did you run away because of that?”

  He looked down at the sheets. “I thought if I was gone, you’d say yes to my dad. And then he’d be happy again.”

  Her heart spasmed at his words. “Why would you think that?”

  “Because I do bad things, and God punishes me. Everyone I love leaves.”

  Oh, Zach. She had to cover her mouth to keep from sobbing out loud. “What bad things did you do?”

  Zach fidgeted with the bedsheet. He turned away to look at the wall.

  “You can tell me, Zach.” She squeezed his hand.

  She waited. Tears gathered on Zach’s long eyelashes and slowly dropped onto his cheek.

  “I didn’t go straight home.”

  Paige frowned. “When?”

  He ignored her question as his words poured out. “I didn’t want to get new shoes. So I went to my friend Brian’s after school.”

  Realization began to dawn on Paige.

  “It’s my fault she died.” He began to sob in earnest now. “I should’ve come home like Mom asked. Then maybe she wouldn’t be dead.”

  The magnitude of the guilt he’d been hiding hit her hard. “Oh, honey, no. That’s not true.” She pulled him tight against her, fighting to control her own emotion. “It’s not your fault.”

  His thin shoulders shook, heaving up and down as he gulped in air, tears soaking her sweatshirt. Paige stroked his head and murmured soothing words until he quieted. She handed him a tissue to wipe his face, then cupped his chin.

  “This is very important,” she said, looking him in the eye. “It wouldn’t have mattered if you came home any earlier. Do you understand?”

  Zach sniffed and shr
ugged his shoulders.

  “Paige is right.”

  She looked up to see a very solemn Nathan standing in the doorway. Dark circles under his eyes stood out against the paleness of his face.

  “For a long time I blamed myself for your mother dying because we had a fight. But I’ve talked to a few doctors and they all say the same thing. It didn’t happen because she was upset or angry. It just happened. No matter what we did that day, it still would have happened, and there’s nothing we could have done to stop it.”

  Relief spilled through Paige. It appeared Nathan had finally let go of his own guilt over Cynthia’s death. Now if only Zach could do the same.

  Nathan moved to the other side of the bed. “Is that why you ran away? Because you felt guilty?”

  Zach looked away, misery etched in his eyes.

  Paige knew Nathan had to hear the truth. “Zach thought if he went away, I would stay with you.”

  Nathan frowned. “I don’t understand. Why did you think that?”

  Zach shrugged again but looked up at his father. “I thought Paige knew how bad I was. That’s why she wouldn’t say yes. I thought if I went away...”

  “Oh, Zach. You couldn’t be more wrong.” Moisture glistened in Nathan’s eyes. “You are the most important person in the world to me. And as much as I care about Paige, I would never choose her over you.”

  Nathan pulled Zach into his arms, wires and all. The boy clung to his father like a burr, his wiry arms wrapped tight around Nathan’s neck. Tears rolled down Nathan’s face.

  Feeling like an intruder on this intimate scene, Paige ducked out of the room to give them some privacy. Nathan needed this crucial time alone with Zach, and she needed some time to sort through her thoughts and feelings.