Her Fear

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  “That might make you feel better, but you are still involved, Monroe,” his grandfather said, now whispering. “You better start watching what you’re doing.”

  “You’re one to talk. You’re the one who’s making all the mistakes.”

  “Halt!” Willis barked.

  “Daed, you know I’m right,” Monroe said softly.

  From her pallet on the floor, Sadie closed her eyes and tried to ignore the angry voices drifting through the walls from the yard, but it was a hopeless task. The men were whispering and screaming at each other, mostly loudly enough for her to hear every word.

  “I think Monroe might have a point,” Stephen said to Willis, his voice an oasis of calm now. “I think the sheriff is worried about something more than just us making liquor. Something must have happened.”

  “We have too many orders to fill to stop,” Willis retorted. “If we stop, we lose everything.”

  “If we don’t, we may lose it just the same,” Stephen said.

  “Oh, boy,” Esther murmured in the darkness. “My grandfather hates it when my daed talks down to him like that.” After a second, she looked at Sadie. “I guess you’re pretty shocked about what you’re hearing, huh?”

  That her relatives were brewing moonshine and distributing it? Sadie couldn’t lie. “I am.”

  As Willis began some long story about his ancestors, his voice faded into mere staccato beats punctuating the air.

  After a few seconds passed, Esther spoke again. “Do you hate us now? I know what they do is bad.”

  Esther sounded shaken up. Peering over at her, Sadie’s eyes adjusted to the darkness. Faint bands of moonlight shone through the window. The bands cast the room into various shades of gray—and enabled Sadie to catch a good look at her cousin. Esther was sitting upright on her pallet, clenching her sheets against her chest as if she was attempting to shield herself from what she might hear.

  “I don’t hate you.”

  “Just my brother, father, and grandfather?”

  “Nee. Not even them,” she replied, meaning every word. “You all took me in when I had no one. I could never hate any of you.”

  “I hope you still mean that in the morning. I really like you, Sadie. I would hate it if you started ignoring me.”

  “I wouldn’t do that. I won’t do that.”

  As the men started yelling again, Sadie noticed Esther looked even more alone. “Has this happened before? I mean, these late-night arguments?” Sadie knew some families were loud by nature. Maybe this was the case, and she just hadn’t experienced it here until now.

  “It has,” Esther replied, “but not for a while.” With a sigh, she continued. “I guess it’s to be expected, what with three generations of men all living under one roof. They are bound to have disagreements.”

  Thinking back to the sprawling farmhouse where she grew up in Millersburg, Sadie nodded. When she was a little girl, she used to imagine that the whole world lived somewhere in that big house. It had been added on to so many times that it resembled a rabbit warren, zigging and zagging along the property, narrow hallways connecting multiple living areas. At one time, they’d had four generations living together.

  And, yes, there had been disagreements from time to time. But it had been about chores or money or how a child was behaving. They’d taken place in the kitchen or in front of many people. Never in the dark in the middle of the night.

  And never—not even when they’d kicked her out—had anyone yelled like the way the men were.

  All at once the emotions she’d tried so hard to forget and stifle flooded back. For a single, fanciful moment, Sadie allowed herself to imagine what it would have felt like to stand up for herself and yell at her parents and grandfather.

  To tell them that although she had made a mistake, she wasn’t a liar and that the unwanted baby she was carrying was a member of the family, too. To lift her chin, look at them all in the eye, and tell them that they should be ashamed of themselves for casting her aside like something used and tainted.

  But she hadn’t.

  She and Esther were silent for a while. Sadie closed her eyes and tried to block out the noise. More minutes passed. She curved her arms around her stomach, maybe unconsciously trying to muffle the sound of the angry words so her baby wouldn’t hear.

  Then they heard a fist slam against a wall.

  Beside her, Esther cringed. “This is a really bad fight. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard them get so out of control.”

  All Sadie knew to do was try to calm her cousin. “This is the first time they’ve argued since your grandmother went to heaven. Ain’t so?”

  Esther nodded. “Jah.”

  “Maybe that is part of what they are feeling. They’re uncomfortable because she’s not here to calm everyone down.”

  Esther grunted. “Um, I don’t know about that. No one would have ever called her presence in the haus especially comforting.”

  Sadie kept her silence but privately agreed with that. Verba had been efficient and collected, not warm or comforting. Thinking back to her first few days in the house, Verba had found her a cot and bedding to sleep on but had never gone out of her way to hug her, ask about how she was doing, or make her feel welcome.

  Sadie hadn’t minded too much, though. After all, being given a place to sleep was better than being told to leave.

  Esther sighed again. “Mommi wasn’t real nice, but she wouldn’t have allowed the men to come to blows. Right now I would give a lot for her to be here.”

  “What would she be doing to help this situation?”

  “She would have marched outside and snapped at all of them for waking her up. Oh, but she would have yelled at them good. Even Dawdi would have told her he was sorry.”

  Sadie couldn’t help but smile at the image. At the moment, all three of the men outside were yelling really hateful things at each other. “You really think they would have listened to her?” she whispered when at last the voices fell silent again.

  “Oh, to be sure. They knew better than not to listen. She would have made them pay.”

  “Goodness. She really was tough, wasn’t she?” said Sadie.

  “Oh, jah. She wasn’t that nice to any of us, and the worst to my daed.”

  “That’s awful.”

  “Jah. I think the men are secretly happy she’s gone.”

  “Even Monroe?” asked Sadie. “Monroe is so kind. Out of all of them, he seems to be the most easygoing and warm member of the family.”

  “Oh, jah. Of course even Monroe. He’s nice, but he doesn’t like it when people don’t act the way they should. He’s tougher than he looks, Sadie.”

  Esther’s words sounded ominous. Feeling a chill run down her spine, Sadie said, “Though she wasn’t very nice, right now I’m kind of wishing she was here so they would listen. At least they respected her enough to do that!”

  “They didn’t mind her because they respected her, Sadie.”

  “Why did they, then?” she asked hesitantly, half afraid to hear the answer.

  “It was because they were afraid of her.” The air between them went still, almost as if the Lord needed Sadie to hear Esther’s words—and take them to heart. “Fear can make a person do most anything, you know.”

  Was that true? Sadie wasn’t sure. She didn’t want it to be.

  “Esther, I don’t know if that’s right. I mean—”

  “Hush!” Esther hissed under her breath. “I just heard the door open,” she whispered, her voice panicked. “Whatever you do, pretend you are asleep. You don’t want the men to know you overheard them.”

  Sadie immediately closed her eyes and pulled the sheet and quilt up around her shoulders.

  And tried to remain motionless when a pair of footsteps walked into the kitchen and paused for a full minute before stepping away again.

  Heart pounding, she closed her eyes tight, curved her arms more firmly around herself.

  And tried very, very hard to think about what
she could do to calm her fearful heart.

  Only later, when the rest of the house fell silent and Esther was sleeping soundly next to her, did Sadie realize that during her discussion with Esther, she’d forgotten a very important question.

  She’d neglected to ask what it was about Verba Stauffer that had made the men in the house so afraid.

  Chapter 15

  Wednesday, July 18

  The letter came as a surprise. If she was honest with herself, though, Sadie knew she should have expected to hear something from her mother. Mamm had a kind heart; and even though she would never go against her husband’s wishes, she wouldn’t have agreed to never communicate with Sadie again.

  But that didn’t mean that her mother’s letter was going to be pleasant to read.

  “What do you think she wrote?” Monroe asked.

  “I couldn’t begin to imagine.” Sadie smiled hesitantly at her cousin.

  Monroe had brought in the letter only a few minutes before. He’d done it without fanfare, too. After calling out her name, he set it next to her latest sewing project before reaching in a cabinet to get a glass for water. Now he was sitting next to her, sipping his water and not even making fun of her for staring at the envelope like it could blow up at any second.

  His presence gave her the peace of mind to divulge a little more. “I was close to her. I’m thinking she might be missing me as much as I miss her.”

  “Ah.”

  She couldn’t resist smiling at him. “I know what you’re thinking. She didn’t treat me too good, did she?”

  “Kicking you out with little more than a hope that some long-lost relatives would take you in? No, she didn’t treat you good at all, Sadie. It was shameful.”

  Shameful. She wasn’t sure if their actions were shameful or not. She did know that Monroe’s support felt good. “Danke for saying that.”

  “It’s the truth.” He nudged the envelope a little closer. “Go ahead and open it, Sadie. You’ll never know what she’s written if you don’t go ahead and read the letter. If she is making amends, you’ll feel better.”

  “And if she isn’t?” Because that, she realized, was what she was really concerned about. What was she going to do if the letter was another blow to her fragile frame of mind? She would be crushed.

  “That’s easy. All you have to do is throw it away.”

  Even the thought of doing something like that made her feel like looking over her shoulder in case she was in trouble. “Do ya think that is allowed?”

  He grinned. “Who do you think is gonna get mad? None of us here is going to say a word. And if your mother was so worried about you, she wouldn’t have sent you away.”

  “I guess you are right.”

  “I know I am.”

  Monroe’s words were a bit brash, but she knew he was right. In spite of their faults, Monroe and his family didn’t ever try to force her to bend to their will. Actually, they usually treated her with a kind of absent-minded regard.

  And though they argued and fought, and there was a layer of suspicion surrounding them, life with them was almost easy. She no longer worried about getting yelled at for imagined infractions or caned because she’d sinned. She wondered if she could ever allow herself to be treated so unjustly ever again. She kind of doubted it.

  Monroe eyed the letter like it contained a hundred secrets. “Do you want me to stay nearby or leave you in peace? I’ll do whatever you want.”

  She’d thought she wanted his support, but now was worried that he was about to see her falling apart, and she didn’t want a witness for that.

  “I think I should read this by myself.”

  Monroe’s eyes lit with approval. “All right. Why don’t you go to my room? No one is in there, and my daed is going to come in soon.”

  Having a whole room to herself would be such a gift right at this moment. “Danke, Monroe.”

  “No reason to thank me,” he said, looking chagrined. “I don’t know what the right thing for a woman in your situation is, but I do know it ain’t being sent here to live with us.”

  If Sadie hadn’t been so disturbed by the letter, she probably would have questioned him about that. Instead, she knew it was time to seize the opportunity to be alone and enjoy some privacy. There was no telling when the opportunity would come along again.

  Though she’d been in his room many times, the sight of it still caught her off guard. Growing up, her brothers’ rooms looked like empty shells. Practically all that was in their rooms were single twin beds, desks, wooden chairs, and small dressers. Hooks and knobs on the walls had been the only ornamentation. She supposed the order and simplicity were meant to encourage her brothers to live simple, Plain lives.

  She’d often thought that it made them yearn for so much more, however. It was so hard to accept very little when temptation always loomed in the distance.

  Monroe’s room, on the other hand, had a double bed that was unmade, a bedside table with two flashlights on it, a pile of books on the floor, a dresser, and a desk piled high with papers, notebooks, and drawing paper. Maybe he, too, understood something about dreams and keeping secrets.

  Gingerly, she sat on the chair at Monroe’s desk. All right, then, she thought . . . and tore open the envelope, pulling out one rather small piece of stationery.

  To her surprise, two twenty-dollar bills floated out. Sadie stared at the money settling on the floor before carefully unfolding the note. It was written in flowing cursive. Her mother truly did have beautiful handwriting.

  Then, just because the temptation was so great and there was no one around her to see, she held the paper up to her face. It smelled like magnolias. Her mother carefully nurtured her magnolia tree and pressed several of the blooms each season. She’d soak them in oil, and would use a touch of it every time she washed and rinsed her hair. All of them had grown up being comforted by this faint scent that always lingered around her.

  And sure enough, that same scent clung to the paper as well.

  Finally, knowing that she couldn’t put it off any longer, Sadie read—

  Dear Sadie,

  I’ve wanted to write to you from the moment you left but I didn’t know what to say. I was upset with you and upset with myself for not raising you well enough to behave like a good Christian girl should.

  With a gasp, Sadie threw down the letter and jumped to her feet. That was why her mother had been so upset? That Sadie had rushed things with the man she thought she was going to marry?

  Fuming, she began to pace. In her head, she thought of all the retorts she could have made if her mother was standing in the same room. She might have described how scared she’d been on that bus. How hungry she’d been with no food and next to no money to pay for any.

  How scary some of the men at the bus station had looked when they’d stopped for breaks. How afraid she’d been to talk to anyone who’d tried to talk to her.

  And finally, she’d tell both her mother and father about how awful it had been to wait three hours at the bus station because she’d had to depend on the deputy who stopped by to drive her to the Stauffers’ home.

  It all hadn’t just been difficult, it had been almost unbearable. And so very frightening. Every time she thought of treating her unborn baby that way, Sadie wanted to cry out.

  She couldn’t imagine treating him or her so callously.

  Sadie had just turned the corner, about to continue her pacing when she drew to an abrupt stop.

  She was different than she used to be.

  Never when she lived at home would she even have considered looking her parents in the eyes when they were angry with her. It certainly wouldn’t have crossed her mind to yell at them! But here she was, planning a lecture.

  She had changed, and it was for the better.

  Feeling more at ease, she picked up the letter, smoothed it out, and continued to read.

  We received some news on Sunday that made your father and I wonder if we had been too hasty in sending you
away. Sadie, it seems that Harlan did lie to us and to his parents. Another woman has come forth and told a tale of him promising things that he never intended to do. When your father and his father spoke to him about it, Harlan admitted that he had done that very same thing to you.

  “That snake,” Sadie said out loud. “What a slimy, terrible man to treat women so terribly.”

  There was only one paragraph left. Sadie focused back on the writing, a half-smile on her face. Surely, now her mother was going to apologize profusely and ask for her forgiveness.

  After much thought and prayer, we have decided to provide you with some money for a bus ticket home. That is what the enclosed money is for. Purchase a ticket and come back as soon as possible. Don’t forget to bring us the change. After you return, we’ll get you married to Harlan immediately.

  I’m sure the Lord will one day forgive your transgressions, especially if He sees that you are now doing your best to behave in a modest and becoming way.

  I hope and pray your journey home will be uneventful. Conduct yourself in a way that will do both your family and your future husband proud.

  Mamm

  Sadie’s hands were shaking as each word registered. She was supposed to take the money, pack up herself, and sit back on a bus for hours and hours. All so she could return to parents who punished and shunned her—and eventually marry a man who used her. Who had not only lied to her but told lies about her, too.

  And, to make matters worse, they wanted her to marry Harlan so it would save their reputation. They didn’t even care what kind of man she would be tied to for the rest of her life!

  It seemed they had no shame where she was concerned.

  With care, she folded her mother’s letter and placed it back in the envelope. Picked up the money—and neatly placed the bills in the pocket of her blue apron.

  Then took a deep breath and opened Monroe’s bedroom door.

  Esther was sitting at the table, a sandwich on the plate in front of her. “Hiya, Sadie!” she said with a smile. “I didn’t know you were home. What were you doing in Monroe’s room?”