I Love You to Death

by Natalie Ward

  Yeah, I really do.

  "I mean I was pissed they’d never listen to me, just listen to what I wanted. But when he did that, when he thought hitting me would prove how much he supposedly loved me or that he knew what was best for me, well, that’s when I knew he’d already given up on me. That’s when I knew changing things, walking away from him, was the only way."

  I’m looking at him as he tells me this. He doesn’t seem sad at all and I don’t understand why. "Have you tried talking to him again? I mean don’t you want to have a family?"

  He smiles at me now, properly this time. "I do have a family Ash. I have the guys in the band, I have Mia, and I have you," he says seriously, his blue eyes holding mine. "I won’t lie, it took me a while. For a really long time, I was so angry with him and everything he’d done. But in the end what I realised about everything I did and everything he’d done, was that I was finally making the choices I’d always wanted to make. Now, I was standing up and fighting for the things I’d always wanted to have and do, but had been too afraid to try. Finally I was living exactly how I’d always wanted to and realising this, well it let me change, let me become the person I wanted to be. Finally I became me."

  He pulls me closer as he continues, "And the same goes for you Ash."

  I feel my broken heart stutter as his lips brush against my cheek.

  "I’ve wanted to be with you since the first minute I saw you. The very second you walked back into that shop and I felt my heart stop when I looked at you. I knew right then, I would do absolutely anything for you. Nothing about that has changed for me," he says, his words soft and so very sincere.

  I’m silent, watching him speak, unable to tear my eyes away from him now. My heart is pounding in response to the words he’s just said, at the possibility of what he might really be saying.

  He stops, takes a deep breath and continues, "And what I’m trying to say Ash, what I learnt and what I know deep down, you understand better than anyone, is that life is too short to live without the things you want, to not fight for the things you love."

  Now my heart stops.

  I don’t know what to say or if I can even speak right now. I feel overwhelmed at everything he’s just told me. At trying to picture him growing up in a family like that; at seeing a man I’ve never met, hit Luke because he’s so ashamed of him; at Luke walking away from it all and making the decision to change. But most of all, at the idea that Luke still wants to be with me, despite everything he now knows about me. I feel my heart stop at the surreal possibility of it all, at the idea that Luke isn’t afraid of me or what I might do to him. That he could possibly want to do this.

  With me.

  "Why?" Is the only thing I can think to ask.

  "Why what?"

  "Why me Luke?"

  He lets out a soft sigh, burying his face in my neck. I feel his lips against my skin as he says, "I can’t explain it Ash. I look at you and I just can’t look away. I look at you and even though I see all of the sadness and pain you carry, what I really see is a beautiful soul buried beneath it all. A beautiful soul, who desperately wants to be happy. Who I want to make happy, more than anything else in the world." I feel his soft kiss on my neck and hear him whisper, "I see what I once saw every time I looked in the mirror Asha. Someone who feels trapped, lonely, alone and….I, I can’t explain it, I just want to fix that for you."

  My body shivers in response to the slow breath he takes against my skin before he continues, "I just want to take all of that away for you Ash, make it all disappear. I thought it was working, it seemed to be before today happened. I thought you were happy, I thought I was making you happy, that you were happy Asha."

  Luke pulls back and smiles sadly at me again and I understand what he’s saying. It was working, but then today happened and everything changed. I thought it was over, I thought the worst had happened to him and I was lost again. Then when he survived, I thought for sure he would walk away, that we would be over, we had to be. But now he’s saying this to me and he wants to stay and he wants me to be happy again and he wants me and I just don’t know what to think.

  He’s right about one thing though, I was happy, really happy and I really want to tell him why, but he keeps talking.

  "I just want to make you smile again Ash and more than anything, I really just want to be with you." He stops and takes another deep breath before he continues, "Asha, I can’t not be with you, I really can’t. Haven’t you ever felt like that? That you needed someone, wanted them more than anything?"

  I hear the pleading in his voice still and feel my heart catch in my throat at the things he’s saying to me. I can barely breathe now. Yes of course I know what he means. It’s exactly how I feel about him. He buries his face in my neck again, pressing light kisses on the skin below my ear. He’s working very hard to convince me and I’m liking it.

  "The fact that on top of all that, you are just so damn beautiful, is really the icing on the cake Ash," he whispers, gently grazing my skin with his teeth.

  Now my head is spinning. Now, I’m really liking it.

  I’m so confused though and I don’t know what to do. I want to protect him, but I want so badly to be with him. I’ve never met anyone like him, never met anyone who lives as they want to, unafraid and so sure of what they want, so willing to fight for it. Luke says he wants me. I know he sees exactly who I am, what I’ve done, the real me. But most of all, I know I really want him.

  But still I can’t.

  I pull back and put my hand on his cheek and he leans into it. "But I’m so afraid you will die because of me," I say quietly.

  He closes his eyes, his beautiful face showing only fierce determination. He opens them, pulling back to look at me. "Asha, when you ran away from me tonight, that felt like dying to me."

  I can’t take my eyes off him. I look right at him and I see the sadness and the hope and the want in his eyes and I want to unburden myself.

  "I do want to be happy Luke, and you are right, I was happy, so very happy. And it was you, it was you who made me that way," I eventually say, watching his face as he listens to me. "But I don’t know how to do that again, how to make all of this, okay. How do I do that without hurting you? What am I supposed to do Luke, what do you want me to do?" I beg, choking the words out and wishing he had the answers.

  He looks at me like his heart is breaking. His hands are holding my face, forcing me to look at him now as he says, "Ash, I want you to believe me. I want you to be happy and do all of the things that you want to do. But most of all, I just want you to let me love you."

  And before I can say anything more, he kisses me and I give in. My broken heart starts beating again and that scared part of me disappears. I cannot stop this now, because I no longer want to.

  I want to believe him. I want to be happy again. I want Luke and I want him to love me. I want to be able to love him. I want to be given that choice.

  At the stroke of midnight when a new day dawns, but chaos and death are strongest

  ∞

  Playlist:

  1. 100 suns – 30 Seconds to Mars

  2. Tongue tied – Grouplove

  3. It ends tonight – The All-American Rejects

  ∞

  I’ve always been a night person, long before the nightmares started. I like the darkness, the silence of night. I like being awake when the rest of the world is sleeping. It’s a time when you can remain hidden from everyone, when no one can see you or hear you or know you. But it can also be a time to show yourself, reveal all of your inner fears, your inner desires because you know that come dawn, a new day will begin and the night and all that it holds will disappear.

  But the darkness, the night, it can be dangerous. As much as I love it, it would sometimes scare me. It brings out the worst in people and it’s where the monsters lurk.

  ∞

  I remember when Sam suggested we get our own place. It had been twelve months since I’d gone to Boston and we were still living
in the apartment he shared with Simon and Brandon, which now felt very crowded. Things were starting to get heated between the guys too. I’d overheard things and I know Sam had said stuff to them. I didn’t know what to do, but I was beginning to think maybe I might have to move back home, that somehow I was going to have to find a different way to make this work before I destroyed it.

  When I said to Sam, "Maybe I should just go back to Providence and commute?"

  He simply replied, "Or maybe we should just get our own place?"

  His suggestion made me smile, made me so happy because it made me realise he wanted to be with me and this thing between us was important to him, like it was to me.

  I said yes right away and then we started looking.

  It was tough at first, because everything was just so damn expensive and Sam was only working part-time because he was still studying. I hardly had extensive qualifications, so the waitressing I was doing did not rake in the big bucks. Still we were both incredibly happy and I remember thinking again, that out of Nate’s death, I was so lucky to have been given Sam. I thanked Nate every day for telling Sam to look for me, to come and find me.

  We eventually found the tiny apartment I still live in now and after that, everything was great. We finally had our own space where we could come home to only each other, every night. Finally it was just the two of us and as I savoured it, I tried desperately not to think about what I’d been doing to the people closest to me all my life.

  A couple of weeks after we moved in though, I decided I had to tell Sam about me. I think it was guilt that drove me to do it. Here I was, now living with a man who I was madly in love with, but who I was petrified of doing something terrible to. I wasn’t sure how it had all gotten this far, and I knew sooner or later I was going to have to get this out. Tell him the truth about me. Fortified by a few drinks, I broke the news to him.

  It went something like this.

  "Sam, I need to talk to you and I need you to take me seriously."

  He looked up at me as he attempted to make us dinner. Sam was never really much of a cook, a bit like me. "Are you breaking up with me already?" he asked, a joking smile on his face.

  "I’m serious Sam I need you to listen to this."

  His smile disappeared.

  "You being with me, it’s very dangerous. I don’t know what I’m doing here living with you, because there’s a very good chance it will end badly, that something very bad will happen to you."

  "What?" he joked. "Are you like an axe murderer or something?"

  "No Sam I’m not," I said, my frustration starting to show. "But everyone who gets close to me, everyone that I love, dies. It’s been happening all my life and I you really need to know about it."

  He didn’t say anything, just stood there stirring something in the saucepan. I went on.

  "I understand if you’re pissed at me, especially now. I should’ve told you before. But if you want me to move out, I will."

  He stopped then, stopped stirring and walked over to me. "Ash, don’t say stupid things like that."

  "You need to know this about me Sam and I really should’ve told you earlier, before we got this far," I repeated.

  He grabbed hold of my hands and said to me, "Do you want to tell me what this is really about babe?"

  So I did. I told him about killing my mother just by being born. I told him about grandad, Grace, about Adam, and I told him about Nate. Nate and the reason we ever got together in the first place.

  Sam smiled when I mentioned him. "But Nate is the one who told me to come check you out. I would’ve come down sooner or later anyway and met you," he said, trying I know, to make me feel better.

  "Yeah but you didn’t," I said softly. "You never met me until you had to. At Nate’s funeral, after I killed him."

  "Ah Ash," he said, pulling me into a hug. "I think all of this is just a bunch of bad luck and you being in the wrong place at the wrong time. You aren’t killing people babe, that’s crazy."

  My head was resting on his shoulder, facing away from him when I said, "I know I am Sam, and I’m afraid I’ll eventually lose you too."

  He pushed me back then, put his hands on my shoulders, looked me right in the eye and said those fateful words to me, "But babe, I’m still here."

  And that was it. That’s how I told Sam. I felt relieved to have confessed. Relieved Sam had listened to me and not walked away. But I was still scared, scared at the possibility of it happening again.

  Shortly afterwards I looked up and smoke was billowing from the stove and filling the kitchen. Then the fire alarm started going off on account of dinner now actually being on fire. I turned to look at Sam, but he just laughed and said, "Now that was definitely my fault Ash."

  I still wasn’t sure I believed him.

  ∞

  Eventually Luke whispers to me to go to sleep, that he’ll be here when I wake up. He will stay here and sleep with me. But I don’t want to be here. I can’t be here in this place with him. We can’t fall asleep here, not together, not like this. I shake my head, "I don’t want to stay here Luke. We can’t stay here."

  He takes my face in his hands, smiles at me because he understands now and says, "Then come and stay with me."

  I look up at him. He is so amazing and despite my fear, I still want him so badly. "For how long?" I ask quietly.

  He just smiles, kisses me again and whispers, "Forever."

  And right then, deep inside my chest, my broken heart flips at that one word. Inside, all of those tiny shattered pieces start to fit back together at the possibility of a forever with him. I desperately want to believe it’s possible. I want to believe I can have this.

  We pack some of my things. So many of my clothes are still at Luke’s place, I’ve spent so much time there, a part of me wonders how I ever thought I could walk away, could ever let him go. I know I was afraid, that deep down a part of me always believed this had to be too good to be true.

  Before we leave, I go into the kitchen and take down the guitar picks he left there so many months ago. He smiles at me as I put them in my bag and together we walk out. I let him lock the door, carry my bag and take me out of there.

  And just like that, I leave my old life behind and walk into a new one with him.

  He takes me home. It’s warm in his apartment. He takes me to his room, pulls me into bed and holds me until I fall asleep. All I can smell is Luke. I feel safe here, lying on his chest, listening to his heart beat, listening to him.

  When I wake up only hours later he’s still here, holding me in his arms. I move so our faces are only inches apart on the pillow. I feel exhausted. He looks the same and I wonder if he has slept at all. It’s only just dawn.

  "Are you okay Luke?" I ask him quietly, running my hand over his hair, across his cheek. "Is your arm hurting?"

  "I’m alright Ash," he says, pulling me tighter against him.

  "I’m sorry about your family, about your Dad doing that to you."

  He presses a kiss to my forehead. "It’s okay beautiful, it was a long time ago. I’m okay with it all now."

  "What about Mia?" I ask. "Does she speak to them?"

  Luke lets out a big sigh. "No she stopped speaking to him after she learnt what he did. I think she still speaks to Mom though, every now and then anyway, but it’s strained, I know that."

  I take a deep breath. "That day you threw the phone, were you talking to him?"

  Luke closes his eyes. "Yeah," he whispers. "I was. I was trying to protect Mia."

  "Is she like you?" I ask. "You know, gifted?"

  He runs his hand over his face, over his head. He looks so tired as he says, "No, it was just me, although she’s definitely not stupid. She just isn’t doing what he wants her to do. He still thinks he actually has a say in all this, in her life."

  His face is so sad, so lost. I want him to be happy again. I want to make him happy. He’s done so much for me, so much more than I ever thought possible. I look at him, forcing myself
to smile. "So you’re saying, underneath this sexy rock star lurks a total maths geek?"

  He laughs now and there it is. His eyes are bright again. The worry and tiredness leaves his face. My heart surges with happiness, finally. I smile at him, kiss him softly. He pulls me even closer, dragging the covers over us.

  "You think I’m sexy?" he whispers teasingly.

  I laugh now. I feel like I’m home.

  It’s been twelve days since Luke’s accident and I’m still living with him. His burn is healing and he will be okay. I’ve officially given up my apartment now and all of my stuff is either here, in storage or gone. I’m living in the apartment with him and Jared. I’m welcome here and it’s nothing like before. I want to be here. Luke wants me to be here. Jared laughs when he says I should’ve always been here. I don’t know how I ever thought I could leave him.

  Luke makes space for me in his bedroom. We are lucky because he has the biggest with a bathroom too. He finds places for all of my stuff and he lets me be at home here. I smile as I put my toothbrush beside his in the bathroom. Stack my CDs with his. Hang my clothes next to his in the wardrobe.

  And I hang the guitar picks in the window above our bed.

  The last two weeks have been like a new start and I feel so different, so completely different to the old me. Luke knows everything now, he’s seen me at my worst and he’s still here. Every day with him is like a new chance and I don’t want to lose that. I want to believe this is all possible. I want to believe things really can be different this time.

  I’m lying in bed reading when I hear Luke come home tonight. Mia is here again, staying with us for Christmas. I know now that she always stays with them when she comes to town and I know now how much Jared loves it. I also know it isn’t just a little one sided crush at all, that he is absolutely crazy about her and when I ask him why he doesn’t just tell her, he shakes his head and says, "She’s the sister of my best mate Ash, it’s complicated."