I Love You to Death

by Natalie Ward

  "He knows Jared and he doesn’t have a problem with it," I tell him. "You have to know that."

  He smiles sadly at me and says, "Yeah I guess, I mean he didn’t seem to before."

  "So what’s the real problem then, why can’t you just tell her how you really feel?" I want them to be happy. It’s torturous watching them both feel the same way about each other and do nothing about it. I don’t know how either of them can stand it.

  "I don’t know," he answers quietly. "Too much has happened and too much has been said. Mia, she knows how I….I just, I just don’t know."

  He blows out a deep breath and I realise how much all of this affects him, how much it must’ve been affecting him for a while now. I also get the feeling there’s a lot more going on here than I ever realised. Things have definitely happened in the past I know that, but there’s a gap neither of them can cross, no matter how much they both want to. I want to help them, after everything they’ve done for me.

  I spent the afternoon hanging out with Mia while the guys practiced. We talked and talked all afternoon, well into the night. When I brought Jared up I saw the sad smile cross her face. They were stuck, both of them.

  "Do you want to talk about it Mia?" I asked her as I grabbed us a couple of beers.

  "There isn’t much to say Ash," she said quietly.

  I squeezed her hand as I said, "I kinda get the feeling there is, that maybe there’s more going on here between the two of you?"

  She looked up at me then and it looked like tears were filling her eyes. "Yeah, things have happened before."

  "And?" I said, still holding her hand as I sat down beside her.

  "And I don’t know, it’s a mess Ash, for so many reasons and things just seem to get in the way of sorting it all out."

  "Have you tried just telling him how you feel about all of this?" I asked gently.

  "No," she said sadly. "I already fucked things up once before, badly, and I don’t know how to fix that. How to undo the things I’ve done."

  "Maybe you need to make time, find a way. Remember what you told your brother Mia?" I said to her. "You just need to do something, anything to show Jared how you really feel, that you feel the same way he does."

  She shook her head. "I can’t sing Ash, you know that."

  I couldn’t help but laugh. "You know that’s not what I meant Mia, you just need to let him know, really let him know. Shit, look at what Luke did and he had no idea how I felt."

  Mia raised an eyebrow at me.

  "What?"

  "Ash, I hate to say it, but I knew how you felt about Luke within about two seconds of meeting you."

  "Really?" I asked. "But nothing was even going on back then?"

  Mia was laughing now. "Didn’t matter Ash, up until you found out I was his sister, you could pretty much see the jealousy and annoyance dripping off you. It was obvious how you felt, even if you didn’t realise it."

  I blushed when she said this, knowing only too well how true that probably was. I just didn’t realise how obvious it’d been. "Do you think Luke noticed?" I asked, taking a sip of my drink.

  She squeezed my hand now as she gently said, "It would’ve been hard for him not to Ash. He was so crazy about you, it’s a wonder he didn’t just jump you then and there when he saw your reaction to me walking in. In any case I’m sure he knows now," she continued laughing again.

  I hope he does.

  "So have you, you know, talked to him about how you really feel? Those three little words you blurted out to me at the Cape?" she continued, the corner of her mouth lifting in a smile.

  I took another nervous sip of my drink, stalling before I answered her, "No."

  "So you haven’t told him?" Mia asked. Subtly changing the course of the conversation appeared to be one thing Mia could do.

  "No," was all I could say again.

  "Why not Ash?"

  I shook my head, took another sip of my drink. "I’m too scared," I finally admitted, unable to explain why.

  Mia just squeezed my hand again before she let go. "You shouldn’t be Ash, that much I can guarantee you. You definitely shouldn’t be scared about telling Luke how you feel. You have to know he feels the same way right? You must know, I mean everyone can see it," she continued, smiling at me.

  That’s not what I was afraid of. I’d heard him say the words once before, whispered in my ear so many months ago. I wasn’t afraid of what he felt; he never held back, his actions constantly showing me what those feelings were. It was one of the things I loved about him.

  It was me. I’d never said those words back to him because it was the final step. It was like admitting it was all really real and if it was, then it could all really be destroyed as well. That’s what I was afraid of.

  But I couldn’t tell Mia this. So I just took a deep breath and jokingly said, "Everyone but me right?"

  "No Ash," Mia said gently. "I know you see it too. I know you do."

  "Yeah," I said quietly. She smiled at me then and I smiled back, knowing that whether I said those words out loud or not, the feeling was true. I knew it, hopefully Luke knew it. And keeping it a secret or actually telling him wasn’t going to change anything, not now. And he deserved to know, he deserved to hear me say it and I really did want to tell him.

  So it’s a little after midnight when Luke finally comes home. I’m lying in bed reading, but I’m definitely not tired and in no danger of going to sleep anytime soon.

  "Hey my beautiful girl," he says with a smile in his voice, putting his guitar down and coming over to the bed.

  "Hey," I smile back at him, leaning over for a kiss.

  He touches his lips to mine. "How was the movie?" he murmurs against them.

  I laugh as I say, "Um, we never got there. Talking too much and we missed the start."

  Luke smiles at me as he kicks off his boots and sits down on the bed now, facing me. "That, I’m not surprised about." He kisses me again, his hand finding mine and our fingers lacing together as his thumb softly brushes over my wrist. It’s all I can do not to rip his clothes off right here and now. But I’m going to do this first. I want to do this, I want to tell him.

  "Did you have a good night though?" he eventually asks.

  "We did," I smile.

  We’re sitting here watching each other and even though music is playing, I’m sure Luke must be able to hear my heart, which is racing inside my chest. It’s practically deafening to me, so I don’t know how he could miss it.

  "You okay Ash?" he eventually asks me, his head tilting slightly as he watches me, his thumb still stroking my wrist. My pulse is pounding; he must be able to feel it.

  I take another deep breath. "Yes. But I want to tell you something," I say. "Something important."

  Luke just keeps watching me, as I sit there trying to get the words out. "Anything," he eventually says. I can’t tell what he’s thinking, if he knows what I’m trying to say, trying to do. I force myself to continue.

  "Luke…"

  "Yeah?"

  And then I just say it. Those three words I’ve been holding back. Those three words I heard him whisper to me months ago. Those three words that describe a feeling I know I’ve had for so long now. Those three words that mean everything, I finally just say it to him.

  "….I love you."

  It feels like time freezes for a second before everything then starts to move in slow motion. I watch Luke as he blinks, then smiles, then grabs me and pulls me to him. I watch as he kisses me. Hard. One hand buried in my hair, the other wrapping tightly around my waist holding me against him. My eyes close as I kiss him back.

  "Please say that again," he whispers against my lips.

  I open my eyes, find him watching me. "I love you," I say again. "I really love you."

  He groans, kissing me again as he pushes us down onto the bed. "Asha, I love you. I love you so much." His voice is strained, full of emotion as he finally says those same three words back to me again.

  "You do?" I
can’t help but whisper.

  He pulls back a little, looking at me with blue eyes that are so full of love I cannot look away. "Yeah Asha, I really do. I love you, I’ve always loved you."

  I smile up at him.

  He smiles back.

  Now I do rip his clothes off.

  It’s almost dawn by the time we finally fall asleep, but when we do, I have a smile on my face and Luke’s warm arms surrounding me, holding me tightly against him. Now I know I’m home.

  ∞

  Tomorrow it’s my birthday. Everything feels so different to this time last year.

  But tonight is a really big show for the band. They are all so excited because finally some big names in the industry are coming to watch. Infinity is the main act and they will be the final performance. The guys are all bouncing off the walls in anticipation.

  Even before I said it, Luke told me I was coming. When I started to argue, all he said was, "No, I don’t believe you will ruin it for us. I will refuse to play if you aren’t there." His stubborn streak is there when he wants it to be, but I love it that he knows what I’m thinking, and I love that despite everything he does know, he still chooses me.

  He tells me, "Look at how well our other shows have gone when you were there."

  I smile because I know exactly which show he’s talking about.

  He isn’t at work today and already I miss him. I woke up with him only hours ago and he walked me to work and still, I’m craving him. They’re practicing all day and then he will come back to get me. I’m counting down the seconds.

  It’s exactly 6:12pm when he walks in. He sidles up to the counter with an adorable smile on his face and I feel my heart skip a beat. I can’t help but smile back at him, can’t help but reach for him.

  "Hey," I say, as he pulls me to him, folding me in his arms and pressing a kiss to my lips. I don’t even care who’s watching as he kisses me. I only see him.

  Eventually he pulls back, whispering against my lips, "Mmm, I missed you."

  I smile up at him and take his hand as we head back to the staff room. "Are you all ready to go tonight?" I ask him.

  "Uh huh," he says, closing the door and shutting us in the room.

  Something weird is going on and I turn to look at him. He has a funny look on his face, as though he has a secret he’s dying to tell me.

  "What’s going on?" I ask him.

  "I got something for you today," he says, stepping towards me.

  "Really?"

  "Yeah, really." He’s smiling as he asks, "Do you wanna see it?" His hand reaches out to tuck my hair behind my ear again. A jolt of electricity courses through me, and I know he feels it too. I see his eyes darken at the connection, his smile become something else.

  I’m watching him. "Ok," I say, a little wary.

  He slowly lifts up his shirt, to reveal a bandage on his chest. I gasp, immediately thinking something bad has happened. "Shhh," he whispers. "It’s all ok Asha," he continues as he slowly peels back the bandage.

  I see what it is now.

  A tattoo. He’s gotten a new tattoo. I look at the black design and I’m speechless. I’ve seen it before. I’ve watched as he drew it occasionally on scraps of paper, beside his lyrics, playing with the design. I’ve watched the smile on his face as he did this. I’ve watched as that smile grew bigger every time he looked up and caught me watching him. Extra bits have been added to it now.

  I look back up at his face.

  He’s watching me.

  Waiting.

  Wanting to see what I think.

  I know exactly what this is, what it means. I know, because I also know what his other tattoos are about. I know what they really mean to him and why he got them both. I know he doesn’t do this lightly, that it’s a form of expression for him, just like his music. And when he gets one, it’s important and it really means something, that the design and everything it represents, is an important part of him.

  And it’s because of that, my heart just stops. It stops with the realisation that he’s made it permanent, that he’s inked this design that he created for me, forever into his skin. It’s beautiful to look at, it looks beautiful on him. And now it is a part of him forever, I am a part of him forever. I feel like I’m going to explode, because I just can’t describe what seeing that design forever marked on his body does to me.

  As he smooths the bandage back over it, I can’t help but throw myself at him, wrapping my body around his. I hear him laugh softly before I push my mouth hard against his, pulling a deep groan from him. I feel his arms wrap around me, holding me tight as he turns and backs us up against the closed door. I’m glad we’re alone in here. He lifts me, pressing my back against the wood. My legs circle his waist. Leaning into me, he kisses me deeply, so deeply that I forget how to breathe. My brain is swimming inside of my head and I can’t tell if my heart has even started beating again. I can feel all of Luke pressed against me and I know exactly what he’s feeling too. When he pulls back, we are only inches apart and he whispers, "Do you like it?"

  I am overflowing when I tell him, "I love it," my voice husky with desire and so much more.

  He smiles at me, knows exactly what I’m saying as he looks right at me and whispers, "Good, because I love you Asha, I really love you."

  Now I melt, I’m melting at his words, those words. I could listen to him say them to me forever. I look right back at him. "Luke," I whisper. "I love you too."

  His smile is bigger, his eyes darker now and my heart is racing. We kiss and kiss and I wish we were somewhere else. He reads my mind, because as his lips find my ear, he whispers, "Let’s get out of here."

  By now, I can only nod. My brain can’t function enough for me to get words out, so I just let him take me home. Let him take me to our room. Let him undress me and pull me into bed. Let him touch me all over, with his fingers, his lips, his tongue. Let him show me how much he feels. Try to show him how much it mirrors my own feelings.

  That I want him.

  That I need him.

  That I love him.

  We are so close, I can no longer tell where he ends and I begin.

  We have no time for a shower, but neither of us cares. We walk to the club, covered in each other, our bodies wrapped tightly around each other and I feel like I don’t ever want to let him go. Just before he goes on stage, I pull him to me and stand on my toes to whisper, "I love you." I don’t know why it ever took me so long to get the words out. Now I just can’t stop telling him.

  Luke smiles at me, that gorgeous smile that stops my heart and then he walks on stage and reinvents the meaning of music.

  I stay watching from the side, watching Luke as he engages the audience and sings his words to them. They are good, so good tonight, everyone can feel it. The crowd is going crazy and the guys are playing like they’re drawing all of their energy from them. It’s amazing to watch. They play a new song, a song Luke wrote for us. The audience loves it, but I hardly notice anyone because I can’t take my eyes off Luke. I can’t wipe the smile off my face either, I am so happy. It’s still there when they all leave the stage, over two hours later.

  I pull him straight into my arms, telling him over and over again how amazing he is, how much I love him. I can’t ever remember feeling like this before. Suddenly we are both surrounded and looking, we see that they are all hugging us. Jared and Ben and Steve and Mia and Sarah and Pete are all hugging us. We’re all laughing now because we all know it was their best performance.

  We all know there is something amazing going on here.

  ∞

  I was twelve when I finally asked Dad about being born and what had happened that day. He told me everything. I needed to know it all, what had really happened and how he really felt. Like I said, he never, ever made me feel as though I was to blame, or it was my fault everything that happened. If anything, he loved me more and always made sure I knew that. And when I learnt some of the background, I guess I started to see why.

 
He told me how they struggled, how they’d both desperately wanted me, but Mom especially. It made me wish even more I’d had the chance to know her, wish she had the chance to know me. But he always said she was so grateful to be finally having me, that even if it was only for a minute, her knowing I was alive and okay would’ve meant something to her.

  They’d been trying to have another baby for years. Almost as soon as Seth was born, they wanted another. My Mom had desperately wanted a daughter, not that she didn’t love Seth, but I guess all mothers want a little girl of their own. For years they had tried and for years they didn’t have any luck. They both had tests and everything was normal, but it just wasn’t happening. But Mom insisted they keep trying, one day it would happen, that she knew she was meant to have another baby. Then one day she woke up, walked out into the kitchen where Dad was cooking her breakfast and before she’d even sat down, she walked to the sink and threw up. Dad says she knew straight away what it meant. That when she was pregnant with Seth she couldn’t stand the smell of food first thing in the morning, it used to make her sick every time. So instead of being mortified at having vomited all over the kitchen, Dad just poured her a glass of water and after rinsing her mouth out, both of them were laughing and crying at the possibly it had finally happened again. As soon as the stores opened they went out and bought a test and when the positive came back, they were over the moon.

  By all accounts her pregnancy with me was completely normal. The morning sickness she had was the same as what she’d had with Seth. She lost weight initially, which wasn’t good, but the same thing had happened with Seth. And when she reached twelve weeks, it all stopped, just like with Seth. The rest of the time was all normal. I grew normally, they found out I was a girl, which made her even more excited and everything was just so completely normal.

  In the end though, I was born a month early. Whether the excitement of New Year’s Eve caused me to make my unexpected appearance or whether it was something to do with the unforseen complications, I’ll never know. But just before midnight on the last day of the year, when everyone else was counting down the clock to celebrate, I entered the world. And one minute later, just before the clock actually struck twelve, just before the New Year arrived, my Mom died.