Catching Her Heart

by Carolyne Aarsen

  He went into his room and dropped onto the bed, then he turned his head sideways and saw his Bible on the bedside table. He picked it up, paging idly through it. He stopped here and there, but nothing spoke to him.

  He paged through the Psalms and found a folded-over page, so he turned to it. Psalm 130. At one time something in this Psalm had struck him. So he started reading.

  “Out of the depths I cry to You, O Lord; O Lord, hear my voice. Let Your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.”

  He felt like he was sending his anger and anguish up into the heavens from the deep, dark place he had descended the past few days.

  “If You, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with You there is forgiveness.”

  The words of the Bible passage resonated in his mind, accusing and at the same time oddly reassuring. He knew he wasn’t without sin, but it was as if the passage was reminding him that no one could stand in God’s presence if God kept a record of wrong.

  That included him.

  Jess reread the passage, still struggling with all the things that circled in his mind. Naomi. His father.

  And behind those thoughts came another one.

  Himself.

  He had done wrong in so many ways and so often. That Naomi had even been willing to date him in the first place had been a huge surprise. She had been all that was good and wonderful and pure that his hungry soul had been looking for.

  And he had ruined it. That there had been consequences to that act had been as much his fault as anyone’s. His own conscience accused him. He knew he had been wrong to be angry with her.

  And yet...

  The errant doubt lingered and he returned to the Bible.

  “Oh, Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with Him is full redemption.”

  Unfailing love and full redemption.

  Strong language that clearly laid things out with no wiggle room. God’s love for him was unfailing and His forgiveness complete.

  He closed the Bible and closed his eyes. “Help me, Lord, to forgive. Help me to know that I am as guilty as anyone else.”

  He thought of his father and his grandfather. He wanted to hold back forgiveness from them, but then thought of what Naomi had said.

  As long as he held back forgiveness, his father had a hold over him. He remembered Naomi saying that forgiveness would free him from bitterness and anger.

  If it would free him from his father, maybe it would also free him from Naomi. Except, deep in his heart, he knew he didn’t want to be free of her. At all.

  Help me do this, Lord, he prayed. I can’t do it on my own.

  * * *

  “When do you have to go to work?”

  Naomi glanced at the clock in the living room of Nana Beck’s house. “Not for another half an hour.”

  Nana sat back in her chair with a faint smile. “I’m glad you finally got a job at the hospital, even if it is only part-time.”

  “It’s a start.” After Jess left, Naomi knew she couldn’t keep working with Brittany, so she phoned around, praying she would find someone, anyone, to take care of the girl. Thankfully, through Shannon’s contacts, she found a retired nurse who was willing to come the next day. As if in answer to prayer, two days after that she got a job at the hospital. She had started last night. Today was the first time she’d had a chance to visit with Nana.

  “So what else have you been doing? I thought for sure you’d go back to Mug Shots. After all, you can’t pay your bills working only part-time.”

  Naomi couldn’t help a faint smile at Nana’s advice. “I’ve been doing some other work for Allison’s parents. Some stained-glass windows for a house Allison’s father is building.”

  Nana frowned. “Stained glass? Is there any money in that? I know you did it before, but nothing came of it.”

  “There can be.” Her thoughts shifted to the windows she had started for Jess. She wondered what he would do with them. “I just have to make a commitment to it.”

  Nana nodded, but Naomi could see she wasn’t convinced.

  “So what made you decide to stop working for Jess?” Nana asked her. “I got the impression the two of you were getting back together again.”

  Pain and guilt bloomed again inside her. “Something happened,” Naomi said, the words a lame shadow of the storm of emotions her confession to Jess had caused.

  Nana reached over and took Naomi’s hand, covering it with hers. “Something?” she prompted.

  Naomi looked over at Nana, remembering all the times she, Hailey and Shannon would be brought to the ranch by their mother when she couldn’t cope anymore.

  Nana and Grandpa Beck were a shelter in the storm of their life. Nana had probably spent more time with her than her own mother had. And Nana could always tell when Naomi wasn’t being completely forthright with her.

  Naomi looked at her nana and felt a sob rise. She knew she had to tell her the same thing she told Jess. She had suppressed the truth too long.

  “Remember how when I came to you all those years ago and told you Jess broke up with me?” Naomi said, fingering her grandmother’s worn wedding band.

  “Yes, I remember how upset you were. I remember that Hailey wanted to go and beat him up. I also remember how thankful I was you got together with Billy again. I didn’t think Jess was the right person for you. He was too, well, wild. Uncontrolled. He didn’t seem to have good parents.”

  “He didn’t. That’s why he was so wild and uncontrolled. They didn’t take good care of him. Especially not his father.” She stopped herself, tamping down her anger with this man. What happened to Jess wasn’t her story to tell. “Anyway, it didn’t go the way I said. Jess and I broke up because we had a fight, that much was true, but there was more going on.” She tried to hold Nana’s loving gaze but couldn’t.

  How often had she heard Nana tell Hailey that she should be more like Naomi? How often had she overheard her nana tell people what a good, Christian girl her granddaughter was? How proud Nana was of her?

  What would she think now?

  She tried to withdraw her hand, but her grandmother wouldn’t let her. “Jess and I...we spent a lot of time together. His parents left for a couple of weeks and we were in the house together. Alone.” She stopped there, hoping Nana would understand without her having to say the words.

  “Oh. Oh, honey.”

  “I was too ashamed to tell you,” Naomi rushed on, hoping to forestall any questions. “I was scared and nervous and didn’t know what to do. Jess and I talked about what we did and we both said it wouldn’t happen again. We talked about maybe getting married and I was so happy. Then, about six weeks later I found out that I was pregnant.”

  Her grandmother’s swift intake of breath was like a body blow. But she didn’t let go of Naomi’s hand and Naomi kept talking, knowing she had to get this out.

  “I didn’t know how to talk to Jess, but I knew I had to tell him. So we talked about what we were doing after we both went to college. We talked about where we were going and I asked about kids. He said absolutely no kids. No way. I knew Jess well enough that he wasn’t giving in, but I had to make him try. I was carrying his baby. So I pushed and he pushed back and we had a terrible fight. But I still didn’t tell him. I couldn’t after all that. Then Billy returned and told me he had made a terrible mistake, and that he wanted me back. I thought here was my chance. So I went back, and I told him about the baby. He was disappointed, but at the same time he said he would support me. Then I lost the baby. I saw losing the baby as a final break in my relationship with Jess. Almost like a judgment.”

  Nana squeezed Naomi’s hand even more tightly. “God doesn’t work like that,” she said quietly. “You know that God is compassionate and gracious—”

  “Slow to an
ger and abounding in love,” Naomi continued, automatically finishing the sentence from the Psalm Nana and Grandpa had gotten her to memorize.

  “He does not treat us as our sins deserve nor repay us according to our iniquities. You know He has removed our sins from us as far as east is from the west. So take those words and take them to heart,” Nana said quietly. “You’ve had a lot to deal with the past while. Losing Billy must have been hard.”

  Naomi looked up at her grandmother, her sorrow almost choking her. “I never told Jess about the baby until a few days ago. And now he doesn’t want me in his life, and losing him has been far harder than losing a man I was engaged to for four years. I never loved Billy as much as I love Jess. I miss him and I don’t know what to do.” Her last words came out on a choked sob and she finally gave in to the tears that had been threatening so long, laid her head on Nana’s lap and cried.

  Nana simply let her cry, stroking her head, murmuring incoherent endearments. Naomi cried for her lost baby, cried for her lost love, cried for the missed opportunities. And then, when her tears were spent, she lay a moment longer, letting her nana’s comfort ease away the pain that clenched her heart every moment of every day since Jess drove away from her.

  “I think you need to give Jess some time,” her nana was saying, still stroking her hair away from her damp cheeks. “This is a big thing for him to face.”

  “But you should have seen him when I told him. It was like I punched him in the stomach. Then he looked as if I had betrayed him in the worst possible way. He’ll never forgive me.”

  “Never is a long time,” Nana was saying. “And in spite of my misgivings about Jess, I think you two are meant for each other. I think he knows it, too.”

  Naomi lifted her head, puzzled at Nana’s statement. “What do you mean, we’re right for each other? You said you didn’t want me to date him in the first place.”

  “He’s changed a lot, but it’s more than that. I remember seeing you two together at Mug Shots all those years ago. I remember how your face shone. How bright your eyes were. And it wasn’t just you. When I saw you with Jess, I saw a couple who lit up the room with their happiness. You were brighter and more full of life than I had ever seen you before.”

  Her nana’s words were both bitter and sweet. Jess did make her feel fully alive. Then and now.

  “I see the same thing...saw the same thing recently. The few times I did see you, mind you,” she said with a gently scolding tone.

  “I had to stay with Brittany,” Naomi said. “She needed me there full-time.”

  “Of course.” Nana stroked Naomi’s cheek, then tucked her hair back behind her ears.

  “So what do I do?”

  “For now, nothing except to lay it all at God’s feet. He’s your loving Father and He knows your heart. He knows Jess’s heart, as well. You need to let go. You need to forgive yourself and you need to let Jess find the time to forgive you, too.”

  “What if he doesn’t?”

  Nana gave her a melancholy smile. “Then he’s not the right person for you, is he?”

  Naomi heard the words and tried not to let them pierce her heart. But at the same time, she knew Nana was right.

  So, just as she used to as a young girl, she folded her hands in Nana’s lap and let her grandmother cover them with hers. Then they both bowed their heads and put Naomi’s burden on the shoulders of the one who promised to carry it all.

  * * *

  Naomi knocked lightly on the door to Brittany’s hospital room. She knew exactly when Brittany came in to have her baby today. She also knew Jess had been there for the birth, then had left the hospital. Even though she had promised her sister Hailey they were going shopping after work, she knew she couldn’t leave the hospital without seeing Brittany while Jess wasn’t around.

  “Come in,” Naomi heard, then stepped into the room.

  She walked past the first bed, which was empty, then to the curtained-off area where Brittany lay. Naomi smiled at Sheila who sat on a chair beside the bed, holding a tiny bundle. The baby boy that Brittany had delivered safely only a couple of hours ago.

  Brittany looked up, a huge smile on her face. “I was hoping you would come,” she said, holding her arms out.

  Naomi walked to her side and enveloped her in a tight hug. Then she drew back, noticing a peace on Brittany’s face that she hadn’t seen before.

  “Congratulations. You did good. You certainly don’t look like you just had a baby.”

  “I feel fantastic.”

  “How is the little guy?” Naomi asked, glancing at Sheila, who was still looking down at the bundle she held.

  “He’s so beautiful. Do you want to hold him?” Brittany turned to her mother. “Sheila, can Naomi hold Kevin?”

  Sheila dragged her attention away from the baby and gave Naomi a broad smile. “Yes, of course.”

  “It’s okay,” Naomi said, surprised at the gentle love shining from Sheila’s face. She didn’t want take the baby away from the woman who seemed so obviously besotted with the child.

  Then Brittany’s phone chirped and she gave Naomi an apologetic smile as she covered the phone. “It’s Scott,” she said. “He’s on his way. The baby came sooner than he expected.”

  “We’ll sit over here,” Sheila said. “Give you two some privacy.”

  She got up and moved to the other side of the curtain, still holding the baby.

  Naomi walked over to her to get a closer look.

  “Would you like to hold him?” Sheila asked.

  “That’s okay,” Naomi murmured, looking down at the tiny head swaddled in the blanket.

  “Please,” Sheila said, “you had much more to do with his safe delivery than I did.”

  Naomi curbed her reluctance, then took the little bundle from Sheila, looking down at the tiny head with its downy fuzz. His eyes were still swollen and red from the trauma of birth. But his mouth was like a tiny bud, pursed and perfect.

  Her heart skipped at the sight.

  “It’s all here,” Naomi said reverently, touching his cheek and folding back the blanket enough to touch the tiny fingers with their fingernails smaller than a kernel of rice. “He’s so complete and so perfect.”

  For a fleeting moment she wondered what her and Jess’s baby would have looked like. She pressed her lips together against the old sorrow and then, once again, forgave herself.

  “He’s so precious,” she breathed, inhaling that faintly spicy and transitory smell of a newborn baby.

  Sheila hovered, her hand resting on the baby’s body. “I can’t believe he’s here already. I thought it would be another month. Thankfully he didn’t need to be in the incubator.”

  “He’s a little miracle,” Naomi said, glancing Sheila’s way, surprised at this woman’s reaction.

  “He is.” Sheila was quiet, her expression suddenly serious. “I can’t believe what I feel for this baby. I mean, Brittany isn’t even my own daughter, but I can’t get enough of this child.”

  Naomi tried not to feel a beat of resentment at what Sheila was saying. “Did you feel the same way about Jess?” she couldn’t help asking.

  Sheila’s face twisted and Naomi instantly regretted what she said. She had no right to judge Sheila. No right at all.

  “I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “That was wrong of me. Please forgive me.

  Sheila released a bitter laugh. “I’m the one who should be asking forgiveness. From Jess.”

  “It’s not too late,” Naomi said.

  “And what about you and Jess? What happened?”

  “Knock, knock,” Hailey’s voice whispered from the doorway, breaking the moment and releasing Naomi from the need to say anything.

  Hailey grinned when she saw Naomi holding the baby and hurried over. “Is that him? Can I see?” Sh
e bent over the tiny bundle Naomi held. “Oh, my goodness, look at that little guy. He’s so adorable.”

  They all stood a moment, three women united in their admiration of this tiny miracle of life. Then Brittany called for Sheila and excusing herself, Sheila left, leaving Naomi still holding Kevin.

  “Is Brittany feeling okay?” Hailey asked.

  “As far as I know. I haven’t talked to anyone yet, but usually once the baby is born, the diabetes and eclampsia go away,” Naomi murmured, stroking the tiny cheek.

  “Looks good on you,” Hailey said quietly. Then she sighed, slipping her arm around Naomi’s shoulder. “I still feel so bad about what happened to you. I wish you would have told us about everything.”

  “I know I should have, but I was scared,” she admitted. “I should have trusted you.”

  “So how are you doing now?”

  “I’m okay. I’ve carried this for a lot longer than you have.”

  Hailey lifted Naomi’s chin. “You don’t look okay. You look sad and weary and even more worn out than after Billy died.”

  “Probably because I feel worse than I did after Billy died.” As soon as the words spilled out she wished she could take them back. Hailey would jump on them, that much she knew for certain.

  “I told Jess that he had to be careful with you,” Hailey said, her voice growing hard. “I warned him you weren’t in a good place. I should have known he wouldn’t listen.”

  “What are you talking about?” Naomi said.

  “I talked to Jess a while back. I had my reservations about him, so I told him he had to be careful with you. I remember saying something about him not playing with your emotions. Jess is, well, a bit rough around the edges and I was looking out for you. You are a gentle soul and I was afraid he would take advantage of you again. Emotionally, I mean.”

  Naomi released a bitter laugh. “Thanks, I think, but you didn’t need to stand up for me. Especially not with Jess.”

  “What are you talking about? You were devastated after he broke up with you the first time and you’re not looking too great right now either. He’s not good for you.”