by Mary Wood
18
Issy
A Blessed End
Issy watched Sarah lift the spoon towards her. Unable to talk and tell her about the pain in her hip, or to ask her to move her to ease it, she tried to concentrate and gain comfort from the glow Sarah had about her. Who’d have thought Billy could make their Sarah happy? But he had done, there was nothing so sure as that. It shone from her. And her having a young ’un inside her suited her. Not that it showed, but Sarah had told her that she’d missed her bleeding and was certain she was pregnant, and the news had obviously given her a deep happiness, though it must bring back to her the babby she’d lost. Issy knew that feeling, and she hoped that Sarah wasn’t like her and Cissy, having difficulties in carrying babbies to full time. But then, for Sarah, losing her first might have been a result of the shock of what happened the night of the party, and not an underlying problem.
Issy felt troubled as she thought of the violence shown by Billy, and of what she knew him to be capable of. But he’d changed, hadn’t he? What had happened wouldn’t keep happening, would it? Naw, there was no way that Billy had hurt Sarah since. Sarah’s happiness told of that.
Knowing Sarah was happy meant she could die with a peace in her. How I wish that day would come . . . This existing in a world that her loved ones couldn’t penetrate was like visiting hell. Anyroad, with all the prayers she said and all her begging for forgiveness, she hoped it was just that – a visit.
In a way she was glad of this time. It’d given her a chance to look back at everything – to see where she’d not been at her best, and to ask Him above to turn a blind eye to them times. Like when that gypsy took her down. By, he’d woken in her feelings she’d carry to her grave, but it had been sinful of her to latch onto them like she had done. If she knew anything, though, she’d not meet him in heaven. If she made it there, that was. By, he was a bad ’un, and he’d got his just deserts at the end of a rope.
Mind, all in all, she couldn’t have been a bad ’un herself, as she’d been hard pressed to think of a lot of stuff to beg forgiveness for.
Issy’s past and that of those she loved came to her in waves of memories. She thought of how she had been adamant about moving away after her daughter Cissy married Jack. She’d always carried guilt over that, but had thought they would have a better chance without her living with them. In hindsight, maybe if she’d stayed she could’ve saved Cissy from dying in childbirth. And she knew she could have been a help to Megan during the time she’d suffered so much at her first husband’s cruel hand. But there was no changing things; she’d done what she thought was best at the time.
Bridie – Bridget’s mam and Megan’s grandmother – came into her mind. By, that lass suffered at the hands of the gypsy an’ all, even though he was her one true love. It just shows what others can do to a person. That poor lass. And she died so young, and yet old in herself, by what Bridget had told her. The hope lay inside Issy that Bridie had had time to ask for the forgiveness of God. It was unbearable to think of anything else for her.
Eeh, that pain seems to be spreading up me insides. She’d have to try to indicate to Sarah that she wasn’t comfortable. Sometimes, over the last few weeks since this had happened to her, Sarah had understood her needs.
‘I’ve a letter from Billy, Granna. He’s got his posting, but he’s coming home for a twenty-four-hour leave before he goes. I’m that excited as he’ll be home in two days’ time.’
Oh, lass, I’m pleased for yer, but just look up at me. See me pain. Oh God!
‘He doesn’t say where he’s going, but most likely France, and with what the news tells us, we must have troops heading for Belgium from there. We wouldn’t let Hitler invade them without a fight, would we? Here, Granna, try to take . . . Eeh, what is it? Aren’t you comfortable? I’ll fetch Dad and ask him to lift you, eh?’
Thank God for that. This pain’s making me sweat. Aye and making it hard to breathe an’ all.
Megan came into the room with Jack. Together they lifted Issy. By, she’d love to take hold of them and give them a hug, but all her energy was drained. The room swam around her. Her heart drummed in her ears, taking these dear folk away from her. The swirl dragged her into its centre. Her pain had gone, and the tug on her heart blocked the sadness of leaving them, as the hole had opened up to a tunnel and, at the end of it, a beautiful light shone around some very dear faces: her ma, her Cissy, and little Bella, and Tom. Eeh, Tom . . .
‘Oh God, Jack. Oh, Issy. Issy, love. Issy!’
‘Ma, Ma? Eeh, she’s left us, Megan, thou knows. She’s gone.’
‘No, Dad. Oh, no!’
‘Come on, me lassies, we should be glad for her. Look at her. She’s a lovely smile on her face. It ain’t been easy for her these last weeks. I’d not have a dog live like Ma’s had to. Not able to do owt for herself, and not able to talk.’
‘She took it all in her stride. You could tell that, bless her heart, but yes, you’re reet, Jack. She’s at peace now, and it’s only our selfishness as wants to hold onto her.’
Sarah reached out and took hold of her Aunt Megan’s hand. Her dad’s arms tightened around them both. A tear dropped off the end of his nose. It matched the silent ones falling in an avalanche from her own eyes, and she could see that unshed tears were stinging her Aunt Megan’s.
There were no words to comfort, other than the ones her dad had said. Granna did look happy. But she was going to miss her. Her granna had been one of the constants in her life.
Megan’s body began to shake.
‘Megan, lass, you’re laughing!’
‘Aye, I am. I had it in me head to tell you of a joke me and Issy shared just a few days afore the stroke took her, and it’s just come to me. Oh, Jack, it were funny. It were the last bit of real fun we shared together. It were me thinking of Fanny as brought it to me mind. I were thinking how this will hit her, and how sad she’s been since the stroke happened to Issy, when you’d think as she’d be relieved not to have Issy on at her all the time.’
‘Eeh, lass, I don’t know how your mind works at times, but I reckon as Ma’d like us to share a joke with her as she leaves us. They say as the spirit stays in the body for a while, so she’ll hear you, thou knows.’
Sarah couldn’t quite make out how she felt about this turn of events, but she supposed if it helped these two people she loved beyond any others, then she’d not object.
‘It were the day as we were to fetch our gas masks from Breckton Town Hall. Issy said . . . Oh dear, it was so funny. Issy said she didn’t feel up to going, so would I fetch hers? I said, “Well then, if you ain’t going to come, what about Fanny’s?” I’d asked her this as Issy had said she’d fetch Fanny’s gas mask for her. Oh, I can’t—’
‘Go on, Aunt Megan, hearing you laughing and telling us about sommat funny Granna said is helping.’
‘Well, Issy said, “Oh, you’ve no need to worry about our fannies; we can stuff them up with brown paper . . .” Oh, Jack, oh dear – it were so funny. I thought I would burst me sides.’
‘What?’
Sarah saw that her dad looked mystified, but the joke hadn’t missed her. She doubled over with her Aunt Megan and laughed so much that it verged on hysterics.
‘Anyway, I said, “Oh, Issy, you are naughty.” Then we heard someone coming, so I said, “Don’t say anything, if it is Fanny. You know she can’t take a joke.” Then Issy said, “I won’t. I’ll just ask her to start saving all the brown paper bags as grocer delivers food in, and tell her as we women’ll need it. We have to stop the gas getting into our bodies if that Hitler sends it!” Well, I thought I’d be sick with the expanding of me belly and not being able to draw me breath in.’
Without warning Aunt Megan’s body crumpled. Sarah felt her dad’s arm release her as he lurched forward to catch Megan, his voice full of concern. ‘Aw, me little love, me little love, come on. Come and sit down. Sarah, get a glass of water, lass. It’s all been too much.’
A few minutes l
ater, with Aunt Megan recovered some, Sarah knelt at her feet and held her hand. ‘You were like a daughter to me granna. And she loved you so much, Aunt Megan, just like I do, as you’re like a mam to me. I’m going to miss hearing you two having a laugh. You were always at it. You kept her going through the worst of times. She were always telling me as she didn’t know what she’d have done when me mam died, if it weren’t for you.’
Aunt Megan could only pat her hand.
‘Well, we’ve had these few minutes with her, and I’m glad as we were able to laugh, though you’ll have to explain the finer points of that one to me, Megan, love.’
‘Oh, Dad, you daft ha’p’orth. Granna had pretended to take it as if Aunt Megan were asking what to do about . . . well, thou knows.’ She nodded down below. ‘You know what she were like.’
‘Eeh, I see it now. By, she were a one.’
He laughed as he stood up off his haunches and went over to Granna. ‘Eeh, you were a lass, Ma. A proper lass. You had us laughing when we shouldn’t have. Well, I reckon as we’ve paid that back now. Brown paper! How you thought of them, I’ll never know.’ His hand stroked the still face, then he gently closed the half-open, unseeing eyes. ‘Well, you’ll carry on making us laugh, thou knows, cos we’ll allus talk of you, and that will include the humour of you. It has to, as that’s what you were all about, Ma – that and love, kindness and wisdom. You go to your rest, old girl, and I hope you meet up with your Tom once more. If there’s any truth in all this as they feed us, you should do.’ He bent then, and kissed her cheek.
Aunt Megan had risen. The colour had come back into her cheeks. She joined Jack. Together they straightened Granna’s body and made her look comfortable on the gleaming white pillow that Granna loved.
It took all Sarah’s willpower to join them. Somehow, touching Granna would give a truth to her having gone, and she didn’t want to. But she knew she must. She had to let her go. She’d heard tell as them as had passed over needed that, so they could find true peace – the letting go by, and of, loved ones here on earth.
‘D’yer want a mo alone with her, lass?’
‘Aye, I’ll stay a while. Are you fetching doctor?’
‘I’ll send one of the girls for him. We’ll be back soon, but I know as your granna’d like a moment with you.’
When they had gone, Sarah got onto the bed and lay with her head on her granna’s shoulder. ‘Ta, Granna, for all as you’ve been to me. I’m glad as you lived to see me wed. Me and Billy will rub along all right together, thou knows. He were a different man once we sorted some things out that were between us. I know I have to tread carefully with him, and I’ll miss your guidance on that. But he went through a lot, Granna, and I were there, so I understand him. Can I share a last secret with you, Granna? I can’t share it with anyone else. But, thou knows, Billy ain’t me true love. Oh, I love him, but more as a brother really. No, me true love is Richard, but I know as I can’t have him.’
Megan walked away from the door, her heart clogged with sadness for the two women she’d left in the room – one whose life was over, and without whom she didn’t know how she was to live; the other whose life was just starting, but wasn’t really. Not in the way it should be.
She loved them both equally and had stood a moment outside the room to make sure Sarah was all right. What she’d heard had confirmed what she knew to be a truth. Hearing it had made her heart heavy – even more so than it was already. Oh, Sarah, lass, I remember the pain of what you’re going through. Please, God, don’t let her go through what I did. But somehow, God, if you can do so without hurting Billy, can you think about bringing to her the same outcome as I had in the end? Can you make it so as she spends her life with the one she should be with?
Megan met Fanny along the landing, her face bright with a smile that said she must have missed bumping into Jack.
‘I heard all the laughing, so thought I’d go and get you a tray. Eeh, it were a good sound. How is old Issy?’
Telling Fanny was painful. Saying it for the first time was always going to be hard, but this woman had found a special place for Issy in her heart.
‘But . . . I heard you and Sarah squealing with laughter.’
‘Aye, I know.’ Could she share the joke with Fanny? Would it help or, like so often, would she be hurt? She decided to share it.
After a moment, Fanny laughed out loud. ‘Eeh, if I’d have heard her! By, she were a one. A – A beautiful . . . Oh, dear.’
‘That’s right, Fanny, she were, and she only had a laugh about you, and with you, cos she loved you. She did, very much, thou knows.’
‘I know. And I think as it were fitting to share that joke together, and with me. And it were good for Sarah, I’d like to bet. Little lass were that happy when she came in, and now that’s been taken from her. Though when you think it were going to be taken anyway, as Billy’s coming home is only for a short time, and then her worries will start.’
‘Aye, that’s the sad part of it all. All the young men going away and we don’t know if we’ll ever see them again.’
‘Oh, I’m sorry, Megan. We tend to forget that, besides having wives, these lads have mothers an’ all.’
‘Aye. Have any of your family gone into the services, Fanny?’
Walking to the front room together, where she knew Jack would be, and talking about this and that with Fanny helped. Not least because, in doing so, she could be sure the joke hadn’t made the woman feel as though they were taking the rise out of her. This was confirmed as Fanny was about to leave the room, when she turned and, with a tear in her eye, said, ‘Eeh, thou knows, if I’d have heard Issy come out with that one, and she hadn’t known I had, I’d have collected some brown paper and presented it to her. I bet her face would have been a picture! But, thou knows, she’d have had sommat to say. She allus did.’
Megan smiled. She’d registered the sob, and seen the hanky hastily taken from the pocket of Fanny’s pinafore, but she let her go. They all needed private moments, and she felt this one was Fanny’s.
19
Sarah
A Visit of Love
As she made her way home, Sarah’s heart and mind were assailed with mixed emotions and thoughts. Her dad and Aunt Megan had wanted her to stay, but she had a lot to do to get ready for Billy coming home, and keeping busy seemed the best thing. There would only be today to make everything as right as she could for him – bake some pies, finish knitting those socks for him to take with him, along with the scarf she’d already completed – as tomorrow she’d have to go into work to see to the wages for the staff. No matter what, life had to go on. Folk needed their dues and there was a war to fight.
Taking the shortcut across the back field, she climbed the five-bar gate. Hesitating a while with her feet on the third bar and gazing over the surrounding countryside, she pulled her coat tighter round her body against the cold and allowed herself a moment to take in the beauty surrounding her. Everywhere looked lovely, clothed as it was in frosty white, and glistening in the low winter sun. Granna had loved sights like this and she could hear her saying, ‘It don’t seem as though there is a war on. Nothing’s changed.’ But it had. Most of the lads from around the area had gone to various training stations, and girls were working the land and doing the kind of factory jobs the men usually did. The sense of being safe had gone, as had Granna . . . Her granna was no longer with them. A sob clenched her throat. How was she to live life without her granna by her side?
The icy wind pinched her wet face and helped to calm her. She had to get on. Granna was at rest – she knew that from the serene look on her face when it had relaxed into death. It gave her hope that Granna had met up with her Tom again. Funny, she couldn’t think of him as her granddad, as she’d never met him and had only ever heard of him in terms of him being Granna’s Tom.
A thought came to her of how Granna had once told her of a lad called Denny. Granna had been engaged to him and then he’d been killed in a mining disaster. How d
id that feel? A shudder rippled through her that wasn’t due to the cold. Would she know the same thing to happen? No! Not Richard!
With this fear came the realization that she’d rather it was Billy that was taken, and a shameful feeling that threatened to eat into the heart of her. But it didn’t stop her begging God to keep Richard safe, and to make it possible for them to be together one day. It happened for Granna, didn’t it? Not that it was the same, but she’d loved Denny, hadn’t she? Then, after losing him, she’d found love again. Oh God, it was like she was willing Billy to die – and her carrying his babby an’ all. Not that she hadn’t wished all of this before, but Billy didn’t seem to deserve her to wish it now.
Her thoughts went to the day after their wedding, when he’d come in from his walk. He’d said he’d got caught up in the pub, but there had been something different about him. She couldn’t put her finger on what, but it showed in his love-making that night, and every night after. He’d done things to her – things she never knew men and women did together. Thinking of them, her cheeks flushed and a trickle of anticipation sparked deep inside her. There, that proved she did love him. But then why hadn’t she missed him, like she should have? Because she hadn’t. But then the thought occurred to her that her body had missed his making love to her. Shocked at this thought, she shook it from her. Reet, come on, get yourself home, lass. The right one or not, Billy will be coming home. They would be sharing just a few hours of married life together, and then he would be gone again. She’d to live with that, as it was to be her life’s pattern for God knew how long.
For the rest of her walk home she concentrated on praying hard for Billy’s safety and for everything to be all right between them while he was home.
As she lifted the latch to her door, the enormity of what had happened hit her again as she realized that her granna had never made it to her cottage since it had been done up for her and Billy. And now she never would.