Katie Opens Her Heart

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Mamm groaned and rose. “We will speak no more about this tonight. I have words to share that are best spoken in the daylight.”

  “I had a wunderbah time, and I did nothing wrong,” Katie said.

  “I’ve been praying while you were gone,” Mamm said. “And we will have to do something about this. I don’t know exactly what yet, but I can’t lose you, Katie.”

  “You haven’t lost me!” Katie tugged on Mamm’s arm. “If you want to sit down, I’ll tell you all about my evening. Please, Mamm.”

  Mamm sat back down, and Katie spoke rapidly. “There were all these young people there. Girls I had never met before, and they came up to shake my hand and ask me how I was doing. We played volleyball, much like we do at our youth gatherings. The young people on both sides of me spoke with me while we played.”

  “There were boys, weren’t there?” Mamm asked, still not looking at Katie.

  “Yah, it was Roy’s birthday party, so boys were invited. But the boys didn’t do anything wrong, and neither did I.”

  Mamm was looking at her now, the lines even deeper on her face.

  “Everyone was awfully nice,” Katie insisted. “And we had cake and ice cream afterward. The boy whose birthday it was even thanked me for coming, when it should have been me thanking him for inviting me. Oh Mamm, you don’t know how wunderbah it was to be accepted and talked to. I can’t tell you even half of it.”

  “Come then,” Mamm said, getting to her feet. “This is even worse than I’d imagined.”

  “But we did nothing wrong!” Katie repeated. “And I was so happy with these young people. I want to go back again. They invited me, and Esther said she would take me. Don’t you want me to be happy? Please, Mamm?”

  Mamm stopped in front of the stair door and opened it. “Just go to bed, Katie. You’ve had enough excitement for one night. Those young people have apparently made a big impression on you, but the feelings you experienced won’t last. What we have here is real, not what’s out there in the world. I hope you’ll see that before it’s too late.”

  “I want to be happy,” Katie said quietly. “And I want you to be happy like I was happy tonight.”

  Mamm kissed Katie on the cheek. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Those people have addled your brain. Go to sleep now, and we’ll talk about it later.”

  Katie sighed and slipped up the stairs, stopping at the door to her room to look back at her mamm, who was still waiting at the bottom of the staircase and holding the kerosene lamp in her hand.

  “Good night,” Katie said to the silent form before entering her room. Mamm would never change her mind about the Mennonites. Never in a million years. And yet Katie knew she wanted to go back…needed to go back. And she had to keep praying that Mamm would open her heart to Da Hah’s grace. I need a daett, and Mamm needs a husband.

  Chapter Twenty

  Emma sat on the edge of her bed listening to the silence of the house around her. Katie would be asleep upstairs by now, but Emma couldn’t sleep. Not after hearing what Katie had to say about her evening with the Mennonites. Her daughter had not only entered a serious stage of rebellion, but she was enjoying it. What was a mamm supposed to do?

  She looked at the empty side of the big bed where Ezra used to lay all those years ago. His voice echoing Katie’s words still haunted her, causing waves of guilt to wash through her mind. How could she be so wrong? It seemed almost impossible to believe, and yet it must be true. Even while she kept on telling Katie the same things she always had. It was all so confusing, between Katie attending the Mennonite youth gatherings, and thinking that Ezra wouldn’t approve of the way she was living.

  Emma pushed the thoughts of Ezra away. She would have to find the strength to get through this problem. But how? She could be strong, but strong was no longer gut enough. She could give Katie lectures, but she’d already tried that. She could appeal to their love for each other, but Katie already knew that. Besides, it seemed to make no difference.

  Emma stood and paced the floor of the bedroom. She soon moved out to the kitchen. Here she’d found peace an hour ago praying for Katie. She’d even dropped off for a few minutes of sleep. Perhaps she could find calm here again. She had to. Life couldn’t be lived in the confusion that was tearing her heart apart. Dropping to her knees, Emma tried to pray, but she could only groan as Katie’s face rose before her. How happy she had looked when she arrived home. Oh, how deceiving the world out there was! How could an innocent girl like Katie be expected to withstand its charms?

  And Katie wasn’t to blame really. She was only reacting to what her life had been so far. The blame is mine, Emma thought. She should have seen this coming and done something about it. She should have known Katie would be tempted. After all, Emma had been tempted when she was young. Tempted to love someone who would never love her back. But not even in her wildest dreams of loving Daniel Kauffman had Emma stepped out of the Amish faith.

  Emma searched her mind for answers. Perhaps she should have allowed Katie to attend more of the Amish youth gatherings. Katie might have become a bigger part of the community and felt less alone and neglected. She might never have been lured in by Mennonite young people.

  Emma groaned and got to her feet. She grabbed her shawl from the living room closet and walked outside. The late moon hung over the horizon as Emma stood on the front porch. Its pale light reached halfway across the wooden floor. Emma moved over to the shadows where the swing was. She sat down. Holding still, she wrapped her shawl around her shoulders.

  She looked across the front lawn and tried to pray again, but no words of praise or plea would come. Instead, words of complaint formed in her mind. She couldn’t allow that. Da Hah did what He did, and it was always for the best. Yet how could that be? How could Ezra’s death have been for the best? Had he lived, this would not be happening. She was sure of it. Yet Ezra was with God and His angels even now walking on streets of gold. He knew only happiness and joy. He was wearing the crown Da Hah had no doubt given him when he arrived—a crown well deserved for his life of righteous faith lived on this earth. Ezra had even believed love would come to her frozen heart long before Da Hah had used Katie to accomplish the task. For that faith alone, Ezra must be wearing a crown several feet high.

  Emma gazed at the moon for long moments. Apparently Ezra still thought love could grow in her heart again. Be how could that be true? She had frozen her heart solid for too many years.

  And she was now left to walk on this earth with only Katie as a companion. That had seemed gut to her for all these years. She’d been strong, and there had been enough mercy from Da Hah to live on. But none of this was gut enough now. Not if she lost Katie. Life wouldn’t be worth living, and losing her would forever lay on her conscience. How could she look forward to the day when she would see Ezra again? A look of disappointment would be on his face for sure now. She believed Ezra would have been told what had happened before she arrived—that Katie had been lost. And Emma wouldn’t receive a heavenly crown after such a failure.

  Emma moved the swing with her feet as sobs racked her chest. The soft groanings of the wooden slats under her were like the rumblings in her soul. Emma drew comfort from the sound. At least something in this world understood her agony and shared the pain. Oh, she would do almost anything to win Katie back. Almost anything!

  That thought hung in the night air for a moment. Anything? Would she really do anything? What was anything? Going to talk with Deacon Elmer? Nee, that wouldn’t do any gut. Making a trip to Lancaster to speak with her brothers whom she hadn’t seen in quite a few years years? Emma shook her head. They wouldn’t know what to do. No doubt their own children were into rumspringa, and they would tell her to take a deep breath and calm down. They’d tell her things would get better after awhile. But things wouldn’t get better. She was certain of that. She knew Katie, and Katie was very serious about what she was doing.

  What gut was there in being willing to do anything when there
was so little she could do? Emma pondered the question. No doubt many a parent had been where she was now. They had been willing to cross the ocean on a paddleboat, crawl a hundred miles on their knees, disgrace themselves in front of their entire communities if only their child could be brought back to them.

  What she needed was someone to stand by her side, Emma decided. Someone who could feel what she was feeling. Someone who would be as desperate as she was about saving Katie. Someone who could share her groans. Perhaps even someone who could find the words to pray when she couldn’t. Did she have someone like that? Yes! The thought raced through her mind. Emma leaped to her feet. Behind her the swing swung sideways against the house, hitting with a loud whack. Emma’s hands flew to her mouth. “Not Jesse Mast!” she said out loud. But he wanted to marry her, didn’t he? He had come over twice now. And he would care about Katie, wouldn’t he? And he would pray for her. He would offer advice in words Katie would understand. Jesse did so for his own children. And wouldn’t Ezra approve of this? He certainly wouldn’t approve of how she was living now.

  More thoughts flew through Emma’s head like busy bees buzzing around their hive. She’d just said she would do anything to save Katie, hadn’t she? But this? She couldn’t again marry a man she didn’t love. Yah, the last time Da Hah had given mercy, and love for Ezra had come eventually. But she had been innocent then. Now she knew what it was to feel that deep stir in her heart, that longing for a man’s attention. Nee, she could never open her heart to another man.

  Yet…could she…would she…consider it for Katie’s sake? And there had been Ezra’s voice so clearly spoken that night on the basement steps. After all these years of protecting her heart? It was almost too much to imagine. There would have to be a miracle to change her heart. There was no question about that. Emma lifted pleading eyes toward the porch ceiling. What was she to do? She had to save Katie. She had to. But how could she do this great wrong against a godly man like Jesse? He wanted to marry a woman who would eventually love him. But even if she were willing to wed, that was something she couldn’t promise. What if the miracle didn’t happen the second time? What if it wasn’t like it had been with Ezra?

  Emma paced in and out of the moonlight. She saw the faces of Jesse’s children pass in front of her. She remembered them one by one. Leroy, the oldest, who sat in the church services, his face stern just as the elder child’s should be. That spoke of a father who knew how to raise godly children. Her hands trembled.

  She kept going, running the list of Jesse’s children through her mind. Willis was the tallest one even though he wasn’t the eldest. Mabel was taking care of the whole household by herself since her mamm had passed. Many times Emma had driven by their place in the past year and noticed the wash had been done early and was on the line flapping in the wind. No girl who knew how to work so diligently could have a daett who didn’t know how to raise children.

  Jesse’s second girl was named Carolyn. She never seemed to get noticed at church; she usually stood quietly with girls who were her age. And she’d grown even quieter in the year since her mamm had died. Was that not also a sign of a gut daett?

  And the youngest boy—Joel. He’d grown a lot the last time she’d noticed him. He was a well-behaved child, Emma remembered. She sat on the porch swing again. They were all angels, she decided. Especially Joel. She remembered brief glimpses of his face during Sunday services. His head would be in his daett’s lap and he’d be sound asleep during long sermons. Joel didn’t run around the house after the services or need calling down like some of the other boys did. The younger children were the first to be spoiled, she knew, but Joel didn’t seem spoiled.

  Indeed, Jesse must be a very gut daett. She could see nothing but positive signs of it. And this was the same Jesse who asked her hand in marriage! Emma leaped to her feet again, this time the swing whacking the back of her legs. “I can’t believe I’m considering this,” she said aloud. And yet Emma knew she was. Not just for Katie’s sake, but for her own as well. Emma limped into the full moonlight and lifted her face to the heavens. “Oh Gott im Himmel, how could You forgive me for what I’ve done?”

  Emma answered her question with a groan. “Forgive me for what I’ve done. Speak to Katie please, Da Hah, even as she is sleeping. Touch her heart with repentance. Let her see the wrong way she’s traveling and how she’s hurting people much more than she knows. Help me, please, as I try to change.”

  Emma waited, but the weight on her heart remained. “Please let Your will be done, even when I am so weak,” Emma prayed. She took one last look around before she went back inside the house. She left her shawl lying on the living room couch, went into her bedroom, and slipped into bed. She must think no more of her troubles tonight. She pulled the covers tight against her chin and finally drifted off into an exhausted sleep.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  The following morning Jesse sat at the breakfast table finishing the last of his eggs and bacon. He filled his bowl with steaming oatmeal and added some brown sugar and cream. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that Mabel was watching him. She would be worrying about the food, no doubt, wondering if the eggs had been done like Mamm used to make them.

  “Everything’s great!” he said with a smile.

  “Was the bacon okay? Not too crisp?”

  “Yah, dear. It was done to perfection. I like it crisp. Both you and Carolyn are doing an excellent job keeping the house.”

  Mabel’s face still looked concerned. “Smell the oatmeal before you taste it, Daett. It may be burned.”

  “It tastes fine to me,” Leroy said from his place on the back bench. He was gulping down each bite.

  “You wouldn’t know if there were charcoals floating in your oatmeal,” Mabel snapped. “So be quiet. I’m asking Daett.”

  Jesse shook his head at him when Leroy opened his mouth to snap back.

  “It’s fine, Mabel,” Jesse said. “I keep on saying that, but you don’t believe me. Both of you girls do very gut with the housework.”

  Mabel didn’t look satisfied. Her bowl was sitting empty while she watched him.

  Jesse lifted his spoon to his mouth. Yah, it was burned a little. Millie would have known to take the oatmeal off the top and not scrape the bottom of the pan when serving it. Should he tell Mabel? It wasn’t that bad, just a bit scorched.

  “It’s not bad,” he offered.

  “You have to tell me the truth, Daett.” Mabel had tears welling in her eyes. “I can take it.”

  “I’ve never seen such a crybaby in my life!” Leroy declared. “The girl is ruining what little breakfast we do have.”

  “Okay, that’s enough out of you!” Jesse said. “This oatmeal does have a little burnt flavor to it, but it’s not that serious. You’re doing fine, Mabel. Next time don’t scrape the bottom with your spoon if you think it’s been on the stove too long.”

  Mabel smiled a little and then made a face at Leroy after she dried her eyes. “At least I don’t come stomping into the house with my boots full of manure like you do. When you start seeing a girl, I’m going to tell her how you stink up the whole house and how you’ll do the same once you’re married.”

  Jesse laughed, hiding the sound with a loud clearing of his throat. The girl had a cutting tongue—though funny now, it might not feel so humorous to her future husband.

  “I’d not do anything like that,” Jesse said to Mabel. He turned to Leroy. “And stop teasing your sister. She’s doing the best she can.”

  Leroy grunted and finished his oatmeal in silence.

  Jesse continued with his oatmeal too. His face grew long again at this latest example of the problems he faced. Not only did he need a frau, but his children needed a mamm. He was trying to take care of that need with his visits to Emma, but so far neither his children nor Emma were obliging.

  He’d dreamed of Emma last night. She’d been sitting somewhere in her house with tears in her eyes. There had been a rush of night air as he was running arou
nd the outside of the house trying to catch her attention. Around him the sound of buggies going somewhere echoed loudly. Over all that, he’d been sure he saw the light of a kerosene lamp playing on Emma’s face as she wept over a great sorrow. It was very confusing, and dreams rarely meant anything anyway, he decided. He didn’t need a dream to know Emma had a soft heart under those stern lines on her face. How he knew, he wasn’t sure, but he did. She would look beautiful if she smiled more often…

  Jesse finished the last spoonful of his oatmeal as the sounds of buggy wheels came from the driveway. Mabel was the first to jump to her feet and rush to the window.

  “It’s Ruth!” Mabel exclaimed.

  Jesse groaned. Now what was that woman coming around for again? He’d almost begun to raise his hopes that he’d been wrong in his opinion of her. Perhaps Ruth had the sense after all to stay away. But obviously she didn’t.

  “She’s getting out of the buggy,” Mabel said, as if that were some great accomplishment.

  Of course she’s coming in, Jesse almost said. She wants to be your mamm. But he kept the words in his mouth. The woman was teacher to his two youngest children, and they needed to respect her.

  “I’m going outside to meet her!” Carolyn shouted as she raced toward the front door.

  Leroy glared after Carolyn, but he didn’t say anything.

  Jesse saw the look and figured Leroy was as much in favor of Ruth’s intentions as the rest were. He just didn’t like the interruption this was sure to bring to the morning routine.

  “She’s taking something out of the buggy!” Mabel hollered.

  A twinkle came into Leroy’s eyes.

  “She bringing in pies!” Mabel announced, heading for the front door.

  Jesse stood up and pushed his chair back. Leroy was laughing now, his earlier irritation apparently forgotten. The boy had way too much figured out, Jesse thought. But then Ruth’s intentions weren’t much of a riddle. She was about as devious as a bale of hay coming down the hay chute. She smacked you upside the head, leaving no doubt as to what she was up to. The problem was Ruth thought she was running in the dark. All the while her buggy lights were on and shining brightly.