Katie Opens Her Heart

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Leroy and Willis stayed at the table, but Jesse headed for the front door. Little Joel followed him, all smiles as he jumped up and down when Ruth came up the front porch steps.

  “How is everybody?” Ruth asked with a laugh as she gathered Joel in her arms. Mabel and Carolyn stood smiling near the top step.

  Ruth set a large plastic pie carrier with at least three pies on the porch floor. Jesse’s mouth watered at the sight even with his best efforts to do otherwise. He bent down to peer through the plastic. One of the pies looked like it might be pecan. They all looked absolutely delicious. He opened his mouth to say so, but caught himself. There was no way Ruth Troyer’s tricks were going to work on him. It would take more than pecan pies to get into his gut graces. At least the kind of graces needed to say marriage vows.

  Ruth reached over to give Carolyn a long hug before letting go to fuss with a piece of hair sticking out the front of Carolyn’s kapp.

  “My, my!” Ruth exclaimed. “Someone didn’t wash your hair very well on Saturday night.”

  Jesse almost laughed. Ruth had been seeing Carolyn all week and hadn’t noticed her hair until she came up on his front porch.

  Mabel looked horrified. “Oh, Ruth! I do the best I can. And so does Carolyn. But it’s hard to know exactly what to do sometimes.”

  “Now, now,” Ruth cooed. “I know it can’t be helped. But you’ll be learning how to do these things well before too long…I hope.”

  Ruth looked over Mabel’s shoulder at Jesse, her eyes accusing, as if she blamed him for this situation.

  “The girls need a mamm,” he admitted. “We all miss Millie a lot.”

  “Of course. We all do,” Ruth said mournfully. “But we can’t question the ways of Da Hah. He takes away with one hand what He gives with the other. That’s what I told myself when Homer up and died on me. I must say it comforted my soul something awful during those terrible hours and days.”

  “I see you’ve brought pies,” Jesse said, changing the subject. “You know you didn’t have to. The girls are doing a gut job keeping the household going.”

  “That’s what you tell yourself.” Ruth moved closer to him. “But I hear the other side of the story at school from Carolyn and Joel. Not that they complain, but running a household was never a burden Da Hah meant to be laid on the shoulders of two such young girls.”

  Jesse pulled back a step. “I know that. I’ve been praying about the matter, but Da Hah has not yet opened the door for another mamm for the children…or a frau for myself.”

  Ruth glared at him. “I say a man can do too much praying about that matter. As I told Homer many a time, sometimes a thing’s so plain it makes a man almost blind.”

  “I guess,” Jesse allowed. He saw things plain enough. It would only take about two months to get Ruth to say the marriage vows with him. Likely sooner if he allowed her to hurry the wedding preparations. The problem still remained though. He just wasn’t interested. Ruth’s face changed to a smile now, the effort quick and effective. The woman could change expressions faster than a cloud’s shadow racing across summer-kissed ground.

  “I’m glad to see you’re taking the matter seriously, Jesse,” Ruth said. “Remember, Da Hah always supplies manna from heaven wherever the need is.” When Jesse remained silent, Ruth continued. “Well, I had better be getting on now. I like to get to the school early, before anyone else gets there. Up before dawn, the Good Book says. That’s where the blessing of Da Hah lies.”

  Jesse watched Ruth go down the steps, not sure what to say or do other than stare at the offering of pies she’d left on the porch. They did look awfully gut.

  Mabel must have thought he’d lost all his manners. She hollered across the lawn, “Thank you, Ruth, for these wonderful pies. What kind are they?”

  “Peach, apple, and pecan!” Ruth rattled off without looking back over her shoulder. “I stayed up late last night baking so they would be fresh this morning.”

  “You didn’t have to,” Mabel hollered after Ruth. “But pecan is Daett’s favorite. That’ll be the first pie I learn how to make for him.”

  Jesse caught himself before he groaned out loud. Mabel had no idea what she’d just said. Now there would be no getting rid of the woman. She’d be stopping in every week with her offering of pecan pies.

  Ruth turned around, beaming. She hollered back, “I didn’t know which one would be the best, so that’s why you have several different kinds to choose from. But now I know. I hope someone will be willing to eat the others.”

  “Leroy and Willis eat anything!” Mabel called. She waved before picking up the pie canister. “I’ll have this washed and send it back with Carolyn tomorrow.”

  “Take your time,” Ruth yelled back, dismissing Mabel’s comment with a wave of her own. “I’ll see you later, Joel and Carolyn. And you too, Jesse.”

  Jesse left the two youngest standing on the front porch waving to Ruth as he went inside the house. Mabel followed him carrying the pie canister.

  “Don’t you think she’d make the perfect mamm for us?” Mabel said softly. “She brought you pecan pie—your favorite.”

  Jesse groaned aloud this time. The situation had just become intolerable.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  The day after the Mennonite youth gathering, Mamm’s face was still drawn as if she hadn’t slept all night. Katie noticed and did her best to make the morning go easy. She’d gotten up early and started on the barn chores. Then she came inside to prepare breakfast. Now she was helping Mamm clean up after the meal.

  Katie considered that bearing up under Mamm’s continued disapproval was going to be more difficult than she’d imagined. Yet there had been such happiness in her heart when she returned from the youth gathering last night. There would be no turning back. If she could only explain to Mamm that nothing sinful had happened. That all she’d done was talk with some Mennonite girls and boys and spoken briefly with Roy Coblenz, the boy who had invited her. She hadn’t done anything wrong. In fact, Da Hah was leading her, and she was going to trust Him.

  How could feeling happy be wrong? How could it be evil to want the attention and acceptance of friends? Did Mamm really think it was? How could she? Mamm seemed to think acceptance couldn’t be found anywhere but among her own people or here at home with her. That’s what the real problem was. But even if she knew how to explain this, Mamm probably still wouldn’t believe her daughter was right.

  Should she try one more time? Katie glanced toward Mamm, who was wiping the top of the kitchen table. It was no use, Katie decided. Only an apology and a vow to never attend another Mennonite gathering would bring a smile back to Mamm’s face. And even then, Mamm probably wouldn’t trust her right away. She would want proof that Katie meant to follow through.

  And if the truth were told, Katie probably couldn’t stay away from the Mennonite youth gatherings even if she did promise her mamm. Her heart was already longing to see Margaret and Sharon again. What a joy it would be to hear their happy chatter and see the happiness in their eyes as they spoke with her. They thought she was a perfectly normal human being. They didn’t know she was known as Emma Raber’s daughter and what that meant. Likely they had never even heard of the odd widow Raber of the community. They accepted Katie for who she was on her own.

  Mamm cleared her throat, and Katie froze. “I don’t suppose you’ve changed your mind about attending the Mennonite youth gatherings, have you?” she asked.

  Oh, Mamm, please, Katie wanted to beg. Didn’t you see how much joy was on my face last night? Instead, she took a deep breath and said, “I’m sorry for the trouble I’m causing you, Mamm. I really am.”

  “Then please come back to me, Katie.” Mamm came over and wrapped her arms around Katie, pulling her close. “And I’ll try to change the things I’ve been doing wrong.”

  Katie hugged her back even though her heart was pounding in her ears.

  “It’s that job at Byler’s that’s partly to blame,” Mamm continued. “It�
��s exposing you to these temptations. I wish you’d quit.”

  Why did she have to decide between breaking Mamm’s heart or her own? Katie wondered. “I’m not going to quit Byler’s, Mamm. And I’m still with you,” Katie said quietly. “Is it so wrong to feel happy when someone likes you?”

  Mamm let go a bit to hold Katie at arm’s length. “I love you Katie. I’ve always loved you.”

  “It’s important to me that others also love me.” Katie struggled for more words. How could she explain this to Mamm?

  Weariness crossed Mamm’s face. “But the Mennonites, Katie? Da Hah has given us each other.”

  Katie clung to Mamm’s hands. There was no use explaining or trying to justify herself. Her words would only tear at Mamm’s heart.

  Mamm turned to sit down. She pulled a handkerchief out of her dress pocket and dried her eyes. “I know I haven’t done everything right with you. I just wish you weren’t going through this rebellious stage. I never had to, and I turned out okay. Look how Da Hah sent me your daett to love even after what I’d done. I was happy with my life. Why can’t you be?”

  “I’m sorry,” Katie whispered. “I can’t be happy with your life because it’s not my life. That’s not how Da Hah has willed it.” It was no use saying more, even if she could find something more to say. And she was already late leaving for work. Katie squeezed Mamm’s hand and left the kitchen to go to her bedroom. Minutes later she came down dressed for work. Mamm was still sitting at the kitchen table, dabbing her eyes. Katie almost rushed over to her, but she forced herself to walk out the front door.

  If she stayed, they would only talk in circles again, and Mamm wouldn’t understand anyway. And Katie really did need to be at Byler’s on time. And she certainly wasn’t going to quit working there. Byler’s had been the doorway through which this new life had come to her, and closing it would be like turning her back on what she’d experienced. On that point Mamm was right. The job at Byler’s was to blame—but it was to blame for gut things.

  Katie hurried toward the barn and harnessed Sparky. Leading him outside, she swung him under the shafts and hitched him up. Katie pulled herself up into the buggy. Slapping the reins gently against Sparky’s back, she drove down the lane. Looking back at the house, she saw the shadow of Mamm standing behind the drapes of the living room window to watch her leave.

  Mamm does love me, Katie told herself, her breath coming in sobs now. They loved each other, and somehow they would make their way through this hard time without destroying each other. How was that to be done? Mamm was already being destroyed from the looks of things. And Katie was afraid she’d be if she listened to Mamm.

  Not attending the Mennonite youth gatherings again would be like crawling into a deep, dark hole after seeing the light of the morning sun rising over the horizon. She hadn’t known how dark her life had been until last night. Now there could only be a going forward. Surely Da Hah would look down and have mercy on a poor girl and her mamm who didn’t know how to keep the love they had between them from slipping away.

  Katie passed two buggies. Although her eyes were blinded with tears, she waved to whomever it was. She saw no hand waving back, but it didn’t matter this morning. What mattered were the things happening inside her. She was being asked to leave what she loved to seize the feelings that drew her heart.

  Katie wiped her eyes as she pulled into the parking lot at Byler’s. Arlene’s buggy was already there, so Katie unhitched Sparky and rushed inside. Hopefully Arlene wouldn’t notice she’d been crying. Katie took a quick look around and saw no one. She rushed to the bathroom in the back, sneaking around one aisle when she saw Arlene ahead deep in conversation with Mrs. Cole.

  Katie splashed cold water on her face once and dried with a paper towel. She looked in the mirror at the unsatisfactory results. There were still splotches of red under her eyes. Katie ran her finger over her cheek, remembering Mamm standing behind the living room window drapes and almost burst into tears again. She choked back the sobs and washed her face again. It looked worse now, so she gave up and marched out with her head up and a smile pasted on her face. Perhaps if she acted confident and cheerful, no one would notice.

  Katie heard Arlene and Mrs. Cole’s voices ahead of her, and she kept her head turned away as she came around the corner.

  “Good morning!” Mrs. Cole called out.

  Katie stopped and forced a smile as she turned to her boss. “Gut morning,” Katie returned.

  “We’re almost ready to open,” Mrs. Cole said, glancing at her watch.

  “Yah, I’m ready,” Katie said as she hesitated before heading on. Mrs. Cole was again deep in conversation with Arlene. Katie gathered herself together, and took her place behind the register. Da Hah had been with her, she told herself. No embarrassing scene had occurred, and soon her eyes wouldn’t show any signs of redness.

  Katie smiled to the customers coming in, giving little waves of her hand. No one seemed to notice her misery, and she began to breathe easier.

  “How are you this morning?” Arlene asked from behind her.

  Katie jumped.

  Arlene laughed. “Scared you, huh? Or are you feeling guilty about that Mennonite birthday party I heard you went to last night?”

  “I’m not feeling guilty,” Katie said at once. “I had a gut time. And they are the nicest people I’ve ever met in my life.”

  “Whoa there!” Arlene laughed again. “Did Roy Coblenz ask you home or something?”

  “Of course not,” Katie shot back. “But he was quite nice to me, and he’s very gut looking.”

  Arlene eyes got bigger. “Why, Katie Raber! You’re changing right in front of my eyes. I do declare, you even have rosy cheeks this morning. Have you fallen in love? Just like that?”

  Katie thought of laughing, but she didn’t. “I’m not in love.” Well, she might be in love—with Ben Stoll. But it probably wasn’t love if the other person didn’t love you back. Katie’s ears perked up as Arlene went on.

  “Talking about love, listen to this. Ruth Troyer has been talking openly at the women’s sewing about how widower Jesse Mast needs a new mamm for his children. She just talked on and on about it last week, my mamm said. John Yoder’s wife finally asked her right out why she doesn’t make herself available. Mamm said Ruth kind of held her head in the air, like she’d already thought of that idea and planned to do something about it. That’s one bold woman, I say, setting her kapp for Jesse. But then who knows what a person would do if she were getting older like Ruth and didn’t have many options available.”

  Katie caught herself before she gasped aloud. She must not reveal that Mamm was affected by this in any way. If Arlene found out that Jesse had been over to their house twice to speak with Mamm of marriage, this would really set the women’s tongues to wagging. And neither her mamm nor she needed such a thing happening on top of everything else that was going on. Katie turned away from Arlene and opened her register in hopes a customer would come quickly to her station. As if in answer to her wish, a woman came out of the bread aisle and headed straight for Katie’s register.

  “Well, talk to you later,” Arlene said as another customer approached Arlene’s register.

  Katie took a deep breath. She smiled at the woman in front of her as she began scanning the grocery items.

  At least for now Da Hah seemed to be looking out for her.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Jesse drove his buggy through the falling dusk, keeping Lucy on the right side of the road as an Englisha car approached. He let the lines go slack as Lucy moved away from the ditch once the vehicle passed. He stared off toward the horizon. The silence of the evening hung heavy in the air. There wasn’t much of a sunset, Jesse noticed. Just a clear sky with the sun disappearing from sight. Clouds would add color—not that he liked clouds in the sky—but Da Hah did make them for a purpose.

  A slight smile crept onto Jesse’s face. If clouds added color to one’s life, then he must have color running all
the way through his right now. He’d left Mabel in tears back at the house after he told her where he was going. There’d been no reason to hide his destination. Mabel would find out anyway. He figured if he told Mabel ahead of time, the news would be easier to take. But he’d been wrong. And now he was deliberately seeing a woman his children objected to. And on top of that, a woman who didn’t want to see him.

  He was a fool, he supposed, to even make another try with Emma. But his hopes remained high. Perhaps Emma would listen to reason tonight. The problem was he had no new reasons to give her. Just the old ones—all of them already rejected by Emma. He’d already said, “I think Da Hah wants us together” and “I find a love stirring in my heart for you.”

  Jesse sighed, thinking about it. He couldn’t get all mushy with words again tonight. But he could ask Emma straight out to marry him. If there was anything he’d learned from his relationship with Millie, it was to follow his heart. And Da Hah had stirred his heart in Emma’s direction. He was certain of that.

  His feelings must not cause him to act like a teenager in love. That much he knew. Jesse smiled at the thought of love-struck teenagers and how they pursued each other with constant glances and mushy words. Nee, that wasn’t how he felt about Emma, but his affection for her was genuine and would make for a happy marriage—if only she could see it.

  He could always ask for Ruth’s hand in marriage. He’d thought long and hard about the matter again. She was obviously available, and the children loved her. She would make a decent wife, he supposed, although she didn’t stir his heart the way Emma did. The woman did know how to cook. The pecan pie she’d brought over certainly had been lip-smacking gut. Perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad to have pecan pie every week. He might fatten up with such gut eating, but he could use some fattening. Jesse looked down at his stomach and smiled. “It’ll take more than pecan pie, I’m afraid,” he said out loud. Lucy twirled one ear back as if she were listening.