Fangs for Nothing (Vampire Hunting and Other Foolish Endeavors)

by Adrianne Ambrose

  The Chosen drew back in horror; the beefy boys released me and turned away; Aerony fell to her knees, buried her face in her hands, and screamed. “No!” Lowering her arms and rising up, she jerked her head toward Xander. “I’m going to kill you!” she shrieked, her eyes blazing red. “I will never stop killing you! I will kill your family! I will kill everyone in your life!”

  Aerony’s lips began to curl back. At first I thought they were contorted by grief, but it looked more like when a dog begins to growl. Her teeth, normally so smooth and white like peppermint Chiclets, became jagged and long. Her canine teeth especially took on an abnormal length. Perhaps it was the trauma of watching her creator die, but there was not a doubt in my mind that Aerony had made the change into a fully formed vampire.

  She glared at Xander with her enormous predator eyes. A long tongue snaked out of her mouth running along her broken knife-blade teeth. Her muscles contracted, and I knew she was coiling to spring across the throne and rip out Xander’s throat. “No,” croaked from my mouth, my hand scrabbling at the floor in search of the stake I had dropped. I couldn’t let her kill Xander.

  My protest drew the creature’s attention, and I could feel her feline eyes taking me in. She laughed in delight, causing her lips to draw even further back from her teeth.

  That’s when I plunged the stake into her chest.

  I can’t say I did it deliberately. It was more like me flailing my arm in a defensive gesture and happening to find the stake in my hand. It didn’t penetrate very deep, but it did cause Aerony some pain and temporarily interrupted her plan to eviscerate me.

  “Sherbie! Ram it in deeper!” Xander shouted. He was already leaping over the bloody thrown to come to my aid. Using the heel of my hand, I rammed at the stake, and it sank a couple of inches deeper into the vampire’s chest.

  Aerony let out a loud gasp. Her demon vampire-from-hell appearance quickly faded away, and she was her beautiful self once more. This made me feel hideous, of course, even though ten seconds earlier she had intended to kill me. Xander came flying over the throne with a mighty leap. He landed in a crouch and immediately sprang up, giving Aerony’s stake an extra whack for good measure. The third blow caused the wood to protrude from her back, so it was clear she had been staked properly.

  The beautiful vampire fell to the floor, her loveliness melting as she crumpled. Her eyes became smaller and her cheekbones less pronounced. Her lustrous hair grew brittle and dry. Her ebony skin appeared chalky and coarse. Still, I had never intended to kill anyone, let alone a woman, and I felt sick as I watched her fade. “I’m sorry,” I whispered as I knelt over her.

  Aerony’s hands flew to her cheeks, tears spilling from her eyes. “My face,” she cried. “My beautiful face.” She was quickly shrinking down to a gawky young girl, and in another few seconds, she was gone.

  “You bastards!” one of the Chosen screamed. “How could you?” It was Maureen. She shoved her way through the stunned crowded and flung herself at the bloody clothing that was once Vincent, burying her hands in the mess.

  “Maureen,” I said, reaching for her shoulder to try to comfort her.

  “No.” She lashed out at me. “Get the hell away from me. You’re going to regret this.” she glared at me. “You’re going to regret this for the rest of your life.” Jerking her head around to face the beefy boys, who had all gathered together and were talking quietly amongst themselves, she said, “Grab these assholes. We’re not letting Vincent’s death go unavenged.”

  Xander scooped up the crowbar from where he’d left it earlier, and we both started backing away. Unfortunately, the beefy boys were between us and the exit. Fortunately, the vampire’s bodyguards were still a little stunned and didn’t immediately come after us.

  “What are you waiting for? I said grab them,” Maureen yelled, trying to force the guards into action with the harshness of her voice.

  The largest of the beefy boys gave her a funny look. “No.”

  Maureen was obviously not expecting this reply. Her face fell a little. “What?”

  “No,” the beefy man repeated. “We’re not grabbing anyone. Not ever again. We’re getting the hell out of here.”

  “But aren’t you upset?” Rini asked, cautiously taking a few steps toward him from where she was cowering with Lana. “Vincent is dead.”

  “I know. Thank God.” The beefy boys all look sincerely relieved.

  Maureen turned her anger on them. “You treacherous dogs. What are you talking about?”

  “We didn’t want to be here,” the big man explained. “We were doing a cross country tour when Vincent and Aerony came to one of our shows. Afterwards, they invited us to a party under the bridge. I don’t know what they did to us, but we just couldn’t leave no matter how hard we tried. It’s been like three years of being stuck down here serving some stupid vampire.”

  “You guys are in a band?” Rini asked.

  “No, we’re dancers. Like the Chippendales.”

  “You guys are Chippendales?” That did explain their all-brawn, no-brain appearance.

  The big man shook his head. “We’re in a dance group that is similar to the Chippendales.” He flexed one of his already bulging biceps and flashed Rini a flirty grin. “We put on shows for the ladies.”

  “Let’s get going,” another beefy boy said to the big man. “We’ve got to call Freddy and see if he can get us any new gigs.”

  “I’ve got to call my mom,” another beefy boy added.

  “We’ve stood up so many bachelorette parties.” The big man shook his head. “I bet our Yelp reviews are in the toilet.” Calling to the other faux-Chippendales, he said, “Come on. Let’s go see if we can scrape together our careers.” The group of them started shuffling toward the passageway that led to the exit, and the Chosen parted to let them through. Before leaving, the big man caught Xander’s eye. “I don’t know how you did it,” he said, “but thanks. I’ve wanted to kill that bastard vampire for a long time.”

  Maureen began to sob. She’d sifted through the silk and muck of what was formerly Vincent to find the gold signet ring he wore on his left pinky. She reverently lifted the ring to her lips, leaving a bloody stain on her mouth. Sliding the ring on her middle finger, she got to her feet. “We are Vincent’s Chosen,” she addressed the others. “He could have made his choice from anyone in the city. Anyone in the country. Did he choose arrogant frat boys and conceited cheerleaders to be his companions? No, he chose us. He honored us. And he gave us all the gifts it was in his power to give.” The Chosen appeared to be absorbed in what she was saying, so I shot Xander a look that we should grab the girls and move a little closer to the exit. As nonchalantly as possible, we shuffled toward Lana and Rini. Maureen went on. “We need to show Vincent our loyalty, even though he’s gone. We need to avenge his death.”

  “The hell with that,” Rini said. “He was a blood-sucking vampire. He cast a spell over all of us. We should just be grateful that we’re still alive.”

  “You are a traitor to Vincent!” Maureen yelled, pointing at Rini, her hand still dripping with the vampire’s blood.

  “And you’re a nut job,” Rini fired back. “Come on, guys.” She nodded toward the rest of us. “Let’s go.” Xander wrapped his arm around Rini’s waist. I grabbed Lana, and we started for the passageway.

  “Wait,” Maureen commanded. And when we did not wait, she tried calling to the Chosen, “Stop them.”

  Some of the Chosen hung back, still deciding on their loyalties, but more than a few looked upset and willing to take their rage out on us. Four or five of the angrier-looking guys stepped forward. Xander still had the crowbar, and he took a warning swipe at the nearest of the Chosen. “Back off,” he warned the guy.

  His future assailant snatched the crowbar out of his hands and whipped it across the room. “Make me,” he smiled.

  “Everybody freeze!” came the blast of a deep male voice squawking over a bullhorn. “Stay where you are. This is the police.”<
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  Chapter 31

  No one listened to the police. Well, everyone heard the police as evidenced by the whole room instantly scattering, but no one obeyed the police. The problem was that there was really only the one exit that wasn’t boarded over. Many of the Chosen used the swarm technique figuring the cops couldn’t grab everyone. Others scrambled to hide behind loveseats or in Vincent’s inner chamber. With the cops temporarily occupied, Xander grabbed a chair and started bashing at the wood that was blocking one of the old doors. I reached in to yank away any broken pieces after each swing, but it must have been a very hard wood because the chair was disintegrating faster than the door. Lana dragged over another chair. “Here, Sherbie. You help smash; Rini and I will pull out the wood.”

  There was a lot of yelling and police whistles blowing and the Chosen stampeding back and forth. Our progress was slow. Whoever the carpenter was that fitted the wood parquet to block the doors was a master craftsman and had done his best work. We weren’t making much progress. There was a hole that was maybe big enough for Rini to shimmy through, but the rest of us were screwed. Xander raised a hand to get my attention. “Hold up.” He pulled Rini toward the hole. “I think you can make it out. Take my keys and go.”

  “No.” Rini crossed her arms and dug in her heels.

  “There’s no time to argue.” Xander tried shoving her, but she resisted.

  “You’re all here because of me. If one of us deserves to take the blame, it’s me. If the cops get us, I’ll tell them it’s my fault.”

  I give Rini points for this because a large part of it was her frickin’ fault. But it also wasn’t a good time to stand around pointing the finger of blame. “Move,” I barked, raising my chair up to smash the door again.

  “Sherbie.” A girl grabbed my shoulder. I assumed it was Lana, but it turned out to be Maureen.

  “What the hell?” I jerked away from her just in case she had a knife or something.

  “If you want to get out of here, follow me,” she yelled over the chaos.

  “Weren’t you just swearing you were going to kill us like five seconds ago? Why should I trust you?”

  “Yeah, sorry about that. I was pretty freaked. But listen, I know a way out of here, and I’m leaving. You coming?”

  The initial scrum that had formed at the mouth of the passageway had thinned out. The police had detained a few kids. Others were falling back to find hiding places in the lair. We were out of options, and I wasn’t looking forward to giving Grandma a call from the police station. “Maureen knows a way out,” I called to the others.

  “Let’s go.” Maureen slipped along the wall to the furthest corner of the room. There was yet another door there blocked over with the parquet woodwork. Running her hand along the edge of the door frame, Maureen flipped a hidden switch, and a panel of the blocked wood popped open. “Go.” She nodded toward Rini who, after a moment’s hesitation, slipped inside. Lana and Xander quickly following.

  I was about to head into the secret passage myself when I glanced at Maureen. She was looking back into the room, taking it all in, her eyes brimming with tears. I reached out and took her hand. It was still sticky with Short Vincent’s blood. “Come on.” I tugged gently and she followed me.

  The vampire’s secret passage was a false wall that left about two feet of space between it and the real wall. Or at least that’s what I glimpsed before Maureen snapped the hidden panel shut and we were engulfed in pitch black.

  It was definitely not a good time to consider claustrophobia as a new personality quirk. Maureen ordered, “Rini, start walking,” and we all shuffled forward, repeatedly bumping into the back of each other and scraping our knuckles on the walls. After about ten feet, the false wood wall disappeared; the passage widened and I could feel tile work.

  A dim light came on. Xander had accessed his phone. “We’re still in the station,” he said.

  Somebody in the lair shouted, and there was the loud crack of splintering wood. “What is that?” said a deep male voice.

  “Some type of secret passage, maybe,” said a second voice. “We’d better check it out.”

  We all started running or trying to run as fast as we could with only a measly cell phone to light our way. Xander herded Rini and Lana in front of him, and I grabbed Violet Maureen by the arm. I didn’t want to deal with one of those scenes from the movies where one person falls, others go back to help, and everyone gets caught. Or killed, depending on what kind of movie you’re watching.

  I could see Rini’s and Lana’s heads as silhouettes in front of the light of Xander’s phone. They both abruptly disappeared, but Lana immediately popped back up again. “Damn it!”

  Rini squealed. “Stairs.”

  Fortunately, the stairs were going up, not down, but I guess Rini smacked her shins pretty good. Xander hooked his arm around her waist for support. “Come on, honey,” he growled, and she started limping forward with him half carrying her. There was a light source from somewhere at the top of the stairs because the higher we climbed, the better I could see where we were headed.

  At the top of the stairs were three large potted palms that were easy enough to skirt. A man rushed passed us in a crisp white apron carrying a tray with plates of spaghetti. My brain stalled for several seconds and then locked into place. We were in Firenze’s Italian restaurant.

  Another waiter hurried past and gave us a funny look. “Can I help you?” he asked.

  “Um, yeah,” Xander told him. “We need a table.”

  The waiter jerked his head toward the front of the restaurant. “You’ve got to talk to the maître d’.”

  Behind a podium stood a debonair little man with a debonair little mustache. “Hi.” Xander flashed his most winning smile. “We’d like a table for five.”

  The maître d’ looked us over. From his face, I concluded we appeared a bit disheveled. “Do you have a reservation?” he asked.

  “Yes.” Xander glad handed him a twenty. “It’s under Andrew Jackson.”

  “Ah, I see it.” The maître d’ grabbed some menus. “This way, Sir.”

  As we were about to slip into the booth, the maître d’ got a good look at Maureen’s blood-covered hands and smeared mouth. “My God. Are you all right?”

  “Uh…” Violet Girl stared at her hands, trembling slightly.

  “She’s fine.” Lana put an arm around Maureen’s shoulder. “Just a really bad nose bleed. I guess we’d better get her cleaned up. Come on, Rini.”

  The girls scurried off. Xander and I were left sitting in a booth looking at each other. “What do we do now?” I asked.

  Opening a menu, Xander shrugged. “Order the fettuccini.”

  Chapter 32

  It wasn’t too long until a couple of cops appeared from behind the potted plants. They were also a little confounded by running down a dark tunnel and ending up in an Italian restaurant. Xander and I busied ourselves with the menus, but that didn’t matter. It was barely six o’clock, so we were the only diners in the restaurant under the age of eighty. The police headed straight to our table.

  “Is something wrong, officers?” Xander looked up, his face a study in innocence.

  “How long have you been here?” the larger of the two cops asked. He had a big, fleshy face.

  “We just sat down.” Xander indicated our open menus. I did my best to keep my breath steady instead of panting from our recent exercise.

  “Where did you come from?” the smaller cop asked.

  “Our… houses?” Xander feigned confusion as if he wasn’t sure what the police officers were driving at.

  “I mean, how did you get in this building?” the big cop snapped.

  Xander shrugged and made a confused gesture toward the front door. “We walked in?”

  The officers appeared annoyed, and I was wondering how long we had until they hauled us downtown. That’s when Lana and Rini showed up.

  “What’s going on?” Rini bounced up to the table.

  “Y
eah, there’s a bunch of cops and stuff outside,” Lana said right after her. “Officer, is there a bomb threat or something? Should we go outside?”

  “Bomb threat?” a senior citizen at the next table repeated, looking up from his bowl of minestrone.

  “There’s no bomb threat,” the cop told him in a steady voice. “Everything’s fine. Go back to your dinner.”

  Lana scooted into the booth next to me. “If it’s not a bomb, then what is it?” she asked. Lowering her voice she added, “Is it a drug bust?”

  The police officers exchanged looks. “It’s nothing,” the smaller cop said. “Just checking up on a tip.”

  Our behavior must have appeared innocent enough because the cops told us to enjoy our dinners and went to talk to some of the other patrons. We all sat there practically frozen to our seats until a few minutes later when they left.

  Sighing with relief, Rini flipped open her menu. “I’m starving. Let’s eat.”

  I looked around. “Where’s Maureen?”

  “She took off,” Lana told me. “We got her all cleaned up, but then I had to… um… powder my nose, and Rini had to do the same. By the time we got out of the stalls, she was gone.”

  “Gone?” I half stood in the booth. “But she’ll…” I stammered. “We have to…”

  “Sit down,” Xander demanded. “There are a ton of cops outside.”

  I sat down, but I couldn’t stop worrying about Maureen. Yeah, she had tried to incite the Chosen to kill us, but she also saved us from getting nabbed by the police. Plus, I was half convinced that she first started down the road to being a vampire snack pack because of me, and that didn’t leave me feeling too good. I hadn’t meant to ignore her at school. That is, if she actually did have a crush on me. I was just oblivious. Apparently, when it comes to girls, I’m kind of an idiot.

  “Xander, what happened to you in the lair?” Lana asked after we’d been served our appetizers.

  “What do you mean?” Xander crammed a large fork full of tortellini in his mouth.