Fangs for Nothing (Vampire Hunting and Other Foolish Endeavors)

by Adrianne Ambrose

  “The vampire enchanted you, but then you staked him. What made you snap out of it?”

  Xander gave a short laugh, his mouth still half full. “I was never enchanted. I just faked it.”

  “What?” I paused in the middle of serving myself some Caprese salad. “How’d you do that?”

  “I don’t know. Vincent never seemed that cool to me.” Xander curled his upper lip in distaste. “I know you guys all liked him, but I thought he was kind of sleazy. I mean, feeding off of teenagers is pretty low.” Leaning in, he lowered his voice. “I’ve always wanted to meet a vampire, but I just thought he’d be more charismatic or something.” He went on, “When Vincent tried to lock onto me with those crazy eyes, I just pretended like it was working and he was enchanting me. No one took my bag with the stakes in it, so I figured I’d wait until he came to feed on me, and then I’d stab him in the heart. But when he got all wound up about Sherbie, I thought I’d take advantage while everyone was distracted.” He smiled at me. “Good job, by the way. You really suckered him in. I was hoping you’d think of a distraction.”

  “You two were incredible,” Lana gushed.

  “Yeah, uh… thanks.” My face went hot.

  I had to laugh. It figured that Xander was too cool to be taken in by a vampire. But I did appreciate him giving me partial credit, even if it was totally due to my grandmother. I didn’t see any reason to share that piece of information with the girls.

  By the time we were done with dinner, the cops had cleared out from the area, and we figured it was safe to go home. We stopped to drop Lana off first, and Rini insisted I walk her to her door. “The vampires are dead, but you never know who else is lurking out there,” she told me.

  “Take your time,” Xander added with a wolfish grin.

  Somehow walking by myself with Lana made me feel awkward. Slaying vampires and running from the cops was one thing, but saying goodnight to a pretty girl who also happened to be incredibly cool felt awkward as ass.

  “Thanks for coming back and saving us,” Lana said in a quiet voice as we approached her door. “I mean, I know you came for Rini, but I really appreciate you saving me, too. I probably owe you my life.”

  “Sure.” I felt my face growing hot as the sun. I couldn’t believe she thought I actually saved her from the vampires. If I was ever going to get a real kiss out of her, it was the perfect moment. But naturally, my brain was in overdrive, and instead of sweeping her into my arms like Xander would, I asked, “Why did you go back down there, anyway?”

  Lana squirmed a little. “I don’t know. Rini’s been looking so pretty with the vampire biting her and all. I thought maybe if I just let Vincent bite me once then maybe I would look better, and you might actually like me.”

  She said the last half a sentence in a mumble, and I wasn’t quite sure I’d caught her words accurately. “What?” I asked, a lump in my throat.

  “I said, if I was a little prettier then someone might actually like me.”

  The second time it made more sense. “Oh.” I nodded. I should have known it wasn’t me she was talking about. “You mean someone like Xander.”

  Lana’s mouth fell open slightly. “Wow, Sherbie,” she said in a half laugh, even though her eyes were tearing up. “Rini told me you were kind of thick when it comes to girls, but you are totally clueless.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean Xander and Rini kept encouraging me, telling me that you might actually like me, but you kept blowing me off.” She swiped at a tear that was slipping down her cheek. “Now it’s gotten to the point that I feel like a total stalker, and you keep thinking I like Xander.”

  And then I was kissing her. I don’t even know how it started. Usually if there’s any possibility that I might get to kiss a girl, I get all nervous and start licking my lips too much and worrying about my breath or asking permission. It was not one of those times.

  Lana was in my arms. And she was kissing me back. Not for luck and not because she was trying to get to Xander. She was kissing me because she wanted to kiss me. And maybe a little because she thought I’d saved her life. But I didn’t care. Her soft, pliant lips tasted like honeysuckle, and I just couldn’t get enough. I could have kept kissing her until we starved.

  We broke apart when we were interrupted by a lady walking her cat. Yeah, I don’t know. People can be weird about their pets. Lana’s face was flushed and glowing. She was the prettiest I’d ever seen her. Once the cat lady had gone inside to her apartment, I asked in a hushed voice, “Lana, you didn’t let the vampire bite you, did you?”

  She shook her head. “He was going to after we got back from Cedar Point.”

  “Good.” I nuzzled her neck, and she shuddered as my lips brushed her bare skin.

  Pulling back slightly, she looked at my face. “Why?”

  “Because you’re just so beautiful,” I told her. “And I’m glad that it’s only you.”

  I guess I said the right thing because she started kissing me again with a vengeance.

  Twenty minutes later, I was back at the car after promising I’d IM Lana once I’d faced the fury of Grandma. Xander and Rini were fogging up the windows, and I felt like a complete tool knocking on the glass. Seeing the two of them go at it was weird. Not because Xander is practically a Nearling without ever having donated any blood to a vampire, but because they’re my best friends. Seeing your best friends French kissing is a little disorienting. It was even worse that they ignored me at first, and I had to knock a second time. Xander finally rolled down the window and grinned at me. “You were gone awhile.”

  “Um, yeah.” I blushed. “You know, just saying goodnight.”

  “And did she say goodnight back?” Rini giggled.

  “Come on, guys. Cut it out. Let me in the car.”

  As I was unlocking the door to our house after Xander dropped me off, I felt an overwhelming wave of guilt. I didn’t know what I was going to tell Grandma. She was probably going to have a stroke at any moment, and it would all be my fault.

  “Is that you, Herbie?” Grandma called from her customary post on the Barcalounger.

  “Yeah,” I answered, trying to keep the cringe out of my voice. “I’m home.”

  “That’s good. Did you have a nice day at work, dear?”

  Dear? My grandmother was not the type of person who called her grandson dear. My state of alarm immediately skyrocketed to eleven. “Yeah,” I said as I quickly strode into the living room. “It was fine. Sorry I’m a little late. I know I’m still grounded, but I, um…” I flat out couldn’t think of a plausible excuse. I don’t know how many times I’ve reminded myself to prep before entering the house, but in my defense, it had been a long day. After a few more seconds of saying, “Uh,” and “Err,” I decided I might as well try the truth. “Xander and I were out killing vampires.”

  Grandma gave a laugh that came out more like a snort. “Don’t be silly.”

  “I wasn’t…” Then I stopped because Grandma was actually smiling. I couldn’t tell if she’d just watched a really good episode of CSI or was setting me up for an elaborate trap. “So you’re not mad? I’m not extra grounded or anything?”

  Pulling the lever that cranked her Barcalounger into the upright position, Grandma sat up. “I’ve decided you’re not grounded anymore. Unless you screw up again, and then you’re grounded for eternity.”

  “Okay,” I said hesitantly. It would figure that we’d killed all the vampires in Cleveland and now my grandmother was possessed.

  “I just want you to be safe, Herbie.” Grandma reached up and took my hand. “And I want to be able to trust you to make good decisions.”

  “You can,” I told her. “I promise.” I really wasn’t planning on doing anything stupid or life endangering for the rest of the summer.

  Grandma hoisted herself to her feet. “But most of all, I want you to be happy. All these teen suicides have really got me worried.”

  “Don’t worry, Grandma. I would never d
o anything like that.”

  “I hope not.” Grandma pulled a tissue out of the sleeve of her housecoat and dabbed at her eyes. “I know I probably don’t tell you this enough, Herbert, but you’re a good boy, and I love you.”

  “I love you, too, Grandma,” I said, giving her a squeeze and a kiss on the cheek.

  I guess that was enough outpouring of emotions because Grandma abruptly broke our hug, sat down, and picked up the television remote. “I suppose you’ll want to get on the internets and talk to Kewpie doll.”

  “If you don’t mind.”

  Grandma changed channels, keeping her eyes on the screen. “That’s fine.” As I headed to my room she added, “Don’t stay on too long.”

  Chapter 33

  I woke up early the next morning. Or more accurately, I got out of bed early after never fully falling asleep. Grandma let me IM with Lana for about twenty minutes before she couldn’t stand it any longer and told me I had to get off the internets. After that I watched a little TV with her and then got into bed to stare at the ceiling for the rest of the night. The faces of Vincent and Aerony plagued me. I know they were bloodsucking fiends. They killed Lydia and a bunch of other kids, but besides that, they were kind of cool to be around. I couldn’t let go of the feeling that jolted through my body when my stake ripped through Aerony’s chest. The memory made my arm itch under the skin.

  Finally giving up on sleeping a little before seven, I got out of bed. It was weird having the house to myself in the morning because I’m never up before Grandma. She hadn’t even brought in the paper.

  As I sat down to skim the news, the headlines nearly made me choke on my orange juice.

  Teen Drug Bust Under Detroit-Superior Bridge

  The Detroit-Superior Bridge was closed for five hours last evening as police raided the closed train station under the west side of the bridge.

  Sergeant Maddox of the Cleveland police led the raid, acting off an anonymous tip. “We heard there was some underage drinking and possible drug usage going on down there,” Maddox told reporters. “It turned out to be a lot more extensive than we expected.”

  Fourteen teenagers ranging in age from fifteen to nineteen were detained by police until their parents could be contacted. Many of the teens were disoriented from consumption of alcohol and an as of yet unidentified narcotic.

  Police uncovered that a homeless couple had taken up residence below the bridge and were supplying the teens with illegal substances. “It appears that someone has been living under the bridge for quite some time,” said Maddox. The current whereabouts of the couple is unknown. Police believe they escaped down a secret passage leading out of the station with several teenagers during the raid.

  The grisly discovery of the remains of two decomposing humans also found under the bridge has the police mystified. “There may have been some foul play down there at one time,” reports Maddox, “But the state of decay of the bodies indicates they had been down there for an extensive period. Maybe even over a century.” The remains have not yet been identified.

  I flipped the paper over, unwilling to read any more. I considered putting the whole thing in the recycling bin, a place Grandma would never look. But then she’d probably call the Plain Dealer to complain that her paper hadn’t been delivered. It was best just to deal with the fallout of her reading the article. At least the suicide rate for teenagers in the greater Cleveland area was about to plummet.

  Grandma started rustling around in her room, so I scribbled a quick note and shot out the door. I didn’t want to have to explain why I was up so early or where I was going.

  A couple of blocks later, I was standing in front of the dilapidated bungalow that was Violet Girl’s home. It still wasn’t quite eight o’clock, so I sat on the tree lawn across the street to wait. I figured I’d hang out until a little after nine before I knocked, which was probably just barely in the range of polite behavior. The whole situation with Maureen was really bothering me, and I just wanted to make sure she was all right.

  About ten minutes into my vigil, someone came sneaking out of the front door of the house carrying a large duffel bag. It took me a second to realize it was Maureen. She was still pretty, just not as flawlessly put together as usual. But a night of seeing your vampire get staked and then fleeing from the cops can do that to anyone.

  “Maureen,” I called, getting to my feet and trotting over to her.

  “Oh, Sherbie.” She glanced over her shoulder toward the closed front door and then hurried down the steps. “What are you doing here?”

  I instantly felt embarrassed. What was I doing there? “You just disappeared from the restaurant. I was worried about you. Are you okay?”

  Grabbing me by the arm, she pulled me down the sidewalk, obviously wanting to get away from her house. “I’m fine,” she insisted. “I just needed to get out of there. I had a lot to think about.”

  “I was worried the cops might have nabbed you,” I explained as she led me even further down the street, still checking over her shoulder repeatedly that no one else had come out the front door.

  “No.” She shook her head. “I was surprised, but no one even looked at me.” She gave a bitter laugh. “Kind of like before I was chosen.”

  Scrunching my face with embarrassment, I asked, “Um, Maureen? I hope this doesn’t sound too conceited, but did you start letting the vampire bite you because of me?”

  “Yes,” she said without hesitation. I must have appeared completely mortified because she quickly added, “and no.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Well, it would have been nice if you’d noticed me. I mean, I was totally crushing on you forever, and you never gave me the time of day.”

  “Sorry,” I mumbled. “Apparently, I’m not that bright when it comes to girls.”

  “So I noticed.” She went on, “It wasn’t just that you didn’t noticed me. I felt invisible to the entire world.”

  “Yeah, I feel that way, too, every time I’m standing next to Xander.”

  She made a little grunt of exasperation. “You know, he’s not as hot as you think he is. I always thought you were much cuter.”

  “Tell that to the rest of the world.”

  Maureen gave a small laugh.

  “That was you at the airport, wasn’t it?” I asked. She flinched slightly, so I knew I was right. “Sorry I didn’t recognize you. It was a long flight.”

  “Yeah, that stung,” she admitted. “This is going to sound totally stalkery, but I was actually there waiting for you.”

  “What?” I stammered. “How?”

  “I overheard you and Xander talking in the food court at the mall, so I knew when you were coming in. So I arranged it that I would happen to be at baggage claim.”

  I frowned. “Why would you bother to do all that?”

  “Well, by then I already knew the deal with Vincent. It sounded pretty tempting, but I was really torn about what to do. I guess I just wanted one last try to see if I had any chance with you without becoming the vampire’s juice box.”

  “Oh.” I felt my stomach clench. “So this really is all my fault.”

  “Not really,” she said, rubbing my arm. “You weren’t the first boy to ignore me.”

  “Just the last.” Looking down, I noticed the large bag that she’d set on the ground. “Are you going somewhere?”

  “Yeah. A couple of the Chosen heard there’s a vampire living in Baltimore. We’re taking the bus this afternoon.”

  “What?” I was stunned. “You’re going out looking for another vampire? That’s crazy. Vincent killed a bunch of teenagers here. You know that, don’t you?”

  “Yeah.” She sighed. “I know. There’s probably a good chance this next vampire might go too far and kill me. That happens a lot, I guess.” She put a hand gently to her cheek. “But it’s worth it, don’t you think? Being admired?”

  “No.” I stepped forward and grabbed her by both arms. “It’s not worth it,” I said, looking dow
n into her emerald green eyes. “Stay here.”

  That’s when she kissed me. I guess I should have expected it seeing that we were only inches apart. She stood on her toes and suddenly her lips were pressed against mine. Seeing that I had just been kissing Lana less than twenty-four hours earlier, I knew I should pull away. But I also really didn’t want Maureen to go chasing after another vampire, so I figured maybe it was better to kiss her back.

  After a few moments, we broke apart. Maureen cocked her head to one side, gave me a funny look, and said, “Hmmm.”

  “What?” I felt my face get hot. “No good?”

  “No, just different than I expected.” She kept looking at me with her brows a little scrunched. “I’ve been dreaming about kissing you for so long, I guess I built it up too much in my head.”

  “We kissed under the bridge,” I reminded her.

  “Yeah, but that was different. I was high on Vincent’s champagne and jealous because you were on a date.”

  “And this kiss wasn’t as good as that one?”

  Maureen wrinkled her nose slightly.

  It wasn’t exactly the review I wanted, so I kissed her again. This time sweeping her into my arms and really letting myself go. I knew I was doing better the second time because after a few seconds, Maureen let out a small moan and wound her fingers into my hair.

  When we finally pulled apart, we were both a little shaken. “I wish we’d done that before I met the vampires,” she whispered.

  “Yeah. Me, too.”

  “Come with me,” she said, her arms still wrapped around me. “We can run away together. Then we can practice kissing all the time.”

  “Stay here,” I told her. “We can live vampire free and kiss in Cleveland.”

  “No.” Maureen slowly untangled herself from my embrace. She lifted her hands to touch her face as if it was something so fragile she was afraid it would shatter. “That I can’t do.”

  “Why not?” I wanted to take her in my arms again, but she shied away.

  “I want to stay the way I am,” she explained. “I don’t want to go back to the old me.”