Filthy Commitments: A Submissives’ Secrets Novel

by Michelle Love

  But I wasn’t going to have a fight over what I knew was the right thing to do by her. I told her from the very beginning that I’d do right by her and I meant to keep my word.

  Her breathing was steady, she had fallen back to sleep. I knew I should be getting some rest too, but I couldn’t stop looking at her. I’d leave her alone the very next night if things went the way I thought they would.

  She’d wake up alone and find my note. The one I’d leave her to explain to our families what had happened to me. The one that would set her free from all these lies.

  Perhaps one day in the distant future I could come back to see if things could blossom between us again. But I wasn’t sure about that. What I would do would hurt her to the core. I knew that.

  That was a weight I’d have to take on. She was worth that. I was carrying around guilt anyway, why should I get to live life without any weight of that on my shoulders?

  Asia didn’t need me in her life. I would just be a reminder of when she walked on the dark side for a while. She’d be better off without me.

  No, I’d walk away and never come back. That would be the right thing to do. Leave her for good. It would be better that way.

  Settling my head on the pillow, I closed my eyes, willing myself not to think about it anymore. I’d never leave if I thought about it too much. And I had to leave. For Asia’s sake, I had to do it.

  Just as I got my mind to shut up, Asia threw the blankets off her and bolted to the bathroom. I got up and followed her, finding her with her head in the toilet, puking her guts up. “Baby?” I held her hair back as I kneeled beside her.

  She wretched over and over, getting rid of everything that was in her stomach. Then she moaned and sat on the floor with her face in her hands. “God, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Jett.”

  I got up and grabbed her a wet washcloth. Then I picked her up and sat her on top of the vanity. Wiping her face with the cool cloth, I felt her shaking.

  Neither of us had a thing on as we slept naked each night. I picked her up and took her to bed, covering her up and running my hand over her forehead. “You don’t have a fever. You didn’t say your stomach was hurting.”

  “It just hit me. I was fast asleep, then I was up and running. That’s the third time today.”

  “I’ll take you to the doctor tomorrow. I’ll let my family know we won’t be going to the wedding.”

  “Jett, no. I’ll be alright. It’s probably a little stomach bug. You know a twenty-four-hour thing. Just get back into bed. I’ll be better by the morning. You’ll see.”

  I got back into bed, unsure that it was a stomach bug that was causing her to be fine one moment and throwing up the next. Something was wrong, and I was pretty sure I knew what it was.

  Stress.

  The stress of lying to her family was too much for her. Her brain thought she could handle it. Her body was rejecting it.

  I could see it clear as day even if she couldn’t. The lies were getting to her, making her sick.

  I had to leave. I wasn’t healthy for her. Not in any way.

  But I held her that night. For the rest of the night, I clung to her and wished like hell there was another way to make things right. I fell asleep with no other idea in my head.

  I had to go. I owed it to her.

  Asia

  In the month of August, I’d thrown up more than I had in my entire life. Much of the time, Jett knew nothing about it. I didn’t want him to worry about me.

  I was pretty sure it was stress-related. I thought all the time about what we could do to make things right. It was always there, knocking at my brain.

  If I’d been a liar my whole life, I think that would’ve helped me to deal with what I’d done. Lies apparently did not sit well with me. Hence the vomiting.

  Jett was being bothersome, nagging me to go to the doctor. We had one more wedding to go to, and I wasn’t about to mess that up for him. I promised I’d go the next day if I got sick any more.

  I had a couple bouts of nausea throughout the day, but nothing too bad. Maybe with the last wedding to attend, the stress would ease up. I hoped so anyway.

  The fact was that I wanted to talk to Jett about really getting married. Wouldn’t that end all our problems?

  We could simply go to Vegas and do it for real, and then no one had to know anything else. If Jett would agree, I thought the stress would vanish.

  I hoped it would, and I hoped he’d agree. His notion of me wanting to marry him only because it was something he wanted and I wanted to please him, was stupid.

  I loved the man!

  I loved Jett more than I knew was possible. And I did want to marry him. The main reason was love. The other reason was to get the lie over with. We’d be married, and all that nonsense of a fake marriage would be over.

  There was one easy fix. The hard part was getting Jett to accept the easy fix.

  It was crazy, the man had wanted to marry me, and I had to be bullheaded about it. Then I want to get married, and he got stubborn about it.

  It was funny, really. Only it was time for the joke to be over and for us to take the bull by the horns and take charge of the situation.

  Stop the lie by really getting married.

  It was the only way to go. The only thing in my way of fixing it all was Jett. Now how would I get him to see reason.

  Jett

  Our last social function was at hand. My cousin, Felicity and her fiancé, Ron had put on a fancy wedding at The Plaza Hotel in New York. My parents insisted we all get rooms there and stay the night. It trumped my plans for leaving that night.

  I’d get one more night with Asia. That was both good and bad. Every minute I spent with her made it that much harder for me to leave. Doing the right thing was getting harder and harder to do.

  The damn wedding wasn’t making things any easier, either. Holding Asia’s hand, we watched the bride go to meet her groom, and my heart ached that Asia and I’d never get that moment.

  She gave my hand a squeeze. “She looks amazing.”

  I leaned in to whisper. “You’d look better.”

  Taking her eyes off my cousin to look at me, she smiled. I couldn’t take my eyes off hers. Our connection was deep and true. And I was a fool for what I’d done. But nothing could change it.

  The music stopped, and we all sat back down. I ran my arm around Asia. She rested her head on my shoulder, and we watched the rest of the wedding play out.

  There was a dinner that was held elsewhere then it would be back to The Plaza for the reception. Asia and I rode with my parents in their limo to that part of the event. Mom chatted away after we all got into the car, “Wasn’t that lovely? How I wish we could’ve done something like that for you two.”

  Asia sighed. “As lovely as that was, I’d never want anything that large anyway. All this seems like a lot of trouble to go through to me.”

  I wrapped my arm around her and kissed the side of her head. “I agree. I think it would’ve been nice to have had our families with us when we got married, but no one else.”

  “Yes, keeping it informal and small would’ve been good.” Asia leaned her head on my shoulder. “Plus, I’m worn out just by attending. What must the bride and groom feel like?”

  Mom’s expression grew to one of concern. “Asia, dear, have you been doing okay? I only ask because you seem to have lost weight since I saw you last.”

  “She’s been a little under the weather,” I answered for her.

  Asia nodded. “Although living with your son has been the best, I have a lot of worry over school. I failed two classes last semester and that has me worried about retaking them. I think the stress of that has my tummy upset often.”

  “You know you could hire a tutor to help you out, Asia. I’m sure with extra help you could pass those classes,” Mom said, trying to be helpful.

  I knew Asia was a little worried about those classes. Her real worries were about us though. Our contract would be ending the very n
ext day. We’d be free then. And as far as she knew, we still hadn’t come up with a way to make the lies disappear so we could move forward as a real couple.

  “I didn’t think about that. Thanks.” Asia smiled at my mother then looked up at me. “Maybe I should see about that then. In the next day or so, I’ll do that. Remind me, would you?”

  With a nod, I pulled her close, leaning my chin on top of her head. “I’ll do that for you. No need to worry so much, Asia.”

  My father shifted in the seat. “You two need to understand one thing. Worry never solved anything. It’s a wasteful emotion. Better to figure out what you can do to fix things, rather than worry about them. You have a problem, do something about it. Don’t just worry and accomplish nothing but making yourself sick.”

  Dad was right, but Dad didn’t know everything. Asia and I had a mountain of things to worry about. And what was worse, each and every way there was to fix it would cost both of us some kind of mental anguish.

  At least with my idea, we’d both be hurt, but Asia would come out with her dignity intact. Only I’d be despised. A thing I wasn’t looking forward to, but it had to be done.

  “You’re right, Dad. Worry has never solved a thing. Action will be taken so Asia can stop worrying.”

  Dad gave a nod of approval. “See to that, son. And I talked to Angie in human resources. Now, she told me that you’ve yet to go in and fill out the paperwork to put your wife on the insurance plans. Why is that? You’ve had nothing but time to get that done. You’re going to start working with me in just a couple of weeks to learn the CEO role. You’ll be very busy then. Best to get that out of the way before then.”

  “I’ll get down there, Dad. It may seem like I’ve been free as a bird, but Asia and I have been doing all sorts of things.”

  Asia nodded. “We’ve been going and going. It seems like we hardly ever just sit around. But we should take the next couple of weeks and do just that. We both have work and school looming ahead of us.”

  I wondered if Asia would be too devastated to go back to school after I left her. I wondered how my parents would react to my going back to Los Angeles and picking up where I left off. Dad would have to maintain his role as CEO. I’d be deemed unworthy, and frankly, I didn’t want to be in New York where I might run into Asia or her family.

  It’d be best for me to be far away from them all. I knew my parents would get over things, eventually. But I doubted Asia ever would. Not entirely. She wouldn’t die or anything, but there’d be a part of her that would remain broken forever. She trusted me. It was bound to leave a deep scar.

  My leaving would leave its mark on me too. I’d never love anyone the way I loved Asia. I knew that. I’d never done anything so selfless in my life. I knew our love was true. If it wasn’t, I’d feel just fine letting everyone think bad things about Asia.

  I couldn’t let that happen, though.

  “Oh, before I forget,” Mom added. “The Petersons are having a dinner party next week. They asked me to extend the invitation to you two.”

  “Tell them, thank you, but we can’t go.”

  Asia turned her head to look at me. “Don’t say no on my account. I’m game, Jett.”

  I kissed her on the tip of her nose. “I’m not. I’m not a dinner party kind of guy.”

  “But, Jett, you should become one.” Dad poured himself a glass of Scotch and gestured to me with the bottle. “Would either of you like a drink?”

  “None for me thanks,” came Asia’s quick reply.

  “I don’t want one, either.”

  He put the bottle back into the rack of the small bar that held a dozen different types of alcohol. “Jett, you’ll have to be more social once you become CEO. You’ll be expected to attend charity events and dinners, all kinds of things. It’s a big deal, you know.”

  Nodding, I thought about all that. My father had been doing all that stuff, along with his real job as CEO. I knew he was tired and needed me to step in a relieve him of that heavy burden.

  My leaving would hurt him a lot too. He’d be left to keep up with the furious work pace and schedule. He deserved some rest after working like a slave to build something out of nothing.

  When would the guilt stop piling up on me?

  There was no right thing to do. No matter which way I looked, I would hurt people. I’d never been in a tougher spot. Admitting to myself that I brought this all down on myself did nothing to make me feel any better about things.

  After all, what did knowing the facts and facing them do to end the never ending guilt?

  I felt lost. Alone. Depressed.

  And I had no one to blame but myself. Would I ever get things right?

  I’d lived pretty much guilt free up until the beginning of summer when I fucked things up so well. Now it seemed I’d live the rest of my life with guilt.

  I had to wonder if it would become something that didn’t feel so horrible after a few years went by. But knew I was fooling myself. It would always feel terrible. But at least I was setting Asia free from it. Free from the lies, free from the guilt of telling her family a giant lie. At least she’d feel better. That was all I could care about. Asia, and how to make her feel better.

  Asia

  One minute I felt fine, the next my gut was twisting, and I was reaching for the door handle. “Tell the driver to wait at this red light.” Opening the door, I hurled as Jett held onto me so I wouldn’t fall out of the car.

  “Baby!”

  “Oh, my!” his mother shouted.

  With the contents of my stomach gone, I felt better, but the embarrassment hurt like hell. I closed the door as found Jett running a tissue over my mouth. “Did that just hit you out of nowhere, Asia?”

  I nodded and tried to regain my composure. “We need to get you to see someone right away,” his father said.

  “No wonder you’re losing weight if this is what’s been happening.” His mother wagged her finger at us both. “This isn’t something that occurs from stress or nerves. I thought you meant you weren’t eating very much. I didn’t know you were throwing up. We’re going straight to the nearest emergency room.”

  “I don’t…”

  She shook her head. “I don’t care. We’re going, and you’re going to be seen by someone right now.”

  “But the dinner,” I whined.

  “I’ll let them know we won’t be coming. You’re more important than some damn dinner, Asia,” his mother was adamant.

  Jett rubbed my back as he eyed me with concern. “We’re taking you to the hospital. No back talk about it, Asia.”

  Resting my head on his shoulder, I admitted defeat and faced the reality that I was going to have to see a doctor about it. Maybe he’d prescribe me some kind of anti-anxiety meds, and I could be on my way.

  I felt horrible for getting in the way of his cousin’s matrimonial festivities. But the three people, who were watching me like a hawk, didn’t look like they’d be swayed by a word I said.

  Relinquishing the battle felt kind of great. It was out of my control. I’d be taken care of. I found my heart swelling with love for all three of them. I did matter to them all.

  When we arrived at the emergency room, we found it was full. And my upset tummy wasn’t the biggest emergency there. A man was holding a towel around his hand, and red was beginning to soak through it. A little old woman was sneezing, hacking, and looking as if death was hovering around her, waiting for her to take her final breath. And three babies were crying with how badly they felt.

  No, mine wasn’t nearly as bad as anyone else’s seemed to be.

  So, we sat and waited and waited. After two hours, I told Jett’s parents they should leave and Jett too if he wanted. I could take a cab back to the hotel once I was done there.

  “Hell, no, Asia!” Jett wasn’t having any of that. “I’m not leaving you here. Mom, Dad, you two go. Enjoy the rest of the night with the family. Tell them we’re sorry, but Asia is sick.”

  They got up, making
room for a couple of people who’d been standing. “They need the space in here anyway.” His mother hugged me. “You call us when you find out what’s wrong, Asia. We love you, dear.”

  Her words tugged at my heart. “I love you too. I’ll let you know when I know something.”

  They left, and Jett looked at me. “She told you that she loved you, Asia.”

  “Yeah, I know. That was sweet of her.” I took his hand and held it tightly. “I wasn’t lying when I told her I love her too. I do. Your parents are great.”

  He nodded but looked a bit upset. I figured it was because of the fakeness of our situation. But our love was real. We had to figure out a way to make things right. And soon.

  “Asia Jones?” a nurse came out of a side door, looking over the crowd.

  “That’s me.” I raised my hand and got up to go to her with Jett right at my side.

  “Oh, good.” She looked at Jett. “Are you related to her?”

  He shook his head. “No.”

  “Then you’ll have to wait here for her. No one except immediate family is allowed back. It’s hospital policy. Sorry.”

  As she took my hand and pulled me inside, I looked over my shoulder at him and saw the frown that covered his handsome face. “Don’t worry, Jett. I’ll make this as fast as I can.”

  The door shut before he could say a word and I felt my stomach clench. The nurse took me to a large room with six curtain covered areas. “This is you, over here. Your admission paper says you’ve been throwing up. Is that correct?”

  “It is.” She handed me a gown and a small cup with a lid on it.

  “Go into the bathroom that’s directly across the hallway.” She took a Sharpie out of her pocket and handed it to me. “Write your full name and date of birth on the label of the cup. Fill it with urine, put the lid back on and leave it on the counter. Then take everything off but your underclothes and put on the gown.” She handed me a plastic bag. “Your clothes can go in this bag. Bring them back in here with you when you’re done. Do you understand all of that?”