The Doctor Who Made Her Love Again

by Susan Carlisle

  She spent a horrible evening, crying, and compounded it with tossing and turning before emotional exhaustion took her. Who did Payton think he was talking to? How had something so wonderful turned so ugly with only a few words? Payton had real nerve. Had she misjudged him just as she had another man she’d cared about? She’d been right about him in the first place.

  As if the fates were ganging up against her, one of Larry’s children had a school field trip and Larry had asked Payton to switch shifts with him. China managed to make it through the shift without interacting with Payton except when it had to do with a patient. He didn’t seem any more eager to speak to her then she was to him.

  China looked at her wristwatch. Only thirty more minutes. Her nerves were strung out tighter than a banjo string. She’d even snapped at Doris, which had got her a look of surprise. Thankfully a patient had come in and prevented Doris from asking questions.

  At one minute to two China had her purse under her arm and was on the way toward the back door. She needed to plan something. Clear her mind. Figure out how to deal with Payton. How to fix things between them or at least learn to work with him without the burning hurt boiling over. Maybe she needed to see about transferring to the hospital.

  “Yes, I understand.” Payton’s voice drifted out into the hall as she passed the office door.

  She’d planned to keep on walking, not glance in his direction, but couldn’t help herself. His shoulders were slumped and his elbows were propped on the desk with his dark-haired head in his hands. Something was wrong. Was he sick? Had he gotten bad news? She couldn’t leave without knowing. They might be through but that didn’t stop her from caring.

  With her heart racing she asked from the doorway, “Payton, what’s wrong?”

  He raised his head. “Nothing.”

  The shadowed look in his eyes told her differently. She stepped further into the room. “What’s going on? Are you feeling okay?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “It doesn’t look that way.”

  He stood. “I’m fine, really. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings yesterday. I’m sorry if I’m hurting them now. But I think we have run our course.”

  She jerked back as if he’d slapped her. She’d expected this. He wasn’t saying anything she didn’t already know but she didn’t like hearing it verbalized, especially in such a cold voice. She known it was over the second she’d seen that look of disbelief on his face. Not wanting to admit it, last night she’d had no choice but to face the facts. That didn’t mean it didn’t feel like her heart was breaking into a thousand pieces and being flung to the ends of the earth.

  Refusing to run and hide, she choked out the words, “I agree.”

  For a second had there been hurt in his eyes?

  “To make things easier, I’ll see about transferring to another clinic or to the E.R.”

  Unable to say more, she nodded. Her greatest fear had come true. She didn’t measure up. He’d said he didn’t want her.

  “I’m sorry.”

  China nodded again. With a force of will she hadn’t known she had, she made her feet move. In a daze of pain, anger and disappointment and holding back the tears that threatened, she stumbled out the back door.

  * * *

  Payton closed the door to the office and sank into the desk chair. His head dropped into his hands. He’d been sick after chemo but he’d never felt as nauseated as he had when he’d seen the look on China’s face. He’d known what he’d had to do, but that hadn’t made it any easier. His bloodwork had come back abnormal. He couldn’t, wouldn’t take her on that ride with him if cancer had returned. China deserved a better life. A more secure one. She would spend her days caring for him, and he couldn’t have that. He wouldn’t let her sit by his bed and worry. His parents would be bad enough.

  China would move on from him soon enough, he decided, but he wouldn’t be so lucky. She wasn’t someone he’d ever get over.

  CHAPTER TEN

  CHINA COULDN’T REMEMBER feeling more miserable than she had been in the last week. The only upside was that she didn’t have to hold it together in front of Payton. He hadn’t been at the clinic and she’d refused to ask why. She’d just figured that he’d managed to get a quick transfer or had taken a few days off.

  She looked awful. No matter what she did—cold water to the eyes, drops, even cucumber slices—she still couldn’t get the puffiness to recede from crying herself to sleep. She missed Payton’s arms around her, his hard body against her back, his wit, his smile.

  Doris and Jean had given her puzzled looks but hadn’t asked questions. Robin wasn’t as tactful. She cornered China in the supply room.

  “So, what gives with Payton? You know where he is?”

  China opened a cabinet and pulled out gloves, tissues and tongue depressors to replace those used in the exam rooms. “No. I haven’t spoken to him.”

  “I thought you two were tight.”

  “Tight?”

  Robin gave a disgusted snort. “Don’t play dumb with me. We all know you and Payton were having a thing. You could see it any time you two were together.”

  China suppressed a groan. Had they been that obvious? She closed the cabinet. “Well, if we did have a ‘thing,’ we don’t anymore. I’ve not spoken to him in days.”

  “Jean did let it slip that he’d gone to Chicago. You think he’s moving back there?”

  China gathered the supplies in her arms. “You know, Robin, I really have no idea,” she said, as she left the room.

  Entering an exam room, she pushed the door closed with her elbow. She dumped the supplies in a heap on the table, sank into the chair and put her head into her hands before all the pain she felt flowed out. Some time later, she wiped the moisture away with the back of her hand and straightened her shoulders. It was time she pulled herself together. Got her life back to normal. Learned to live without Payton. She done it before he’d come to town and she’d do it again. Her parents were expecting her to cook dinner tonight, she’d focus on that.

  China finished cleaning off the table and straightening her parents’ kitchen. Her father was in his chair with the news on the TV but the volume down as he read the paper. Her mom focused on one of her many craft projects. There was no interaction between them or even China. They hadn’t even asked about Payton. It was as if they were going through the motions of life but never really living it. She wanted more than that. Had lived it with Payton.

  When had her family dynamics become so twisted? Was that why Kelsey never visited? Maybe it was time to ask her? See if she could reestablish some kind of solid relationship with at least one member of her family.

  It had taken some persuading on China’s part to get Kelsey to agree to meet. She’d not out and out said no. Instead, Kelsey seemed to have an excuse for being busy on every date China suggested. When China finally said, “This isn’t about Mom and Dad. This is about me. Things I need to know,” Kelsey agreed.

  China watched Kelsey pull into the parking spot from the front window of the tearoom on Main Street.

  Where China had dark hair cut conservatively, Kelsey was fair-haired with a trendy cut that stuck up on her head. China was petite and Kelsey was tall with an athlete’s body. They couldn’t be more different yet they had shared the same upbringing.

  China stood as the bell on the door tinkled, announcing Kelsey’s entrance. Opening her arms in welcome, China saw Kelsey’s second of hesitation before she stepped into her embrace. They released each other. China smiled. “Thank you for coming. I’ve missed you.”

  Kelsey gave her a weary smile as they sat down in the antique wooden chairs at their table. China ran her hands across the tablecloth, as if smoothing out a wrinkle that didn’t exist.

  A middle-aged woman wearing a white ruffled apron came to take their order. After sh
e left Kelsey said, “Please don’t try to convince me I need to see Mom and Father.”

  “Like I said on the phone, I won’t do that, but I would like to ask you some questions about them.”

  “China, I don’t want to talk about them.”

  “The questions have to do with me. You’re the only person I know to ask. I need to know.”

  Kelsey’s brow wrinkled and she twisted her mouth upward. “What’s going on?”

  “I need to know...”

  Kelsey put her elbow on the table and leaned toward China.

  “Uh, a friend of mine said I act differently when I’m around Mom and Dad. Do you think that’s true?”

  “Hell, yes, you do!”

  China jerked at the force of Kelsey’s reply.

  “I hated the way they treated you but I think I hated it more that you let them treat you that way.”

  “I didn’t see it,” China said softly, “until Payton pointed it out.”

  “Payton?”

  “A friend.”

  The woman returned to serve them their tea then left silently.

  Kelsey nodded. “Something happened to you after Chad left. You couldn’t do enough to make Mom and Father happy, especially Father. You never stood up to them, no matter how unreasonable they were. You were always trying to make things better, smooth things over.”

  “Why haven’t you said something before?”

  “I was young, but I knew when you were trying to hide what I was doing from Mom and Father. You covered for me, and even lied for me on occasion, but I hated what I saw them doing to you.”

  Had her fear of stepping out of line and being rejected been that strong? “I didn’t know they were doing anything to me. I just didn’t want them to get mad at me.”

  “You were too young to recognize it when it started. I don’t think they would have treated us like they did Chad. I think guilt and fear over him stopped them from threatening to put us out. I managed to hold it together until I could get out of high school but I couldn’t take it anymore. By that time you were already the favorite child and I really didn’t care.”

  “I wasn’t the favorite!”

  “Okay, maybe favorite isn’t the right word. The more dutiful. I knew I needed to get away and it seemed like it was too late for you.”

  “So you just left and let me spend years being their doormat. Why didn’t you say something sooner?” China couldn’t keep the anger and disappointment from surfacing.

  “Would you have listened?”

  “I guess not,” China said thoughtfully.

  Kelsey place her hand over hers for a second before she removed it. “Still, maybe I should have tried harder to make you see it. I’m sorry. So what has changed now?”

  “I met someone and took him to their house for dinner.”

  “As in a man? Someone special?” Kelsey asked with a smile.

  “Yes. A man. He told me he couldn’t believe how I acted around them. That I shouldn’t let them treat me the way they do. We had a big fight.”

  “Well, I hate to say it, but he’s right. It’s time for you to stand up to them. Stop letting them manipulate you. You don’t have to please them anymore. You only have to please yourself. So tell me about this guy.”

  China blinked to keep the moisture from forming in her eyes. “There’s not much to tell. We broke up. He’s gone home.”

  “Home?”

  “Chicago.”

  “Was he just here on vacation?”

  “No, he was a doctor at the clinic. We fought and we haven’t spoken since. He’s not in town anymore.”

  Kelsey reached across the table and touched her hand. China looked at their clasped hands. It was the most sisterly thing Kelsey had done since she’d climbed into bed with her the night of the big fight between Chad and their parents. “So call him. Don’t let our screwed-up family hurt your chance for happiness. Call him, find him, talk to him.”

  “I don’t think he wants to have anything to do with me. He was so disappointed in me.”

  “Forget that. He’ll get over it. Talk to him. If he cares about you he’ll understand.”

  China squeezed Kelsey’s hand. “Thanks for helping me see a few things clearer. I love you, sis.”

  Kelsey eyes glistened. “I love you, too.”

  As they finished their tea they talked about Kelsey’s new job at the hospital. Finally China felt like she had her sister back.

  Standing on the sidewalk in front of Kelsey’s car, China said, “Thank you for coming. I wish we could do this more often.”

  “I’m glad I came also.”

  “Can we get together again soon?”

  Kelsey took a while to answer. “I’d like that. But no pushing me to see Mom and Dad.”

  “I promise. This’ll be about us. I’ve missed you.”

  Kelsey stepped over and hugged her. “I’ve missed my big sis, too.” She let China go. “Now, go call that fellow and tell him you’ve come to your senses.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “We have enough regrets in our lives. Don’t add another.”

  China watched as Kelsey got into her car and drove away. Would Payton listen?

  She had lived in fear of being rejected, of not being good enough. Had Payton ever made her feel that way? No. She’d managed to twist what he’d said to her about her parents. Hadn’t he proved more than once he wasn’t like that? They’d worked together with patients, bought plants for his house and cooked dinner together, and never once had he ever criticized or talked down to her. He’d done nothing but make her feel good about herself.

  She was such an idiot. When she’d spoken to him at the clinic it hadn’t been about her, it had been about how he felt. She would think about what she needed to do later. Now, she was due at the clinic.

  Once again she looked for Payton to show up for work. She listened for his footfalls in the hall and heard nothing. Sitting behind the front desk, she scrolled through the lab work that had come in to see if any of the patients needed to be called for a return visit or updated on the results.

  She scanned the numbers of each patient, looking for any abnormalities. Her finger pushed the “scroll up button when the white cell count of a CBC was too high. This patient would need to be notified. Checking the left-hand corner of the page, the name of the patient jumped out at her like a flashing neon sign—Payton Jenkins.

  China sucked in a breath. Her heart beat faster. Payton’s high white cell count could be an indicator that his cancer was back. Had that been what the phone call had been about? Or did he even know? She had to tell him. Had to talk to him. See if he was okay.

  Weak-kneed, she walked to the doctor’s office and closed the door. More than once she’d had to make a confidential phone call from there. No one would question the door being closed and disturb her. With a shaking hand she reached into the pocket of her scrubs and pulled out her cell phone. Scrolling down until Payton’s number appeared, she touched the screen.

  Would he answer when her ID came up on his phone? Would he be glad to hear from her? The phone rang and rang and rang. With each ring her disappointment grew. His voice telling whoever was calling to leave a message came over the phone. She slumped against the desk. His voice, oh, how she loved the sound of Payton’s voice.

  At the beep, she said, “Payton, it’s China. Your bloodwork came through. You need to call the clinic.” Even to her own ears the message sounded cool and official. Nothing like one lover speaking to the other. But they were no longer lovers.

  Her phone rang seconds later. Her heart leaped. She dropped the mobile. Was it Payton? Would he be as glad to hear her voice as she would be to hear his? With a shaking hand it took two tries to pick the phone up off the floor. The knot in her chest eased. The
ID read “Mom.” She touched the screen. “Hello.”

  “Hi, honey. Could you stop by and pick up a few things on your way over this evening?”

  “Mom, I’m not coming.”

  “Honey, why not?”

  “Mom, I’m not going to be coming over for some time. Also, please don’t call me during work hours anymore.”

  “China, what’s wrong?”

  “I just need to make some changes in my life.”

  “You know your father is going to expect those pork chops of yours.”

  “You can fix them, Mom. There’s some in the freezer. I’ve got to go now. Bye.” China ended the call.

  It hadn’t been easy and she would owe her mom more of an explanation later but she had made her first move toward pulling away from her parents. Now she had to move forward and create a life without Payton. With her sister in her corner and her new understanding of herself, she felt empowered to do just that.

  * * *

  Payton looked at the blinking light on his phone. He’d missed an incoming call. China.

  He ached for her with every fiber of his being. His fingers itched to touch her silky skin, kiss her full lips, hear the soft sound of her breathing next to him in the middle of the night. Things had already been difficult between them before he’d received the news from John about his questionable lab work. Emotionally he’d run, and he had no doubt she recognized it. Now all he wanted to do was repair the relationship, have China back in his life—permanently.

  Just days earlier he’d caught the first flight out for Chicago and had been back in the hospital, undergoing tests, that afternoon. The flight had given him much-needed time to think, and the reality that he might be sick again, this time possibly worse than before, had made him re-evaluate China’s words, “Life is about enjoying where you are, the simple things.” She’d taught him that lesson well. Watching a storm, planting a flower and seeing it flourish or just spending time floating on his boat, and most of all making love to someone you cared deeply for.