If Only

by Ashlyn Mathews

  “Better do it while there’s daylight.”

  “Okay, mother.”

  Rhys smiled. “I’m heading out to get our jackets and lock up the workshop. You want me to check on yours while I’m over there?”

  She stuck her head out of the bathroom, her shirt held over her chest, giving him a glimpse of bare shoulders and a flat stomach he’d love to span his hands across.

  “No need to. Mine is locked.”

  “Okay, then, I’ll be right back.”

  Whistling, he headed out the door to make a private phone call. He needed advice, and who better to get it from than the queen of dating herself. Eve. The cold numbing his fingers, Rhys quickly texted her to call him before he shoved his phone back in his back pant pocket.

  After high school, he dated here and there, but he wouldn’t count that as a . . . aw, shit, what was the word? He rolled his shoulders. The sun was out and his eyes hurt from the glare. Like rays reflecting off water. Ships in the ocean. A courtship. He puffed his chest. Yeah, that was the word he was searching for.

  Asa was a romantic at heart while he knew nothing about how to court a woman. The cheerleader in high school didn’t count. She bat for the other team, and to help her while she sorted through the confusion of her sexuality in a small town where people still had close-minded beliefs, Rhys played along and became her boyfriend during their senior year. His phone buzzed.

  “If you plan on breaking Asa’s heart, I’m gonna string you up by the balls on the school’s flag pole.”

  “Still full of attitude.”

  “I’m serious, Rhys. Now what do you want?”

  “Guess?”

  She sighed, the sound full of frustration. “Look, it was my bad for inviting you two to my party and worse, that I told her you wanted to speak to her in the back bedroom. But I won’t let you break her heart again. Does she know?”

  “Know what?”

  “Don’t play dumb. You haven’t told Asa you have a friend with benefits waiting for you in Cali, have you?”

  “How —”

  “Lucas told me, okay? Asa is my friend.”

  “Look, I’m glad she has you to watch her back,” he said. “And Lucas is a bastard for discussing my personal business with you, but for what it’s worth, I haven’t seen that gal for over six months now.”

  Eve made a choking noise. “You’re telling me you haven’t had sex in over six months?”

  “It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Eve. But we’re not here to talk about my sex life. I need some advice.”

  “Shoot.”

  He smiled. He’d always thought it was strange that outgoing Eve had become Asa’s best friend, but now he understood why. They were very much alike. Asa just kept her personality hidden while Eve’s was out there for the world to see.

  “Did Asa tell you what happened later that night?”

  “You mean after you two slept together and she ran off crying? I had to drive her home, and she refused to speak to me.”

  “You’re making me feel like shit all over again.”

  “You should. She never said a word to me, but after that night, she wasn’t the same, Rhys. Then when her father died . . .”

  He pulled his arm back, ready to smash his fist into the side of the workshop. Instead, he smacked his palm on the wood exterior and rested his forehead on its rough surface.

  “I saw the truth in her eyes, Eve. She loved me, and I felt the same, but the thought of abandoning my dream in order to love her had me scared. So I told one of the guys it was a mistake to sleep with Asa.”

  Yeah, he was a coward for not using the exact words he had uttered that night.

  “And you said it so she overheard you, right?”

  He didn’t answer. They both knew she had. How else to explain Asa’s tears?

  “You’re a jerk, Rhys Miles. Why should I help you?”

  “Because I want her.”

  A low growl rumbled through the phone line. “She’s not a prize, jackass.”

  He blew out a breath. “It came out wrong. See what I mean? I’ll always say the wrong things.”

  “Now, you’re whining.”

  Rhys clenched his jaw. What did Lucas find attractive about Eve?

  “If you want to prove to Asa you love her, you have to show her she’s more important to you than your racing. Otherwise, she’ll always see herself as second best. That’s not where a woman likes to be. A woman wants to be number one in her man’s heart.”

  “And how do I do that? Racing has been my life. I won’t quit for a woman.”

  Eve growled again. “You don’t have to, moron. But you have to accept Asa for who she is. She’s an introvert.”

  “And intro what?”

  “God, Rhys, did you get hit over the head or something? Or maybe taken one too many falls? Look, she might chat it up with customers until her face hurts from smiling. She might read to the elderly until her voice is hoarse. And she might volunteer to watch Sandy’s little boy even though she’s dead tired on her feet. But at the end of the day, Asa likes to be by herself. That’s how she recharges. And, she’s not a party girl nor does she like big events. Too many people.”

  “What you’re telling me is nothing new,” he reminded her. “I’ve known her as long as you have.”

  “Yeah, but you didn’t have to listen and see her face as she gave a blow-by-blow of what you told her had happened at the latest parties you went to — the drinking, the women, or of the groupies at your signings.”

  Shit, he should have known better than to tell Asa those things. But he had considered her his best friend. She had listened and didn’t judge. Yet that whole time, she listened and had hurt.

  “Just tell me how to make it up to her, Eve.”

  Silence. He waited. Why did he have a feeling he wasn’t gonna like what she had to say. Her heavy sigh wasn’t reassuring either.

  “I want you two to be together, I really do, Rhys. I just don’t know if it’ll work. Both of you were raised to hide your emotions. I’ve only seen Asa cry once. Even at her father’s funeral, she didn’t cry. And you? I have no clue other than you’re more relaxed and happy when you’re with her. Then you started dating that cheerleader our senior year and things changed.”

  Rhys pushed open the door of the workshop, grabbed their jackets and locking the door behind him while balancing the cell phone on his shoulder, he listened to Eve’s advice with a heavy heart.

  “If you love Asa, stay away from her. Say what you need to her, then leave and never come back to Willowbrook. Stick around as her friend, and she’ll always hold out hope that you’ll change your mind, and love her as more. That’s not fair to her. She deserves to be happy.”

  “So I should keep my distance and wait for her to call when she’s found someone and wants me back as her friend?” That idea didn’t sit well with him.

  “No, stranger.” Eve’s voice was full of pity. “She won’t be calling you. Ever. She deleted you from her contacts list in the emergency department the night of the accident. And once she gives her heart to another, you’ll be a distant memory.”

  “So things are serious between her and her guy?”

  “What guy?”

  “Thanks, Eve.” The tightness in his chest subsided. “And I won’t stay away from her. I need her. I love her. Just tell me what to do, what the next step is.”

  “What you’re doing right now, Rhys. Tell her exactly what you said to me.”

  “You’re a good friend. I’ll do right by her. I won’t disappoint you or her.”

  She laughed. “I’ll hold you to those words.”

  Rhys smiled. “And I like my balls, so no, you can’t have them to string on the school’s flag pole.”

  They said their goodbyes and hung up. Asa told him she wouldn’t sleep with him again, and he respected her decision. Love with her sex, she’d said. He would give her both. On her terms and when she was ready.

  Chapter Seven

  Asa waited o
n the couch while Rhys took a shower and changed into clean clothes. Earlier, she thought he’d be gone a few minutes, but the minutes turned into two hours. From inside the house, she heard the sound of him outside chopping wood.

  When he returned with an armful of firewood, he seemed different — more optimistic and . . . happy? God, he had looked so sexy when he walked through the door.

  And when he had rested on his haunches to set the firewood on the tile surround . . . Asa shifted. Rhys had a fine ass. Afterward, he came over and apologized for being out so long without letting her know where he was. The scent of him — fresh cut wood mixed in with cool snow — had her lips parting as she leaned toward him.

  If he hadn’t cleared his throat, she would have licked him like a yummy lollipop. Asa groaned, recognizing she shouldn’t be having these thoughts. They had more to talk about. Hell, her head was ready to explode from all they had discussed and felt in the workshop.

  She’d confessed. He hadn’t said he forgave her but told her why he rejected her. She didn’t believe him. The two big issues from their past were still unresolved. Why did she think things would be so simple?

  After their kiss and her willingness to stay with him, it was obvious she wanted to be with him, but she wouldn’t carry her feelings into the bedroom. If she slept with Rhys again, there would be no going back. She wasn’t like her mother. He would be the only man for her.

  Even at the young age of twenty-two, she understood and accepted that. But could Rhys make her number one in his life? Or would his racing be the end to all they could possibly have? The sound of water stopped, and Asa waited. Would today be their last together? She expected the power to come on soon. The previous time it had snowed like this, the power came back in two days.

  From the corner of her eye, she caught a glimpse of him, but wanting a better view, she turned in her seat. Her gaze soaked him in. What was it about a man and his low-slung jeans? Top the casual look with a loose fitting t−shirt, and her mouth watered.

  “You want a fire?” His gaze dropped to her shirt. She had changed into a scoop neck, the low cut exposing her cleavage. The smolder in the depths of his hazel eyes excited and scared her.

  “It’s warm enough, don’t you think?” she stammered. Was it a mistake to tell him no sex when her body and heart craved him inside her?

  “A fire would be romantic,” he said.

  Laughter shot out of her at the word romantic uttered from Rhys’s normally non-romantic mouth, but she faltered when an expression of hurt crossed his face. Smooth, Asa. She attempted a smile. “A fire would be nice.”

  He nodded. “I know it’s only mid-afternoon, but with the snow and all . . .” He shrugged appearing very uncomfortable.

  “I think it’s a great idea,” she said giving him another smile. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.”

  “Why were you out there chopping wood? I thought Jo had plenty of pieces ready to go.”

  Walking over, he knelt in front of the fireplace and, with his back to her, said, “I had some thinking to do. I think best when I’m doing something.”

  “Oh,” was her only response.

  “How about you come over here and keep me company?” he said over his shoulder.

  Ah-uh. “I would but my stomach’s grumbling.”

  The twinkle in his eyes as he turned to look at her blinded her. At the moment, she loved her grumbling stomach.

  “Okay, Asa, how about we have lunch first and —

  “— a romantic fire later,” she finished and beamed as he laughed.

  ”Cheese quesadillas, okay?”

  “You remembered.”

  “Of course,” he said. “It was our staple during late nights of studying at my grandmother’s.”

  She wanted to throw her arms around him for remembering, but instead she took the hand he offered as he yanked her off of the couch.

  For the next hour, they ate, and afterwards, while Rhys cleaned up in the kitchen, she watched the news on the Pacific Northwest’s twenty-four hours regional channel. Apparently, the snow storm faded as it had traveled north to Ashton, giving Ashton only a dusting of snow.

  “Looks like a warm front is moving in for folks southwest of Ashton,” the weatherman on the television said. “Expect the snow to melt rapidly as the temperature rises.”

  At the mention of temperature rising, she glanced over her shoulder. Gotta love a man who didn’t mind doing the dishes.

  “Did you hear that, Rhys?” she asked as she shifted in her seat to look toward the kitchen. Otherwise, she’d get a knot in her neck. With his brow furrowed, he ran his fingers over the fronts of the bottles on the spice racks.

  “Rhys?”

  He glanced up. “Huh?”

  “The guy on the news said the snow’s gonna melt, a warm front’s coming.”

  “Oh,” he said seeming distracted. “That’s good.” He directed his sight at the fireplace. “I should make that fire then.”

  She didn’t argue when he marched past her and hunkered in front of the fireplace with a determined set to his shoulders. Within minutes, he had a fire going.

  The flames flared, and Asa realized she liked the sight, sounds, and smell of a fire. Wanting to enjoy the moment with him, she stood and plopped herself next to Rhys with their backs rested against the couch.

  He patted the side of him closest to the fire. When she shook her head, he reached over, grabbed her, and settled her in his lap. Tucked in his arms, she watched chunks of snow fall off tree branches through the picture window in the living room. The weatherman wasn’t joking when he’d said the snow would melt quickly.

  “I forgot to mention the news guy said power should be back soon,” she said.

  “Good.”

  They sat in silence, and though it was a comfortable quiet, she wished she had the guts to be the first to bring up the subject they weren’t willing to talk about — him leaving soon. What else would he do once the snow melted and his grandmother’s affairs were settled?

  Thinking this might be the last time she’d see him, Asa leaned her shoulder closer into him. At first, his body tensed as though her nearness caused him pain. Then he relaxed before tightening his hold on her waist.

  “We need to talk,” he said.

  Ah, so he gathered his courage first. Why wouldn’t he? He was the brave one of the two of them. She shifted in his lap to get up, but he grabbed her arms and wound them around his neck.

  “Asa —”

  “If we talk about you leaving and not coming back, I’ll cry.”

  She bit her bottom lip. Two people who kept their emotions hidden. It wouldn’t work, and Rhys wouldn’t change for her, nor did she expect him to. He’d continue to withhold his feelings, and if and when he decided to show them, he might say god-awful things, leaving her to wonder if what he had said was true or if he said the opposite of what he had meant.

  “I won’t put you down for showing you care or become the opposite of the angel I know you to be.” He skimmed his finger down the side of her face. “It’s okay if you want to cry, sweetheart. I’ll accept your anger and sadness any time. You’re only human.”

  He was right. Unprepared for the love in his voice, her tears started, and she couldn’t stop them. Oh, God, why did Rhys have to go and be the good guy she’d known him to always be? Why couldn’t he be a jerk? It would make ending their friendship easier.

  But, Asa wouldn’t let his words sway her. He loved her because . . . because they were friends and nothing more.

  “Finish what we started a year ago,” she said, her voice falling to a whisper. “Apologize for your hurtful words, and I’ll forgive you. Give me your forgiveness for blaming you for my father’s death, and I’ll forget how much you mean to me. I don’t want you in my life anymore, Rhys.”

  His face hardened, and she scrambled off his lap. She’d never seen him this angry before, even after her accusation.

  “Why, Asa? Is there another guy? C
uz, I’ve got it from a good source you’re not involved. Was my source wrong?” He stood and backed her against the couch.

  “I know what you’re trying to do.” She jabbed her finger into his chest. “You want me to say the words. Well, I won’t.” She shoved, and he stumbled back. “I might be human, but I won’t bare my heart and soul to you again only to have you reject me. And there is no other guy. It’s always been you. Only you.” She covered her face to hide her hurt.

  He grabbed her hands and lifted them away. “Prove I’m the only one for you, the most important person to you. Come back with me to San Diego.”

  She shook her head in confusion. Again, Rhys did a three-sixty. When had he started this? In their past conversations, he’d kept to the subject.

  He gripped her waist, bringing her back to the present. “Look around you. Willowbrook is dying slowly with its empty businesses. A new city would be good for you.”

  “I can’t. There’s the café, the senior center, Sandy’s son. They need me.”

  “Maybe it’s the other way around. Maybe you need them more. Personally, I think they’ll survive a couple of months without you. Take a chance, Asa,” he said setting his forehead on hers. “We’ve been apart long enough. I miss you, and you missed me. Admit it.”

  “I do miss you, missed you like crazy, but I can’t go back with you.”

  “So, what then? Our weekly phone calls and text messages again? I want more than that. I want to hold you, touch you. Don’t you want the same?”

  “What you’re asking is too much.”

  He groaned. “Step away from the routine of your life. Live a little.”

  For some reason, his words grated on her nerves. “Live a little?” Her voice rose. “I have. Every chance I get. Just because I’m not in front of a crowd or traveling from city to city doesn’t mean I live a dull life, Rhys.”

  Not caring that she had no shoes on, she charged past him and out the door.

  “Get the hell back in the house, Asa,” he called after her.

  Ignoring him, she hurried toward her place. Breathe in, breathe out. Don’t cry, don’t show your anger. That’s what her father would say to her if he were alive. Too bad she was faltering in following his teachings after less than forty-eight hours with Rhys.