Uniting Hearts: Discovering Me #3

by A. M. Arthur

  “Separation process. It sounds like you guys are getting a divorce.”

  “I guess emotionally we are. We’ve been in each other’s back pocket for the last five years, Cole. It’ll be weird not having her around town, just a phone call away.”

  I wanted to empathize with Jeremy and this particular pain, but I had no personal experience with that sort of loss. Yes, I’d mourned my parents when they died but neither of their deaths had been unexpected, and I’d emotionally distanced myself from them years before. While on the run from Martin, I’d grieved having a stable place to live and food to eat, but I hadn’t mourned him or our relationship at all.

  “I hate that you’re hurting over this,” I said, which was true. I hated the way Bethann was jerking him around, even if unintentionally, and I wanted to make this better for Jeremy. But I was also terrified by the idea of him adopting the baby.

  “Maybe her moving out is for the best, I don’t know. We can really talk about this as a ‘you and me.’ Not a ‘you and me and our roommate,’ you know?”

  “She could have at least told you she was going with Lucy, instead of her showing up like that.”

  “True. That I am a little pissed about. She drops these two huge bombs on me, both moving away and giving up the baby, and then she just…leaves. No more conversation.” Jeremy rested a hand on my knee. “Then again, we need to finish our conversation.”

  My stomach sloshed with acid. “You want to be a dad.”

  His eyes flickered. “Yes, I do. I never imagined being a dad this month, or even this year, but it could happen now. But I did imagine that if I became a dad one day, it was because me and my partner, whatever their gender, decided it’s what we both want. You’re my partner, Cole, and I can’t say yes to the adoption if you aren’t on board, too. Not as a fellow adoptive parent, but as my partner in raising her.”

  I hid a flinch at the “not as a fellow adoptive parent” bit, because he wasn’t saying he wouldn’t want me to adopt her, too, one day. He was trying to lay out our current situation in the simplest terms. “I want you to be happy. I want you to do what will make you happy. Will being a dad make you happy?”

  “Yes.” The hand on my knee squeezed, and his eyes filled with so much emotion my heart hurt. “But what won’t make me happy is losing you because of it. Right now, you are my entire heart, Cole. But if I adopt the baby, she’ll get a big piece of it, and I’ll be crushed if I have to give up one half of that heart.”

  I covered his hand with mine, hating the grief in his voice. “I don’t know what kind of promises I can make here. I love you, Jeremy Collins, and I know I don’t say it as often as you, but I do. So much. But I have to be honest and say I am terrified of this. Raising a kid.”

  “I know you are. This is an unfair situation for us to be in, especially with our relationship less than a year old. But we have a strong foundation, you and me. It’ll be stressful. We’ll probably fight because most parents fight about one thing or another. But we also promised each other months ago to never go to bed angry or upset at the other person. I believe we can do this, but I respect the fact that you might not.”

  “I believe with my whole heart that you can do this.”

  “But you don’t believe in yourself.”

  “No, I don’t.” I hated the resignation in Jeremy’s expression, because I wasn’t saying no. “Do you have to tell Bethann yes or no right away? Or can we sit on this for a day or two?”

  “She didn’t give me a specific time table, but we have to decide by the end of the week when the baby is discharged.”

  By the end of the week when, hopefully, my land would be sold and I’d finally have financial freedom to pursue whatever career or future I wanted. But how could I go away to college if I committed to raising a kid with Jeremy?

  I’m thirty years old. Putting off college for another few years isn’t that big of a deal.

  “If we have a few days,” I said, “then let’s eat lunch. I can hear your stomach growling. We don’t have to decide anything today.”

  “Except maybe what we’re having for lunch?” Jeremy winked. “You know what? Let’s splurge. Let’s go to the Sow’s Ear. I want ribs.”

  I blinked hard several times. “You want to go there today of all days?”

  “Why not? Gossip is going to start whether we eat out or stay in, and by eating out, we’re showing we did nothing wrong in this situation. We aren’t hiding from what’s going on. My lips are still zipped about Bethann, though, because she didn’t give me permission to share anything.”

  “Mine, too. Zipped and locked.”

  “Let’s go get lunch then.”

  It was too damned hot to walk so we took my car. We’d missed the lunch rush and were seated quickly by the hostess. Suzy ended up being our waitress, but she didn’t ask questions or give us any funny looks. Simply took our orders for drinks and the Cajun shrimp skewers to start. I loved those things. Just the right amount of heat without making me sweat. Jeremy got his platter of ribs, and I settled on a pulled pork sandwich.

  The Sow’s Ear really did have the best barbecue in the county, and they offered an array of condiments, including their own version of vinegar-based Carolina barbecue sauce. I slathered my sandwich in it when the plate arrived. We got a few curious looks, but most folks from Franklin were used to seeing us together, and any tourists didn’t have a clue who we were or the drama we were currently embroiled in.

  Although calling it drama made the entire thing feel cheap and silly when it was anything but. Four lives were in play right now, and our decisions going forward would be felt by us all for years. And the baby was the most innocent life in the mix, unable to advocate for herself or what she wanted. Our choices would shape her life.

  Could I risk saying no to Jeremy, insisting I wasn’t ready to be a parent with him, and let the baby be adopted by some unknown couple, knowing full-well Jeremy would be an amazing dad? I could help him with the technical, day-to-day stuff like bottles and diapers and let him do the nurturing, loving stuff. Wouldn’t that be better than sending the newborn off to God knew who?

  “Cole?” Jeremy tapped the back of my hand, which was flat to the table. “You okay?”

  “Yeah, got lost in thought for a minute.”

  “I could tell. Anything you want to talk about?”

  “Not today. Let’s enjoy lunch and then go have a lazy afternoon. Just you and me.”

  One eyebrow raised slightly, as if reading more into the words than were there—but I’d said them on purpose. If we adopted Bethann’s baby, it wouldn’t be “just you and me” again for a long damned time. And I planned on taking full advantage, as long as Jeremy was on board with my plans.

  Since we were both stuffed from lunch, we curled up on the couch to watch a movie. I sat with my back to the armrest and spread my legs so Jeremy could sit between them, his back to my chest. Usually, we sat the other way around so he could be the big spoon. Today, I wanted to give him comfort and show solidarity with my boyfriend. I also used the position to subtly slide my fingertips from his hips to his upper thighs, thumbs close to his groin.

  As awareness overtook him, his dick began tenting his jeans. He pushed his ass more firmly against my own dick, which got right into the game. While I loved fucking Jeremy, sometimes I loved nothing more than simply rolling around in bed naked with him until we both got off. Knowing how safe I was with him, that he’d never pin me down and take what I wasn’t willing to give. Never choke me with his dick or fuck me until I bled.

  Jeremy leaned his head back on my shoulder and licked the side of my neck. “Can I suck you?”

  “Definitely.”

  He slid right off the couch to his knees, while I undid my belt and fly, and then he took over undressing me. Sliding those light linen pants off my legs and carelessly tossing them aside. Doing the same for my briefs but leaving my shirt on. He took his own shirt off, but didn’t touch his jeans. The complete opposite way we were dress
ed was incredibly hot. He gazed at my erection and licked his lips but made no move to touch it.

  “It’s easier to suck when your mouth’s around it,” I teased.

  “Just admiring you, babe.”

  I blushed, still not used to his praise about my appearance, even after all these months. I didn’t have as many scars on the front of my body as on my back and the backs of my legs, but some days I still felt too skinny, too fat, too…whatever Martin had decided I was at any given moment. But Jeremy never criticized; he only praised.

  Jeremy pushed my shirt up and kissed my navel. I laughed at the ticklish gesture and carded my fingers through his thick, dark hair, urging him to play. In a move I didn’t expect, he shoved his head beneath my t-shirt and started kissing and sucking on my abdomen. Then up to my nipples, stretching the fabric in a hilarious way when he could have just taken it off me. Our dicks brushed with no real pressure. I squeezed his ribs and he hooted laughter, because his ribs were one of Jeremy’s most ticklish spots.

  His head popped out, eyes sparkling with mischief. “You trying to start something, Alston?”

  “Absolutely. I thought you wanted to suck my dick?”

  “I didn’t specify which part of you I wanted to suck.” With a sexy smirk, he tugged my shirt off and set to work sucking my nipples again, one then the other, until I was humping up, desperate for pressure on my dick, but the devil was keeping his hips away.

  Those wonderful sucking kisses moved up to my collarbone, where he played for a while before reaching my neck. I tried to capture his mouth with mine, to get a taste of my boyfriend, but he started traveling south again. The long, slow way he played with my navel had me alternately laughing and moaning, because his chin kept hitting the base of my dick.

  “Spread your legs,” he said. I did without hesitation. He lifted my dick out of the way and spent a few minutes sucking on my balls.

  “Fuck, I need to come,” I said, panting now. Going a bit out of my mind. We kept lube in the TV stand, and it would be so easy to get it. To bend Jeremy over the back of the couch and fuck him. But I didn’t. I let him lead, let him play and do what he wanted. God knew our life was about to get stressful enough. I could give him this.

  “Are you sure?” Jeremy kissed the tip of my dick. “There’s another part of you I’d kind of like to suck on.”

  My belly wobbled with desire and nerves. While I’d rimmed Jeremy a handful of times, always as a prelude to fucking, he’d only done me once after I mentioned no one ever had. I’d loved everything about it until he’d absently added a finger to the play, and then I’d tensed up. Nearly flashed back to the rough ways Martin used to fuck me. Even though I knew I was safe with Jeremy, that he wouldn’t have done more than tease me with that finger, we’d stopped and talked.

  And I wanted to try again.

  “What part?” I asked as I quirked an eyebrow.

  His sexy smirk sent fire right to my groin. “Want me to show you?”

  “Go for it.”

  Instead of moving me into position, he lunged forward to capture my mouth. The blazing kiss sent me from this could be fun to right the hell now! I could probably get off on Jeremy’s kisses alone but I wanted more. I tore away from him and knelt on the cushion, hands on the back of the couch. My view was of our beautiful, memory-filled kitchen as he parted my cheeks. I fought back the instinct to pause things so I could go shower, be squeaky clean like I’d done for eight long years, but Jeremy always said he didn’t mind. Sex got dirty and mess happened. So I relaxed into his loving care.

  Hot breath gusted across my hole several times before the first, light swipe of his tongue woke my nerve endings. I gasped at the second swipe and arched my back, my body silently asking for more. He gave me more, licking and stroking over my entrance, while one hand alternated rolling my balls and rubbing my taint. I wasn’t ready for him to fuck me, and I might never be, but I completely trusted him never to hurt me. To always take care of me.

  And when Jeremy sealed his lips around my hole and sucked, I came, coating the back of the couch and my own dick with come. He didn’t stop, though, eating me out for a long time, while I relaxed against the couch, my head pillowed on my arms, allowing Jeremy to gorge himself on this special thing.

  He began kissing his way up my spine, and the heat of his body draped itself across my back, his cock hot and heavy against my ass. I didn’t tense, didn’t wonder, didn’t even question it. He licked the back of my neck, then nuzzled behind one ear, asking a silent question.

  “You can faux-fuck me,” I whispered. “Please.”

  “Thank you.” With my own come for slick, Jeremy pushed his dick between my thighs and thrust until he came, his spend joining mine on the couch and between my legs. We stayed like that for a few moments, and I pretended he was inside me. That he’d filled me so wonderfully and taken perfect care of me. A fantasy that would probably never be reality, but I was still only three years out of Martin’s cruel hold.

  Maybe in time.

  “That was amazing,” I purred, exhausted and so content I didn’t want to ever move. Too bad we hadn’t done this in bed, because my knees were getting sore and we had to clean the couch.

  “Yeah, it was.” Jeremy sat down and pulled me onto his lap for a kiss. “Thank you for all that. I loved it.”

  “So did I.”

  He searched my face for a moment. “Any bad thoughts?”

  “No. It all felt so good.”

  “I could tell.” He nuzzled the tip of his nose against mine. “Does it make me a caveman to say I’m kind of proud of myself for making you come without either of us touching your dick?”

  “Nah, not a caveman. Just a proud boyfriend with a very talented mouth.”

  “I can live with that. And you really didn’t have a single issue with what we did?”

  I loved how thoughtfully he checked in with me after sex, and hopefully this overprotectiveness would diminish over time, because the double-checking could be a touch annoying. I knew my own mind. But he did it because he loved me. “Yes, I promise I’m great with what we did. And we are definitely doing it again. Maybe in bed next time, so we can faux-fuck on our sides and cuddle better after.”

  “Deal. Ugh, I guess we should go shower and then clean the couch.”

  “Go on up and get the water started. I want to at least get the bulk of the jizz off the cushions so it isn’t too crusty later.”

  Jeremy chuckled, kissed me, and then we helped each other stand. I swatted his ass as he walked away, and the heat in his eyes suggested I’d pay for that in the shower with a lot of teasing. I watched his taut ass as he ascended the stairs, overjoyed with what we’d shared today, confident in us as a couple.

  But as parents of a newborn?

  Nope. I was still fucking terrified of that—seemingly inevitable—possibility.

  6

  JEREMY

  Sex with Cole was always special, and each time a small part of me still marveled at the incredible trust we’d built. I treasured that trust every single day and even more so after the sex we shared today. It had been unscripted and fun, and I spent the rest of the day proud over making Cole come like that.

  We didn’t talk about Bethann or the baby, and we mostly ignored our cell phones. I answered a few business-related inquiries in between watching a few episodes of a new Netflix show we’d both wanted to try. Since we’d eaten such a heavy lunch, we had simple sandwiches and chips for dinner. Then we locked up and went to our bedroom to relax. Relaxation turned into friskiness, and we ended up blowing each other. We’d perfected the art of sixty-nineing because we both loved to see who could get the other off first.

  I won that night and eagerly swallowed Cole’s gift, before blasting off in his mouth a few moments later.

  So perfect.

  I had to open the store the next morning, and I braced for gossipers the moment I unlocked the front door. The porch was empty, though, and I sent a silent thank you to whoever above was g
iving me mercy today. Bethann must have kept the adoption offer to herself, because I’d expected to be harangued about the decision first-thing. Not even Lucy stopped by. Just regular customers and folks passing through on the interstate.

  Cole brought my lunch down at noon, and Meredith came in at two to close the shop. I went out to the workshop to take pictures of online items and go through another box from my Tisdale pick. Cole wasn’t working on his bench, but he did text that dinner would be ready at six.

  The mental image of Cole cooking dinner while our baby girl sat in her bouncy seat with a pacifier in her mouth hit me all at once, and it took my breath away. I wanted that future. Almost yearned for it. I wanted to adopt the baby. Somehow, I had to get Cole to believe in himself the way I believed in him. He had so much love bottled up inside of him after so many years of being alone and betrayed that he probably didn’t realize it was there. Didn’t recognize those emotions anymore.

  I’d fallen in love with Cole weeks before he fell in love with me and could say the words. Before he could trust himself to love and to be loved in return, without expectation of violence or reprisals for minor infractions. Yesterday, he’d shown how much he’d grown and cemented that trust in how we’d made love on the couch.

  “You’ll be an amazing father, Cole,” I said to my workbench. “You just have to give yourself the chance.”

  I finished up my work for the day at five-thirty and went into the house. The scent of Cole’s homemade pasta sauce drifted down as I ascended the stairs, and I tracked it to a pot simmering on the stovetop. Another pot of water was waiting for the future pasta, but Cole was nowhere to be seen. Then the pipes rattled softly as he flushed upstairs. I washed my hands at the sink and had to use the bar of Lava soap, because I’d been touching some grimy stuff today and didn’t want to get it all over Cole.

  Arms slipped around my waist from behind while I was drying my hands, and his chin landed on my shoulder. “Good day at work?” he asked.