Uniting Hearts: Discovering Me #3

by A. M. Arthur

  “No, I don’t. But physically taking an action and emotionally accepting the results are two different things. I think we’re all experiencing that to a degree.”

  “If our joint increased coffee consumption is any indication, I’d say to a high degree.” I smiled and pinched his thigh. “You’re amazing with her. Have I said that today?”

  “Not today. You’re pretty amazing with her, too, you know.”

  “Your faith in me helps.”

  “I’ll always believe in you, Cole.”

  The heat in his dark eyes prompted me to lean in closer. Inhale the scent of tea on his breath. Lick my own lips a moment before I—a cry wailed over the monitor.

  “Damn it.” Jeremy sighed. “I’ll go. When was her last bottle?”

  “She slept the whole time you were gone, so when you fed her last. Think she’s hungry?”

  “Probably. Can you get a bag of milk out of the fridge?”

  “Definitely.”

  Bethann had been pumping since giving birth, partly to relieve the pressure of her swollen breasts, but also to provide Annabeth with the nourishment that a mother’s milk gave to her newborn. We alternated it with formula, too, because as soon as Bethann left town, that source would go with it and Jeremy wanted to make the frozen breast milk supply stretch for as long as possible.

  I poured a bag of milk into a bottle and set it in the warmer to come up to temperature. So many baby things now decorated the countertops of our kitchen, from a bottle rack to a stack of burping cloths. Hiding the things away in cabinets, like some of our lesser-used appliances, made no sense since we used this stuff multiple times a day and would for the foreseeable future. And as much as I resented it some days, all I needed to see was Jeremy smile and I remembered why the stress was worth it.

  My bank account had more money in it than I knew what to do with, and for the first time in my life, I didn’t have to worry about my finances. I wasn’t living paycheck-to-paycheck or relying on scholarships, or scrounging for pennies in the backseat of my car to buy a hot dog from a street vendor. I hadn’t traded in my car because I didn’t have time, and I didn’t want to drag Annabeth along with me when I did. Jeremy would have a fit; the nearest dealership was twenty miles up the interstate and I’d have to drive my crap car.

  Little Annabeth was exactly four weeks old and I hadn’t fucked my boyfriend for a month—the longest spell we’d ever gone—when Bethann called and said she’d found a sub-letter for her place. She’d even gotten a couple hundred extra bucks in exchange for the furniture and other odd contents. The nearest major bus station was an hour north in Reynolds, and she had a ticket to go west that left on Wednesday.

  Jeremy agreed to drive her.

  Eleanor Smith would babysit Annabeth for a few hours. We both trusted her, because she’d raised five kids of her own, and she regularly watched her own grandchildren. I had less of an emotional stake in Bethann leaving than Jeremy, but he wouldn’t be okay once she got on that bus. I couldn’t let him be alone afterward.

  Jeremy drove my car, because the van only seated two, and Bethann sat up front with him. No one said much on the drive to Reynolds. I mostly watched the scenery pass by, with stretches of quiet countryside interrupted by busier towns or rest stops. Billboards advertising everything from fast food to God to local attractions. Some sort of indoor and outdoor adventure park intrigued me.

  Reynolds was a sprawling college town I’d visited maybe twice when I was a kid, and a lot had changed from what I remembered. Traffic was heavy, but it was also August and students were likely flocking back to campus for the new semester. I couldn’t recall the college’s mascot, only that residents took their football team very seriously.

  GPS eventually landed us at the bus station, and Jeremy pulled up in the drop-off area Bethann indicated. We all got out of the idling car. I fetched her single suitcase from the trunk and brought it over, so torn over this departure. Until these last couple of weeks, I’d seen Bethann as a person to tolerate. Now, I truly did consider her a friend and regretted all the time I’d spent disliking her. Resenting her, even.

  “Good luck with what you choose to do, Cole,” she said to me, eyes bright with tears. “I hope whatever it is, it makes you happy.”

  “Thank you. Same to you, and I do mean that.” I pulled her into a hug. “I hope you find your joy out there. I truly do.”

  “Thanks.” In my ear, she whispered, “Take care of him for me.”

  “Always.” I kissed her cheek before I let her go, then moved closer to the car so Jeremy and she could have a private moment.

  Jeremy hugged her for a long time, swaying a bit as emotions played out in them both. So many things I couldn’t hope to understand, because their relationship was unique to them. Years ago, she’d saved Jeremy’s life so he could start over and be here today, loving me and raising Annabeth. Giving Bethann the chance to start her own life over and be happy. She deserved happiness.

  They whispered to each other before parting, both wiping tears from their eyes. Bethann squeezed his hand one more time before taking the handle of her suitcase, turning, and walking into the crowd. Jeremy stood there a beat, shoulders stooped. I gave him a few seconds before walking over and gently tugging him toward the car. Other people needed our space, and he could feel his emotions more acutely in private.

  I put him in the passenger seat, then rounded to the driver’s side. With no clear idea what to do next, I drove for a while until I found a large, free parking lot in an area of town that was residential on one side and the start of small business, restaurants and boutiques on the other. I found a spot and pulled in, leaving the car idling for the a/c. Jeremy was staring at his lap, hands trembling slightly, so unhappy I ached for him.

  “Bethann is tough and stubborn,” I said. “Wherever she lands, she’ll be okay.”

  “I know.” He looked up, his dark eyes red-veined and a little puffy. “I just…it’s hard knowing she isn’t going to be a phone call away anymore. Probably not for a long time, if ever. But if she finds peace…if she finds joy, then this is the best thing for everyone.”

  What about me, Jeremy? What if my joy isn’t in Franklin but far away at college?

  No, that was selfish to think about right now. Jeremy’s best friend had just left on a bus to God knew where, and he needed a distraction. I pulled out my phone and searched for local attractions in Reynolds, and the first hit—after the college—was right across the street from us.

  “Neighborhood Shindig,” I said.

  “What?”

  “It’s the place right over there.” I pointed across the parking rows to a fenced-in lot the size of a city block. The peaked shape of some sort of pavilion or awning was just visible beyond the fence. “It was at the top of the list of local attractions. It’s got food trucks and little shops, and they do live music on the weekends. Maybe we can walk around, get an early lunch.”

  It was only a few minutes after eleven, so I wasn’t very hungry, but I really wanted to distract Jeremy, instead of going home and letting him brood.

  “What about Annabeth?” Jeremy asked.

  “I told Mrs. Smith that we might not be home until around two or three. She’s more than capable of handling an infant for half the day.”

  He held my gaze a beat, before a knowing half-smile twisted his lips. He knew exactly what I was doing. “Okay. I’ve driven past it a few times but never had a chance to check it out.”

  “Awesome.”

  I loved the layout and vibe of the place the moment I walked through the main gates. A wide pavilion held court in the center of the lot and had both a small stage and a bunch of picnic tables underneath. More tables ringed the exterior of the pavilion, and various food trucks and small shops lined the perimeter of the lot. Directly to my left was a food truck called Stick It that smelled heavenly. A short distance away was another truck called Taco Not-Tuesday, which seemed weird but it wasn’t my business.

  And the place was,
for early on a Wednesday, pretty packed with customers both enjoying the food and carrying shopping bags. We explored for a while, ducking into the various shops. The used bookstore was jam-packed but also clean and organized. The place even had a hair salon, which surprised the hell out of me. We both got coffee at a truck that specialized in muffins and other baked goods that looked amazing.

  “This your first time here?” the girl behind the counter asked in a flirty tone.

  “How can you tell?” Jeremy replied.

  “You’ve both got the wide-eyed look of wonder that we usually see on first-timers. How do you like us so far?”

  “There’s plenty here to like.”

  Jeremy’s flirting got us both a discount on our coffee, and that amused the hell out of me. He was a born salesman and knew how to turn on the charm. The August sun was beating down on us, so we went under the pavilion to sit. Big fans in the ceiling kept air circulating. We passed a man and woman who were talking at one table, and Jeremy paused. Tilted his head.

  I stopped walking and turned to see what had caught his attention. He was staring at a brown-haired man, who finally realized he was being watched and looked up. “Clancy Jons?” Jeremy asked.

  The man squinted. “Yes. I’m the general manager here at Neighborhood Shindig. Is there something I can do for you?”

  Jeremy smiled. “I thought I recognized your voice. We’ve never met but I’m Jeremy Collins. You reached out a few weeks ago about helping you locate a vintage dining table and chairs.”

  “Ah yes, I thought you sounded familiar.” The pair shook hands. “This is Sadie Gomez, one of my employees.”

  “Nice to meet you. This is my boyfriend, Cole Alston.”

  I tensed at the label, but neither Clancy nor Sadie batted an eyelash over us being a couple. Then again, the average age of the people around us seemed to be mid-twenties or thereabouts, and some of the food trucks sported rainbow flags.

  “I want to thank you for putting me in touch with Alan,” Clancy said after he shook my hand, too. “He was able to find the exact set I wanted, and it should be arriving this week. It’s perfect for the remodel.”

  “I’m glad it worked out for you. Alan tends to specialize in mid-century finds, so I knew he’d be a better fit. But please think of me again if you need help finding other things, or have any leads on someone looking to sell a collection.”

  “I’ll do just that. How are you and Cole enjoying your visit to Shindig?”

  “It’s a great place. We happened to be in the city today, so we decided to give it a whirl. You’ve got something really special here.”

  “We do, thank you. It was nice to put a face to the name.”

  “Same. Take care.”

  We moved to another table and sat with our coffees. “How random was that?” I asked. “You stumbled over a client in a place this big.”

  “It’s really random. I hated losing the sale but Alan was a better choice to find what Clancy was looking for. And sometimes networking leads to new opportunities down the road.”

  “Good point.”

  The coffee was delicious but it started making me hungry, so I indulged in a big slice of foldable, New-York-style pepperoni pizza from the GourMelt truck. Jeremy took a big bite but didn’t get anything for himself. The distraction of the place was starting to wear off, and as much as I enjoyed the friendly atmosphere—plus the novelty of being somewhere no one knew me as the crazy Alston kid—it was probably time to head home.

  Clancy was at the kebab truck when we passed by, chatting with whoever was inside, and he waved as we left. Jeremy waved back. Clancy probably thought I was rude because I hadn’t said a word to him, but whatever. The chances of ever seeing the guy again were slim to none, leaning way closer to none.

  Jeremy drove us home, and he practically bolted out of the car and into the house. I moved at a normal pace, and when I got to the second floor, Jeremy was already holding a half-asleep Annabeth. Mrs. Smith watched him from an armchair, a hardback book open on her lap.

  “Somebody missed their wee one,” she teased. “Your girl is an absolute dream. Fussed once, but we took care of that diaper. Her last bottle was an hour ago. Formula as instructed.”

  “Thank you so much, Eleanor,” Jeremy said. “Today was hard, and I’m grateful Cole could go with me.”

  I very nearly hugged him for that, glad to know he had needed me today, just as I suspected he would. “Yes, thank you, Mrs. Smith,” I added.

  “It was no bother.” She gathered up her book and purse, and she waved Jeremy off when he tried to pass her some cash. “Bethann was family, working for us all these years, which makes Annabeth family. And I don’t charge family for babysitting, young man.”

  Jeremy smiled. “Then how about a family discount next time you or Elwood see something in the shop you can’t live without.”

  “Deal.” She winked as she passed him. “You boys take care, all right? I’ll let myself out.” The stairs creaked as she descended to the first floor.

  “Letting your momma go today sucked, baby girl,” Jeremy said. “I’m going to miss her like crazy, but I’ve got you.”

  That familiar flash of jealousy flickered behind my breastbone. I walked over and kissed his cheek. “You’ve got us both. Tell me what you need?”

  “I just need to hold her for a little while.” Jeremy eased onto the couch. “I’ve got her the rest of the afternoon. Why don’t you go do something in the workshop? You haven’t touched your bench in weeks.”

  “Um, okay.” I wanted to stay, even if all I did was sit and read quietly beside him, but I’d asked what he needed. And right now, it wasn’t me.

  I put some sweet tea in a reusable cup with a lid and straw, and I took it with me to the workshop. Cranked on the a/c to get a trickle of cool air into the stuffy space. The bench wasn’t speaking to me anymore, so I rummaged around in the pile of random things I’d collected over the last couple of months. Maybe I could make something for Annabeth’s room.

  Annabeth Collins. How was it possible to be so jealous of a newborn? She hadn’t done a single thing except exist, and I’d agreed to this adoption. I’d agreed to blow up my routines and our comfortable life by adding a child. And I’d done it because I knew it would make Jeremy happy. He was an amazing dad and he was so happy with her. I was the insecure one who was so used to being the person Jeremy needed for comfort that I got jealous of a baby.

  He deserves a better partner than me.

  Maybe he did, but in no universe was I strong enough to walk away from the most important relationship of my entire life. Jeremy wanted me here. He’d asked me to stay.

  So I’d stay until he asked me to go.

  8

  JEREMY

  The first few days after Bethann left on a Greyhound bus were actually kind of okay. We didn’t see each other every single day before, so it wasn’t very different from when we both had busy weeks and couldn’t do much more than text. But by Saturday, her absence was more visceral. More permanent. Because she’d asked me not to call or text. Said she’d reach out when she was ready.

  I had no idea where she was, or if she was okay, and it was starting to affect my mood in the store. More than once, I’d apologized to customers for being short-tempered, or for speaking more abruptly than necessary. I was curt to almost everyone from Franklin, even Meredith and Mr. Rafferty. Cole was subdued around the house, rarely speaking about anything not related to Annabeth, and that tension sucked the most.

  But I didn’t know how to fix it. All I could do was work through my grief over Bethann leaving and keep adjusting to being a dad.

  I loved every single thing about being a dad to Annabeth. Poopy diapers, three a.m. crying fits, cuddling her when she was awake, watching Cole feed her when I was so exhausted I thought I’d drop her. She looked amazing in my Cole’s arms, and I’d taken to stealthily snapping pictures of them with my phone.

  My Cole. I wouldn’t have gotten through any of the last f
ive weeks without him. Insisting on going with me to Reynolds had been exactly what I hadn’t realized I needed, and even our impromptu visit to Neighborhood Shindig had been perfect. A chance to simply be us for a few hours, away from all the rumors and whispers of Franklin folk. Cole was stronger than he realized, and his quiet strength fueled me when I wanted to collapse from physical and emotional exhaustion. Being a first-time parent was hard on everyone but most people got a nine-month notice. I’d had less than a week to mentally prepare for the idea of being a father.

  Saturday evening, I closed the shop and trudged upstairs, hungry, thirsty, and eager for snuggles from my two favorite people. Cole was buzzing around the stove cooking something, and Annabeth was in her bouncy seat on the counter, sucking on her pacifier. I scented the air but couldn’t figure out what he was cooking.

  “Hey, you,” I said so I didn’t startle him, even though he usually heard my heavy feet on the stairs.

  “Hey back,” he tossed over his shoulder. “Good sales today?”

  “Decent. Tried to talk a guy into buying that antique wood stove, but he kept trying to undercut my price too much. Would have barely covered what I paid for it and costs to restore it.”

  “Cheap people suck.”

  I opened the fridge and reached for the pitcher of sweet tea we always had on hand but it wasn’t there. Not on the counter, either, and I found the empty pitcher in the sink. “Hell.”

  Cole flashed me a guilty look. “I’m sorry, I meant to make a new batch earlier but then Annabeth got fussy, and I had to get dinner started, and I just now got the pot of water on to boil.”

  I grunted and poured myself cold water from the sink’s filter. Not what I wanted but I was thirsty and it was wet. I might have put my cup down on the counter a touch too hard, because Cole jumped.

  “I’m really sorry,” Cole said in a small voice. “I won’t do it again.”

  Shit.

  “Hey, it’s not a huge deal.” I slid closer to him and put a hand on his forearm. Tension rippled through his entire body, and I’d done that. Tea wasn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things, and I hated that I’d scared him. “Look at me, babe.”