Uniting Hearts: Discovering Me #3

by A. M. Arthur

  He groggily picked up with, “’llo?”

  “Hey, you okay?”

  “Yeah, sorry, I was getting in a power nap while Annabeth is down. What’s up?”

  “Got a great pick opportunity that I’m excited about, but it comes with somewhat bad news.”

  “How does a great pick come with bad news?”

  I described my phone call with Clancy. “The homeowner is taking the decluttering process fast so he can unload the property, so I’m driving up on Tuesday. I know it’s usually our day together as a family.”

  Cole didn’t speak right away. “It’s fine. This is good for your business so it’s good for Annabeth. We’ll be okay, and if I have any problems, I’ll call Mrs. Smith.”

  “Are you sure?” He sounded sure, but I didn’t miss that he’d said it was good for Annabeth, instead of repeating that it was good for our family.

  “I’m positive, and I’m glad you’re getting a chance to pick through the house.”

  I wished we were in the same room so I could see his face. See the tells he couldn’t hide. “Are you doing okay with what I said? About the hoarding?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine. Do you deal often with antique books?”

  “Not a lot, no, but the house has been in the family for a few generations, so I’m excited to look through the place. See what’s there. Clancy’s doing me a huge favor by letting me pick the antiques first.”

  “It’s almost like running into him that day in Reynolds was meant to be.”

  “I guess it kind of was. It’ll be nice having a contact up there. Anyway, I’m sorry I woke you, but I was excited about the lead and wanted to share.”

  “It’s fine, I doubt the quiet up here will last much longer. See you later.”

  “Yeah.”

  I had a text from Clancy with the address. With the shop empty, I went into my office and booted up the ancient desktop I used during quiet times. Usually to check my online auction items or do additional research on new inventory. I wanted to see where in Reynolds this house was, and maybe get a street view of the place. Stalk my latest pick site and get excited all over again.

  9

  COLE

  I spent the rest of Sunday afternoon alternating between being annoyed at Jeremy and appreciating his subtle way of protecting me. I absolutely did not resent him taking our Tuesday together off the table and going on a pick—especially not when he’d taken up very few leads these last two months. He needed product to keep his business alive, and getting first crack at the property in Reynolds was a great opportunity.

  No, my annoyance was couched in what he hadn’t asked me earlier on the phone. He hadn’t asked if I wanted to go with him. And I knew it was because the house had been owned by a hoarder, and Jeremy was trying to protect me from seeing another hoarded house. But damn it, he could have asked. Even if he knew I’d say no, he could have let me make the decision on my own, instead of making it for me.

  That annoyed the hell out of me. He believed in my ability to be a good dad to Annabeth. He supported my choice to return to college next fall. He loved me. But he still didn’t seem to trust me to manage my own mental health or know how to avoid triggers. If I was going to truly live a whole life, he had to stop keeping me rolled up in bubble wrap like one of his antiques.

  My annoyance made me scrap my idea for dinner and do a fridge clean-out instead. All the leftovers from previous meals ended up on the counter. I even rescued the last of the not-quite-limp veggies from the crisper drawer for a salad. Definitely needed to go grocery shopping soon and restock. With the baby, it was harder to manage three square meals a day, and I was often reduced to grazing in between seeing to her needs. Which was fine. She got fed, Jeremy got fed, and I fueled whenever I could.

  I smelled Annabeth’s diaper long before she began fussing, so I took her over to our emergency changing station on the kitchen table. Sometimes we didn’t have the energy to go upstairs and do it, so we left a changing mat, wipes, and a few extra diapers on the far end of the table.

  “For such a tiny baby, you really do make a big smell,” I said in a sing-song voice that made her laugh. She gurgled throughout the change. I’d been crazy nervous the first time I changed her by myself, with no supervision from Jeremy, and now I was pretty sure I could do it with my eyes closed.

  That’s because you went from an aspiring architecture student to a live-in nanny.

  Once in a while, old doubts and fears niggled at the back of my mind, reminding me this wasn’t the life I’d been planning. This wasn’t the future I’d spent the better part of the past year investigating and looking forward to. But this was the future I’d agreed to when I told Jeremy to adopt Annabeth. Parents sacrificed for their kids.

  Maybe she wasn’t legally mine in any way, but with each new day I spent with her, took care of her, and doted on her, she took another tiny piece of my heart. A heart I never imagined I’d give away to one person again, never mind two.

  She gazed up at me from the changing mat, wide eyes so innocent, and I tried to imagine her older. Wearing a colorful backpack and getting on the school bus for the first time. A pre-teen who’d snark at us one minute and then ask for advice the next. The idea of explaining her first menstrual cycle terrified me, but maybe Bethann would be back in her life by then and could take point.

  “If she ever comes back,” I said.

  The stairs creaked behind me. “If who comes back?” Jeremy asked.

  “Nothing, just baby chatter.” I picked Annabeth up and deposited her in Jeremy’s waiting arms. “Freshly changed, Dad.”

  “Hey, baby girl.” He kissed her forehead, then dropped a quick kiss on my lips, joy from today’s pick news still radiating in his smile and eyes. “Leftovers for dinner?”

  “Yeah, I want to clean things out. See what we need and go grocery shopping.”

  “How about you make the list and I’ll do the shopping? You’re opening the store tomorrow morning, right? I’ll take Annabeth with me and we’ll shop while you work.”

  I almost said I only worked until Meredith came in at one, so we could all three go shopping after lunch, but kept my mouth shut. He was, after all, doing me the favor of shopping for a change, and if he wanted daddy/daughter time, that was fine. “Yeah, okay.” I got two plates out of the cupboard, plus a few spoons for dipping into dishes, and I set about making myself a plate.

  Jeremy cooed over Annabeth for a while, before easing her into her bouncy seat, so he could make and heat a plate. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked after he slid onto a stool next to me with steaming food and a drink. “You seem off.”

  “Just tired.” My annoyance from earlier burbled up, though, and instead of keeping it in like I’d been trained to do with Martin, I said what was on my damned mind. “Why didn’t you ask me to go on the pick with you Tuesday so we could still spend the day together?”

  He nearly dropped his fork, eyes going wide before his expression relaxed. “I mean, Clancy said you were free to come, and so was the baby, but he also said the house was in disrepair and not very clean, so we agreed it wasn’t the best place for Annabeth to chill all day.”

  “We could have gotten a babysitter.”

  “For possibly twelve hours? I don’t know how long I’ll be in Reynolds, Cole. Do you really want to spend that much time picking around a dirty, hoarded house with me?”

  “No, I don’t, but that’s not the point.”

  He angled to face me, clearly confused. “Then what is the point?”

  “The point is you didn’t let me make the decision on my own, Jeremy. You decided you didn’t want me to go for my own mental health, instead of trusting me to know I couldn’t handle it and turn you down.”

  “I wasn’t trying to decide for you. I was protecting you.”

  A chill wormed down my spine. “Martin used to say that.” Jeremy jerked like I’d slapped him, and I instantly regretted my careless phrasing. “And I am not comparing you to him, I swear. Y
ou are so different you aren’t even the same species, and I believe you when you say you’re trying to protect me. But every time he limited my freedom or told me I couldn’t do something, eat something, wear something, it was always him”—I made air quotes—“protecting me. The biggest difference here is that you genuinely want to protect me. He just wanted to control me, and I know that.”

  He nodded slowly, a new understanding dawning on his face. “I think I get it now, how I messed up.” He reached out and squeezed my wrist. “I don’t ever want to control you, babe. And I can’t promise I won’t get overprotective again, but I will do better in not making decisions for you going forward.”

  “Thank you.” I turned my hand over so I could hold his. “This has been bothering me all afternoon, and I’m glad we talked about it.”

  “Me too. I’m so sorry for hurting your feelings.”

  “Apology accepted.” I glanced at my cooling food, then chuckled. “Why do we always have serious conversations right when we’re sitting down to a hot supper?”

  “No idea. Maybe it’s our signature move.”

  “Maybe.”

  Annabeth chose that moment to let out a piercing shriek that was more joyful than upset, and it made us both laugh. Jeremy gave her a pacifier, and she settled in to suck on the thing while we ate. After cleaning up, Jeremy played with the baby while I made the requested grocery list. I disliked going from mostly homemade stuff—like long-grain rice on the stovetop to boil-in-bag instant rice—but my time to cook elaborate meals had been reduced quite a bit by Annabeth’s arrival.

  Not a complaint, though, simply a new fact of life. We were adapting to changes and creating a new normal for our family.

  I watched Jeremy from the counter. He sat in the armchair facing the kitchen, the baby on his lap, and the pure joy on his face as he made noises and tickled her was so beautiful to see. Whenever I doubted this decision or resented my time lost with Jeremy, I remembered how he looked with her. How happy he was as a father. How lucky we’d been so far as gay parents in a small, rural town.

  He fed Annabeth her evening bottle, and when she began drooping, carried her upstairs to the nursery. Sometimes he’d get extra work done in the evenings; sometimes we’d relax together and watch a movie. He’d minded the store all day, so I wasn’t sure which tonight would be.

  “It was pretty slow today, so I was able to do some stuff in my office,” he said once he returned. “Want to Netflix and chill?”

  “As long as it’s actual chilling. I’m too exhausted to get it up.”

  He planted an amused kiss on my mouth. “We can actually chill, no big deal. As long we’re snuggled close together.”

  “Sounds perfect.”

  And it kind of was.

  Since Annabeth was up and fed, Jeremy took my car for his grocery errands the next morning, because his van didn’t have anywhere for the car seat. He left around nine with plans to drive out to Walmart so we could stock up on baby stuff—it was amazing how quickly we went through diapers and wipes—and a few other household things we were getting low on like lube. The small pharmacy in Franklin shockingly stocked it but neither of us ever bought it there, preferring to get it out of town or online.

  I wouldn’t be surprised if he came home with more cute outfits for Annabeth. Several ladies in town had given us gently-used baby clothes and onesies, but he loved buying her new things. Toys appeared in her room all the time, and I couldn’t fault him for spoiling her. Unless he decided down the road to go through the process with an adoption agency, she was likely the only child he’d have.

  At quarter-to-ten, I went downstairs to open the store. The routine was second nature now, and I unlocked the front door exactly on time. A young couple was on the porch, and I welcomed them inside.

  “Hope you weren’t waiting too long,” I said.

  “Nah, not too long,” the woman replied with a deep Southern accent. “We saw the sign on the interstate and couldn’t resist pokin’ around.”

  “Then welcome to Lost Treasures Antiques, and please, poke around. There’s lots to see, and feel free to ask me any questions you might have.”

  “Thanks!” She seemed way more enthusiastic than her companion, but maybe antiquing wasn’t his thing. They spent a good forty minutes browsing the shelves and display cases. She ended up purchasing a boxed set of colorful aluminum measuring spoons from the fifties or sixties—I couldn’t remember which decade Jeremy said that stuff was super popular—and a ceramic mixing bowl.

  “I love vintage kitchen stuff,” she said as I wrapped the bowl in newspaper.

  “Do you use it or just display it?” I asked, curious. And most collectors loved talking about their stuff.

  “Some stuff I use, if I’m sure I won’t damage it, but since those spoons are mint in the package, I’ll put them in my china closet.”

  “Which has no actual china in it,” her companion said. “Just stuff.”

  “At least you don’t have to dust it if it’s in the cabinet,” she retorted with a grin. Sounded like frequent banter between them, because the guy didn’t seem annoyed. Simply amused.

  I handed her the credit card receipt, a business card and the bag with her stuff. “Come back and see us again.” Jeremy gave every new customer a card as a reminder and because it had the store’s main website on it. The site had links to all his online storefronts. Good for business.

  The receipt paper had a red line on it, which meant it would run out soon, so after they left I opened the drawer beneath the register for another roll. I didn’t see any, so I unlocked the office and poked around. The place was chaotic to me, with all kinds of things on shelves and no real order to where supplies might be, but Jeremy always knew where to find something. Calling him would save time but it was receipt paper. How hard could it be to locate?

  Hard, apparently, because a quick search of the three stuffed bookshelves landed me nothing. The desk had four drawers on the right side, so I sat in the chair and opened them one by one. In the third drawer, I finally found the box of paper and pulled two rolls out—one for the machine and an extra for the drawer. I was about to close it when familiar handwriting on white paper caught my attention. One word on the paper: Expenses.

  My handwriting. The paper turned out to be an envelope. The exact envelopes I’d given to Jeremy month after month with my share of our expenses, all paid in cash. Why on earth would he save the envelopes? My stomach burned with anger and betrayal when I picked up the top envelope and felt its weight.

  The money was still inside. Seven envelopes in total. Seven months-worth of money Jeremy had taken but not put toward the mortgage and other bills. I’d given him this money so I could contribute, not sit around like a kept man who got to play in the workshop, while Jeremy earned a living and paid for every goddamn thing. Maybe it wasn’t a huge amount of money in that drawer but it was my money, and he’d taken it on the pretense of using it to help pay the mortgage and utility bills.

  He’d lied. He’d fucking lied to my face about this for seven goddamn months.

  The front bell dinged. I shoved the drawer closed and locked the office, before greeting the customer with what I hoped was a reasonable rendition of a smile. That anger continued burning, and it wasn’t diminished by the adorable selfie Jeremy sent me of him and Annabeth next to a giant stuffed animal. I didn’t respond, afraid of what I might type, and I’d worked myself into a good snit by the time Meredith came in to relieve me.

  “Are you okay?” she asked after stashing her purse in the safe. “You look weird.”

  “Just hungry,” I lied. “Forgot to bring a snack. I need to get something for Jeremy from his office, and then I’ll get out of your hair.”

  “Cool.”

  Bless her for not being the gossipy sort, or she might have dug deeper into the lie. I returned to the office, tucked all seven envelopes into my back jeans pocket, and I left the shop. Stormed upstairs. Jeremy was in the kitchen, unpacking his canvas grocery
bags and organizing the haul.

  “Hey, you,” he said without turning around. I’d tried not to slam the downstairs door too loudly, but I was sure he’d heard me. “Annabeth was so exhausted by our big trip that she didn’t move a muscle when I carried her from the car to her crib.”

  I stalked closer, leaving the island between us because I needed that barrier right now. I stood there, my chest tight and wormy. When I didn’t speak, Jeremy finally turned, his gentle smile melting into concern. “What’s wrong? Did something happen in the store?”

  I’ll say something fucking happened.

  I took the envelopes out of my pocket and dumped them on the counter. “Explain this to me. Right the fuck now.”

  Jeremy’s lips parted in surprise. “How did you find those?”

  “That’s your response?” My anger burned so hotly I thought I’d spontaneously combust if he didn’t start explaining himself. The only thing keeping me from shouting was the baby monitor by the sink. “I needed register tape, so I was rooting around in your office for it, and I found your dirty little secret. Why didn’t you use my money?”

  His mouth moved but no sounds came out, as if his brain couldn’t decide if he should lie or tell the truth. And he’d better tell the goddamn truth or I was out of there. I’d lived with a liar for eight years and I couldn’t do it again. When he didn’t say anything, I snapped, “If I check your Venmo app, will I find the money I sent you still there, instead of moved to your bank account?”

  His face went scarlet, and that was my answer. He didn’t have to say it.

  “Why?” I asked again, so furious now my throat ached and my hands started shaking. “I swear to God, Jeremy, you have ten fucking seconds to explain—”

  “I was protecting you,” he said in a broken voice that did nothing to soothe my temper. Nothing, because we’d had this ‘I did it to protect you’ conversation last night.