Benevolent

by Leddy Harper

  I didn’t like anything she said. I hated that her last boyfriend was such a douche that it ruined my chances of living with her. I really didn’t like how she immediately said it was too early to talk about getting married. I did agree on some level, but hated that I had no say-so in it. My grandmother always told me that you just know when you find the right person. She said she just knew when she met my grandfather that he was the one. It really didn’t make any sense to me until Eden. I thought Gabi was the one. I tried desperately to believe that, but spending five seconds with Eden made me question everything and suddenly understand what Grans was talking about. I knew I’d marry her; I just had to wait. And for the first time in my life, the thought of waiting irritated me.

  I also didn’t like her decision to not be my assistant. For one, she was the best assistant I ever had. She understood what I was looking for and she had yet to make a wrong call. You couldn’t teach that shit to people. They either had it or they didn’t. Eden had it, and I didn’t want to give that up. But if it was the difference in us being together or not, I’d have to let her go. It made me feel better knowing she’d still be working for my company, though.

  “I just don’t want to spend a night without you,” I pleaded, sounding a little like a bitch, but I didn’t care. If that’s what it took to get my way, I’d sound like the biggest pansy on earth.

  “I think you’ve been in a relationship far too long and you don’t know how to be by yourself. That’s what scares me, to be honest with you.”

  “That’s where you’re wrong. Yes, I have been in a relationship for a really long time and haven’t technically been by myself. But for that last few years, I have been alone. I have done things on my own and been independent. Just because I was in a relationship doesn’t mean I wasn’t alone.”

  She took another sip of wine, probably to give her a moment before responding. I gave her the time, hoping she would change her mind and agree with me that we should be in the same bed every fucking night.

  “As much as I want to just jump right in and do all of those things you’re talking about, I can’t. I want to, trust me on that, but it would go against everything I promised myself when moving here. And I don’t want that. I’ve had enough people walk out on me, but I don’t think I can handle you doing that to me, Dane. I can’t explain it. I don’t know why you are different, but you are. And if you were to walk away and leave me with a place that we shared together, I just… I think that would hurt worse than anything else. So please, can we just take our time getting there?”

  I loved that she opened up to me and in a way that let me know how important I was to her. It seemed crazy that it all happened so suddenly, but I felt the same way she did. It was unexplainable. Nothing about it made sense, but at the same time, everything about it did. I was just happy that she felt the same way I did, except she wanted to go slow. I didn’t. I didn’t want to waste another second of my life not doing something for me. I had been selfless enough, and Eden made me see how wonderful it could be to be selfish. I finally did something for myself and didn’t regret one second of it.

  I received a text late Saturday night from Gabi. All it said was, “I’m out. Goodbye.” Something about it didn’t feel right, but I couldn’t waste any more energy on it. That would have been easier had I not also received fifteen calls from her mom the following morning.

  I woke up on Sunday morning to my phone going crazy. It was one call after another. I silenced it. I couldn’t take the drama, especially from her mother. Three different numbers had tried calling me through the night. I figured she was using other phones to see if I’d answer. I didn’t, but she didn’t give up. I finally turned my phone off and put it away. The rest of the world could burn down in a fire and I wouldn’t care because I was with Eden.

  We checked out of the hotel at noon, after fucking on every surface the room had. It was the perfect ending to the perfect weekend. Neither one of us wanted to go home yet, so we went to our pier and spent the day on the beach. I tried to convince her to go inside a few times, but she didn’t agree. She said we needed to spend time in public for a little bit. I understood why, but that didn’t mean I liked it. Eden didn’t want our relationship to be all about the sex, especially with it being so new. I agreed on that, but I really liked the sex. And she did, too. But we spent the day in the surf and walking the shore. Again, we held hands the entire time and I never wanted to let her go.

  I eventually had to, though. The sun set and we had to go our own ways. We agreed to meet in the office in the morning and make a decision about what department she’d be transferred to. I tried again to convince her to stay with me, but she adamantly told me no.

  I gave her the longest kiss known to man before parting ways. I went to my place and she went to hers. Once I stepped inside my condo, I noticed nothing had changed. It was as if Gabi hadn’t taken anything. I checked the closet and the drawers, but nothing seemed to be missing. All of her things were still there. I guess she felt too guilty taking the things I spent my money on, and I didn’t have a problem with that. There were shelters that would appreciate getting Gabi’s things. I didn’t want them, nor did I want them staying in my place. I wanted to be rid of anything that was ever hers. It felt cold to think that way, but what she did was cold. I couldn’t feel guilty any longer for her actions.

  I took a shower and went to bed with Eden on my mind.

  The next morning, I arrived at work and Eden was already there. She looked nervous until I gave her a kiss. I wished she would have reconsidered transferring departments. I wanted to kiss her every morning. I just had to tell myself I would still be able to do that even if her office wasn’t connected to mine.

  We sat at my desk and went through a few of her options. We weren’t able to make a decision before the phone rang. I answered it, hoping to quickly get off and finish our conversation, but that didn’t happen.

  “Dane, it’s Marie, Gabriella’s mother.” Well, fuck.

  “Marie, I’m at work. I really don’t have time for this.”

  “You need to listen to me,” she begged on the other end.

  I looked at Eden once and it was as if she knew whom I was talking to. Her face said it all. I tried to give her a smile before going back to the phone. I quieted my voice before speaking again. “Marie, you need to listen to me. I am at work. You haven’t given a damn about Gabi in years, so you calling me and pleading with me to listen to you isn’t the smartest thing. What happened between Gabi and I does not concern you.”

  “It concerns me when I’m at the hospital with her. When she was admitted and you’re nowhere to be found. She needs you, Dane. You’ve always been the only one to be there for her and now you’re not when she needs you the most.”

  It didn’t matter that Eden was in the room, she knew it all, so I didn’t hold back. “Yes, I was always the only one there for you because you never were. Time to step up and be a mother. It’s time for you to be there for her. I’m not playing that role anymore. She lied; did she tell you that? She accused a man of rape that never raped her. Did you know that?”

  “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

  “There’s nothing to talk about,” I practically screamed into the phone.

  “That’s where you’re wrong. I don’t want to discuss this over the phone. Can you please meet me at the hospital? Gabriella is asleep, she won’t even know you’re here. But it’s time you know the truth.”

  “I already know the truth. She’s a liar. She manipulates people to get what she wants. She’s depressed and she needs help. None of that is my concern anymore.”

  There was silence on the other end before I heard Marie exhale. “And she gets all of that from me. Don’t blame her for my mistakes—”

  “Trust me, I’m not. I’m blaming her for her own mistakes.”

  “There’s so much you don’t know, Dane. Please. Just come to the hospital and talk with me. I’d go to you but I don’t want to be go
ne in case she wakes up.”

  “What is she in there for anyway?” I didn’t want to know. I had my assumptions, but hearing them out loud would only make them real. And I was not a heartless bastard no matter how much of a right I had to be one.

  “Suicide attempt.”

  “Pills again?”

  Silence. “Worse.”

  I was torn. I didn’t want to go running to her again, like I had so many other times in the past. But I knew I had to. I would never forgive myself if I didn’t. I just had to make sure she was okay and hear her mother’s bullshit. I agreed to meet with her, but I only gave her thirty minutes.

  “I’ll be back. We’ll finish this then,” I told Eden.

  “You’re going to her, aren’t you?” She looked let down and that crushed me.

  “I’m going to the hospital to meet with her mom. I won’t be seeing her and I’m certainly not going to her. I just want to get this over with and put it behind me so I can move forward with you. I’m coming back to you, Eden. I promise you. In the meantime, just stay here and finish out with the cases you have before you transfer. And when I come back, we’ll discuss where you want to go. I’m coming back, Eden.”

  She looked so worried, no matter how many times I promised her, it was like she didn’t believe it. I should have known right then. I should have listened to my gut and stayed at the office. I should have been there for Eden instead of doing what I always did. But like they say, hindsight is twenty-twenty. Fuck hindsight.

  I rushed to the hospital, hoping to hurry it along so I could get back to Eden. But once I got there, nothing went as I thought it would. I found Marie in the waiting room on the psyche floor. She looked tired and old. Gabi really was so much like her mother it was scary. They both dealt with depression and wore it on their faces. I hated that look. It made me feel helpless.

  “So what happened?” I asked, even though I didn’t really want the answer.

  “She slit her wrists in a hotel bathroom. Someone complained about the loud music coming from her room and that’s how they found her. The hospital called me when they couldn’t get ahold of you. I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but it doesn’t matter. There are things you need to know, especially now that you know about Sean.”

  The mention of his name used to piss me the fuck off. But after hearing her confession, I felt such empathy for the guy. It still pissed me off, but in a different way. I no longer hated him; instead, I hated Gabi for what she had done to him.

  “Listen, Marie. I don’t really need to know anything. She lied about being raped and put an innocent man away because of it. He served time for something he didn’t do and then ended up taking his own life because of it. Am I glad that she cut her wrists? No. I am happy that she didn’t succeed, because she needs to face the music for what she’s done to others. She’s ruined so many different people’s lives because she decided to cry rape when it never happened.”

  “It did happen,” Marie interrupted, cutting me off.

  “No it didn’t. She told me so.”

  “I’m assuming she told you it wasn’t Sean, which is the truth. But that doesn’t mean she wasn’t raped.”

  She had my attention then. My head was spinning and part of me didn’t want to listen to any more, knowing it would all be lies anyway. But I was stunned into silence and couldn’t speak. She took that opportunity to continue talking.

  “The rape did happen. She clearly couldn’t fake it during an exam. It just wasn’t Sean.”

  “And how do you know this?” I asked carefully.

  She was hesitant as she sat there and played with her fingernails. I wanted to scream, shake her, something to get her to answer me. But I couldn’t. I had to wait for her to answer me. Once she did, I wished for the silence back.

  “Because I knew from the beginning. She told me after the first time that it happened.”

  My head was spinning and I felt the anger rise inside of me. “The first time? How many times was she raped?” My words were clipped as I forced them through my gritted teeth.

  She shook her head and looked at the floor. I repeated my question, with more force that time. She finally looked up and answered. “I don’t know.”

  “What did you do about it?”

  “Nothing,” she answered but it was so quiet I had her repeat herself. I was sure I misunderstood her. When she repeated it and I knew without a doubt that I had heard her right, I stood from the chair. I was so angry I could have punched a wall. I wanted to punch Marie, but knew better than to ever do that, no matter how pissed off I was.

  “What kind of mother knows her daughter is being abused and doesn’t do anything about it? What kind of human being does that?”

  “I know, and that’s something I’ve had to live with for the last ten years. It’s something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I wish I could go back and change it, but I can’t. I made a decision that I thought was best, but it wasn’t.”

  “Your daughter came to you and told you she was raped and you did nothing about it. It happened again, and you what, thought it would be best to blame it on the neighbor?”

  Her eyes shifted around the empty room, probably making sure no one could hear. I didn’t give a shit if anyone heard. She deserved for people to know what she had done. It was the most disgusting thing I had ever heard. I hated Gabi after she told me what she had done, but after listening to her mother, I hated her more.

  “That’s not exactly how it happened. She came to me just after I married Peter. We had only lived there for about a month or two. She said Todd made her feel uncomfortable.” I tried to think back to when this would have been. It must’ve been just after she started school. She was quiet and always kept to herself. After we started dating, I remember thinking it was a little odd that she never wanted to be in the same room as her stepbrother, but didn’t really think too much about it. “I just kept telling her to give him a chance. It was difficult because he is so much older than her. She was fifteen and he was twenty-three. But we were a joined family and I wanted her to have a relationship with Peter’s son.”

  I felt sick. Literally, sick to my stomach. I thought I would throw up if she continued to tell me what I thought she would. I couldn’t even look at her anymore. I had to look away. I sat in a chair in front of her and stared at my shoes, holding my head in my hands and tried to take in deep breaths.

  “It was a few months after that I noticed she didn’t want to leave her room. She didn’t want to be around anyone and stopped talking. She had always been a bit of a shy child. I don’t know if she’s ever told you, but we used to live in shelters before I married Peter. We bounced around from shelter to shelter, home to home, before we finally moved here. Peter saved us; he really did. So I just thought she was having a hard time adjusting to actually having a home. We weren’t used to having all of that.”

  “I don’t need to hear about your crappy life as if it’s somehow going to make this story any less fucked-up,” I growled out at her.

  She took in a deep breath and continued. “I finally asked her one night what was going on with her. It took her a little bit, but she finally told me. She said Todd came into her room one night and…” Marie couldn’t finish her sentence. I didn’t need her to finish it.

  I stood up and flung a chair across the room before moving right in her face. “She told you what he did and you didn’t do anything about it?”

  “What could I do?” she cried, tears running down her face.

  “Call the god damn police! Shoot him. Cut off his fucking dick!”

  “And go back to the shelter?”

  I couldn’t believe what I heard come out of her mouth. “That’s what you were so fucking worried about? Going back to the fucking shelter?” I couldn’t get enough oxygen to my lungs and I started to feel lightheaded. The anger had consumed me and I had to sit down. My entire body was shaking uncontrollably. “You allowed your daughter to get raped at the age o
f fifteen by a twenty-three-year-old and all you worried about was where you would live. You fucking disgust me.”

  “It’s not like I didn’t do anything. I asked Todd about it and he said it wasn’t true. I thought maybe Gabriella was making it all up because she didn’t want to live there anymore. I didn’t want to leave and be homeless again if it wasn’t true.”

  “Did you think he would just admit to it? Did you really think that if you asked him if he raped your daughter he would just say yes?”

  She waited to continue. It was the longest seconds of my life. “I didn’t know what else to do. She never said anything else about it so I thought she made it up.”

  “When did you know she was telling the truth?” I barely got the question out. I didn’t want to ask it, nor did I want the answer. But I had heard this much, I needed to know the rest. I couldn’t continue to live with only part of the truth.

  “Just after she turned seventeen she came to me and told me she was pregnant.”

  I thought back. We were dating when she turned seventeen. We had been having sex, but I always wore a condom back then. I felt as if I were holding my breath waiting for her to keep talking. So many thoughts were going through my head I couldn’t keep any of them straight. When was she pregnant? Why didn’t she tell me? Was it mine? Could it have been mine?

  “I thought my life was falling apart. I never wanted my daughter to end up like me, pregnant in high school. I told her that you needed to step up and do the right thing, whatever that may have been. But she told me it wasn’t yours. I thought she was saying she cheated on you and that’s why she came to me about it. I wasn’t expecting her to tell me it was Todd’s. I didn’t believe her at first. But then she said it had been going on since the first time she told me. I wanted to kill him, I honestly did. But instead, I went to Peter. I told him what had happened. He demanded she get an abortion. I didn’t question it. I didn’t think anything of it. I just figured it was in the best interest of Gabriella if she got one.”