Benevolent

by Leddy Harper

  “She told Peter and he made her take me for an abortion. I wasn’t upset about that part. I didn’t want his demon child. What hurt me more than anything, was that we went back to Peter’s house and stayed. I begged her to leave. I begged her to not make me stay there, but all she said was that Peter handled it. Whatever the fuck that meant. Two weeks later, he walked in on me in the bathroom. His pupils were so large I couldn’t even see the colors of his eyes. He was mad and fucked up. He locked the door behind him and came after me. He told me I would pay for what I had done, and that time he would make sure I didn’t get knocked up. It was the first time he put on a condom.” She was really crying by that point. I didn’t want her to continue. I didn’t want her to keep living it. But she pulled away from my comforting hold on her and continued.

  “I don’t remember a lot about that night. I can’t recall the ride to the hospital at all. But I remember the cops coming in and asking me about Sean, my neighbor. I didn’t understand at all why they were asking about him, so I barely answered them. They left, telling me to get some rest and I’d see them again in the morning. They walked out and Peter and my mom walked in. That’s when Peter tried to convince me it was Sean that had come in the bathroom. I didn’t want to go along with it, but he and my mother both told me that I had to. He told me with words, and my mom told me with her pleading eyes. So I did. I figured he wouldn’t get in trouble. There was no evidence of him being there. He had to have had an alibi. But as the trial started, I learned his alibi was sleeping. And the evidence didn’t matter because they had statements by me, my mom, and Peter. That’s when I took those pills. I hated myself for what I had done to him. I followed up on him ever since then. I knew when he got out. I knew about him moving back in with his mom, next door to Peter’s house. I knew when he couldn’t get jobs or got fired from one. I knew it all. I hated myself from the moment it happened, and I hated myself until I watched the blood pour from my wrists.”

  “Do you still hate yourself?” I asked, not really wanting to the answer.

  She shook her head. “I think I’ve hated myself enough for things I couldn’t control. I hated myself after our baby died, because I thought it was all my fault. I killed one baby of mine so God took another.”

  I held her face and made her look at me, stopping her from saying more. “It wasn’t your fault, Gabs. Those things happen all the time. You weren’t being punished.”

  “I know that now, at least, I think I do. I still have feelings I can’t figure out, but none of them are of self-hatred. My mom came in one day and we both sat down with one of the counselors. It was needed. It was hard, but it was something we both needed. I’m not ready to talk to her one-on-one yet, but at least the door isn’t closed anymore. I can’t go back in time and change anything, so I have to focus on the present and look toward the future.”

  I was impressed with Gabi’s attitude. I wasn’t expecting to hear all of that. I was so used to her being depressed and closed off that her admissions and openness threw me off a little. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to act or feel. Everything only became more confused.

  One thing I still knew for sure, though, was that I missed Eden with every piece of me. My focus should have been on getting Gabi better, but it wasn’t. I didn’t know what to do for her, or what would happen once she finally was better, so I tried to not pay too much attention to that.

  Neither one of us spoke about the future together. She didn’t ask if we were or would be together, and nothing was mentioned of the engagement we once had. After she opened up to me that one afternoon, we barely spoke again. It wasn’t that we were ignoring each other, it just felt more strained to talk. It was awkward and uncomfortable between us. I knew she felt it too since she could hardly look at me.

  I slept in the spare room and gave her the master bed. She didn’t complain other than offering to switch rooms. We didn’t eat together or even sit together much. I had only just started returning to work once things began to settle down at home. I hated going to the office because all I could do was stare at the closed door across from my desk. I would stare at it as if I were waiting for it to open and for Eden to be standing there. I knew that wasn’t going to happen, but it didn’t stop me from wanting it.

  I had emailed her, about every two to three days. But I had yet to hear anything back. I sent more flowers, along with teddy bears and chocolates. I wrote letters and mailed them through the actual mail. None of it was returned so I knew she had gotten them, but still no word from her.

  After a month of her being gone, I was called in for a meeting with my PR team. The news had died down rather quickly after my arrest, since there really wasn’t much of a story there, but so was business. In my absence, I had a team put together to take over the projects I was involved in, but they were not to take on any more. They were only supposed to manage what was already on the table and everything else would wait until I fully returned. They all understood, but the companies that needed my help didn’t. My reputation started to slip, and Janette figured we needed to grab it by the balls and fix it.

  I wasn’t in the mood to fix anything other than my relationship with Eden, but I knew I had a company to run. So I went into the office and met with the team. Along with Janette, there was Steve, Darla, and Mark. We sat around the conference table in my office and devised a plan to get back on track. I knew the only way that would happen is if I myself got back on track, and I couldn’t do that without Eden. But I listened to their ideas and their suggestions for getting my name back on solid ground. They were really good at what they did and I couldn’t have asked for better people to work with than them. Especially Janette. She was smart and quick and always thought outside of the box. She also wasn’t scared to tell me what she thought exactly when she thought it.

  Once the meeting was over, everyone left except for Janette. I looked at her, silently asking what she was waiting around for. I knew she was about to give me a lecture. She was kind of a mother hen in that aspect. She did have two boys at home and from what her husband had told me during company parties, she could have been a drill sergeant in her past life. I was scared, but knew whatever she had to tell me, was exactly what I needed to hear.

  “I have tried to respect your privacy over this last month, but I can’t do that anymore, Dane. I need for you to tell me what is going on. I can’t help you or this company if I’m left in the dark. Something happened, and I need to know what.” Her voice was soft and comforting. It was trusting and made me want to open up to her.

  “Eden left.” It was the only thing I could say because it was the only thing that mattered.

  “I’m sure your assistant leaving isn’t what caused this.”

  I looked right into her hazel eyes, trying to form the words to explain it all when it barely made any sense to me. “I am in love with her. And she left.”

  “What about Gabi?” she asked, not sounding too surprised.

  “I don’t even know how to say it and have it make sense. Gabi and I haven’t been happy in a really long time. I stayed out of obligation and fear, and maybe a part of me still held on to the love we once had. But Eden made me happy. Eden made me feel alive and put a smile on my face. I left Gabi and got to spend a weekend with Eden. One weekend was all I got. I had three days of unbelievable happiness. I felt like a kid again. I felt like me again. But then shit hit the fan and she took off.”

  She stared at me with wide but soft eyes. I could see the understanding in the green flakes that were surrounded by the light brown. She had the eyes of a woman that could bring understanding to my life and I knew I had to listen to whatever words would come out of her mouth.

  “Does this shit hitting the fan have anything to do with Gabi being admitted to the hospital? Or you subsequent arrest?” It was as if she already knew the answer before even asking.

  It wasn’t my story to tell, but Janette made me tell her anyway. If I had learned one thing from Gabi over the whole orde
al, it was that secrets and lies helped nothing. I nodded and answered, “Yes. When Gabi was seventeen, she was brutally raped and had to be hospitalized. Her neighbor was accused and then sentenced for it. Ten years later, he killed himself and Gabi found out. She confessed to me that she had lied about it, and that her neighbor had never raped her. I left; that was the weekend I spent with Eden. I came home and found out Gabi had attempted suicide and that is when I found out the real truth. Gabi might have lied about who raped her, but it didn’t mean she was never raped. The man I attacked, Todd, that was her stepbrother. He was the one that raped her, and that wasn’t the first time. It had been going on for a long time, since she was fifteen years old. Right under my nose. Through the entire time we had been dating in high school. She kept all of that from me. I never knew until then what had really happened all of those years ago. Eden couldn’t handle it, so she left and went back across the country to her parents.”

  Janette placed her hand on my arm and smiled at me. “How is Gabi now?”

  “She seems okay, I guess. I mean, she’s talking to a therapist. She seems to be working things out better than before, but it’s not the same.”

  “Do you want it to be the same?”

  I thought about it, even though I didn’t need to. “No. I want her to be better. I want her to be happy. But I want Eden. I want to be happy, too, and I don’t feel that will ever happen without her.”

  She looked around the room before settling her eyes on me. “Do you know why Kauffmann Investments is so involved in charities, especially charities for abused children?”

  I wasn’t expecting that to be her question so I only shrugged and waited for her to continue.

  “Sexual abuse happens every day; most of it goes unreported. In the cases of minors, most of those are by the hands of a relative. The younger victims are scared to tell anyone. They think they’ll get in trouble. As they get older, they begin to blame themselves. They think it’s their fault someone took advantage of them. So they don’t tell anyone, either out of fear or a false sense of guilt.”

  I didn’t know why she was telling me all of this. I only stared at her as she sat next to me, explaining things that physically made me ill to hear. I didn’t want to know about all of the little Gabi’s in the world that had horrible things happen to them. I didn’t want to think about all of the women that had to live their lives the way Gabi did. I couldn’t do anything about it, and knowing I couldn’t save each and every one of them made me sick and sad at the same time.

  “I picked most of the places you donate to, and most of the awareness groups that we are involved with because it’s important that people know the signs. People need to know what to look for in the young victims that don’t know how to speak up for themselves. They need to know how to get them the proper help so that they don’t grow up and hate themselves or try to do harm to them or others. There are many reasons why rape victims grow up like Gabi, and end up feeling the way she did. But there are so many ways to change that.”

  “I’m not following, Janette. Did you know about Gabi when you set these things up? Did you see the signs all along over the years and I never did?” I didn’t understand. If she had seen it in Gabi’s eyes, why couldn’t I? Why did I never know about it if Janette could see it? She only saw her maybe twice a year.

  “No, Dane. I didn’t know. But I do know something about it. When I was fourteen, I went to a high school party that was put on by the football seniors. I was a freshman and felt like one of the cool kids because I was invited.” She took a deep breath. “My drink was spiked and five of the football players decided to take turns with me. I don’t remember much of it, but I remember enough. Luckily, I had parents that supported me. Charges were pressed and the boys paid the price. I got the help I needed and after time, that horrible thing that happened to me became the thing that made me stronger.

  “My parents moved right after that. It wasn’t that they were ashamed or because people were talking. It was because that place tied me to that time. I couldn’t get over it because I was living in it. I was tied to it. So, we moved. And I began to heal.”

  That made me think about things a lot. But my thoughts were quickly stopped by what came out her mouth next.

  “The one thing I was never able to get over will always be the one thing that will stick with me for the rest of my life. One of the guys impregnated me. I was fourteen, raped, pregnant, and scared. I continued with the pregnancy until I gave birth and the baby was taken away to its adoptive parents. I never knew if I had a boy or a girl. My mom filled out the paperwork and all I did was sign the birth certificate. She said the baby and any details of it would only tie me further to that night, and she didn’t want that. It’s not that I wanted the baby, I just feel now that I’m missing something.”

  “Oh my God,” I whispered in a low tone as my jaw hung open.

  Her eyes snapped to mine. “What?”

  “Eden…”

  Janette looked at me with even more confusion on her face. “What about her?”

  “She applied at Kauffmann because she found out her birth mother works here.” It suddenly made so much since why Eden was so hung up on working in PR. It was why she had applied there to begin with. Why had I not thought of that after she told me about her birth mother? It should have been so obvious, but yet it wasn’t.

  Her eyes grew so large and glossy I thought she’d start crying. “Eden? Are you sure?”

  I nodded. I didn’t mean to let it slip. I had no intentions of saying anything. But as soon as she mentioned giving a baby up for adoption, the words just fell out. I’m sure she wasn’t the only woman in the company to have given a baby up for adoption, and I should have never said anything. But looking into her eyes and seeing those green specks that shone through, I knew without a doubt she was the only one to have given Eden up for adoption.

  “I’m sorry, Janette. You just got done telling me about things tying you to that event. I should have never said anything.”

  She shook her head in shock. “No, don’t apologize. Did she know who I was?”

  “Yes. She never told me anything other than she met you.”

  “She used to come down to the office all the time and talk to me. We had lunch a few times. She never said anything or even hinted at… Oh.” She stopped, her mouth going into a perfect O as a memory flashed across her eyes. “The day she left, she stopped by my office. She said she came to say goodbye. She mentioned going back to her parents. I thought it was strange that she mentioned how good they were to her and how much they had taken care of her for her whole life. I just thought she was getting sentimental. Now it all makes sense.”

  “She was wanting you to somehow know that she was cared for and loved, and that you made the right choice in a terrible situation,” I finished for her. Hearing that only made my heart beat harder for Eden. The kind of woman she was. The kind of person she was, that she made it a point to ease Janette’s mind. Even if Janette had no idea what she was talking about. It only made me love her that much more.

  There was an awkward silence in the room before Janette stood up.

  “I meant to give you some clarity in your life. I wasn’t prepared to have some clarity of my own. Thank you for that, but I really do need to go. I need some time and I’m sure you do, too. Please listen to what I told you about Gabi. Make your own decisions, but know that you need to take her feelings into account.” Her reaction wasn’t odd to me, because I believe I had felt the same thing. Shock. Neither of us were really processing it at that time. It was a revelation that needed thought on both sides.

  I nodded and watched her leave. I had always taken Gabi’s feelings into account. Her saying that filled me with a sense of anger. It made me feel like she was accusing me of never thinking about Gabi’s feelings. It wasn’t until my drive home before I finally understood what she meant.

  As soon as I walked in to the condo, Gabi was standing in front of me. She seemed happy, or at le
ast more than content. I knew we had to talk, and I only hoped I could keep the courage I found on the way there. After taking one look at her face, I worried I would be able to.

  “How was work?” she asked, handing me a cold beer.

  I took the bottle from her with apprehension. I didn’t know what the motive was behind her actions and to be honest, I was a little scared to find out. That was the first time in years, and I mean years, that she had asked me a personal question.

  “It was good. How was your appointment?”

  “Really good,” she answered with a smile. “It made a lot of things very clear for me, and I was hoping we might be able to talk about it.”

  Damn. I didn’t want to talk about it. I wanted to talk about my own discoveries from the day. But I promised her that after my shower we would talk. She quietly agreed and went back to her bedroom—my old bedroom—and I went to the back bathroom. It still felt weird to be using those rooms when I had never used them before, but it was better than sharing a room with Gabi. It also made it easy for me to jerk off while thinking about Eden, which I did, a lot.

  As soon as I turned the water off, I heard music coming from the living room. I rolled my eyes, imagining Gabi setting up an entire romantic evening. I didn’t want that. I wanted to tell her how I felt and what I thought. I wanted to be done with it. But there was still a part of me that felt some kind of love for her, and that part was happy that she was happy again.

  I opened the door and had to stop. The sound that was coming from the speakers made it so I couldn’t move. I had never heard it before, but I could tell who it was just by the voice alone. Aaron Lewis had the most distinct voice, and I had listened to Staind since high school. But I had never heard this song before. He sang about being tangled up in someone. How that person was his light in the darkness, the medicine for his pain, and the hand to hold when he’s old. But it was the verse when he talked about her being his shore. About him being lost at sea and she was the only thing he thought about. That was the line that broke me.