Benevolent

by Leddy Harper

  I was tangled up in Eden. I was so twisted and tangled, but I never wanted to be straightened out. I never wanted to not be tangled up in her. That was when I knew that I had to say what I needed to say and I couldn’t let obligation, fear, guilt, regret, or benevolence hold me back.

  I stormed into the living room, startling Gabi as she sat on the couch.

  “I know you want to talk to me, but I need to say something.” I waited until she nodded before I continued. “I have been by your side through everything, and I have done it without an ounce of regret. I loved you, I do love you, and I will always love you, but it’s not the kind of love you deserve. It’s not the kind that will put a smile on your face or light you up from the inside out. I don’t mean to say this to hurt you. Lord knows that’s the last thing I want to do. But I think that I tie you to your past. I keep you there with those dark demons. And it would be one thing if the love I had for you would make that connection right, but it’s not.”

  Her head fell into her hands. I waited patiently until she raised her eyes. They were filled with tears as more fell down her cheeks. My heart broke at the sight. I was a man that couldn’t take watching a woman cry. I went to her and sat down. For the first time, I had no idea how to comfort her. I had no words.

  She looked at me and smiled. I felt even more confused.

  “I’m so happy to hear you say that, Dane. I was so worried about all of this. I love you, I honestly do. But my therapy has helped me see so much. I have learned so much and it makes me sad for myself that I hadn’t done that sooner.”

  “I don’t understand, Gabi.”

  She smiled again and then rested her hand over mine. “I have spent the last decade clinging to you as if you were my lifeline. Waiting for you to save me like I was on life support. I didn’t have anyone else. You were the only one I had. Though my feelings for you are as real as the air I breathe, I have turned that air into pollution with my dependency on you. I have dragged myself down and pulled you with me.

  “I was always so scared that if you left me, I would be all alone. Which I pretty much will be, but I have also learned that being alone isn’t bad. In the program, I was able to talk to other people, and I realized how much it helps to talk. I’ve kept everything inside for so long that I hadn’t even thought about how freeing it would be to get it all out.”

  “So what does this mean? What are you trying to say?” I needed clarification. I loved women, very much, but sometimes they just needed to simplify things a little more. They had a tendency to be too damn confusing.

  She touched my face with her hand and looked me right in the eyes. “I appreciate everything you have ever done for me. None of it has gone unnoticed. You are an amazing man, Dane, with a gigantic heart. Without you, I don’t know where I’d be. But like you said, no matter how good or kind or sweet you are, you will always tie me to everything. You tie me to my mom, Todd, Sean, this whole damn town. I can’t stay here anymore. I need to get out and try things.”

  “Alone?” The thought worried me some. She had never been alone before and I didn’t know how she would handle it. I knew it didn’t concern me, but it didn’t stop me from being concerned.

  “No. I met a girl in treatment that will go with me. We grew close and she mentioned something to me this morning. We talked about it and then I talked to my doctor about it. He thinks it’s a good idea. I just need a little more counseling before we go ahead and do it.”

  “Do what?” I needed clarification, not more confusion.

  “We’ve decided to talk to other victims about what we’ve gone through. We want to help other young girls. Neither one of us had anyone we could turn to that would’ve understood and we both felt like outsiders. That no one could possibly know what we were going through, so we held it all inside. We don’t want other girls to feel that way. So we are teaming up with a group of women that go around and talk to people.”

  “Just knock on doors and stuff like that?”

  “There will be some speaking arrangements at hospitals. One on one meetings with victims. That sort of thing. But I’m not ready for all of that yet. I still need more therapy in the meantime.”

  “Where will you be moving to?” I suddenly felt worried for her.

  She smiled and tilted her head. “You just answered any question I didn’t know I had.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. I had no idea what she was talking about.

  “I can move on now without ever having any what-ifs when it comes to you. If you loved me the way I love you, you would have offered to go with me. But I’m okay with that, because I think I’m starting to figure out that my love for you isn’t what I always thought it was. I think I loved you because you in some way made me feel safe. But I’m learning that I need to make myself feel safe. No one can do that for me.”

  “Where are you moving to?”

  “I’m not sure yet.”

  “When?” I felt like a heartless asshole asking her that, as if I were pushing her away, but that’s not what it was. I wasn’t looking at getting rid of her; I only wanted to make sure she was prepared for when the time came.

  “That’s the thing. Not for another six to twelve months. I have a lot of counseling to do and I still have a lot to learn about dealing with victims. But it’s what I want to do and it’s what I plan on doing. I want to focus on getting me better so I can help others. I’m working out my feelings about my mom, but I’m just not there yet, so I can’t go to her. The girl I met in the clinic is trying to get her own place, but I don’t have any money to help her out. So, I don’t have anywhere to go in the meantime. I know you want me gone, but I was just wondering if I might be able to stay until I can get there. I promise I won’t be in your way. If you don’t want me to do that, I understand and I will figure something out. I just know I can trust you.”

  It was my turning point. The moment in my life when things fell into place. I wanted clarity from Gabi, but I wasn’t expecting clarity for everything. But that’s what I got. I did love Gabi, in some way, I did. It may not have been what she needed. It certainly wasn’t what I needed. But I did love her and I didn’t want to see her suffer any more than she already had.

  “I’m going to put the condo up for sale. You are welcome to stay here until it sells. We can split the money, and then you can use that to help get yourself on your feet.” I realized that as much as being with me tied her to her past, living in that condo tied me to her. If I had any chance of proving to Eden that I was all hers, I couldn’t have anything holding me back. The condo was holding me back. And I couldn’t just put Gabi out on her own.

  The idea seemed to make her happy. She wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed my cheek. It felt so final, but not unresolved. There was so much closure in that hug.

  Over the next couple of weeks, Gabi and I talked, a lot. We were both still sharing the condo while I looked for a place of my own. I was picky and didn’t see anything that I liked. But Gabi and I were finally in a good place so it didn’t bother me that we were staying together.

  She argued with me a lot over the money. She didn’t want half of what the condo would go for once she saw the asking price. She said it was way too much money. I didn’t feel right not giving it to her. She needed it and I knew it was going to help her in ways I never could.

  Her sessions were going really well and they adjusted her medication so that she acted more human than before. I watched her laugh when she’d talk to her new friend on the phone. She started doing her hair again and wearing makeup. It felt good to see. Really good. I had waited and waited for years to see her like that again; I just never imagined it would be that way. I never thought it would come after breaking up, yet still living together as friends.

  I began calling Eden again. I told her I wouldn’t, but that was one promise I didn’t give a shit about anymore. I called her every morning and every night. She never answered, but I left her messages each and every time. I told her good morning, and that
I loved her. Then I called just before bed and told her goodnight, adding again that I loved her. I sent flowers once a week. I sent letters along with chocolate. The only thing I ever got from her were short text messages that said please stop. I didn’t receive those, of course. She had no way to prove that I ever got them.

  Janette was distant for a while at work after I spilled the beans about Eden. I worried that I had drudged up old feelings about her rape. I really had no idea how many people had fallen victim to that heinous crime. I looked into it, though, and the numbers scared me. It did, however, light a fire under my ass. I donated more and more to shelters that helped women and children out after hearing about Gabi’s upbringing. I also donated and added more awareness dinners to the calendar each year for crimes against children. There was a not for profit organization in the state that helped me put things together. I felt good about what I was doing.

  Almost a month after Gabi and I talked, I finally found a place. I had wanted to stay on the beach, since it was what reminded me of Eden the most, but everything I had looked at didn’t appeal to me. My realtor took it upon himself to look at houses on the lake just a few miles away from the gulf. That was where I found it.

  It was smaller than the condo, but still a decent size when comparing houses. It had four bedrooms and the master bedroom took up one half of the house. The inside was just an inside to me, but it was the backyard that had me placing a bid before leaving. Beyond the back patio, there was a wooden boardwalk that led to a small dock. All of the other docks were close to their backyards, but that one extended out into the lake. And instead of grass and weeds like all of the other yards, the backyard was sand. It was its very own beach. All I could think about was sitting there with Eden. I imagined all of the things we could do out there when the sun went down since the houses weren’t right next to each other like they were on the beach. It was perfect.

  I made an offer and before we even locked up, it was accepted. Things went fast after that. In two weeks, I was moved in. Granted, I had nothing since I had given everything to Gabi, but the place was mine. Gabi tried to get me to take some of the furniture so I didn’t have to sleep on an air mattress, but I refused. I didn’t tell her why because I didn’t want to hurt her, but I didn’t want anything connected to Gabi in that house. I would fill it with things that I knew Eden would like, and then I was going to wait until she came back.

  I took pictures of the place and sent them to her. I asked her opinion on furniture while I picked things out—she didn’t respond, of course, but that didn’t stop me from asking. I wanted to show her that she was the only one I thought about.

  The condo sold soon after that and then Gabi moved in with her friend. I helped her move it all and I was impressed where she was staying. She seemed really happy to be there and it was nice to see her laughing with someone. I didn’t even know when it was that she last had a friend to talk and laugh with.

  It’s easy to hear about everything that happened over those couple of months. But the truth was, no matter how much hope I had that Eden would come back, it didn’t mean my days were spent filled with butterflies and fucking rainbows. I was downright miserable.

  Yeah, Gabi and I had gotten along and things were settling between us, but it didn’t mean that the thought didn’t cross my mind that she was the reason Eden left. Sure, it was my actions that caused her to leave, but they were actions that were affected by Gabi.

  Work was going better. Talk had died down and people were sending in new requests for help every single day. But all it did was remind me of how I didn’t have Eden there to help me. I didn’t have her there to smile at me or calm me down. I felt more alone than I ever remember feeling before.

  I bought a house, sure. But I bought it while thinking of Eden. And the longer I lived there, and the longer it was that she didn’t show up, the more empty it felt. It didn’t matter how much furniture or stupid fucking decorations that the salesmen convinced me to buy I filled it with, it was still empty and cold. It was more depressing than I originally thought. Even the unreturned calls and messages and letters I sent were breaking me down little by little.

  There was a moment I had thought about giving up. I thought it was useless to keep trying. But something inside of me told me to keep going. I told her I wouldn’t give up and that was one promise I would keep.

  Then there was the morning I woke up and called her for my usual morning message. It didn’t ring. Instead, I got an automated message saying that the number had been disconnected. All hope had vanished by then. It was all gone. I had nothing left, and that is when it hit me.

  I was unhappy with Gabi, but I was miserable without Eden.

  I went to work that day, hoping to get my mind off of things. Just before lunch, Janette called me for a conference. We had a big charity dinner that weekend and she wanted to prepare me for my speech. She was amazing with words so I had her help me write it.

  “Have you heard from her?” I asked once we were done reading over what I would say in front of hundreds of people. I was pretty sure they hadn’t spoken, but I was desperate for something. I hadn’t ever asked before, but with her phone being shut off, I had no other way to find out.

  She shook her head. “Do you think it’s time to move on?”

  “I will never move on, Janette. She is the only one that can make me happy.”

  “Have you ever thought that was how Gabi felt about you? She clung to you because of that same reason when it would have been healthier for both of you if she had just let you go?” she reasoned. I didn’t like her reason.

  “Are you trying to tell me I should let her go? That what I’m doing isn’t healthy?”

  Janette took in a deep breath before meeting my eyes. “I don’t think it’s healthy. But I also don’t think you should give up if what you say you feel for her is true. I do think that you should allow her some time and space to make a decision for herself. Had Gabi done that for you, would you have made the decision to be happy? If you were given time and space?”

  “I don’t know. I never had a reason to be happy until I met Eden.”

  “You’re not asking my opinion, but I’m going to give it to you anyway. I feel that maybe you didn’t take enough time after walking out on Gabi. And you are now given that time. I think you should use it wisely.” With that, she patted my hand and walked out of the office.

  What the fuck? I didn’t even know what that meant. There was something about a vagina that made women confusing as all living hell, but there was nothing I could do about it. I thought about what she had said to me. I mulled it over in my head for the rest of the day. She wanted me to give myself time and the rest would follow. I knew that. But I didn’t want time. I’d had enough time since Eden left.

  After work that day, I decided to do one last thing before putting my hope to rest. I went and got another tattoo. I had gotten plenty of them in the past, and they all meant something to me. But nothing meant as much to me as that one.

  I had gotten my own version of a tree. It was of The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Apples hung from the top, with one left lying on the grass. It was shaded a deep red with a dove perched on it. It was my last symbol of hope.

  I had gone home and stared at it for a while before retiring to the dock. I sat on the wooden planks for what felt like hours, thinking and debating. Wondering what to do, if I should do anything. I finally decided I needed to just give Eden time. I only hoped that decision wouldn’t come back to bite me in the ass.

  It was time for the charity dinner and all my nerves were fried. Gabi had volunteered to help out and that made things easier, but it still didn’t make me any less nervous. Janette told me there would be important people there. She should have never told me that. I had always been really great at schmoozing the important people. Hell, I was awesome at schmoozing anyone, but I felt off my game. Ever since deciding to let things go and just wait until they happened, I had not been myself.

  I wa
s in the kitchen, picking at food and drinking the champagne as I waited for it to start. The servers and cooks laughed at me, but I just ignored them and kept picking food off their trays. Janette peaked her head through the server’s door and whistled for me. I turned around and raised my eyebrows, silently asking what she wanted while I continued to shovel food in my face.

  “Come out here. I have people for you to meet.”

  I rolled my eyes and washed the food in my mouth down with another glass of champagne. If it hadn’t been for all of the fancy food that I had no idea what it was, the alcohol would have gotten to me.

  I followed her out and she began to introduce me to the people that ran the organization. They were older people, not what I expected, but they were very nice. They thanked me for my help and then went on their way. Janette pulled me by my elbow to introduce me to more. I didn’t want to meet anyone else. I wanted to find the bar and get a drink.

  “Dane,” she began as I finally turned my attention back to her and the red dress that stood to her side, right in front of me. “I’d like for you to meet my daughter. Eden, this is Dane Kauffmann. Dane, this is Eden Clare.”

  Suddenly, the room went silent. My breathing grew heavy and my eyes could only see her. She was wearing a long red dress that clung to her curves like I had been dying to see for months. It had straps that went over her shoulders, exposing the flowers on her sleeve. Her red hair was pinned in some kind of messy but sexy as fuck mess just behind her ear. And her smile left me feeling like there was no air left in the room. I had seen her face behind my closed eyes for months, but it wasn’t even close to seeing the real thing. Seeing her face in the flesh made my heart calm so much it felt as if it stopped.