Blake Byron: Paranormal Investigator

by Andrew Beymer

  At least I could say I went down fighting. Even if no one but Hooks and Anderson would ever know.

  “I really wouldn’t do that if I were you,” a voice said from the back of the factory floor.

  The voice chilled me from the tip of my head down to the base of my spine. I recognized that voice. It wasn’t a voice I ever wanted to hear again.

  It was a voice I desperately wanted to hear again because that meant I could kill the asshole who killed my wife.

  Catwalks ran over the former factory floor. When I looked up I could even see there was a platform in the middle that had been converted into a raised drinking area complete with tables and a full bar.

  Now there was a nifty feature. Partying on two levels. It probably violated about a hundred different safety and building codes, but again it didn’t seem like vampires were all that concerned with the letter of the law.

  And leaning over the railing on that platform was none other than the bastard vampire who killed my wife.

  “Yeah? Care to give me any good reason why I shouldn’t do that?” I asked. “Because I’m really having trouble figuring out why I shouldn’t fuck your shit up.”

  The vampire smiled, his teeth showing. He shook his head and gestured to everyone on the massive club that ran the entire length of the former auto parts manufacturer.

  It was a clever way of repurposing the industrial manufacturing corpse of middle America, and all the people dancing the night away in that repurposed corpse this evening seemed to be vampires.

  Damn it. The people outside weren’t vampires. What was going on here?

  “If you try to kill them then they’ll have to kill you,” the head vamp said. “Sure they’re all mostly newly turned, but numbers will win out eventually even if you have proved yourself quite difficult to kill.”

  “Yeah, I’m a bastard like that,” I said.

  I shrugged. Pulled out a cigar and lit it. Rachel was always telling me these things were going to kill me someday so I'd quit the stuff, but she was gone now and I'd never been able to explain to her that I'd never much worried about vices that might kill me decades down the line when it was very likely something more immediate was going to kill me as part of my job.

  I'd never said anything like that to her, of course. I wasn't stupid. She’d worried about me enough as it was.

  I took a deep drag from the cigar and blew out the smoke. A few of the glowing vamps eyed me with disapproval.

  Fucking kids. Judgmental about all the fun stuff in life. As though they had a pot to piss in considering they’d all caught a terminal case of undeath.

  “You know there are ordinances banning smoking inside,” the head vamp said.

  “Yeah, and there are also laws against murder and kidnapping,” I said, dropping some of the ash on the floor and taking another drag. Damn that felt good. “Maybe we could call it a wash?”

  The head vamp chuckled. “You really are quite amusing, Mr. Byron. In a way I’m glad you’re here tonight to witness my ultimate triumph!”

  I rolled my eyes. Great. This was all I needed.

  “Do we really have to do this?”

  “Do what?”

  “You know. You have some big villainous plan and you’re going to tell me all about it then I’m going to try and stop you and all that. I really don’t have the time. I just want to see my little girl.”

  The vamp’s lips pursed into a frown. Not a good look on him. Then again his face was so pale and pinched that it’s not like there was any look that could really be considered a “good” look.

  “So you think you’re going to defeat me after I tell you my master plan?”

  I ashed on the floor again. Luckily the thing was solid concrete, probably left over from when this was an actual factory, so it’s not like I had to worry about anything catching fire.

  “I didn’t say that. I’m not stupid. I’m probably going to die. All’s I’m saying is maybe you could cut the villain monologue and we could get right down to business?”

  The head vamp seemed to consider that. Finally he shrugged and nodded. “I suppose that makes sense.”

  “Thank God,” I muttered.

  “But are you sure you don’t want to at least know some small part of our master plan?” he asked, a hint of wheedling coming to his voice.

  “Not really,” I said. “Any master plan that doesn’t involve you joining this pile of ash at my feet isn’t a master plan I want to hear.”

  The vamp actually stomped. He looked like he was about to enter full on tantrum mode. “Oh come on! It’s really great! You’ll love it, I promise!”

  I sighed and took another drag of my cigar. As I took that drag I considered all the twists and turns my life had taken to bring me to this moment. I wondered if there was anything I could’ve done differently over the years that would’ve made it less likely to come to this point where I was surrounded by bloodsuckers and a whiny head honcho who seemed intent on telling me his evil plan for trying to take over the world or whatever the fuck it was they were doing here tonight.

  I dropped the cigar to the ground and stomped it out. Crossed my arms. Cocked an eyebrow at the head vamp looking down from on high.

  “Would it make you feel better if you told me what your plan is before I kill you?”

  The head vamp grinned. Clapped his hands together and raised them in the air as though his team had just scored a winning touchdown.

  “Now that's more like it Mr. Byron!”

  “Don’t mention it,” I said in an annoyed monotone.

  Besides, I figured I owed it to Anderson and Hooks to hear what the devious plan was.

  “You see the plan is really quite devious,” the head vamp said, his voice carrying over the crowd that had turned their attention to him.

  I glanced over my shoulder. I figured if everyone was busy staring at the asshole from on high then maybe I could make an exit the way I'd come.

  No dice. Vamps had crowded in and covered the door while I was standing talking with the asshole. If I tried to get out they’d be on me in an instant.

  Damn it.

  I turned back to the vamp.

  “…And so it occurred to us that we could use our location to spread our order to every campus in the region! That’s just the beginning Mr. Byron! We have a party here, the party to end all parties, and turn people from all the colleges in a five state area. From there we can take over campuses around the country, and from there…”

  “Yeah, yeah,” I said. “You take over the world by turning poor college kids into bloodsuckers. Genius plan and all that, so can we get on with it please?”

  “Oh but that’s not all Mr. Byron. We’re going to need soldiers for our new army of the undead, and I’ve decided that a man of your talents would be ideal to bring into the fold.”

  I arched an eyebrow. This was starting to get into territory I didn’t much care for. Getting killed by these assholes was one thing, but getting turned into one of these assholes was another thing entirely.

  And from the glassy glowing red-eyed stares I was getting it didn’t seem like I'd have much choice in what I did once I was turned to a vampire.

  “What if I said I wasn’t going to go peacefully?” I asked.

  The head vamp waved a dismissive hand as though he’d already thought of that and wasn’t worried.

  “I figured you wouldn’t,” he said. “That’s why we lured you here where we’d have a nice crowd to overwhelm you! Isn’t it wonderful?”

  My frown deepened. Lure me here? I wasn’t sure I liked the sound of that. That sounded an awful lot like someone had been yanking my chain to get me out here.

  That or the guy had no idea what the fuck he was doing and he was trying to sound like he was on top of things. I'd worked for more than a few guys like that over the years.

  The idea of working for someone like that for all of eternity sounded like my own personal hell.

  “Yeah, I’m gonna have to say no to that,”
I said.

  “I figured you would but…”

  “I also think you’re full of shit,” I continued.

  That got the head vamp to shut the fuck up real fast. He leaned over the railing and peered down at me.

  “What did you say?”

  “I said you’re full of it,” I said. “You guys have been trying to kill me for days now. The thing at my house. All those assholes I dusted at your little house party on campus. The vampire in the alley behind this place. The cops you sent to shoot me. All those bouncers who just bounced off the end of my shotgun? You’re trying to make it sound like you totally meant to not kill me, and you’re full of shit.”

  The glow in the guy’s eyes grew brighter and brighter. It might’ve been terrifying a couple of days ago. Probably not, but maybe. It took a lot to freak me out, and my barometer for what freaked me the fuck out had been stressed to the breaking point and back.

  “How dare you!” the vampire shrieked.

  There. That was something I was used to hearing from my bosses. Annoyance bordering on despair.

  “Yeah, I dare,” I said. “You said you were doing something in the basement here? Is that where you’re turning people into your cute little undead army or something?”

  The head vamp stared down at me. His mouth worked but I was pretty sure I broke the guy. At least he seemed to be having trouble coming up with something intelligent to say.

  Then, finally:

  “Um… Yes?”

  “Right. Thanks for the tip!” I said.

  I pulled my leather jacket off. A damn good thing too. I was sweating like a mother in that thing and it was hot in here. All those vamps out there must’ve been close enough to living that they were still able to lift the thermometer above room temperature.

  “What the hell is that?” the head vamp asked when he saw the strange bulletproof vest around me with odd rectangles and cylinders strapped to it everywhere.

  I grinned and moved my thumb down to the battery and the on switch on my belt. I used my other hand to pull a pair of sunglasses out and put them on which dulled the room around me, but not for long.

  “This,” I said, pausing for dramatic effect. “Is the latest in LED lighting technology for marine reef aquariums.”

  I flicked the switch and I was surrounded by blinding light. Vampires around me hissed and several of them turned to dust as the light hit them.

  The dusting moved back in a circle around me until it reached vamps who were far enough back that the concentrated LED approximation of the bright noonday sun down at the equator wasn’t quite strong enough to kill them.

  It was strong enough to keep them the fuck away from me, though, and that was just fine in my book.

  “Get him!” the head vamp shrieked.

  Maybe he used some sort of weird vampire power on the vamps surrounding me. Maybe they were simply afraid that if they didn’t do boss vampire’s bidding they’d be in serious trouble.

  Whatever the reason, the vamps ran right into the circle of death created by the lights, and they immediately started melting and turning to dust. The ones that got too close puffed away and some of the particulate vampire matter got on me.

  I frowned. That was going to be a real bitch to get out of my shirt. Vampire dust was the last thing I needed clogging up the lint trap.

  “Right. I’m going to go for a little walk now,” I said.

  Luckily the idiots here were nice enough to label their secret lair. There was a big neon sign on the other side of the factory floor that advertised “The Basement” in flashing bright pink.

  So I started walking. At first the newly turned vamps, presumably college students from every campus in the region, didn’t try to get away from me.

  They all turned to dust, and eventually the ones down the line got the memo that there was a circle of UV death surrounding me and they started a minor stampede to get the hell away from me.

  The head vampire up on high was still screaming at them to do something, but the sound of his screaming was drowned out by the screams of terror from newly turned vampires who obviously didn’t want their immortality ripped away the same night they got it.

  Well that was tough shit.

  I reached the entrance to the basement and looked down. Dank stone steps led down into darkness, but I figured that darkness would go away soon enough when I stepped in with my mini suns strapped around me.

  I looked up and sketched a salute to the head vampire. The asshole who’d killed my wife.

  There wasn’t much I could do about him right now, but I figured it wouldn’t be long before the asshole came down to try and take care of business on his own.

  I was counting on it.

  “If you’ll excuse me I have some more of your operation to fuck up,” I said. “You have fun up there.”

  I turned and stepped down the stairs, and despite the head vamp screaming it didn’t sound like anyone was following.

  Good. It was about damned time the bloodsuckers learned they shouldn’t fuck with me. I couldn’t shake the feeling that it wasn’t a lesson that was going to last very long though.

  I was on a timer. I needed to get the hell out of here, and fast. I just hoped my daughter was down there in their lair, even as I was fearful of what I might find considering they were turning people into vampires left and right around here.

  I chuckled. It was a regular vampire factory. Hooks and Anderson might appreciate the joke.

  If I ever saw them again.

  36

  Explosive

  The stairs led to a long dark hall that looked like it had been used for maintenance once upon a time. Exposed bulbs hung from the ceiling providing the only light.

  Now that I was down here, away from the screaming vampires up above trying their best to get the hell away from me, I heard a different sort of screaming. The sort of terrified scream one might expect from, say, a bunch of college kids who were realizing vampires were real and they were being given a choice of joining the vampire nation or dying.

  Yeah, not a good kind of scream. Images of my wife being gutted by that asshole boss vampire flicked through my head and I pushed them away.

  I knew the bad thoughts might come back someday and I wouldn’t be able to push them away as easily, but right now I was on a mission. There wasn’t time for that kind of bullshit when I was working.

  I was about halfway down the dank and dripping corridor when the fish lights around me flickered and went dead. I frowned and tapped the small battery I’d used to power the things.

  It’d been a real bitch rewiring the battery to attach to all those lights, and apparently they were drawing too much juice to stay on for long. That was going to make getting out of here a hell of a lot more difficult.

  Oh well. I’d half expected the battery to overheat and catch fire when I turned the whole contraption on. That I hadn’t spontaneously combusted flicking the on switch meant the thing had already operated well beyond my wildest dreams.

  Now it was time to finish this the old fashioned way. I pulled out a knife and cut at the straps holding the lights in place and they clattered to the cement floor as I walked along.

  I just hoped the vampires up above weren’t looking down to see if the glow from those fish lights were still a going concern. The last thing I needed was a bunch of bloodsuckers rushing down to give me a hickey because they no longer had to worry about the world’s finest reef lighting turning them to dust.

  I was going to have to write a letter to those lighting guys. They already charged prices that would make a DOD contractor blush, and I’m sure there was a market somewhere for people who wanted light weapons that could take out vampires.

  Those weapons weren’t going to help me now though. It was just me and my trusty knife up against who knew what.

  The room I stepped into was like something out of a nightmare. At least it would’ve been like something out of a nightmare for someone who wasn’t used to the idea of vampires ex
isting.

  For me it was about what I would’ve expected from a vampire slaughterhouse.

  I stepped out onto a metal staircase that went down a couple of levels into a massive room set beneath the factory floor. I could see the remains of machinery sticking up through the floor, no doubt this was where they maintained some of the bigger shit when they were making whatever the hell they made here, but the room had since been converted to a far more nefarious purpose than manufacturing widgets.

  One wall was dominated with college kids who’d been mounted on that wall with tubes attached draining their blood into a massive vat that had some sort of industrial stirrer in there. Probably to keep the stuff from coagulating.

  The way they were mounted wasn’t pretty, either. Hooks lined the wall and it looked like the vamps had simply picked them up and mounted them on those hooks. Some were still alive, some weren’t.

  Apparently the vampires didn’t particularly care whether their prey was still alive when they were exsanguinated.

  Fuck.

  My hands moved to a couple of stakes I had about my person. They went with the bottles of holy water I’d brought along and the squirt guns, regular guns, shotgun, and a couple of knives.

  Hey, there was no kill like overkill. I was armed to the teeth and pissed off. Not a good thing for the vampires, but none of them seemed to realize how much trouble they were in yet.

  I watched as a couple of terrified college students reached the front of a line of terrified huddling college kids that wrapped around the room under the watchful eyes of vampire guards.

  A bored looking vampire stood at the front of the line with a laptop out in front of him on a laptop cart that looked like the sort you could get at any office supply store. A bored vampire I recognized. It was my buddy from earlier. The one who’d looked so smarmy when Higgins and Mosley the city cops carted me out of that alley.

  A bunch of old phrases about the banality of evil came to mind, because this guy had the bored look of a middle manager who was just doing his job and not an undead horror who was snuffing out hundreds of young lives. Though I had a feeling that look was about to change when he realized who’d come to pay him a visit.