The Day the Ear Fell Off

by T. M. Alexander

  He looked at Callum and then back at Miss Walsh. I tried to catch Copper Pie’s eye but he was busy looking at Bee.

  Even though I knew we hadn’t done anything wrong, I felt uncomfortable. Why didn’t Miss Walsh send Callum and his cronies to the Head and get on with crowning Jonno and then we could get on with working out how to persuade the school council to keep the trees.

  ‘Copper Pie said the football team would lose their places if they didn’t vote for Jonno,’ the dozy deputy said.

  Clearly not true.

  ‘And Bee said if we voted for Jonno, we could have a girls-only section in the playground,’ said Alice.

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I waited for Bee and Copper Pie to stand up and declare them all filthy liars.

  They didn’t.

  ‘Is this true, Bee?’ Miss Walsh walked over to Bee’s desk.

  Bee screwed up her face. ‘Sort of.’

  Oh help!

  Miss Walsh walked over to Copper Pie’s desk, very slowly.

  ‘Well?’ she said.

  ‘It’s true but not right,’ he said, whatever that means.

  ‘This is extremely disappointing. Fixing the result of an election is a serious offence. Bee! Copper Pie! Off to the Head’s office, I’ll follow you. Class, PSHE is cancelled. I want you all to remain in your seats and read your reading books in complete silence.’

  I got my book out and stared at the pages but couldn’t read a single word. Talk about a mess. I felt sick. Sick because we’d ruined our chances on the school council and that meant no chance of saving our patch but more sick because we’re Tribers and that means we don’t lie and bribe and threaten. I thought we all understood that. What did Bee and Copper Pie think they were doing? It was like finding out that all my lovely Christmas presents hadn’t come from Santa’s workshop, they’d been stolen from children in an orphanage.

  a pig’s breakfast

  After school, Jonno said he was going to wait for Bee and Copper Pie to find out what punishment the Head had given, but I pretended I had to hurry home. I didn’t want to see them. I didn’t want to know. I was angry with my stupid friends for making us all look bad. I didn’t want to get Jonno elected either, if it meant we’d bullied people into it. If Jonno had tried to get votes rather than mucking about in the dirt under the trees, I bet he could have stopped the others from doing what they did. That thought made me cross with him too.

  ‘Are you coming, Fifty?’

  I could tell he couldn’t decide whether to let me go off in a mood or tag along. He tagged along.

  ‘What do you make of all that, then?’ I asked him.

  ‘A pig’s breakfast. We’ll have to find some other way of stopping the Head from stealing Tribe land for food production.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I said we’ll have to —’

  ‘I heard you. I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Don’t you feel a bit . . . let down by the others? I mean Copper Pie threatened the entire football team. That wasn’t the idea.’

  ‘Well, at least he tried to get votes. We didn’t, did we?’

  ‘But Fifty. We’re Tribe. We’re meant to get on with people, not cheat them. We’ve got that rolled up paper of Bee’s where she wrote all the good things Tribe were going to do.’

  ‘It’s just a name, Keener. We’re five kids trying to have some fun. That’s all. Don’t get so worked up.’

  I was so livid I could hardly speak.

  ‘It’s not just a name,’ I spat out. ‘We deliberately chose to be Tribe rather than a gang because people think gangs are bad. And remember what we talked about? Did it include lying and cheating?’

  ‘No, Keener, it didn’t. Look, I’m sorry, but I’m not that bothered – so they made some stuff up. Who cares?’

  What was happening? I didn’t want to fall out with all my friends.

  I started to kick a stone. It was safer than carrying on the conversation.

  FIFTY’S FACT FILE

  • Fifty per cent as tall as everyone else (slight exaggeration)

  • Black curly hair and a round face

  • Loves fire

  • Really loves fire

  • Loves his baby sister

  • Really really loves his baby sister

  • Sings a lot at the wrong times

  • Wants a karaoke machine

  • Doesn’t like disagreements

  • Quick thinker

  FAMILY STUFF

  Dad – a postman and a wedding photographer.

  Mum – bonkers, or nice and kind, depending on who you ask. She tells people what to do with their lives, like a fortune-teller.

  Rose – best baby in the world!

  ‘Look, do you want to come to mine?’ asked Fifty.

  I wasn’t sure I wanted to, but going home didn’t seem any better.

  ‘All right.’

  Now that Fifty and I are allowed to walk on our own, we all go to each other’s houses a lot more, although Fifty’s is still low on the list because of his mum and no one’s been to Jonno’s yet.

  Fifty started talking about the summer fair which was good because at least we agree about that. We’re having our own stall – only Year 6s are allowed to. Top ideas are a chocolate fountain or water bombs.

  We went in the back door that goes straight into the kitchen. The radio was on and Fifty’s mum was sitting on a stool eating chocolate.

  ‘Hello there.’

  She stood up and gave Fifty a massive kiss and cuddle. It’s gross. Thank heavens my mum doesn’t do that.

  ‘Hi Mum. Can Keener stay for tea?’

  ‘Of course. It’s puréed moles.’ At least, that’s what it sounded like.

  ‘Thank you, but Mum’s expecting me home for tea,’ I said and followed Fifty up the stairs.

  ‘Keener, it’s time you stopped being frightened of food,’ said Fifty.

  I stuck my tongue out.

  We played with his remote-control UFO, trying to navigate it round the obstacles in his room, and chatted about rubbish. Fifty tried to say something about Tribe but I didn’t want to talk about it any more. Worse, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be in it any more. A group of kids who’d trample over everyone else to get their own way. No. Not for me. I could go back to being plain Keener, that wouldn’t be so bad. Or would it? That got me worrying about whether the worrying would come back. I decided to go home.

  ‘You seem a bit quiet this evening,’ said Fifty’s mum when I walked back through the kitchen on my way out. ‘What’s bothering you?’

  I was about to say, ‘Nothing,’ but . . .

  ‘And don’t say, “nothing”,’ she added.

  It’s really difficult not to answer his mum properly. She doesn’t mind how long she has to wait. Most people find silences uncomfortable but Fifty’s mum is fine with them.

  ‘I’ve fallen out with Bee and Copper Pie.’

  ‘Oh.’

  One of her famous extra-long silences came next. I didn’t want to tell her all about it but it was impossible not to say something. The quietness is like a vacuum – if you open your mouth it sucks stuff out of you.

  I told her about the bribes and the threats. She nodded, but she didn’t say anything, so I kept spewing out more and more, and she kept nodding. Eventually I ran out of stuff to moan about so I stopped talking and we looked at each other.

  She sighed. ‘It sounds as though Tribe is important to you.’

  My turn to do the nodding.

  ‘And you feel betrayed because not everyone feels the same as you do about it.’

  More nodding.

  ‘So maybe you need to talk to your fellow Tribe members —’

  ‘Tribers. We’re called Tribers.’

  ‘So, perhaps you could talk to the Tribers —’

  ‘But now it’s ruined. I wish we’d never started it.’

  ‘I’m sure you do, at this moment. But I don’t think that’s how you’ll feel when you’ve spoken to your f
riends. And they have been your friends for a very long time —’

  I butted in again even though it’s rude. ‘We were heroes when we freed the alley and now we’re the baddies.’

  ‘Goodies and baddies don’t really exist. There are always several sides to a story. In fact, in my experience there are as many versions as there are witnesses. When we see something, we immediately, without thinking, use our experiences and our knowledge to understand it, so we all see something different.’

  ‘I don’t see how that helps,’ I said.

  ‘Maybe it doesn’t, but before you give up on Tribe, go and talk to Bee and Copper Pie. Find out what they actually did.’

  I couldn’t see the point. It was quite clear they’d messed up. I didn’t want to talk to them. I was fed up with talking.

  I was turning the door handle to let myself out when I heard Fifty’s voice – it seemed to be coming from inside the kettle. Freaky! He’s small but not that small.

  ‘Lickle Rose, do you want to play wiv your bruvver?’

  Aha – it was coming through the baby monitor. I looked back. Fifty’s mum put her finger on her lips and grinned.

  ‘You’re the best lickle sister ever, do you know that?’

  ‘Ba.’

  ‘Well done, Rose. Can you say yoghurt again?’

  ‘Ba.’

  ‘Say yoghurt.’

  ‘Ba ba.’

  ‘Never mind.’ A sigh. ‘Tribe’s falling apart. Keener thinks they did it, guilty as charged, but I’m not so sure. Maybe Copper Pie said it as a joke . . .’

  A clapping noise.

  ‘You like clapping, don’t you? Or is it because I said Copper Pie’s name?’

  More clapping.

  ‘Good girl, Rose. You like him, don’t you? You don’t think he did it.’

  ‘Ba.’

  ‘And maybe Bee thought it was something the council should think about. A girls-only area isn’t a terrible idea.’

  ‘Ba.’

  ‘We need to ask them, don’t we? Then we’ll know why they did it.’

  A burp.

  ‘Are you windy?’

  There was a moving about noise and then . . .

  ‘MU-UM! MU-UM! Rose’s been sick.’

  I opened the door, gave Fifty’s mum a little wave and headed off. She was right. And so was Fifty. We needed to call an emergency meeting. It was time for the truth to come out. I could already imagine it: the Tribe Truth Trial.

  the trial

  The courtroom was dark and cold. I was wearing one of those white curly wigs and a black dress. Copper Pie was in front of me, handcuffed. He had his head bowed.

  ‘Did you or did you not threaten to leave key players out of the team if they refused to vote for Jonathon Lock as Prime Minister?’

  Copper Pie didn’t speak.

  ‘Guilty,’ I shouted, banging my hammer on the shiny desk in front of me.

  ‘And did you, Beatrice Reynolds, falsely promise to turn over land for use only by girls in order to buy their votes?’

  Bee climbed on to the bench in front of me and shouted, ‘Save the Black Rhino.’

  A policeman tried to shut her up but she shook her arms and the chains fell off and the arms turned into wings. She flew up, grabbed Copper Pie in her talons and flew straight at me.

  ‘Aaaargh!’

  Flo landed on me and I screamed.

  ‘Time to get up, Keener!’

  For once I was glad she’d woken me up. I didn’t like the dream.

  ‘It’s Friday,’ she said. ‘I’m going to Lucy’s party the day after. I’m going to win pass-the-parcel. I asked Lucy. She said . . .’

  I let her ramble on.

  ‘. . . I want to wear silver shoes and have a handbag. I’m going to ask Amy. And lipstick.’

  Mmmwa. She kissed me and disappeared to annoy Amy.

  I stayed in bed for a minute, thinking about the dream. I didn’t want to be the judge. It didn’t feel right.

  I met Fifty at the corner of my road as usual.

  ‘I’ve been thinking,’ I said.

  ‘Same.’

  ‘You first then,’ I said.

  ‘No, you go. My thinking didn’t get anywhere.’

  ‘OK.’ I took a breath. ‘We need to know what happened yesterday don’t we?’

  Fifty shrugged. ‘We know what happened. Callum’s lot told on Copper Pie and Bee.’

  ‘And Bee and Copper Pie didn’t deny it, did they?’

  ‘No. That’s the bit I can’t work out,’ said Fifty. ‘It means they must have done it.’

  ‘Maybe, but we need to find out,’ I said. ‘So, Tribe Truth Trial, my house, tomorrow morning.’

  ‘Saturday morning?’ Fifty was frowning. ‘That’s no good. Copper Pie’ll be playing football.’

  And I’ve got swimming. Stupid me. ‘Afternoon then. Three o’clock?’

  ‘Done.’

  Fifty’s convinced his sister has learned how to talk but pretends she can’t. Ridiculous, I know. As we walked to school, we tried to devise a way of catching her out, but I was only playing along.

  We bumped into Jonno by the gates.

  ‘Hi.’

  He looked pretty glum. ‘Have you seen Bee or Copper Pie?’

  ‘No,’ I said.

  ‘I waited for them for ages last night but they didn’t come. The Head must have roasted them. And I didn’t dare call them in case I got a parent. I mean we were involved.’

  ‘Same,’ said Fifty.

  ‘Can you come over to mine tomorrow?’ I asked him. ‘Three o’clock.’

  ‘What about the others?’ said Jonno. ‘Are they invited?’

  I nodded. ‘We’re having a Tribe Truth Trial to sort it all out. To find out the truth before we decide . . .’

  ‘Decide what?’

  ‘Decide if we’re . . .’

  I didn’t want to say it. For a second I couldn’t even remember what it was I was going to say.

  ‘Keener’s not impressed by what they did,’ said Fifty. ‘But I say let’s give them a chance to defend themselves.’

  I found myself saying, ‘Same,’ but only because Fifty had taken my words and made them his.

  ‘You don’t mean you’d give up on it? Give up on Tribe all because of Callum?’ Jonno was looking at me as though I was the traitor.

  ‘I didn’t say that,’ I said. ‘But I know I felt ashamed yesterday.’

  ‘Teacher’s pet,’ said Fifty.

  I flashed him a look. Since when had all my friends been so horrible? I do like Miss Walsh but that’s not the point.

  ‘No,’ I shouted. ‘It’s not that. You might think it’s fine to bully everyone into doing what we want. But I don’t.’

  ‘Hang on, Keener,’ said Jonno. ‘I know what you mean. But I’ve been going through it in my mind and it doesn’t all fit. Copper Pie may be an idiot . . .’

  ‘He’s definitely an idiot,’ Fifty added helpfully.

  ‘ . . . but he’s one of your best friends, and has been forever. And Bee . . . I don’t think she would do that. She manages to get her own way without needing bribes or promises.’

  We nodded.

  ‘So I reckon we give them a chance,’ said Jonno.

  ‘And we will, if they can explain it all away. But if not —’

  Jonno got really annoyed with me when I said that. ‘If not . . . If not, what . . .? Everyone makes mistakes, you know, Keener. Since when have you been the judge?’

  Since my dream, I thought.

  Fifty and Jonno were both staring at me.

  ‘I’m not. But we can’t ignore lying and —’

  Fifty interrupted. ‘I’m not listening to any more of this. I thought we were loyal and equal but now Keener’s the goodie goodie and everyone else has to prove themselves. And I don’t think we should be talking behind their backs either. Let’s sort it out tomorrow.’

  ‘But not at yours, Keener,’ said Jonno. ‘Let’s meet somewhere neutral. It’ll be fairer.’


  ‘How about the park?’ said Fifty.

  ‘Fine. I’ll tell Bee and Copper Pie. Three o’clock at the park. For . . . What did you call it, Keener?’

  ‘The Tribe Truth Trial,’ I said quietly.

  Fifty and Jonno walked off . . . without me.

  BEE’S HOUSE, LATE FRIDAY NIGHT

  Cast:

  Bee

  Bee’s mum

  Bee’s dad

  Bee’s brother Patrick, older by two minutes than Luke

  Patrick: Mum, you’d better come up. Bee’s gone off her rocker again.

  Bee’s mum: That’s no way to talk about your baby sister.

  Patrick: Mum, she’s sitting up in bed feeding ponies.

  Bee’s mum: Poor little thing.

  Bee’s mum hurries up the stairs. Bee is staring at nothing.

  Bee: Not there, that’s for the ponies!

  Bee’s mum: It’s me – Mum. Are you all right, darling?

  Bee: Don’t get jelly on the feed.

  Bee’s dad comes in to see what’s going on.

  Bee’s dad: Is she speaking in tongues again?

  Bee’s mum: She must have something on her mind.

  Bee: This one’s got a very knotty tail.

  Bee’s mum: Bee, do you know who I am?

  Bee: Yes.

  Bee’s mum: Who am I, Bee?

  Bee: Fish lady.

  Bee’s mum: Go back to sleep now, Bee.

  Bee’s mum strokes her head.

  Bee (in a sleepy voice): Did you feed the ponies?

  Bee’s mum: Yes, mia bambina, I fed the ponies.

  Bee’s dad: The women in this family are all mad.

  Bee’s mum: Shhh. She’s gone back to sleep.

  hermit crab

  I’ve always liked hermit crabs. I think the way they carry their shells is neat and the fact that they find a bigger one when they grow is really clever. I like crows too. Jonno told me that they’ve learned how to get humans to crack nutshells for them so they can eat the nuts inside. They wait for the traffic lights to go red and then throw the nuts down on the zebra crossing. When the lights go green, the car wheels crush the shells and when the lights go red again, the crows go and pick them up. Neat.

  Talking of zebras, Jonno told me something else. We were trying to name loads of animals that are camouflaged and Copper Pie said he reckoned zebras had to be the least camouflaged of the whole animal kingdom.